Archive for: Articles and Podcasts

ASK THE EXPERT
Children Left Alone
By: Lepage Associates’ Staff Psychologist

Q: “What is an appropriate age to leave your child home alone, and how long should you start initially leaving them alone?”

A: Most states do not have regulations or laws about when a child is considered old enough to care for him/herself or to care for other children. Currently, the few states that do have guidelines or recommendations state anywhere from age 8 to age 12 as appropriate. According to Child Protective Services (CPS) of Wake County, there is no written guideline as to what age is appropriate for a child to be left at home in North Carolina. CPS did state that due to fire regulations, a child under the age of 8 is not to be left alone in a dwelling.

However, the decision is generally left to parents to make on an individual basis. Parents are reminded to consider the following before leaving a child alone:

• How mature is this child?
• How long will the child be left alone?
• What does the child have access to in the home that might be dangerous?
• Does the child know what to do in case of an emergency?

If you feel comfortable leaving your child alone after answering the questions above, it is typically best to start with a short period of time, such as an hour, and increase the time from there as you feel comfortable. Make sure children always have a list of phone numbers to call in case of an emergency.

 

ASK THE EXPERT SERIES
By: Lepage Associates’ Staff Psychologist “What is an appropriate age to leave your child home alone, and how long should you start initially leaving them alone?”

Click here to download the article as a PDF

“I have school age children. How can I make time again for me and find my own identity when I have to often play both roles of mother and father as a single parent? Can you give me some suggestions before I pull ALL of my hair out?”

Click here to download the article as a PDF

“How do I check on my teens’ activities on-line without making them feel like I don’t trust them or have invaded their privacy?”

Click here to download the article as a PDF

Are there dangers of Internet pornography use by adults? Should adults be concerned about their own use of Internet pornography, or even of sexual “relationships” with other adults in chat rooms? For example, I have little time to get out of the house with raising a child by myself and find myself being lured by all the chat rooms for companionship. Do you think developing friendships that could even be considered sexual “relationships” with other adults in chat rooms could be ok?”

Click here to download the article as a PDF

 

Get an A+ in “Back to School” Preparation
By: Lepage Associates’ Staff PsychologistThe summer is just about over. No more going to bed late, sleeping in every morning, or playing outside until dark. Now the routine has to change. These new experiences can bring on stress or cause children to resist necessary adjustments. Parents also often find the transition to a new school year stressful as they have more responsibilities, less time, and may be struggling with things in their own lives. Smooth transitions can be accomplished if the adults who care for children try to view the situation from the child’s perspective. Here are some tips on what you can do to make going back to school a pleasurable experience.

Prepare in advance

Young children always feel more comfortable if they know what to expect. Before the new school year begins, family members can explain to children how their daily routines will change. Describe what the morning routines will be in age-appropriate terms. Some children may enjoy creating a pictorial chart to include each step of the morning schedule.

Try getting up earlier a week before the new school year begins and explain why you’re doing it. This may prevent your child from being confused, groggy, cranky, or refusing to get out of bed on the first day of school.

Discuss how the school or child care environment will be different from the previous year. Many schools and child care professionals invite families to visit the classroom and new teacher before the school year begins. If possible, take advantage of these opportunities to allow the child to meet the teacher or caregiver, find his classroom, the bathroom, and the playground.

Try to be clear about the things that are changing by answering any questions children have such as: When will we eat? Where is the bathroom? How will I get home? Will I see my old friends again?

Involve children in preparing for school. For example, they can lay out their clothes, pack a back pack, or select a favorite toy or photo to take with them to the program. Letting them bring familiar objects from home is important, too.

Arrange play-dates with friends from school to re-establish connections that may have been dropped for the summer, or to create new ones.

Read to your child

Reading books with children is a great way to introduce any experience. They can see how other children beginning school or a new program have the same feelings of uncertainty and how they overcome them. Here are some book suggestions for younger children to help ease the transition:

· Berenstain, Stan and Jan. The Berenstain Bears Go to School. Random House, 1978

· Bridwell, Norman. Clifford’s First School Day. Scholastic,1999

· Haywood, Carolyn. Back to School with Betsy. Odyssey Classics, reissue edition, 2004

· Jackson, Ellen. It’s Back to School We Go! Millbrook Press, 2003

· Parish, Herman. Amelia Bedelia Goes Back to School. Harper Festival, 2004

· Rey, Margret. Curious George Goes to School. Houghton Mifflin, 1989

For the middle school child anxious about making the transition to high school, here is a book to help with easing the anxiety:

· Spethman, Martin J. and Klein, Chuck. High School Bound: The Ultimate Guide for High School Success and Survival. Westgate Publishing & Entertainment, 1997

Talk about feelings

Encourage children to describe how they feel about the new year; and try to ease any fears they may have.

If your child is anxious about starting the next grade, reassure her that other children have these feelings too.

Put a positive spin on going back to school. Talk about the fun things your child will be learning, the old friends he’ll see and the new friends he’ll make.

Parents may also feel sad or fearful about their children going off to kindergarten or back to school after a summer together. Even if you are feeling this way on the inside, exude confidence and good feelings when saying good-bye.

