Happiness Blog

Q: Help! My 3 year-old won’t let me leave his room when it’s time to sleep. He keeps coming out and won’t settle into bed unless my husband or I are in there with him. Sometimes it only takes 10 minutes for him to fall asleep but sometimes it’s longer and we often fall asleep ourselves. We haven’t been able to figure out what the problem is. I’m concerned about it becoming a habit. How do we get him to stay in his room and fall asleep on his own?
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A: A preschooler’s sleep problem is everybody’s sleep problem. Late night crying or playing can wake family members or keep them from falling asleep in the first place. Nighttime wandering (not to be confused with sleepwalking) can be a safety issue. And then there is the joy of waking up at 3 am with a small face an inch from yours, or jolted awake from cold little feet on your back.

True sleep disorders are rare in children (but they do occur, so talk to your pediatrician to rule that out) but sleep problems are common in preschool years. It’s likely that there are some habits that are interfering with their ability to fall asleep. And that’s a good thing because that’s where you can make some changes.

It’s good to start with knowing how much sleep your child needs. In general, kids ages 1-3 need 12-14 hours of sleep in a 24-hour period. Kids ages 3-5 need 11-13 hours of sleep. Three can be a tricky age because they might be phasing out of napping. If they fall asleep toward the end of what is now Quiet Time, resist the urge to let them nap late in the day because it could make falling asleep at bedtime more difficult. That said, being overly tired can also interfere with their ability to fall asleep. If you’re now thinking that it sounds impossible to find the perfect moment to put your child to bed, take heart. Most likely you just need to change a few things and give them a chance to adjust to a new routine.

Good sleep hygiene is imperative when sleep is amiss. Start by getting rid of factors that can keep your child from getting sleepy: any kind of monitor or screen in the hour before bed (blue wavelength light is deeply stimulating), spicy foods or caffeine (in chocolate cookies or coffee ice cream), sugar, bright light (which can trip up their circadian rhythm), and roughhousing before bed (gets adrenaline pumping). If their bladder is interfering with sleep, restrict liquids for 2 hours before bed. If a pet is interfering with their sleep, remove it from the room.

Other sleep hygiene habits that are important for many kids to fall asleep or stay asleep include doing a relaxing bedtime routine and waking at the same time every day (so their body gets into a rhythm), using the bed only for sleep (so they don’t associate their bed with energizing activity), having a positive association with their bedroom (if they are sent there as punishment it can be hard to associate it with relaxing sleep), enjoying the regular pre-bedtime quiet activity (to get them into a relaxed, positive mood), and dimming the light for 30-60 minutes before bedtime (to release melatonin, which makes people feel sleepy). Keep their bedtime routine consistent, allow them a security object, and keep the bedroom cool, quiet, and dark. Many parents have found it helpful to keep the door cracked open, use nightlights, white noise or soothing music, or quietly play a relaxing children’s audiobook (might help a restless child focus and drift into sleep).

Now for ideas to help your son let you leave their room easily so you can have that small window of time before your own bedtime that can be important to a healthy marriage (or your own sanity). First, explain to him that the expectation is that once you’ve left he stays in his room and doesn’t turn the lights on. Now, ditch the idea of punishing him for his poor sleep – he doesn’t like it any more than you do. Give him an incentive – figure out a reward that you could reasonably give for several weeks the morning after he’s met the expectation (a temporary tattoo, hand stamps, sprinkles on his oatmeal or a squirt of whipped cream on his waffle if there are no food-related concerns). If he forgets about the reward at night, put a picture of it where he can easily see it. Give him praise the next morning for earning it when he does; say little or nothing about it when he doesn’t (if he asks for his reward without having earned it, calmly and briefly explain why he isn’t receiving it and end with a vote of confidence that he will stay in his room tonight and earn it tomorrow).

Another idea is to start the routine you described, but instead of staying there until he’s asleep you stay in his room until he gets sleepy. Then tell him you’ll be in to check on him in one minute (or if he can’t tolerate one minute say “I’ll be right back” and come back in 30 seconds. If he’s not easily letting you go at all and is getting riled up and more awake, tell him you are going to use the bathroom or something else that he can understand and be okay with). Check in on him when promised but don’t stay; say “I’ll be back in 2 minutes” and then maybe next time it’s 5 minutes. Gradually increase the amount of time you stay out of the room so that he gets used to being in there without you. After one or a few nights, start leaving right after putting him to bed. Maybe you can start with “I’ll check on you in 5 minutes.” Maybe you don’t need to give times after a while, and just say “I’ll be back to check on you.” If he comes out of his room, gently lead him back without talking or emotion and put him back in bed saying that you’ll be back to check on him. The point here is to help him develop trust that you’ll come back, that he can be alone in his room without you at bedtime, and eventually that he can fall asleep on his own.

Remember that it can take up to a month to change a habit. Give something a try for 2-4 weeks before deciding that it doesn’t work. Don’t lose hope – something will work or change on its own in time. I guarantee you won’t find yourself falling asleep on your 17 year-old son’s floor.

