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Happiness and Global Love Day

Get ready to love! Global Love Day is May 1st. It was created by the Love Foundation in 2004 and is celebrated in countries around the world. Its tenets are:

We are one humanity on this planet.
All life is interconnected and interdependent.
All share in the Universal bond of love.
Love begins with self acceptance and forgiveness.
With respect and compassion we embrace diversity.
Together we make a difference through love.

If your city is not one of the 475 cities who officially honor Global Love Day, take your love to the internet. Second Life celebrates Global Love Day so stay home from work, spruce up your avatar, and virtually love on humanity all day long. Just make sure to share some of that love with the real world.

Julie Michalowski, Psy.D.

Julie MichalowskiDr. Julie Michalowski is a licensed psychologist who provides individual, couples, family, and group therapy, in addition to a range of psychological and educational assessments. Providing therapy she has worked predominantly with teenagers, young adults, adults, and geriatric clients, and providing evaluations she has worked with all ages, children as well as adults. Dr. Julie Michalowski has a doctorate degree in Clinical Psychology and has practiced in a variety of settings to include private practice, community mental health, hospitals, and college counseling. She has also completed specialty training in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).

Intervention Style: Dr. Michalowski places much emphasis on the therapeutic relationship, believing it to be a great vehicle for change during the therapy process. She collaborates with clients, tailoring goals to each individual’s specific needs, and helping them develop skills to overcome problems. Dr. Michalowski approaches therapy primarily through client-centered and interpersonal orientations, while incorporating empirically-validated therapies such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). She is a big believer in the usefulness of DBT, especially for those individuals experiencing difficulty with emotion regulation and interpersonal relationships.

Therapy Experience with Adults: Dr. Michalowski focuses on establishing goals that are solution-focused while also incorporating a piece of psychoeducational material to help the individual gain an understanding of the etiology of their experienced difficulties. She believes in educating her clients about the stages of change and helping them identify where they are in the cycle. Dr. Michalowski has worked with and helped adults experiencing all forms of anxiety, mood disorders, severe and persistent mental illness, emotion dysregulation, trauma and abuse, parenting difficulties, and strained relationships.

Therapy Experience with Teens and Young Adults: Dr. Michalowski is passionate about working with teens and young adults. Her approach to therapy is similar to that with adults, while taking into special consideration the developmental level and life stage of the individual. The teens and young adults that Dr. Michalowski has worked with in the past have reported feeling understood in the therapeutic relationship and motivated to play an active role in the therapy process. Dr. Michalowski is able to connect with teens and young adults, meeting them where they are at in the process of change. Having a creative side, she incorporates games, art, sports, and music into her therapy style. Dr. Michalowski has worked with and helped teens and young adults experiencing anxiety, mood disorders, trauma and abuse, relationship conflict with family and peers, emotion dysregulation, identity development, and other adjustment difficulties that come along in the day to day life of a teenager and young adult.

Assessments: Dr. Michalowski has experience completing psychological assessments with individuals at each developmental level. She is competent in assessing IQ and adaptive abilities, behavioral functioning, parent rating scales, personality and emotional functioning, substance abuse, and a range of forensic evaluations. She has worked with custody cases requiring evaluation of all family members.

Personal: Dr. Michalowski enjoys most outdoor activities, especially if she can do them with her black lab, Dodger. She enjoys exploring new places, trying unique food and restaurants, and listening to live music. Her creative side has her often scrolling Pinterest for DIY projects and new recipes. Dr. Michalowski has also recently pursued interests in photography and triathlons.

Happiness and Difficult Life Events

I heard a great story on NPR’s Storycorps recently that epitomizes something I talk about often in therapy and something I try very hard to live: instead of trying to forget difficult life events, figuring out how to make them work for you.

In this story, two adults talk about a car accident they’d been in when they were in high school. The man was driving and he hit the woman as she was crossing the road. I’ll skip over most of the story to get to the point of this post: guess what they did with their lives? She became a stunt woman specializing in car hits, and he became a surgical technician who does a lot of orthopedic surgery on car accident victims. An incredible and inspiring use of difficult life events. Does it make you wonder what path you might have taken had you used certain difficult events to work for you?

Or maybe – what path you still could take?

