Archive for: Something to Ponder

So many moments, evenings, or whole relationships get off track because one or both people are not playing “on the team.” “On the team” means that you’re remembering that you love and respect your partner, and you’re looking out for their needs and feelings as much as your own. It does not mean giving in all the time, or falsely building them up. If both partners are playing on the team, you’ll have a discussion instead of an argument. You’ll problem-solve a lot more efficiently, with negotiation and compromise. More and more you’ll find each other considering the other’s needs because you won’t need to anxiously defend your own and try to ‘win.’ Next time you find yourself in an argument with your partner, take a moment to explore it and figure out who got off the team. And then get back on!

Did you know you can turn your anxiety into eagerness, motivation, and inspiration with just a quick change of thinking? If you choose to perceive a stressor as a challenge rather than a threat, your body releases less cortisol (a stress hormone) and more DHEA (a hormone linked with healing and relaxation). This means you will feel physically and emotionally less anxious and more positive. Think back – when have you considered something a challenge? What were your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors as a result? In the past when you’ve regarded something as a threat, how did that affect you? Could you have reframed that situation as a challenge instead? How might that have changed your mood and response? The way we think is one of the few things we have control over – take advantage of it!

The Guest House by Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi is one of my favorite poems. More than once, it has helped me cope during difficult times. The poem invites us to accept every experience mindfully with trust and gratitude, with spiritual and intellectual curiosity and a measure of detachment. Specifically, Rumi encourages us to come face to face consciously with our most difficult, intense emotions and honor them as a purposeful part of our human condition and trust that they have arrived to guide and teach us what we are here to learn.

The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

by Mewlana Jalaluddin Rumi
Translated by Coleman Barks

Much of relationship ambivalence revolves around feelings of love. But love is just a perception about what you’re feeling. What’s helpful to ask is do you really like each other? Are you willing to give to each other unconditionally, at least for a while? With that said if there is something that should be changed, about yourself or about your partner, are you both willing to acknowledge it and make that change? Can you be partners in what it takes to make the change?

This isn’t just a matter of you feeling like you can trust the other person with your secrets, emotions, and mistakes; it’s also that you can handle their messiness. We are a culture that emphasizes independence and sometimes that means we blame others when things don’t go our way. It’s helpful to take a step back and see if your boundaries are about protecting yourself from revealing too much or from knowing too much. Do you feel safe? Can you let down your defenses a bit?

In relationships, it can be helpful to reflect upon whether or not there were ‘good times’ prior to the conflict or crisis. Are you able to remember better times? Were those better times ‘very good’ or has there always been an empty, tainted or painful quality to the relationship. Sometimes it feels too hard to judge this when we are only viewing the negative aspects of a relationship; however, the challenge is to really take a step back and view the relationship as realistically as possible. Very often we are able to recognize the ‘very good’ times and finds ways to bring those qualities back into our relationships.

Know what your major goals are and where your purpose lies, recognize what you need to change, and make a plan of action to develop your passion for your purpose.

There are no repercussions, no responsibilities to worry about. Would you spend time looking for pleasure, enlightenment, escape from the life you have? Can you do any of those things now?

Why do we wait for other people to change before we’re willing to take the same step forward? Even if others aren’t willing or able to make the changes we would like to see them make, we can feel good about what we are adding to the world. And maybe, it will rub off on someone.