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Happiness and Quirks

Each of us has our own little quirks. What are yours? Personally, I prefer numbers divisible by three and eat French fries accordingly. This is not necessarily a good or bad quality, but it contributes to my uniqueness. Sometimes our quirks are highly displayed just like a model parading fashion down the runway. While at other times, we might hide quirks because of shame, fear, or embarrassment. The goal is to embrace your quirks. You may not be ready to bask in your quirkiness, but accepting those eccentric parts about you makes life just a bit easier and fun.

Happiness and Care Packages

Every so often I receive a care package from my family that contains some of my favorite things (candy, pajamas, coffee). It’s an unexpected and extremely thoughtful gesture that makes me feel like a kid again. Care packages come in all shapes and sizes and I try to give myself one each day. Some days I stop for a morning pick-me-up at the local coffee shop and other days I work on a craft project for 15 minutes. I might read a chapter in the latest bestseller, do a quick yoga sun salutation, or watch a TV show with my partner. Essentially, I engage in routine self-care.

Routine self-care means prioritizing yourself on a regular basis. It may not be feasible for you to engage in self-care every day, but what about taking five minutes to focus on YOU a few times per week? Self-care has numerous benefits such as reducing susceptibility to stress, increasing positive self-talk, and improving satisfaction. With all these benefits, who could refuse?

Happiness and Opening Your Eyes to Experience

I used to live in my own tiny bubble. I was a stay-at-home kind of girl who watched Dateline on the weekends and chose cheeseburgers when it was my turn to pick a restaurant. I rarely ventured out of my comfort zone. Over the years, friends burst that bubble as I begrudgingly accompanied them to try sushi, hiking, punk rock shows, and festivals I’d typically prefer to avoid.

There have been ups and downs along my journey of new experiences. I really enjoyed the band dressed in mummy costumes during their performance, but continue to be disgusted each time I try an IPA. Because I’ve ventured outside my bubble I’m not nearly as anxious, stressed or afraid of new things. I feel more confident, at ease, and happy because there isn’t as much to fear once I learned life outside my bubble was OK. I’ve made it a rule to say “yes” when friends approach me with new activities. Nevertheless, I will always refuse to ride the ginormous rollercoaster.

Technology Fatigue: What It Is and How To Deal With It, Part One

Technology fatigue: what is it? This is what I call the mental fatigue that comes to those of us who were not born with an iPhone in our hands but are now at the cutting edge of the integration of technology into practically every facet of our daily lives. We are now participating in a very significant moment in history and in the evolution of our species: the transition from the Industrial Revolution to the Information Age or what I like to call the Age of Technology. Right now, we are experiencing the full effect of riding the technology wave. We’re in what surfers call the “gas chamber” of the technology wave – basically like being in a tunnel surrounded by water as you surf. Here we are, balancing on a surfboard, whipping over the surface of the ocean as it hurls us toward shore. The adrenaline and excitement are intoxicating as our lives are transformed at a pace that generations before us never could have imagined.

Our economy, our language, our culture are all being affected by the runaway speed of technological advancement. We are no longer left to ourselves for a stretch of time while out on a walk or at home in the evening with a good book. We receive texts and emails while walking the dog, driving to work, during dinner, and in the movies. With technology permeating nearly every aspect of our lives, there’s so much to learn and re-learn: we have not one remote in the living room but four remotes to keep track of and then these four remotes might later get consolidated into one new, more advanced universal remote, which gives us yet another remote to learn how to use. Remember the old days when there was an on/off button on the t.v. and a dial to change the channel? Remember what it was like to daydream or wonder about something you knew nothing about? Lost are the random moments of day dreaming in response to a problem or pondering possibilities when it comes to something that can be “Googled” on a smartphone or nearby device. Wondering has been replaced by “Googling.” Sitting down to write a letter to a friend in a distant state or country has been replaced by a digital exchange on Facebook, by a moment-in-the-life conveyed via Instagram, or a micro-documentary via SnapChat. And while any of these is taking place, some other friend might shoot a text your way to interrupt the Facebooking, Instagramming, or SnapChatting. It’s a new way of being in the world. Rarely are we without our phones or some kind of device nearby and we are nearly constantly learning how to use something new.