Happiness in Quotation: Butterflies

Last weekend we went to a butterfly house. Have you ever been? Usually there’s a winding maze amongst tropical trees and shrubs, with fruit and hummingbird feeders tucked here and there and lots of butterflies fluttering all around you. It’s really warm inside, and peaceful. It’s a different world. While there I saw a big yellow butterfly land on a boy’s shoulder. At first he wasn’t aware of it because he was looking the other way, but when he noticed he stopped everything and just took it in, totally focused, frozen in awe and delight. It made me think of this:

“Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.” ~Nathaniel Hawthorne

I’m not sure I totally agree with the entire sentiment here, as I’m firmly in the Pursue and Create Your Own Happiness camp, but it made me think of how often happiness might be sitting beside us on the bus or climbing into bed next to us after a long day, and we don’t notice because we’re looking the other way. Hawthorne and I agree about this, though – never miss a chance to notice happiness alighting upon you.

Happiness and Engaging with Interest

When you bump into your friend at the grocery store, how do you treat them? You’re probably smiling just because you’re happy to see them. Maybe you ask them how they are and have a question about some important detail of their life. You probably maintain pretty good eye contact while you’re talking and your voice has genuine enthusiasm. All signs that you are glad to be with them in that moment. Now – how do you treat your significant other when you reunite at the end of the day? Do you have that same genuine curiosity, enthusiasm, and desire to engage? Do you make that consistent eye contact, smile as broadly, and focus on one of their important details? So often we get into small habits with our partner that maintain ease and convenience but not self-esteem or happiness. Try it tonight. Engage with your partner as you might someone else you’re not quite as intimate and comfortable with.

Connecting During Distress – April 2015

Q: My 4th grade daughter has been in a really bad mood lately – moping around, angry, crying sometimes. My wife and I handle it in different ways: I try to distract her and get her mind on something fun, and my wife pushes her to talk about what’s wrong. Nothing we’ve tried works and we’re arguing with each other a lot about how to help her. Any advice?
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A: This is a great question. You’re both probably approaching your daughter with techniques that used to work with her or techniques that work for you. If there’s one thing we know about kids, it’s that they’re always changing and what worked on Tuesday might not work on Wednesday. And it’s true that what works for one person won’t necessarily work for another. It sounds like this situation would be a good time to practice an Emotion Coaching parenting style. The research of John Gottman has shown us the benefit to viewing difficult emotions as an opportunity to connect. He describes Emotion Coaching Parents as parents who are comfortable with difficult emotions in themselves and others. They notice the feelings are there and can identify them (can distinguish between different emotions and label them correctly). They view their child’s difficult emotions as a chance to connect and teach. They approach their child gently and with sincere interest and listen empathically while validating the child’s feelings. They help the child label the emotion he or she is having and set limits on emotional expression while helping the child problem-solve.

In contrast, Dismissing Parents and Disapproving Parents tend to disengage from their child in distress because they feel uncomfortable with difficult emotions and are focused on having those emotions go away as soon as possible. They don’t help their child name their emotions or assist them in problem-solving. They are more likely to avoid any discussion about it or tell them what to do. The child doesn’t feel heard and understood and doesn’t learn to become more comfortable with difficult emotions, figure out how to cope with them, or learn problem-solving skills. Disapproving Parents tend to also have a shaming, critical message during their child’s distress. Laissez-Faire parents are on the other end of the spectrum. They believe any emotion and any emotional expression is appropriate, so while they can sit with their child through the difficult emotions, they don’t teach the child about coping or problem-solving.

Children of Dismissing Parents and Disapproving Parents tend to struggle with trusting and accepting their emotions because they believe that negative emotions are wrong and bad and shouldn’t exist. They struggle with calming themselves and figuring out solutions. Children of Disapproving Parents also struggle with self esteem. Children of Laissez-Faire Parents have trouble forming friendships and getting along with others. All of these children struggle with emotion regulation because they weren’t taught what emotions are and how to calm themselves.

Don’t despair if you feel like the Dismissing, Disapproving, or Laissez-Faire Parent describes you at times! All these parents can be loving, smart parents who want to do their best for their children. The difference amongst the four types of Parenting Styles is the comfort level with emotions and skill sets in teaching about what emotions are, how to regulate them, and how to problem-solve. These are all skills that can be learned. And if you feel like your daughter is struggling with something or in some way that is truly beyond your scope, and if she is talking about hurting herself or engaging in self-injurious behaviors, I’d recommend asking her if she’d like to talk with a neutral third party and contact a therapist in your area. This person can talk directly with your daughter and also work with you on connecting with your daughter during hard times.

Change is a Process

“We fail to realize that mastery is not about perfection. It’s about a process, a journey. The master is the one who stays on the path day after day, year after year. The master is the one who is willing to try, and fail, and try again, for as long as he or she lives.” George Leonard.

