Classical, jazz, rock, country, rap, electronic are some of many options when it comes to music. For many, music is a pleasurable activity and helps to lift spirits. Researchers at the University of Missouri found an individual can work towards improving their mood by listening to cheery and upbeat music. In addition to music improving emotional well-being, a review of studies by Bradt & Dileo (2009) found music can also yield physical benefits, such as, reducing blood pressure, heart rate, and anxiety in heart disease patient. Aside from listening to music, a 2013 Finnish study including 1,000 students found that those who attended singing classes reported higher satisfaction at school in almost every area. Though research shows improved emotional and physical well-being by listening to happy music, try it out for yourself! Incorporating music into your daily life can be done in multiple ways. Here are just a few: listening to music while driving somewhere, playing music while working out, or joining a music group (e.g., band or choir).
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Happiness Blog
Sometimes we fall into the trap of focusing on everything that is negative around us at the cost of ignoring the positive. Inevitably, this can result in unhappiness. To feel true gratitude, we must make a conscious effort to focus on the present and appreciate what we have now. When we take this mindful stance of gratitude, we experience other positive emotions, such as joy, love, and happiness. In addition, it can help improve your health, improve your ability to deal with adversity, and aid in building strong relationships.
In 2003, Drs. Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough examined the effects of writing weekly in gratitude diaries on undergraduate students. After 10 weeks, the researchers found those who wrote about gratitude in comparison to the other students who wrote about hassles and annoyances and neutral events, were more optimistic, felt better about their lives, reported fewer physical symptoms, and spent more time exercising. Following their initial study, they conducted a second study in which students in the gratitude condition were asked to write in their diaries daily. The other two conditions in this study included, writing about ways they were better off than other people and writing about hassles and annoyances. The results of the second study indicated those in the gratitude condition experienced more positive mood during the two-week period in which they wrote in their diaries daily in comparison to the other students. A third study was later conducted with adults with neuromuscular disease. The participants were asked to either write gratitude diaries for a 21-day period or to just fill in assessments focusing on mood, well-being, and health. Participants in the condition asked to write diary entries also had their partners rate their mood and life satisfaction. Results of the third study suggested participants in the gratitude group overall had more positive views of their life. They reported more positive mood and less negative mood daily during the study, as well as improved sleep. Their partners also reported gratitude impacted the participants’ mood positively.
With that said, try to take a moment every day to reflect on what you are grateful for. Keeping a journal or diary can help not only track your gratitude thoughts, but it can also be a great resource to turn to on a particularly tough day.
Change can be difficult for most, even when it is a welcomed change. For example, accepting an offer for your dream job and moving to a new city. While it is something you have chosen to do, it can still be tough. In the instance of moving, you have to leave behind familiar faces and comforts and then focus on things like trying to make new friends, finding the nearest grocery store, or getting used to the fact that your favorite restaurant does not exist in your new city. Bottom line is, the process of adjustment can be stressful and sometimes we forget that it is also normal! The next time you have to face a change in your life, welcomed or not, I challenge you to allow yourself to feel the range of emotions that come with it. In not struggling with these emotions, but acknowledging them as a part of being human, we decrease their control over us. In doing this, we can then focus on taking the necessary steps to cope effectively.
When we bottle our feelings and thoughts for extended periods of time, our overall well-being suffers. Sure there are instances in which we should probably bite our tongue, but that may not always be the case. Being assertive is a great way of recognizing that your needs matter, as much as anyone else’s needs. It also helps you achieve a sense of standing up for yourself and that feels good! So, what exactly is assertive communication? It is a form of communication in which you clearly and calmly express what you want without either being too passive or too aggressive. While assertive communication does not guarantee that your needs will be met, it can increase your chances and can also improve your relationship with others. Here are some things to keep in mind when communicating assertively: Use “I” statements in which you are clear and direct; describe how another person’s behaviors make you feel; and stick to what your feeling and thinking.
