Fraud Blocker

Happiness and Dance Class

I absolutely love dance classes, but absolutely hate the mirrors on every wall. I used to find the perfect spot on the dance floor: close enough to the instructor so that I could see what was happening but without her noticing me, and in the middle so that other people blocked my view of myself in the side mirrors. I hid in that little spot and shook my heart out without seeing how ridiculous (or fabulous) I looked. I’m guessing more ridiculous than fabulous.

I’ve been going to dance classes for about three years and now you will find me in the front row. At some point, I stopped caring about what I looked like in the mirror and how others perceived me. I jump in that front spot whether it’s a class I’ve attended for months or my very first time. I laugh at myself when I mistakes and really enjoy the one hour of stress relief.

I often find that when I stretch myself a little bit outside my comfort zone or push my worries and self-judgments aside for a bit I can really throw myself into an experience and enjoy it. Where do you fully throw yourself into an activity?

Providing Clients Guidance on How to Best Approach Psychological Testing

Clients coming in for psychological evaluations can frequently have little idea what to expect, and it can be an anxiety-inducing experience for them, considering the potential legal implications of an evaluation. Additionally, it can feel somewhat intrusive to have your personality and functioning evaluated by a stranger. Therefore, they naturally look to attorneys for guidance on how to best prepare for and present themselves during the evaluative process. This article describes some general guidelines for preparing clients for this process.

While there are variations, the forensic evaluation process generally consists of a few components: the clinical interview, psychological testing, review of past related records, and the interviewing of collateral contacts. The interview is the opportunity for the client to share their story and history face-to-face with the evaluator. It is generally somewhat standardized and walks the evaluator through the timeline of one’s life and the events that necessitated the evaluation. Since a defining characteristic of a forensic evaluation is the gathering of information from multiple sources and perspectives, we ask clients undergoing an assessment to bring in the contact information of a few collateral contacts we can interview who can speak to their functioning. Ideally these people are as neutral as possible; for example, if a client is undergoing a psychological evaluation pursuant to a custody dispute, interviewing one side’s best friend whom has a grudge against the other party would not provide much usable information. Coming prepared with a few names of people the evaluator can call will streamline the process and foster a shorter turn-around time on the assessment. The best choices are neutral professionals such as therapists, teachers, childcare providers, etc. In addition it is helpful to advise your clients to provide consent for the evaluator to obtain any relevant records (mental health, academic, legal history, etc.)

Likely the most helpful and significant guidance attorneys can share with their clients is to be open, straight-forward and forthcoming in their evaluation. Many of the tests used include validity scales that assess the approach one is taking to their evaluation, and these scales are fine-tuned in being able to identify malingering, “fake good” profiles, defensiveness, or other forms of less-than-honest responding styles. It is actually common for examinees to provide a defensive profile or a fake-good profile when the testing is for court. In a fake-good profile, the person is motivated the deny problems and appear to be better off psychologically than is the case. In a defensive profile, the person is motivated to present unrealistically favorable impressions by emphasizing positive characteristics and minimizing negative ones, but the examinee does not do this as blatantly as in a fake-good profile. It should be noted a fake-good profile can reflect deceit in the test-taking situation but cannot be seen as a more general tendency to lie or deceive others in daily life. Also one cannot infer in a fake-good or defensive profile the examinee is covering up psychological problems.

Nonetheless sending to the court a report that indicates the responder was so defensive in their test-taking approach so as to render the results meaningless or questionable is not ideal as the judge’s mind can naturally assume the worst when that occurs, and he or she can project whatever that worst case scenario is on what the person may be hiding. Counseling your clients to be up front and forthcoming in responding and in interviews helps increase the likelihood they will provide valid testing useful for the case, and valid testing helps bolster the argument that their interview report is likely truthful as well.

These simple pieces of guidance – what to expect, bring collateral contacts, provide records, and be open and honest – can turn what can be a sometimes anxiety-evoking experience into one in which a client feels heard, understood and like there was an opportunity to tell their story.

Introducing Your New Partner to Your Kids – March 2016

Q: After divorcing my husband a few months ago, I met a really wonderful man who I want to introduce to my children. I’m sure there are right ways and wrong ways to go about this and I want to set them up for a good relationship.
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A: That’s a great question, one that can be hard to figure out when you’re in the throes of new love. Parents are often eager to introduce their new partner to their children for both emotional and practical reasons. Experts recommend waiting a year after the official divorce to introduce the kids to your partner. The reasoning behind this is that children need time to understand that their parents will not reconcile, and to grieve the loss. Asking them to accept someone new before they have a chance to grieve sets them up to view your partner as the reason for the dissolution of their family or at least an obstacle to fixing it, and they are more likely to view your partner as a threat, since they might already be struggling with the loss of one or both parents (in some form) and fear losing you further.

It is also recommended that you introduce the kids to your partner only after you’re confident the relationship is stable (i.e. emotionally healthy) and permanent – you don’t want to ask them to bond with someone who might not stay. This second loss of a family unit can be traumatic and teach children to expect loss. Another reason to wait is that you want to ensure that your partner is not just a good companion for you but a good living partner and someone that could potentially have a positive relationship with your children. Those are things that take time to truly know. So before introducing them to your children, talk to them about all things children and parenting to see if they share similar values around this critical piece of your life. Experts recommend introducing your partner to your children after dating exclusively for at least six months, and then only if your children have worked through the grief process from the divorce.