Learning to make use of personal technology is similar to learning a new language. In learning a new language there are the mechanics of speaking, the grammar and syntax to learn, and a whole new vocabulary. We know that the very young are most adept at learning new languages when the brain’s plasticity is most elastic and absorbent. The same goes for technology: we learn new mechanics of its use, how to integrate it into our lives, and how to manage the constant flow of information coming at us from all directions. It’s easiest for the young to pick up new technology and because they don’t have to rely on their parents and the community to learn it, like babies do when learning language, they can soar past their elders in how quickly they learn it. They learn technology from technology itself. With new hardware, new software, new apps, and a plethora of passwords to remember or to store in a digital keychain, our psyches, both young and old, are being taxed in a totally new way.

So what happens to us, the bridge generation or generations that can remember when every telephone had a wire and the screen in a home stayed put? What happens as we rush to adapt to the integration of technology into so many aspects of our lives? Like any growth spurt, adaptation to something so new and so pervasive takes a lot of energy. Mental fatigue, memory issues, a decrease in motivation, and an increase in stress characterize technology fatigue. There is no diagnosis in the DSM-5 for this condition but Wikipedia calls it “technostress” and describes the physical and emotional symptoms resulting from the stress. See if any of these symptoms of the resulting anxiety match your experience: “headaches, backaches, eye strain, neck pain, stiff shoulder, joint pains, mental fatigue, depression, nightmares, panic, resistance, and a feeling of helplessness. suffering insomnia, loss of temper, irritability, frustration, [a possible] increase of errors in judgment and poor job performance if not dealt with.” This, of course, is not a mental health diagnosis and Wikipedia is not a reliable source of information for mental health issues, but the fact that Wikipedia has an entry for “technostress” is indication that many people have pondered the effects of the rapid changes that characterize the Information Age.

If you feel you might be suffering from technology fatigue, what should you do about it? First, recognize it, if this is true for you. Without an acknowledgement that you are experiencing this it will be difficult to address. Second, you will need to set your intention to address the issue. With your intention set, it will be much easier to follow the next set of recommendations:

  1. Take regular breaks from technology throughout the day. Give yourself periodic breaks to breathe deeply and reconnect with your body. Turn away from your computer or phone and shift your awareness into your body where you can identify places of tension. Imagine breathing into those places of tension and releasing the tension. Do this several times throughout the day.
  2. Give yourself some limits on use of devices, such as not using your phone in bed, not checking email before 9:00am, or not spending more than 30 minutes on Facebook. Use a friend or spouse to help keep you accountable.
  3. Take technology-free vacations either for a day on the weekend or, if you’re really brave, maybe your whole vacation!
  4. Cultivate hobbies that do not require use of technology. Learning to make something with your hands is an excellent way to reconnect with the physical world around you.
  5. Find ways to interact with others for fun in person, not via social media. Playing good, old fashioned card games or board games is a great way to enjoy the company of friends or family.
  6. Learn mindfulness meditation so you can train your mind.
  7. Exercise, especially outdoors.

It’s also important to assess whether your stress is a result of overuse of technology or of other aspects of your life. Stress from technology fatigue can and should be addressed in and of itself but this might not eliminate all sources of stress from your life. If you need help addressing other sources of stress in your life, seek help from friends, partners, or a therapist. Digital technology is an extremely useful and, at times, enjoyable aspect of life in the 21st century. Our challenge is to use it wisely.

Happiness and Turning on the Light

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” –Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter & the Prisoner of Azkaban

Hope radiates from this quote as it provides children and adults something to cling to in grim moments. It speaks to the power of choice as well as the grit of humankind. Our minds can search for good during adversity and despair. All it takes is remembering to turn on the light within you.

Sibling Rivalry – April 2016

Q: My kids are 12 and 14 and do not get along. They bicker all the time and sometimes it gets physical. They’ve always been this way and I’ve never found a good way to make it stop for long. It’s incredibly frustrating but also sad – I had hoped they would be good friends like my older sister and I are. Is there anything I can do to help them not just get along better but actually like each other more?
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A: Sibling rivalry is common enough but when it’s bad it can affect the whole family. Pat yourself on the back for wondering what you can do to change the dynamic, rather than just try to make the kids change. The fact is, there is often a lot we can do – or stop doing – to improve our children’s relationship. It starts with understanding the premise behind sibling rivalry.

According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, people are motivated by their desire to get their needs met. We must meet the most basic needs before we can move on to the next level of needs. Survival needs are first, followed by Safety needs, Love and Belonging needs, Esteem needs, and finally Self-Actualization. Anything that might keep us from getting our needs met is a threat. So in a way we are hard-wired to resent that sibling who might not only eat the last of the Cocoa Krispies but also get all of Mom and Dad’s love. Cries of “MINE!” through households and across schoolyards are common because kids innately want some, most, or better yet all of something that meets their needs.

