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Even the most confident parent sometimes wonders, “Did I do that right?” This question commonly comes up in times of discipline, so we usually end up giving more thought about how to engage with our children at those times. But not every moment of interaction with our children is about handling unwanted behavior. How can we go about engaging more conscientiously with our children when there is not a conflict to resolve?

John Gottman, Ph.D., a renowned relationship researcher, posits that how we go about connecting with our child when they’re experiencing a difficult emotion is crucial to our relationship and their development. The difficult emotion is sometimes paired with inappropriate behavior, so we might be inclined to address the behavior and be done with it. In Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child – The Heart of Parenting, Gottman implores us to explore the more vulnerable emotions behind the anger and use the moment as a bonding and teaching experience. Gottman identifies four types of parenting styles: Dismissing, Disapproving, Laissez-Faire, and Emotion Coaching.

The Dismissing Parent views their child’s difficult emotions as harmful and their focus is for these feelings to go away quickly. They fear intense and difficult emotions because they don’t know how to handle them, plus they feel burdened as they interpret the child’s feelings as a demand that we fix something. They discount the child’s feelings as unimportant and irrational and they minimize them by making light of them or distracting the child. They don’t help the child understand these feelings nor do they teach problem-solving. Children raised in this environment tend to believe that there is something inherently wrong with them to have such feelings, and they learn to discount themselves. They have trouble with emotion regulation.

The Disapproving Parent is similar to the Dismissing Parent but more negative. They see difficult emotions as a sign of a bad character and their focus is to make the feelings go away quickly and for the child to understand they should not express them. They use criticism, reprimands, punishment, and set a lot of limits to make this happen. They believe children use emotions to manipulate and tend to be very concerned with obedience. They believe that children need to become emotionally tough to survive. The effects on children are the same as with Dismissive Parents. but with the added effect of chipping away at their ego with shame.

The Laissez-Faire Parent views all emotions and emotional expression as acceptable. They offer comfort to the child in distress but they don’t help them understand their emotions or problem-solve because they believe the only thing you need to do with emotions is express them and wait for them to pass. They typically are permissive and offer few limits and little guidance on behavior. Children of Laissez-Faire parents tend to have trouble concentrating, forming friendships, getting along with others, and regulating emotions.

The Emotion-Coaching Parent views difficult emotions as opportunities to bond with their child. They believe that difficult emotions are normal and healthy, and are able to sit through them with their child while setting limits on inappropriate expression. They respect the child’s emotion and allow them to feel whatever they feel. They teach the child about emotions, and guide them in problem-solving. These children learn skills for problem-solving and emotion regulation, trust their feelings, have a high self-esteem, and tend to do well socially and academically.

So how do we become Emotion-Coaching Parents? This is Gottman’s five-step approach:
1. Notice the child’s emotion.
2. See it as an opportunity to bond and teach.
3. Use empathic listening to validate their feelings.
4. Help them label their emotions.
5. Set limits on appropriate behavior and help the child problem-solve.

While it seems simple on paper, each step can be a challenge for any parent. The key is to start with the beliefs that experiencing a full range of emotions is healthy and normal and that feeling bad doesn’t give us a free pass to behave however we want (the initial obstacles for Dismissing, Disapproving, and Laissez-Faire Parents). Then you can jump in to the middle of the emotional maelstrom and weather the storm with your child, helping them navigate their way out of it so the next storm isn’t so brutal.

COURT-ORDERED MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES
COVERED BY INSURANCE

One of the most common questions we get is regarding what court-ordered services, if any, can be covered by insurance. I say “if any” because attorneys and clients sometimes have the mistaken assumption that mental health services cannot be covered by insurance when they are court-ordered.

However, it is not the referral source that determines whether a service could be reimbursed by insurance. Two criteria must exist for a service to be medically necessary, a relevant CPT code (i.e., service code) and diagnostic code. Or in plain English, if a client meets criteria for a mental health diagnosis that can be treated with therapy or medication, that claim can be turned into insurance.