How are those New Year’s Resolutions going? Didn’t think anyone still thought about those this far into the year did you? If you feel like you’ve already “fallen off the path,” it’s ok. Remember, change is a process. Just because you may have stopped actively working on your goal doesn’t mean you can’t re-start and keep going. Stopping during a process of change does not equal failure, it just means you need to reflect on what happened and pick up where you left off, or maybe it means you need to create a new plan. You already have 3 months of experience to inform you on what worked and what didn’t. Don’t wait until next year to try again, try again now!

Happiness and Smiling for the Camera

Before Kodak came out with the Brownie – the first inexpensive, portable camera – in 1900, people didn’t tend to smile for pictures because getting your picture taken was a lengthy process. Plus it wasn’t considered dignified and respected, which was important to people who could afford photographs. Kodak brought quick photography to the masses by making it affordable and then marketing it as a way to capture happy moments. Kodak’s slogans (“Vacation days are Kodak days” and “Save your happy moments with a Kodak”) helped turn the idea of photography into something that could be – and should be – enjoyed by everyone. Everyone except Mark Twain: “A photograph is a most important document, and there is nothing more damning to go down to posterity than a silly, foolish smile caught and fixed forever.”

Sounds like Mark Twain would’ve been a fan of the smize.

Using Emotion-Coaching as a Parenting Style

Even the most confident parent sometimes wonders, “Did I do that right?” This question commonly comes up in times of discipline, so we usually end up giving more thought about how to engage with our children at those times. But not every moment of interaction with our children is about handling unwanted behavior. How can we go about engaging more conscientiously with our children when there is not a conflict to resolve?

John Gottman, Ph.D., a renowned relationship researcher, posits that how we go about connecting with our child when they’re experiencing a difficult emotion is crucial to our relationship and their development. The difficult emotion is sometimes paired with inappropriate behavior, so we might be inclined to address the behavior and be done with it. In Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child – The Heart of Parenting, Gottman implores us to explore the more vulnerable emotions behind the anger and use the moment as a bonding and teaching experience. Gottman identifies four types of parenting styles: Dismissing, Disapproving, Laissez-Faire, and Emotion Coaching.

The Dismissing Parent views their child’s difficult emotions as harmful and their focus is for these feelings to go away quickly. They fear intense and difficult emotions because they don’t know how to handle them, plus they feel burdened as they interpret the child’s feelings as a demand that we fix something. They discount the child’s feelings as unimportant and irrational and they minimize them by making light of them or distracting the child. They don’t help the child understand these feelings nor do they teach problem-solving. Children raised in this environment tend to believe that there is something inherently wrong with them to have such feelings, and they learn to discount themselves. They have trouble with emotion regulation.

The Disapproving Parent is similar to the Dismissing Parent but more negative. They see difficult emotions as a sign of a bad character and their focus is to make the feelings go away quickly and for the child to understand they should not express them. They use criticism, reprimands, punishment, and set a lot of limits to make this happen. They believe children use emotions to manipulate and tend to be very concerned with obedience. They believe that children need to become emotionally tough to survive. The effects on children are the same as with Dismissive Parents. but with the added effect of chipping away at their ego with shame.

The Laissez-Faire Parent views all emotions and emotional expression as acceptable. They offer comfort to the child in distress but they don’t help them understand their emotions or problem-solve because they believe the only thing you need to do with emotions is express them and wait for them to pass. They typically are permissive and offer few limits and little guidance on behavior. Children of Laissez-Faire parents tend to have trouble concentrating, forming friendships, getting along with others, and regulating emotions.

The Emotion-Coaching Parent views difficult emotions as opportunities to bond with their child. They believe that difficult emotions are normal and healthy, and are able to sit through them with their child while setting limits on inappropriate expression. They respect the child’s emotion and allow them to feel whatever they feel. They teach the child about emotions, and guide them in problem-solving. These children learn skills for problem-solving and emotion regulation, trust their feelings, have a high self-esteem, and tend to do well socially and academically.

So how do we become Emotion-Coaching Parents? This is Gottman’s five-step approach:
1. Notice the child’s emotion.
2. See it as an opportunity to bond and teach.
3. Use empathic listening to validate their feelings.
4. Help them label their emotions.
5. Set limits on appropriate behavior and help the child problem-solve.

While it seems simple on paper, each step can be a challenge for any parent. The key is to start with the beliefs that experiencing a full range of emotions is healthy and normal and that feeling bad doesn’t give us a free pass to behave however we want (the initial obstacles for Dismissing, Disapproving, and Laissez-Faire Parents). Then you can jump in to the middle of the emotional maelstrom and weather the storm with your child, helping them navigate their way out of it so the next storm isn’t so brutal.

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