Q: I’m a mom of two young boys who seem intent on killing each other. Every time I turn around they’re rolling around on the floor in a tangle or jumping on each other. I feel like I spend half my time warning them to stop or pulling them apart. My husband tells me that they’re “just playing” and he even initiates it sometimes! I need advice on how to handle this.
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A: Roughhousing can look dangerous, I know. And of course, like any social and physical activity, it can end up with tears, hurt feelings, and injury. But with true roughhousing that doesn’t usually happen – and it’s not what the kids remember about it.

Roughhousing or horseplay (rowdy, physical, interactive play) starts in toddler years and usually ends in high school (and then resurfaces again in fatherhood!). Boys tend to roughhouse more than girls, which helps explain why your husband jumps into the fun. It’s a language of sorts for boys; a way of saying “I like you” without overt vulnerability. In adolescence it can be a vehicle for establishing a social hierarchy. And it’s a natural form of bonding for fathers which is great because research shows us there are a lot of benefits to roughhousing. In fact, it’s especially good for a child to practice roughhousing with a parent who’s good at it so the child learns these life skills as well as how to roughhouse with friends.

So what exactly are the benefits of perfecting the Peter Parker or leaping like a flying squirrel off the couch onto your brother’s back? Physical fitness (strength, coordination, body control, flexibility, agility, quickness, complex motor learning, and cardio), emotional intelligence (reading social cues, being tuned in to your partner’s emotional state, regulating your own emotions and actions in response), social skills (teamwork, trust, leadership, negotiation, setting and following rules, good-natured competition), intelligence (anticipating moves, faking someone out, creating new moves), and energy discharge. It also teaches that there is more to physical contact than sex and violence, that winning isn’t everything and there is strength in compassion, and it helps kids develop inner strength and physical confidence. Horseplay (particularly when done with a parent who is good at it) provides the endorphin rush of athletics with the oxytocin of loving touch. It also releases a chemical (BDNF) that stimulates neuron growth in the regions of the brain responsible for emotional memory, learning, language, and logic.

And let’s not forget the loving bonding that is forged between sparring partners in good roughhousing. Having fun is hugely important in developing a strong relationship with your child, so if this is what they love to do, figure out how to do it really well and jump into the fray!

Good horseplay starts with rules – spoken and unspoken, which means that people may need some time and assistance to understand them well. Skillful roughhousers know when to ramp it up and dial it down. They know exciting but safe moves. They’re willing to let the other person lead and take direction while working together to try a new move. They make sure that the other person is in the right frame of mind before initiating play, and they respect the other person’s right to stop at any time. It’s a good idea to have a code word since typical ones like “stop!” might be part of the game, especially if role-play is involved (eg. cops and robbers). The person with the physical advantage could self-handicap to make the play more even and fun for everybody. When roughhousing with your kids remember that their joints are prone to injuries so be gentle on those shoulders, and avoid roughhousing right before bed unless you want a late night TV buddy and the hairy eyeball from the other parent.

Parents need to be able to differentiate between horseplay, torment, and fighting. It’s not easy, especially for moms who didn’t grow up with brothers. One study showed that 8 and 11yo kids were able to tell the difference from videos 85% of the time. Adult men were right 70% of the time, as were women who grew up with brothers. Women who didn’t grow up with brothers thought all the videos were real fighting. Here are some key differences between horseplay and something more serious: in play, kids are smiling and having fun, taking turns, holding back in capability, and it often occurs with a group of boys who play together happily afterwards. In fights kids are crying or angry, trying to hurt each other, and usually involves only two kids who don’t want to play together afterwards. If you’re not sure which it is, ask “Are you having fun?” If one or both kids are having a hard time disengaging when they need to, a parent should intervene with a time out and cool down and afterwards help them talk about if they thought it was fun or scary or too rough, etc. Research shows that roughhousing doesn’t usually get out of hand. But sometimes a child does take it too far, and these kids often tend to struggle with self-control, emotion regulation, or can’t read others’ emotions accurately, and would benefit from coaching in those areas. In particular, young, hyperactive kids can develop more self-control through a lot of coached roughhousing with the parent gently and firmly dominating.

If you’re still not sold on roughhousing, consider this: studies of horseplay found that kids who do it more at home get better grades up to third grade and make better friends than those who don’t. Kids who roughhouse at home are less violent outside the home because they can differentiate between horseplay and aggression. Studies show that the more intelligent species and the most competitive societies engage in physical play in youth more than others do. Animals deprived of physical play tend to grow up to imagine physical threats where there are none. Lack of horseplay is linked to inadequate control of violent impulses in adulthood. Sold yet?

Make room (in your heart and your living room) for roughhousing because the more you allow it the less your kids will try to do it dangerously when you’re not around. Teach them horseplay skills to open them up to developing all those hugely important life skills. You will see bruises and scrapes and rug burns, but probably no one will lose an eye. (Probably.)