So here’s the QUICK GLANCE for potential insurance reimbursement:
Therapy – yes (includes all forms of therapy, for all presenting problems)
Psychological (or substance abuse) Evaluation – yes
Parent Coordinator – no
Custody Evaluation – no

Hey, where did the “nos” come from! you may ask. Let me explain.

Parent Coordinator (PC) appointments are not covered by insurance. The insurance companies say that if PC is a role that can be held by an attorney as well as a mental health professional, then it is not a medical role and not reimbursed. There’s logic to that for sure. Also the PC has authority to make some limited decisions for clients, and therapists cannot actually make legally binding decisions for clients. Conversely, if the court orders family therapy to address co-parenting that could be coded under family therapy (CPT) and adjustment disorder (example diagnosis; other diagnoses may apply as well) generally those clients can use their insurance to get reimbursed. That doesn’t automatically mean therapy versus PC is the best choice for a family with co-parenting concerns. For some families they really need the PC component of the PC being able to make a binding decision when they can’t come to agreement, so then therapy doesn’t cut it since a therapist doesn’t have that dictate.

Custody evaluations are not used primarily to determine the presence or absence of a psychological disorder. They are used to determine parenting abilities and best interests of the child with regard to custody. Thus they are not medically necessary.

Why is it then, you may wonder, do clients or attorneys sometimes hear from a therapist or evaluator that clients cannot use their insurance at all for any service court-ordered? Well, great question. In my opinion they are being overly conservative and saying: court order = not medically necessary. But remember, it is not the referral source (such as court order) that determines whether something is medically necessary, but rather the person’s functioning, and it’s pretty clear most people court-ordered into therapy legitimately need services, and the same with the psychological evaluations ordered.

One caveat with psychological evaluations: sometimes people evaluated do not meet criteria for any disorder. In which case there is a CPT code to turn in to insurance, but no diagnostic code. In that instance the insurance company may not reimburse for the evaluation. But for clients providing an evaluation for the court that may be exactly the outcome one party is hoping for, i.e., an evaluation to shows they do not have a mental health diagnosis. And if a client does meet criteria for a mental health diagnosis, not all diagnoses are detrimental to functioning as related to the legal questions at hand.

Keep in mind this information is not a guarantee that insurance will cover a court-ordered service turned in for reimbursement by a client. Of course the various insurance companies have the final say on a claim-by-claim basis what they cover. But the brief, positive take away is: Clients should definitely turn in their court-ordered mental health services for insurance reimbursement. There is a good chance they will be covered and reimbursed just like any other service would be.

Marital Counseling Makes Cents….

Words of Wisdom from a Divorce Attorney

Written by Tre’ Morgan

A common refrain that I hear from clients and social acquaintances is that they would have liked to try marital counseling before their separation or divorce, but they just could not afford it.

With the scope of health insurance coverage narrowing and the increased number of people without health insurance due to job losses, there is a very real financial barrier to marital counseling for many people. But, aside from the obvious potential benefit of preserving the marriage and an intact family, there are financial reasons that marital counseling makes sense.

Most people do not consider is the cost of the alternative to marital counseling …divorce. Obviously, marital counseling will not save every marriage and not every couple that might benefit from marital counseling will end up divorced. But, when people are evaluating their financial ability to obtain counseling, the cost of a potential divorce should be considered. Using rough numbers, one session of marital counseling may cost a couple $150 per week. Over 50 weeks, that adds up to $7,500. And let’s assume that all of that expense is out of pocket and not covered by insurance. That sounds like a lot of money, and it is for most of us.

But, let’s compare that to the cost of a divorce. $7,500 would be a fairly low amount for what one of these folks would spend on one attorney to resolve the issues involved in a divorce. Now, multiply that by two because each person will need an attorney. Add in the cost of therapy for each party to deal with the trauma of a divorce, therapy for the children to help them process the divorce, potential expert financial professionals and the miscellaneous expenses of litigation and divorce.

Also, add in the 25% to 50% increase in the cost of living to support separate households and potential lost productivity at work due to the distraction of a divorce. In the end, the financial toll can be in the tens, if not hundreds, of thousands.

