Happiness Blog

Q: My kids won’t apologize to each other. It drives me crazy! Usually they just stand there and say nothing, and if I push it they grunt like a caveman. I’m worried what will happen (or may already be happening) to their friendships and future relationships if they can’t learn to do this. How do you teach a child to say they’re sorry?
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A: You are not the first parent to struggle with this. I bet some of those prehistoric cave paintings were cave-parents trying to figure out this very thing.

What’s the real point of an apology? It’s not merely to say the words “I’m sorry” but that’s what we teach when we force someone to apologize (even if we follow up with, “Now say it like you mean it!”). The point of an apology is to try to heal a relationship by taking ownership of a behavior, by demonstrating remorse for having hurt someone, and by indicating that we intend not to hurt them in this way in the future. A real apology is about healing and connection rather than shame and weakness. It gives both parties a chance to feel good about themselves and each other and allows the relationship to move forward. Along the way, apologizing can help a person develop empathy and social skills, learn to organize thoughts, and develop the detailed language needed to express them well.

It’s understandable why parents try to force their kids to apologize – they want to make it right for the victim and they want the perpetrator to be responsible and own up to his wrongdoing. But a forced apology usually isn’t genuine and typically doesn’t work. It’s more likely to make both parties mad – the apologizer feels controlled and ashamed and the apologizee feels insulted a second time. Fake apologies often just increase spite and competition. So we want to teach rather than force kids to apologize. After all, we’re not born knowing how to give a great apology and it’s an important social skill. The first thing to remember, as with anything else we want our kids to learn – model, model, model it. Let your child see you apologize to others, and of course apologize to your child whenever it’s appropriate. Not only is it teaching by demonstration but it also shows that everybody makes mistakes and apologizing is healthy, effective, and a sign of strength.

Here are some ideas on instructing your child in the fine art of apologizing:

• Wait until his anger has subsided. When angry, a person needs to be heard before they can listen well. If the person needing to apologize is still emotionally charged from the event they are not yet in a place where they can hear you and be vulnerable enough to apologize.

• In private, talk non-judgmentally about the event, empathize with him, discuss the relationship and why he might want to repair it, help him empathize with the other person, and help him problem-solve. Empower him to apologize. A sincere apology has three or four parts: it requires acknowledging what you did that was hurtful (“I broke your crayon.”), how it affected the other person (“That hurt your feelings and also you weren’t able to finish your drawing.”), possibly some insight as to why you behaved that way (“It was hard for me to wait my turn for that color.”) and what you will do differently next time (“Next time I’ll work on something else until you’re done.”). Help him construct a solid apology, give him a chance to practice it with you, and then support him in apologizing to the other person when he’s ready.

• Encourage him NOT to apologize if he doesn’t mean it. This will help him learn to apologize sincerely rather than using it as a free pass (“I can do this thing again as long as I say I’m sorry.”)

• Remind him to listen to what the recipient has to say after he apologizes. Warn him that the other person might not accept his apology, and that’s their right. Teach him how to gracefully deal with that. (It’s also a good idea to teach your child how to accept apologies gracefully.)

• For minor squabbles, a formal apology might be unnecessary. In that case it’s still a good idea to “make peace” or “repair,” whatever that means to the people involved. It might not include any words. Your child might hug the other person or help them fix the physical damage he caused. He might draw a picture for the other person, write a note about what he likes about them, or suggest playing a game they want to play.

• Rather than getting into a power struggle about him apologizing, or threatening consequences for not apologizing or repairing, emphasize your faith that your child will make a good choice about how to repair. Expressing confidence about someone’s character is a stronger motivator than expressing concern.

Remember that learning a skill, especially one so entwined with intense emotions, is a process. There will be trial-and-error and discomfort and lots of times when it doesn’t turn out the way you want it to, especially in the beginning. Stick with it and eventually your cave-kids will start issuing apologies like civilized folk.