So the general consensus among child and divorce specialists is to take your time with introducing your partner to your kids. Here’s some more expert advice:

  • Tell the other parent and close family members that you intend to introduce your significant other to your children before you do it. You want them to be in the loop so they can be a good support for your kids if they need it.
  • Have your kids meet your partner as a “friend,” but be honest if your children ask you if you’re dating. You want to give them accurate information but not more than they need to know or more than they can handle.
  • Have them meet in a neutral spot, briefly and with a defined end time. Make it a casual event with no pressure to talk – a group get-together, or an activity that people can focus on. If your partner has kids, don’t invite them along the first few times.
  • After a meeting or two like that, spend time together in a way that allows for more conversation between your partner and child (e.g., a meal after a movie).
  • Hold off on sleepovers until your child is somewhat comfortable with your new relationship.
  • Don’t try to convince them to like your partner. Invite their emotions and convey that whatever they feel is okay (but behaving inappropriately is not). Let them know your partner is not a replacement for their other parent. Reassure them that your relationship with them won’t change – schedule alone time with your children so they see you’re not going anywhere.

Of course, it can be hard or even impossible sometimes to follow these guidelines, and even if you do all of it an easy transition is no guarantee. If you feel like your child is struggling with you having a new romantic partner (a decline in grades, dropping out of extracurricular, a negative change in social groups, isolation, unusually sullen or sad behavior at home), consider meeting with a specialist who can help the family navigate this life experience and come out strong.

Happiness and Balloons

Imagine your positive thoughts fill-up a hot-air balloon while your negative self-talk and worries anchor the balloon to the ground. How high would your balloon rise above the ground? Would it be flat on the ground? Would it have enough hot-air to rise, but one little anchor keeps you tethered to the ground?

Are you satisfied with the condition of your balloon? If not, consider physics to help raise the balloon. You could add more hot-air, use lighter or fewer anchors, or cut the ropes securing your balloon to the ground.

Check out our clinicians who specialize in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for support in raising your balloon.

Commitment

“Without commitment, you cannot have depth in anything, whether it’s a relationship, a business or a hobby.” Neil Strauss

We often hear the term “fear of commitment” in the context of relationships and this usually implies someone who doesn’t stay in a relationship for very long, but people can display a lack of commitment in other areas of life such as work and hobbies. Bouncing around from one thing to another has its purpose and benefits; time is limited, so it makes sense to try out different things for a short period of time before committing. But what happens if we keep bouncing around and never commit? In relationships, we may never experience the joy of intimately knowing someone or having someone else know us. It doesn’t have to be romantic intimacy because friendships also require a commitment to make time for each other. Or maybe you have a box full of craft projects that are half-finished because you haven’t committed to making time to finish them, and as a result you’ve never experienced the feeling of satisfaction of seeing the completed product, nor have other people been able to admire and appreciate your work. What have you missed out on due to a lack of commitment? What is one step you can do today towards making a commitment?

Happiness and March Madness

There happens to be a flurry of celebrations in March besides the college basketball finals. Keep your eyes posted to celebrate these special days:

March 3 – I Want You to Be Happy Day: A day dedicated to focusing on others

March 9 – National Panic Day: Taking some time to let worry and panic out of your system

March 15 – Everything You Think Is Wrong Day: Recognizing that each of us has bad days

March 16 – Everything You Do is Right Day: Turning the tables on yesterday by celebrating your competence and effectiveness

March 22 – National Goof-Off Day: Letting loose and having fun with yourself

March 25 – Waffle Day: Yes, Please! This one is my personal favorite

March 30 – I Am in Control Day: Prioritizing getting into control by becoming organized or objectively evaluating your current circumstances

Happiness and the Music of Your Life

“If my life was a movie, what song would be playing in the background right now?” is a question I occasionally ask myself. The answer typically reflects recent events in my life: a sappy love song, a powerful female anthem, or a new-age instrumental piece that diminishes as I walk into the distance and from the movie frame.

Music is powerful and there has never been a time in my life when I couldn’t connect with a song that matched my emotions. Even when I’m at a loss for words some songwriter had already figured them out. I hit repeat and listen another 5 or 30 times.

What makes up the soundtrack of your life? More importantly, what songs would you like to capture your future?

Happiness and Young Wisdom

“Use every crayon color that you got
A fishing pole sinks faster than a tackle box
Nothing turns the day around like licking a mixing bowl
I learned that from a three year old.”
–from Three Year Old by Eric Church

This song reminds me of the simple perspectives we had in childhood. I can’t count the number of times licking the frosting from my grandma’s mixing bowl made it the best day ever. And, using every crayon fosters flexibility and imagination. The song’s chorus later reminds listeners of the basic courtesy of saying sorry when we’re wrong.

At some point in our development these simple truths become complicated. This is because we transition from black/white to black/gray/white. There are more variables and factors that come into play in adulthood like being exhausted from work today and worrying about work tomorrow, being stubborn, or protecting others with little white lies. Sometimes we find ourselves teaching these simple wisdoms to our children while our own behaviors contradict these lessons. You may be proud of your children for apologizing to a friend, but scrutinize yourself for not apologizing to your brother after a bitter argument. The next time you are hard on yourself for not living up to these lessons, keep in mind that these 3-year-old truths probably remain part of your morals and values, but have changed a bit to help you function in a complex adult world.

Happiness and Expectations (Valentine’s Day Edition)

Most of us expect that our significant other will think of us on Valentine’s Day and do something to express their love. This year consider turning the tables on Valentine’s Day by focusing on thinking of others. We do this with our significant others out of love, tradition, or because “I have to,” but what about your friends and family? You could write a note for your sister away at college or spend some time with your elderly neighbor. Time and time again psychological research demonstrates that we are happiest when we do things for others. So continue doing something special for your significant other, but also adjust your mindset to focus on what you can do to those other special people in your life.

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