Ironically, many people who claim that they could not afford marital counseling somehow find the money to pay for a divorce. Some people are more comfortable asking their family for money to pay for a divorce than asking their family for money to pay for marriage counseling. I suspect that family members would be happier about contributing money for counseling than divorce.

The point is that when compared to divorce, the cost of trying to save a marriage is minimal. Given the potential benefits that can be reaped from marital counseling, it is an investment that should be considered before incurring the costs of a divorce.

For more articles by Tre’ visit https://www.tremorgan.com/

One of the hardest parts of getting divorced is how it affects the children. Parents are often asking how to help their children through the process. Here are some commonly asked questions and ways to respond honesty without placing the children in the middle.

Why are you getting divorced? – Kids only want to know vague reasons so keep it simple and focused on their fears or concerns. “When we got married we thought we would want to always be together, and one of the best things about being married was that we had you. We are so happy we have you! But now your mom/dad and I have decided that we are not happy living together and should live apart. We both love you very much and are doing everything we can to keep things as normal as possible for you. Are there any changes in particular you are concerned about?”

Don’t make the mistake of thinking teenagers need much more information than that. Parents sometimes get drawn in by teens’ questions and talk to them as if they were adults, telling them many more details than they would a pre-teen child. But developmentally, teens still have minimal understanding of intimate relationships, and no understanding of the complexities of a long term marriage. Empathize with their curiosity but keep the boundary of your adult marital relationship private. You can also ask why they want to know, and then address their concern, for example, a teen might wonder if fights over his/her acting out caused the divorce, or how they will know as an adult if their marriage will last.

Who wanted/asked for the divorce? – When there is one parent who does not want the divorce, this can be a difficult question for that parent to feel comfortable answering because they want to let their child know they did not make a choice to end the marriage, and they don’t want to lie and say it was a joint decision when it wasn’t. There are some important things to keep in mind as you navigate this question.

First, it is not good for children to like one parent and dislike the other. You may think you are the “good guy” in this scenario, but that can be short-lived. If you throw the other parent under the bus as the one who broke up the family, that parent will only be able to tolerate that for so long before they start to defend their decision and say, “Well, your mom/dad did x-y-z horrible things that drove me to ask for a divorce.” This results in the child’s emotions yo-yoing between being angry at each parent. Happy, healthy, well-adjusted children feel close to both parents and have a good relationship with both parents. A better option is to say, “We don’t think it is good for you to get caught up in the details of our problems. There is no good guy or bad guy here. We love you.”

Second, if it is important to you to let your child know that you did not end the marriage because you want to convey certain values you hold, consider doing it at a more developmentally appropriate time when the child is older, such as in college. Likewise if it is important to you to convey that one does not need to stay in an unhappy marriage and can start over. Whenever you do it, do not demonize the other parent. Say, “Your mom/dad and I had a difference of opinion as to whether we should divorce. My belief was we should continue to work on the marriage, and that marriage is forever. Your mom/dad’s belief was that there can come a point in marriage when if things aren’t working it’s better to divorce than remain in an unhappy relationship.” In presenting these as two opposing points of view you are able to express your values without demonizing the other parent.

Will I get to decide where I live? – or – Will I have to choose where I stay? – or – Who will I spend the holidays with? “We definitely want to hear your thoughts and feelings as we make this decision. Ultimately it is mom and dad who make this decision, but we want to hear from you before we do. Are there any specific concerns you have, or ideas you have?” Realize this is a difficult topic for many children to discuss, and they may be inclined to hide their real thoughts or concerns from their parents as they don’t want to be seen as taking sides. It may be helpful to have the children visit a child psychologist who acts as a child specialist in divorce and is experienced in interviewing children and eliciting their true thoughts and feelings.

Why is my mom/dad so stupid, or such a jerk? – Think about what you would say to your kid if they came home and said that about another kid at school. “What happened that makes you say that?” Listen and then follow up with validation of their frustration as well as “Remember that it’s not nice to call people names. You can say what you think or feel but you are not allowed to name call.”

Why didn’t dad/mom show up? –This is not your chance to get into their irresponsibility, etc. Reflect their pain and confusion and have a back-up plan for something fun if this is a pattern. “I’m not sure what happened but I know this makes you feel sad/angry/and/or disappointed. Would you like to go do ……?”