For those of us with kids who really struggle with sibling rivalry, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish provide help in their book Siblings Without Rivalry. They share the many ways we good-meaning parents might be contributing to sibling rivalry, and what to do instead:

  • Don’t compare siblings to each other. Sometimes it’s obvious when we do it (“Why can’t you be more like your sister!”), but we might be doing it unintentionally when we praise one child in front of the other: “A+ in algebra! You’re a math whiz! I’m so proud of you!” can easily be heard by the sibling who got a B as, “You are better in math than your brother, so I am proud of you and not proud of him.” This hits on needs for Love and for Esteem all in one swoop, which can trigger a deep fear of loss of Safety and Survival since children are dependent on their parents. The authors suggest that instead of comparing, describe what you notice, “I see shoes on the couch” and “I see you put your clean clothes away.” Give praise in privacy.
  • Parents tend to worry about making things equal between their kids (“If we get him a bike for Christmas we have to get her one, too.”). But since kids aren’t all the same, making things equal won’t necessarily be meeting their needs. Instead, assess what each individual child needs and strive to meet it. One child might go through a period where they need more of your time than your other child does, or more reassurance, or more help with confidence, etc.
  • Allow each child to be their whole self. Don’t get pulled into labels (this child is the Smart One, that child is the Social One) because it can discourage a child from pursuing something that is his sibling’s “thing.”
  • Faber and Mazlish strongly encourage parents not to interfere with siblings’ squabbles and to let kids work out solutions themselves, remembering that it is up to parents to model empathy and problem-solving skills. When things get physical, keep everyone safe and help them figure things out in a family meeting. The authors also suggest that if kids are constantly irritating each other, not to force togetherness since it can damage the relationship further.

It’s tough when siblings don’t get along. After hours or years of bickering, your goal might be to just stop the argument and move on as quickly as possible. Remember that your child’s distress is an important time to try to connect with them. Here is more on that topic. Also, don’t assume that your kids will never get along. Whether it’s sibling rivalry or just clashing personalities, relationships often get better with age and physical space.

Not Enough Time?

“It has been my observation that most people get ahead during the time that others waste.” – Henry Ford

The average American watches 5 hours of television a day. What’s the most common excuse people give for not exercising? Not enough time. Maybe that’s not your excuse for not exercising, but maybe it’s your reason for why you’re not looking for another job that’s more fulfilling. Or for not working on that house project. Or for not reading the book that’s been sitting on your coffee table. I’m not demonizing television and saying we shouldn’t watch it, but if we find ourselves saying, “I want to do x, but I don’t have time…” then it’s time to really look at where we are spending those minutes and hours in the day. Successful people aren’t less busy, in fact they do more, but they use their time wisely by planning and staying organized. It can be as simple as preparing your breakfast the night before so you can have those extra 15 minutes in the morning for yourself to read, meditate, do yoga, or…actually eat breakfast!

Happiness and April Fools’ Day

The origins of April Fools’ Day remain uncertain. Some believe the tradition began with ancient Romans and Hindus who celebrated New Years on April 1st. Others speculate some people did not adapt when Pope Gregory XIII ordered the Gregorian calendar to replace the Julian calendar, shifting New Years from April 1st to January 1st. These people continued their New Year’s celebrations in April and were believed to made fun of and sent on fool’s errands.

While Americans tend to play pranks on coworkers and siblings on April Fools’ Day, French children observe April 1st as Poisson d’Avril, “April Fish.” A typical prank in France involves children taping pictures of fish to classmates’ backs and calling them Poisson d’Avril when they discover the photo.

What will you be doing this April Fool’s Day?

Happiness and Time vs. Money

Recent surveys of 4,600 participants from America, British Columbia, and Vancouver revealed the participants valued time slightly more than money. The study published by the Society for Personality and Social Psychology demonstrated the preference for time was a consistent trait in both everyday activities and major life events. Older participants valued time more than younger adults, suggesting a desire to participate in more meaningful activities. No differences were found among the sexes, but differences among income levels were not assessed. The lead researcher, Ashley Whillans, suggested making small shifts in your usual routine, such as substituting a few hours of work with volunteering, can add meaningfulness and happiness to your life.

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