A common image that depicts the conscience is the devil and the angel sitting on a person’s shoulder, whispering into the ear of the person of what they should do. One of the first lessons children are taught is good vs. bad. Whatever imagery we grow up with to depict moral vs. immoral, sinful vs. virtuous, or acceptable vs. unacceptable, we all have to remember that these judgments of the mind are just products of our environment. If we get too stuck in these binary choices, we miss out on experiencing the truth and beauty that lies within our own hearts. How many times have you done something just because you “should” as taught by your parents or some institution? What would have happened if you listened to your own heart and intuition? When we respond out of our own awareness, whatever we do will be good. When we break free of conditioned beliefs, we can start to see life as it really is.
Q: My partner and I disagree on how to deal with bad words with our kids. He uses foul language when he’s frustrated and doesn’t see that as a big deal. I do. I don’t want our kids walking around swearing when they’re mad or stub their toes. How should we handle this?
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A: Once, when I worked in an elementary school, a child got a hold of the overhead system and said every bad word they knew before the microphone was taken. Between the power that comes from booming your thoughts to 500 other kids, and the power that comes from using “bad” words, I can only imagine this kid felt like the Master of the Universe for those five seconds. And while many of us adults were amused, his parents understandably were not. How do we make sure our kid makes different choice when given that moment of power?
First, talk with your partner. With an open mind explore your own and your partner’s philosophies on swearing. Sometimes we get stuck on a rigid belief that something is “good” or “bad” but upon further exploration we find it’s somewhere in the middle, or doesn’t fit our thinking now and we’ve just held onto it for reasons that no longer exist. When you’re both clear with yourselves and each other on what you believe, work together to find a compromise about the policy at home. It’s important to present a united front on rules so kids aren’t confused or start playing parents against each other.
You’re right in noticing that the emotion your partner uses with the foul language is an important factor. Kids might not understand the definition of a word but it’s not hard to figure out from the accompanying emotion what it means. And children are little recorders, playing back language just the way they heard it. Sometimes kids are simply trying out new language, or doing it to get positive or negative attention from someone, but sometimes it’s used as a real expression of their feelings when their language is still limited.
While it’s tempting to ban words, that’s almost certain to have the opposite effect of what you want. Think of it this way: you wouldn’t say to your children, “Whatever you do, don’t ever go into this room because there are a lot of fascinating toys in there you can never play with.” You would expect at some point your children’s curiosity would get the better of them, right? So it is with words, which aren’t even behind a closed door but rather right there on the tip of their tongue! Additionally, parents often ban words in the heat of the moment, meeting the child’s anger with their own anger. Fear of punishment might stop the child’s use of prohibited language in the moment, but could encourage them to practice it in the privacy of their mind. It’ll pop out later, purposefully or by accident.
And let’s face it, unless your child does not and will not be exposed to other people, books, movies, TV shows or the internet, they will certainly learn all these words at some point. The goal isn’t to keep them from being exposed to words but rather to give them all the information they need to make their own good choices about what language to use. In an age-appropriate manner, teach them what the word means (literally and culturally); how it can affect other people; how it can affect how the user is viewed; and that it’s a weak substitute for more clear language about thoughts and feelings. Then, give them that other language.
Start with the basics: sad, scared, mad, hurt. As they become more comfortable with them you can get into more nuanced language: lonely, excluded, embarrassed, ashamed, worried, terrified, irritated, furious, etc. Help them come up with language for their thoughts also, since thoughts lead to feelings. What did that event mean to them that they ended up having such big feelings about it? This will not only help them develop strong language skills but also help you empathize with them during their struggle and strengthen the bond you have with them.
Then when you hear them using bad words, calmly redirect them to a better choice (and of course if the language was aimed at another person you might employ your regular consequences for being unkind). You could turn it into a fun moment by challenging them to come up with a silly word or phrase they can use instead. You’ll be grateful for it when they one day get their hands on a microphone.
Anger management is a considerably frequent topic in therapy, both in our work with individuals and couples. Some people seek therapy on their own to get help, whereas others are court ordered to address anger management. Anger can cause toxic divisions between people, have partners lacking senses of safety or predictability in relationships, and induce powerful shame and embarrassment in the one who struggles to regulate emotion. Fortunately, people can make significant strides in their relationship to their anger in a relatively short time.