Why are we living in an apartment, eating beans and rice, taking the bus? Do not tell your child that the other parent is not paying child support. “Well, money is tight right now so we have to make some changes for a while.”

Why are we meeting in McDonalds, at school, at Target instead of one of our homes? Again, this is not an opportunity to talk about the conflict between parents. If the following is true, say, “It’s easier and faster for me and mom/dad if we meet here. Does it bother you?” If the answer is yes, what bothers them about it and can that be worked with? If that is clearly a lie and it is not faster or convenient, say, “Mom/Dad and I have decided meeting at this location helps exchanges go smoothly. Did you know lots of divorced families do the same thing?” And check in to see if it bothers the child.

Why don’t I get to see mom/dad? – This can vary based on the situation. Is there a mental health or substance abuse problem? If so, “Mom/Dad is having some problems right now so they need time to deal with that before they see you again.” Only say this if it’s true. Do not make promises that they are going to see someone again, if they are not. Telling them their parent is sick can be very scary and younger kids might assume they will die or worry that they (child) will become sick, too. If there has been abuse, then address it. “Mom/dad isn’t allowed to spend time with you because they hurt you/me and this is meant to keep us safe. I know you probably miss mom/dad so would you like to talk about that?”

Really stumped by a question? When in doubt, ask your child open ended questions about what they are thinking and feeling. This can help you recognize what they are really concerns about, and inform how you want to respond to them.

So you’ve been married for many years, maybe you’ve had children, one or both of you work full-time, life is busy, schedules are hectic…where in the world do you find time for romantic sex? Maybe one of you is ready and willing to have sex at the drop of a hat but the other of you has become resistant to sexual intimacy and possibly even resents sexual advances. Maybe one of you thinks sex is a human need and insists on having sex or being sexual even though your partner is not interested. Maybe one of you sees sex as an obligation and puts up with it even though it’s not enjoyable. All of these are unwelcome but fairly common conditions in many long-term relationships and marriages. If your long-term marriage or relationship suffers from a lack of sexual intimacy right now, it doesn’t have to stay that way!

Having a great sex life over the long-term is certainly not a given. Like other aspects of a working and satisfying relationship, a happy and fulfilling sex life usually requires two ingredients: interest and a willingness to take care of this aspect of your relationship. If you’re avoiding sex and becoming tense just at the thought of working on your sex life, you’re probably wondering: how am I going to work on my sex life when I’m not even interested in sex? Here’s a suggestion if this is the case: rather than focusing directly on improving your sexual relationship, your energy might be better off focused on the overall quality of your relationship. When both members of a couple value a healthy and satisfying partnership, the sexual aspect of the relationship comes into perspective. The intimate connection two people have in a committed, long-term relationship fosters a happy sex life when it’s good and hinders it when it’s not so good. That much is fairly obvious, but what’s less obvious is the importance of sexual intimacy in creating a healthy and satisfying relationship. Especially when one person does not feel the need or desire to nurture this aspect of the relationship, the sexual nature of the connection gets lost and a good sex life doesn’t seem that important. So here’s a reminder: no matter whether you’ve been married 20 months or 20 years, sexual intimacy is an important aspect of a healthy and satisfying partnership.

If your long-term marriage or relationship suffers from a lack of passion and sexual intimacy, you and your mate are likely experiencing a less-than satisfying partnership. When this is the case, it may or may not be related to other issues in the relationship; but if there are other issues hindering your interest in sex and these issues are not being addressed, both members of the couple miss out on the opportunity for a great relationship. The overall quality of the relationship affects sexual intimacy and sexual intimacy affects the quality of the relationship.

The first step, then, in addressing this is determining whether you are actually interested in cultivating a better connection with one another as well as having a better sex life. When you are clear that you value these, moving forward in your efforts to take care of this aspect of your relationship becomes easier. Arranging to work with a couples therapist can be a great way to start the process because it gives you the opportunity to dedicate time each week to working on the relationship. Without that structure it is very easy to let time pass and continue with the status quo. If couples therapy is not an option, there are other venues to pursue such as services offered through churches or books that guide you in your thinking and actions you can take to move forward and enjoy yourself and your life partner.

