Happiness Blog

Q: My son is now in the 4th grade, but last year he had a really rough time remembering homework assignments. Since the school year is just starting, I was wondering if you could provide me with some ideas to make sure he does not fall into the same trap again.

A: Aside from completing homework, turning in assignments, and passing tests, organization is an important factor in academic success. A child can know the material and have the ability to obtain good grades, but work needs to be turned in to prove that. Most children want to do well in school and do not want to get in trouble, so giving them tools can go a long way.

A planner or assignment book is a great way for any child to get organized and can help parents track what is going on as well. When introducing a planner to your child, take time to talk to them about how to incorporate it in their daily routine that seems doable and realistic to them. Children have enough going on at school that a tool to help manage things should not add more stress. Perhaps it makes sense for them to sit down first thing in the morning and make note of any assignments indicated on the board into the planner or at the end of the day as they are packing up to go home. Consistency is key to making something automatic, so emphasize that over battling about what time you think is best for them. By having a planner, the burden of remembering multiple things is reduced. Instead, when they go home they only have to remember one thing – look in the planner! In addition, taking a collaborative approach to problem solve this reoccurring issue with your child shows them you are on their team and want them to succeed.

As this new method is in the experimental phase, it can be helpful for you to check-in with them about each subject to potentially help jog their memory in case they forgot to write something down. Many schools put assignments online, so you can also cross reference what your child has written down to what is posted. Otherwise, there is the option of asking the school for help. For instance, your child’s teacher can check the planner at the end of every school day to ensure all information is accurately noted.

For children that remember to write down assignments and complete them, but forget to turn them in, a little something extra is needed. The goal here is still to make whatever approach that is agreed upon automatic. For example, deciding on a specific folder that is only for completed assignments that need to be turned in. Your child then only has to remember to look in that folder versus searching the entire backpack for a worksheet. Similar to keeping up with the planner, you can check-in after homework time every day to make sure the completed work is in the correct folder. If that still does not help and your child still forgets to turn in the work, consider asking the teacher for help. By having a designated folder, you can let the teacher know where to look.

At the end of the day, the responsibility to complete and submit homework is not yours. Your role is to equip your child with skills, provide support, and be their cheerleader! If doing these things is ineffective and your child still struggles with organization and remembering, it could be helpful to meet with a child psychologist for assistance in finding strategies that work for your child, or to decide if psycho-educational testing to determine the presence of focus issues is warranted.

Q: Our 13- year old son just received a cell phone for his birthday and now we are realizing that maybe we needed to consider some rules before giving it to him. He has the phone constantly out at the dinner table, is distracted by it while doing his homework, and tries to keep it with him at night. What can we do?!

A: First off, you are not alone in this battle! Often children and teenagers, even adults, are glued to their phones. Before discussing how to address some of the issues that arise from a child having a phone, it is worth taking a step back and viewing the situation through a child’s lens. Children are starting to have cell phones at younger ages these days and those that do not have one claim all their friends have one already. Naturally, when a child receives his/her first phone, it is exciting! From that perspective, it makes sense that they want to use it whenever they can and it can feel like mission impossible to peel them away from it. With that said, too much screen time can be detrimental and some ground rules can help find a balance of allowing your child to reap the benefits of technology, but also connect with the real world.

Before establishing any rules, consider your child’s usage. Perhaps spend a few days or maybe even a week to pay attention to how often they are using their cell phone and when. By being mindful of this information, you can be more specific with your rules. After learning the amount of time they spend on their phone, consider when you believe your child should shut off their phone for the night and when it is appropriate from them to turn it on the next day. Weekday and weekend times may differ, so take a moment to consider that as well. Also, think about activities during which you do not want them to use their phone (e.g., during homework time, meals, family time, etc.) It is important that whatever time is decided upon stays consistent and that you try to be as specific as possible.

If you have not done so already, decide on a charging area that is not their bedroom (e.g., kitchen or living room). If there is concern your child will sneak their phone into their room at night, then perhaps the charging station can be placed in your bedroom. Every night they are in control of placing the phone where it belongs as part of their night time routine, which in turn reduces the back and forth of “it’s time to give me your phone.”

Now that there are some basic rules, what are the consequences for breaking them? Rather than deciding in the moment, which can lead to inconsistency and further conflict, determine this beforehand. It is also beneficial to share these consequences with your child when you are telling them about the rules, so the consequence does not come as a surprise. Phone time can also be structured as a reward, such as, “After your homework you can use your phone,” or for the weekends, “After you clean your bedroom and mow the lawn, you can use your phone,” thus phone time becomes a reward. One of the best ways to increase compliance is modeling what is expected. This means, you also do not have your phone out at the dinner table!

These rules may have to be revisited and revised from time to time because this is a learning curve for both you and your child. Also, as your child gets older, changing habits, interests, and needs have to be considered as they relate to the cell phone rules.