Happiness Blog

“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.” – Stuart Smalley, Saturday Night Live

Though he’s quick to admit he’s not a licensed therapist, Al Franken’s character Stuart Smalley was onto an important psychological skill with this positive self-talk business. How we talk to ourselves really affects how we feel. But did you know that how we refer to ourselves is important too? Though Stuart tended to cheerlead and shame himself in the first person, a recent study suggests that using the pronoun “I” increases negative self-talk, while using second-person language (“you” or your name, as if you were talking to a friend) increases objectivity and gentleness. This is important because language is something we can change with rather little effort. That subtle linguistic shift from “I” to “you” can be the difference between making a regrettable emotion-based decision while in a place of deep shame, and feeling adequate enough to consider things in a rational light and make a healthy and effective choice. So it’s a good, simple skill to use when trying to make a hard decision (just ask LeBron James). Plus, we don’t want to spend our precious time in life in shame and telling ourselves we’re not good enough.

In the words of Stuart Smalley, “That’s just stinkin’ thinkin’.”

Think of a baby just learning to walk. He takes a couple of tottering steps and then he’s back on his bottom. Before you know it he’s up again and makes it a few more steps before he falls. He’s not put off for long – this baby’s on a mission and falling is just part of the process. In the end he not only learns how to walk but also how to fall and get back up without missing a beat.

Fast forward a few years. The boy is learning to tie his shoes. Every time he hits that loop part he gets frustrated. He tries over and over, and this time there are tears. Now sometimes he needs encouragement to try again. Then one day, suddenly, he gets it. I mean, he gets it. Have you ever been lucky enough to witness an “a-ha” moment on a kid? The sheer joy that lights up his face is there because he didn’t succeed right away.

We are hard-wired for mastery but we must nurture that drive as we get older. Somehow we learn (some more than others) that if we don’t succeed at something early on, we shouldn’t pursue it.

Fast forward a decade or two. He’s got his first mountain bike and wipes out on his first log jump. If he’s learned that hard-won success is extra sweet, he will try that log again. And again and again and again. Until finally he gets it, and he is no less thrilled than when he was a six-year-old tying his shoes.

Waking up too early to a blaring alarm you are acutely aware that you didn’t get
enough sleep. As you rush around trying to get out the door in time for work you
consider having breakfast but realize you don’t have enough time. As you listen
to the horrible new noise your car is making you imagine what it might cost this
time and decide that you don’t make enough money. You brew your third cup of
coffee before heading into your morning meeting because you don’t have enough
energy. In the meeting you feel shut down and dismissed and you think to
yourself that you don’t get enough respect. Driving home from work, thoroughly
exhausted, you lament that you don’t have enough time off for a proper vacation.
As you crawl into bed you think, “I didn’t get enough done.”

How often in the course of a typical day do you find yourself thinking “not
enough”? As in, I don’t have enough time, I don’t have enough money, I don’t
have enough love or respect? When we become hyperaware of scarcity we start to
act out of fear. At best it might come across as insensitivity and at worst,
entitlement or narcissism. It looks like not letting people into your lane
because you want to get home as fast as possible. It looks like getting loud
with the store manager to make them bend their return policy for you. It looks
“ugly,” as we say in the South.

The fear of scarcity is a huge obstacle to happiness. The antidote? “I have
enough.” Just trying on this new way of thinking might be enough to quell that
fear and turn towards happiness.

POP QUIZ

Your spouse says to you: “You didn’t run the washing machine last night. There was something in there I wanted to wear today.” You respond with:

A)     “Call the police!”

B)     “Geez! I forgot, alright?! So sue me. You never notice the stuff I do right around here.”

C)     “Oh, shoot! Sorry about that.”

Pencils down! Let’s look at these.

A) – depending on the intensity of the situation, the state of your relationship, each person’s personality, what kind of mood each person is in right then, and all the subtleties of your delivery, this answer could be seen as sarcastic and rude or simply lighthearted. So it might escalate or help de-escalate a conflict. Lots to consider with this response.

B) is a highly defensive answer and the most likely to elicit a defensive attack from your spouse or an abrupt backing off and disconnect. Neither of which is good for a relationship.

C) is the correct response if your goal is to have a happy, healthy relationship. This response is the most likely to immediately and completely diffuse a conflict. According to John Gottman, a world-renowned couple’s therapist and researcher, frequent defensiveness is one of the four indicators that a marriage is headed towards divorce. The antidote? You guessed it! Taking responsibility. Try it. The next time you feel defensive don’t just react. Genuinely take responsibility and then sit back and notice the immediate and pleasant effects it has on you, the other person, and your relationship.

Think of your beloved grandmother. Or your dog, or your child. Someone you love with your whole heart. Imagine telling them repeatedly that they’re inadequate. That no matter how hard they try they’re not good enough. If you’re good at imagining you’re probably cringing now. It feels awful even thinking of treating someone we love so poorly! So why treat ourselves this way? Because that’s what we do every time we fall prey to perfectionism. When we set unattainable, unrealistic expectations and goals for ourselves we set ourselves up for repeated failure with the inevitable message of inadequacy.  Shame and guilt are not effective motivators for change and we know this when it comes to others but somehow forget it when it comes to us. Treat yourself the way you treat your loved ones. Model for them how you’d want them to treat themselves. Stop making perfectionism a badge of honor.

I’m a hurrier. I value efficiency and timeliness. But sometimes outside forces put a crimp in my ability to translate these values into practice, so instead of actually being efficient and on time I just stress about it. Maybe you’ve experienced this too – a new job with a tight schedule that forces you to rush around, or you’ve become a parent and are figuring out how to fit another person’s life into your own. Life can (and does) change, and sometimes the life we’ve moved into doesn’t have enough hours in the day to get everything done. That’s stressful, but it it’s only the tip of the iceberg.  There are significant secondary effects that hurrying can have on us and those around us. When I hurry I make less eye contact with the checkout clerk and smile less at my colleague when saying good morning. I’ll tend to zoom ahead instead of letting someone into my lane when I’m driving to work. In short, I’m not my best “me.” Appearing unrelaxed, unapproachable, and unhappy can affect other people’s happiness and most certainly affects how they interact with me. It’s a feedback loop of unhappiness.  Also, hurrying doesn’t always achieve what we want to achieve. A friend once did an experiment after getting another speeding ticket on his way to the beach. The next few times he went he drove the speed limit the whole way. Not only did it take only about 15 minutes more but the entire drive was relaxing and enjoyable. His weekend could start when he started the drive instead of three hours later when he got to his destination. Sometimes we need to hurry, but let’s face it fellow chronic hurriers – usually we don’t. So let’s practice not rushing. What’s the worst that can happen? We’re a little late for something and we learn to leave earlier next time. And the best that can happen? We and everyone around us feels more relaxed and happy. So hurry up and start slowing down!