For more specific advice on bringing more sex into your relationship, read 7 Ways To Get More Sex.

In high-conflict divorce it can be difficult for parents to make joint decisions regarding their children. When parents seem more invested in winning the conflict than in finding resolution for the sake of the child, it’s time to consider a Parenting Coordinator (PC). The PC is appointed by a judge who believes that a trained professional is needed to minimize conflict in a particular case. This helps protect the child and keep courtrooms clear of parental battles. It also means that attorneys do not have to participate in hostile disputes over parenting conflicts, and can focus on their job while letting the PC handle the tasks involved in helping the clients make certain decisions. The role of the PC is to identify disputed issues, reduce misunderstandings, clarify priorities, and help the parents develop skills around communication, negotiation, and compromise. If the parents are unable to come to an agreement about an issue then the PC has the legal authority to make the decision for them. The court document appointing the PC makes it clear to all parties in what areas the PC is allowed to make decisions. PCs must comply with the court’s decision about custody, visitation, and guardianship, and they may not make financial decisions. PCs are licensed mental health professionals and attorneys with at least a master’s degree and several years of post-degree experience in their fields, have undergone PC training (which involves education about pertinent legal and psychological components of high-conflict divorce), and are involved in ongoing PC education and peer supervision.

Though the PC role was created back in the early ‘90s, many but not all states, and many but not all NC counties, make use of PCs. Why? There are some understandable concerns involved with appointing a stranger to function as an arm of the judge. First – why would a stranger be better able to make decisions for the child than the parents? PCs are appointed only when the level of conflict is so high that decisions are not getting made and the child is suffering. It is reasonable to think that a third party with some expertise in the area of child development, negotiation, and decision-making, whose only investment is to decrease hostility and do what is best for the child, will be a competent arbiter if they end up having to make the decision. While parents may sometimes be concerned about loss of control, using a PC effectively can actually help parents have more control. A PC is brought in when the situation is already out of control. They work with the parents to identify problems, communicate about them in healthy and effective ways that decrease hostility, and problem-solve. Parents who are using PCs effectively will learn skills so that they can work problems out together in the future, without the help of a PC. Or, if one or both parties don’t learn these skills, they have the PC who can make a decision and bring resolution to topics. Sometimes parents are worried that using a PC will be inconvenient and that they will have to have regular meetings with their ex-spouse. In reality, PCs are able to do the work mostly over the phone and email on an as-needed basis, so actually PCs make the process far more convenient than arguing with each other ad nauseam or going to court to have the judge make a ruling. This brings us to another concern that sometimes prevents courts from utilizing PCs – cost. Parents pay for PCs and it is not reimbursed by insurance. However, the cost of a PC still is far less than the cost of engaging attorneys to battle over the minutia of daily parenting, or going to court when you factor in attorney fees, legal fees, and time taken off work.

The benefits of using a PC are significant. First of all, it keeps the child in focus and not only gets big and small decisions made for the child to keep their life keep running as smoothly as possible, but also helps create an emotionally healthy family environment for the child. Far too often in high-conflict divorces the child gets caught in the middle. Low parental conflict is one of the primary determinants of a positive outcome for a child, meaning it contributes to the likelihood that the divorce will not be a damaging factor in their mental and emotional development. Decreasing hostility improves the parents’ lives too. Feeling provoked, dreading interactions, anticipating angrily or with fear – all these contribute negatively to a person’s mental and physical health and interfere with people being the parent they want to be. In addition to teaching communication and negotiation skills, the PC acts as a buffer so parents don’t antagonize each other as much and can more easily get to a place where they start to feel peace in their lives.

In fact, “peaceful” is one of the most-used words we hear our PC clients use to describe life after having an effective PC in place. It’s not all rosy all the time after a PC, but the landscape changes significantly from daily or weekly negative interactions between parties, to a primary state of calm. This comes about by having a trained professional  – the PC – who keeps the child in focus while having everyone’s best interests in mind, teaches co-parenting skills, and is able to make neutral decisions if needed.