The first key element of working through anger is to openly and earnestly explore what functions it serves in one’s life. It can in fact be an adaptive mechanism at times, and recognizing this normalizes and validates it, undermining some of the resultant shame which can occur when one has problematized their anger. Speaking broadly, there are two general functions it serves with people. First, it serves as a communicator when one feels they are not being listened to (albeit a less-than-skillful communicator). Exasperation in not being heard can lead to a person, purposefully or unconsciously, choosing to increase the volume and vitriol. Second, as Sue Johnson explains in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), it can serve to obscure the more tender, intimate feelings, such as loneliness, fear or hurt. If one contacts and communicates these primary feelings, the protection of anger isn’t as needed in one’s life. Successful working through anger requires a skilled and intentional replacing of these functions.
The next key in approaching anger is simply to allow oneself the space to intervene with it. Buddhist psychologist and meditation teacher Jack Kornfield refers to this as taking the “Sacred Pause.” The hormones associated with anger, testosterone, adrenaline and cortisol, lead to racing thoughts and a sense of needing to declare one’s truth (loudly and forcefully) as it occurs. Taking a moment to reflect, calm oneself into a place of internal stillness, and respond rather than react is critical in this work. Many people are never taught this skill and can make great strides at this when taught in therapy. Once that space has opened up, a gentle breathing exercise such as deep diaphragmatic breathing can be a way to soothe the physiological impacts of the stress hormones. Another way to allow ourselves the opportunity to monitor our feelings and ensure they aren’t hurling us around the room is to be sure to listen with openness and repeat back what we are hearing prior to responding. This can slow down the conversation in a way that we may gain some distance from our habitual triggers.
Cognitive therapy can assist with another important part of managing one anger, which is learning respect for others and for opinions that differ from one’s own. Once a person gains insight into what purpose their anger serves, learns to manage the hormonal rush associated with anger, and becomes a better listener, the next challenge is to not get riled up if what one hears or experiences is not what they want. Mutual respect for others’ right to have a different way of thinking, even if you disagree with it, assists a great deal with staying calm.
Having learned to remain calm and listen, the next step is being able to communicate one’s thoughts and feelings effectively. Building communication skills is thus also important to emotion regulation, because it is easier to avoid becoming angry when you feel confident in your ability to clearly express yourself.
Finally, it can be instructive to inquire into what exactly our triggers really are. A common theme is a lack of control leading to frustration or rage. For these people, there can exist a vicious cycle in which they feel powerless or out of control, become frustrated, and then their emotions themselves dictate their words and choices, which reconfirms this feeling of being out of control (only now it’s their own feelings controlling them!), and an instantaneous negative feedback loop is born.
Through a deeper understanding of anger’s place in one’s life, its birth and how it perpetuates, along with some simple emotional regulation and communication skills, people are able to make significant strides. While people on the other end of someone’s anger feel hurt by it, the anger also takes a toll on the person who is angry… it does not feel good to be consumed with anger. Thus these strides in new anger management skills benefit both the individual and those around the person…everyone benefits!
In our society, men in general have been taught not to cry, to put on a brave face when they get hurt, and to not show they are in pain. Women can fall into this tendency as well. All of us, at some point in our lives, have likely been in a situation where we felt like we had to close off our feelings and emotions to avoid getting hurt. If something is especially painful, we might even hide the pain from ourselves. We put up a barrier around our hearts, like a layer of ice, in order to freeze the painful emotions inside, yet we know that a tiny crack in the ice could send the emotions flowing through us again. Tears have the power to melt the ice. It is ok to cry, and there is no reason to feel ashamed of your tears. Crying helps us let go of pain, they allow us to be gentle with ourselves, and they help us to heal.
We hear the whispers of our elders from a very early age that wisdom comes with age. One must experience life to better maneuver it, right? So, we take the ups with the downs and keep trucking through our days waiting for things to get better, our light to shine a little brighter, or just to be acknowledged for caring enough to care. Try using your own energy to empower yourself with realistic positivity to a happier more enlightened you.
Read more about realistic positivity here.
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