Last month we discussed the benefit of logical consequences over punishment, and how (and why) to choose logical consequences. But it’s important to note that even if we follow all those guidelines and give a perfect logical consequence, it’s punishment if the child perceives it as such. It’ll have the same results to their attitude, self-concept, and self-esteem as punishment. We can attempt to influence how they see it by presenting it appropriately, but they have ultimate control over their interpretation. This is one reason to try to use other things before using logical consequences.

When we see a misbehavior we often feel driven to stop it immediately. It’s why yelling is first line of defense for many parents. But our goal is twofold: stop the behavior and keep it from recurring. Remember that there is always some belief, some unmet need, driving every behavior. The better you can understand what that is, the more effectively you can connect with your child in a way that treats the origin of the problem and strengthens the relationship, making them more likely to not engage in this misbehavior again. Here are some questions you might ask yourself to help you decide how to handle a situation:

• What developmental issue(s) might this behavior be about (consider Erikson’s Psychosocial Stages)? Is this behavior – though troubling – normal or even adaptive? This doesn’t mean you don’t want to improve it but you will approach it with a very different attitude if you think it is normal or even good (sassy = assertive).

• What need is being met with this behavior (consider Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs)? Could you perhaps even remember what it was like to be a kid with this particular need? This will help hugely with compassion and gentleness.

• Is it clear to the child what is expected of them in this situation?

(Consider discussing the next three with your child after they’ve calmed down.)

• What rule is being broken?

• What problem is the behavior creating?

• What will help to solve the problem?

This last one is so important. Sometimes we forget about good old-fashioned problem solving if we’re in the habit of giving consequences. If a misbehavior is repeated frequently that is a strong sign that we need to problem-solve, which you can do as a team, with your child. Because chances are your child is not a little beast. Chances are your child wants life to go pretty smoothly, just like you do. It’s likely that he just doesn’t have the skills necessary to logically and creatively solve the problem.

Also, ask yourself if you even have to address this. Maybe natural consequences will be the teacher so you don’t have to be. Natural consequences are those that inevitably happen as a result of one’s choice. They are not administered by you. For instance, if your child refuses to wear a coat in the winter, he will be cold. If you see behavior at home that you anticipate will be a problem elsewhere, help your child understand and anticipate natural consequences as a disincentive to continue it (hitting a peer might result in the peer not wanting to play with you at recess). You’ll often have a choice to make about whether or not to use natural consequences. You definitely don’t want to when the behavior you’re trying to eliminate is dangerous, like running into the road without looking. But how about not tying shoes? A slightly skinned knee might be a good teaching tool but broken teeth would be overkill. You also want to avoid natural consequences as the main teacher when they are so far in the future that your child won’t connect it to the behavior. And obviously, don’t use natural consequences when they negatively affect someone other than your child.

Another reason to use something other than consequences is because experiencing (often unpleasant) consequences is not always necessary or even the best way to learn. Remember that a person does not need to suffer in order to learn. This sounds obvious but even the most loving parent might feel irked when they are fed up with a misbehavior and impose a consequence… and their child enjoys it. Remember your goals: stop the behavior and keep it from recurring. Rewards for not doing the misbehavior can often be much more effective than negative consequences (for example, if a young child is waking you at the crack of dawn, giving a small reward (praise is enough for some children) each time he stays in his room until a certain hour might get better results than taking away a favorite toy every time he doesn’t). Consider using emotion-coaching skills (empathizing, connecting, setting limits on inappropriate expression of emotion, and problem-solving with them). This is often more effective than giving consequences because it addresses the misbehavior while strengthening the relationship and supporting the child’s self-esteem. Prevention is another important area that is easy to overlook – structuring things so that the misbehavior can’t be done in the future (usually by setting routines and teaching rules. For example, if the misbehavior is coloring on the wall, a rule for the future might be that you only get to hold a crayon if you’re seated at the table).

One last reason to use something other than a logical consequence – sometimes you just can’t think of one! When that happens it could be a sign that a logical consequence isn’t the way to go. Since we often find ourselves wearing the disciplinarian hat far more than we want to anyway, we might as well try one of the other techniques. Who knows? Maybe we’ll find a result of giving fewer consequences is that our child needs them less, and we can wear the fun hat more often.