It is a challenge understanding every aspect of one’s own culture and background, let alone someone else’s. Yet it behooves couples to understand how each other’s upbringing has shaped their lifestyle, worldview, and decision-making. While it is more obvious that partners from different cultures have cross-cultural differences, even with couples of the same culture there is no assumption that their internalized cultural systems are the same, since one’s culture includes the total of the inherited ideas, beliefs, values, and knowledge of one’s environment. Thus, far beyond country, which people often think of when identifying a person’s culture, our internalized cultural systems are influenced by region, socioeconomic status, race, religion, education, work, and even our own parents internalized systems. Additionally, with the internet and mass media, cultural influence is no longer limited by distance and cultural boundaries are hazy, permeable, and complex. Through discussion and reflection, couples can be become mindful of all aspects of the world they grew up in, the systems that influenced them, and how they bring that into their relationships. The following exercise can help couples be more mindful of all the ways their cultural systems influence their relationship:

There are several cultural systems that influence all of us: geographic location, socioeconomic status, religious/spiritual influences, family (ancestral influences, current family dynamics), media, educational opportunities, and historical/current events/politics.

For each of the cultural systems (geographic location, SES, etc.), ask yourself these five questions about each area and then have a discussion with your partner:

• What do I believe about myself?
• What do I believe about others?
• How is my behavior influenced by this?
• What judgments do I have about myself and others?
• How does this particular cultural system influence my relationship?

For example, what do I believe about myself based on the type of media I’ve been exposed to? Perhaps you realize you are heavily influenced by the standards of beauty represented in magazines and that your confidence is closely tied to physical appearance. Now how do you think that could be influencing your relationship?

Some of these may be tough to answer, especially because you may learn something about yourself you never knew. But that doesn’t have to be a negative experience. Self-awareness is healthy, even if it may be painful. You can even have fun with this exercise and make it into a game with your partner and reward each other for the new things you learn.

Over the past few years, we’ve noticed an influx of people coming for therapy or evaluations that have undergone recent immigration experiences. Most are recent refugees forced to flee their homes, lives and loved ones due to overt persecution. Some have chosen to come to the States in order to work towards an improvement in life quality. There are significant challenges that many of these people face, and our being sensitive to these challenges can help foster a more supportive, transformational relationship during such a critical time in their lives. These sensitivities can be shared by therapists, evaluators, attorneys, medical professionals, and others looking to assist recent immigrants. What follows are ways in which I prepare for meeting with immigrant clients in order to best serve them. We generally see a lot of clients looking for an evaluation that supports their asylum or residence status, the most common example being someone who has come to the states seeking asylum due to persecution in their home country. An evaluation of their trauma symptoms and diagnosis, and resultantly the anticipated effects should they be denied asylum, can be of great benefit to the court in understanding the complexities of the case.

Probably the most important factor in working with this population is to strive towards what I call “cultural humility,” or the sense that this person’s heritage informs their experience (and experience of me) in a way that I can’t really understand without hearing from them. This involves acknowledging that their experiences of our society and our interactions are grounded in assumptions that I likely don’t fully grasp. My intention then is to humbly acknowledge this lack of understanding, and attempt to get a sense of these assumptions through them. My hope is to be informed enough about their culture prior to the first meeting to ask the proper questions of them to get an understanding of what it might be like for them to sit with me. By exploring their assumptions about helping relationships, gender roles, vulnerability, etc., I’m more able to accurately assess where they are. This also allows me to see them as an individual rather than a stereotyped personification of their culture of origin.

Another salient issue, especially with recent refugees or those who have witnessed heinous traumas, is the effect the trauma can have in their telling of their story. Many people have come into my office too flooded with emotion to share the violence they’ve witnessed, instead deferring to loved ones or translators. My approach in these cases is to ground them in the present moment, either by having them explore their environment (i.e., “find me 3 blue things in this room”) or their breath. The best breathing technique I’ve found is the 3-6-9 breathing space in which I ask them to slowly count to 18 while inhaling for the first 3 counts, holding the air in their lungs for a count of 6, and using the final 9 counts to slowly exhale. This regulates the nervous system while giving them something to gently focus on (the counting).

I also like to encourage clients to maintain as much contact as is possible with their country of origin. There can be a tendency to want to create an artificial boundary between life here and the one they left behind as processing both the feelings of leaving behind a home country as well as thinking about cultivating a life here can be overwhelming. However, I often encourage people to maintain their network of support, even if those people are across an ocean.

Finally, I do my best to find resources for people. They may need help in finding a translator, food, a therapist who speaks their native language, transportation, etc. Helping people discover the resources potentially available to them will help them feel empowered in a situation in which they generally have very little power.

An immigration experience, especially one precipitated by persecution or trauma, is a jarring, life- and identity-altering experience. Being in a helping relationship with someone in such a critical and sensitive life period can be a powerful experience. To do so requires sensitivity, humility, and a heightened empathy towards the specific situation of the individual. This ideally fosters an environment in which I can readily and quickly provide information which will be helpful to the court.

Cooperative Parenting and Divorce:
Part I: Why and How to Keep the Child in Focus

Nobody gets married thinking they’re going to divorce even though the statistics are fairly well-known: in the United States forty percent of all first marriages, sixty percent of all second marriages, and seventy-three percent of all third marriages end in divorce. Half of all children living in the U.S. will experience their parents’ divorce; half of those will witness a second one. Studies on children of divorce show that they tend to have lower grades and a higher school dropout rate than children whose parents are still together, they struggle more with peer relationships, are much more likely to need psychological and substance abuse services, and as adults are almost twice as likely to attempt suicide. It is important to note that the divorce itself is not the sole contributor to these statistics, and rather it has been found it is high conflict co-parenting and loss of attachment to a parent as a result of divorce that causes these grim statistics.

If you have chosen to divorce it’s normal to feel anxiety, guilt, and sadness as a part of your parental grief process. Your children will be grieving too, and arming yourself with some information to guide your decisions in this process is critical. The information in this article is intended to help you improve the possibility of positive outcomes for your child if you have decided that divorce is what you need to do.

Knowing some basic concepts about children and divorce can help you navigate this time in your life during which you might feel like you have to figure out how to do everything differently. There are a few factors that contribute to how well a child fares after a divorce. The best predictor for long term injury to a child in divorce is the intensity and length of hostility between the parents. Fortunately, this is the one variable you can control – with cooperative parenting skills.

First we must understand why parental conflict is so destructive to a child’s foundation. They see us as their protectors who have total control. If we are out of control during conflict and unable to do our job of protecting them, the child will feel overly vulnerable and alone. This is frightening for a child, for as much as they want to prove their independence they understand they can’t actually fend for themselves and they need their parents to survive. A deep fear of abandonment will likely be heightened when parental conflict includes putting down the other parent in front of the child. Children see themselves as half of each parent, so when one parent vilifies the other, the child can feel vilified as well. If they hear the message that the other parent is not worthy of love or respect, they will fear that they themselves aren’t either. This can be especially damaging if the vilified parent is the one they identify with the most (usually the same-sex parent but not always). Anything that threatens their relationship with the two people whose job it is to protect and provide for them weakens their foundation and chance to build a strong self-concept and self-esteem. Additionally, children learn the skills modeled for them at home so as much as possible you want to model healthy and effective communication skills with their other parent.

Cooperative parenting during and after divorce can be challenging. You’re dealing with a lot of changes within your own relationship to your child’s other parent, there may be changes to some of the relationships with friends and family, you’re trying to forge a new life for yourself… all while striving to maintain a stable and happy environment for your child. Since you love your child and want to make decisions that give them the best chance for a healthy experience with your divorce, this guiding question can be a good start to helping you decide what to do at any given point: Is this choice I’m making right now keeping my child in focus (i.e. aimed at creating stability for them, modeling skills I want them to develop, decreasing the hostility between me and their other parent, and increasing healthy relationships with both of us?). So whether that choice is to yell at the other parent or stay calm, speak poorly or well of them to your child, or agree to change next week’s schedule or not, take a pause and a breath and ask yourself that question before taking action.