Expect an occasional meltdown. Beginning something new can be stressful and adjustment takes a lot of concentration and effort. Child care professionals, teachers, and families should expect–and be prepared to handle–a few tears and other emotional displays from young children.

Be there

If possible, arrive at the new school or program early on the first few days to help the child settle in. The teacher or caregiver may also be available to talk one-on-one with your child before the day’s learning begins.

It is also important to arrange for predictable pick-up schedules. Children need to feel confident from the beginning that they can count on a loved one to come back and to come when they said they would. Use the commute to ease the transition between school and home.

How adults handle transitional situations can set the stage for how well a child adjusts to other challenges in life. Those who love and care for children can help them adapt by making preparations in advance, clearly explaining the changes about to take place, and listening if doubts or fears develop.

Let teachers and guidance counselors know what’s going on.

If your child has recently undergone a stressful change such as divorcing/separating parents, share this information with his/her teacher and school counselor. You don’t have to go into great detail, but a simple statement like, “Johnny’s father and I separated over the summer, and he’s having a difficult time with the transition” can alert the teacher and counselor to the situation. You may want to tell the guidance counselor specific concerns you have, i.e., “Johnny has started to become much more fearful in new situations and has trouble leaving me” so that he or she can help your child during the day if a problem arises.

The school is in an excellent position to offer supportive services to children of divorce. Children spend much time in school, where the continuity and routine can offer a safe environment for interventions. Counselors, teachers, and other school personnel are available on a daily basis and can provide help during the school day.

Checklist for the first day of school:

Is your child registered? When is the first day of school? What time does school start?

What time is lunch? Can your child buy it at school, and how much will it cost? Will he or she need a snack?

Have you filled out all the health forms or emergency contact forms that have been sent home?

Have any new health problems developed in your child over the summer that will affect his school day? Does the school nurse know about this condition, or is an appointment set up to discuss it?

Does your child know where she is going after school (e.g., home, babysitter)? Does she know how he will get there? If you will not be there when she arrives, does she know who will be responsible for her, what the rules are, and how to get help in an emergency?

The following websites were helpful in writing this article and are good resources for additional information.

https://www.kidsource.com/kidsource/pages/Education.html https://www.greatschools.net https://aap.org/advocacy/archives/augschool.htm (American Academy of Pediatrics)

Click here to download this article as a PDF
Click here to return to Articles Related to Children/Teens & Parenting

Internet Predators
By: Alexandria Wise-Rankovic, M.SWondering what your teenager is doing on the computer? Years ago, in the confines of one’s own home, parents of teenagers had only the television and the family telephone to be concerned about when attempting to keep their children safe. These days, an entire world is available to your teens at the tips of their fingers through another form of technology: the Internet. In many cases, this is a good thing. Teens can complete their homework assignments using information posted on the web. Children are more worldly than ever, having the opportunity to instantly pen pal with other children in far away countries where they learn about cultural differences. While the Internet should not replace face-to-face time with one’s peers, teens also have safe opportunities to do what teens do best: chat with their friends.

At the same time, the Internet opens up equal opportunities for unwanted exposure to adults and even other teens with bad intentions, including sexual predators and pornographers. One child out of every 5 is a target for online sexual solicitation. Chat rooms are a primary location for this activity because predators can easily approach your child. Teens can sign up on websites like www.myspace.com (this website is merely mentioned as an example, numerous such websites exist) and post pictures of themselves (any pictures), enter chatrooms, post blogs, and more. Any other person can sign up on these websites, listing any age, and pretending to be anyone they want to be. Your teen can easily be approached by a sexual predator. Unknowingly your teen could have conversations with these individuals and could reveal information that could lead to a face-to-face encounter, either wanted or unwanted. Child pornographers lure children in by first exposing them to pictures of other children to lower their inhibition.

Parents need to get involved long before teens reach this point. Fortunately, parents have numerous choices about how to get involved. Here are some recommendations:

1. Research tells us that teens who engage in risky Internet relationships may have poor relationships with their parents. They may seek support from individuals on the Internet because they cannot receive that support from their family. It is never too late to rebuild a positive, supportive, and healthy relationship with your teen. Remember: quality not quantity.
2. Discuss with your teen or pre-teen the dangers that exist on the Internet. Tell him or her about strangers on the Internet in the same way you discussed not talking to strangers many years ago.
3. Establish Internet rules with your teen.
   • Tell them to never provide personal information to anyone over the Internet such as one’s address or last name.
   • Tell them to never arrange a personal meeting with someone they meet over the Internet.
   • Guide them to choose their user names and email addresses carefully to not reveal age or too much identifying information.
   • Remind them that information sent over the Internet is not always private.
   • Tell them that you will want to know who they are corresponding with so that you can help them be certain of who is on the other side of the chatroom.
4. Place limits on computer time. Think of time in front of the computer in the same way you do about television. Set limits on the total amount of computer and TV time each night. That will help to limit exposure to unwanted Internet activities as well as to encourage teens to create an engaging world away from the screen. Set a timer and stick to your decision.
5. Consider putting your computer in a public area in the home. A computer in a teen’s room provides unrestricted access and limits your ability to monitor its use.
6. Finally, keep the door of communication open to your teen. Let her or him know that s/he can tell you if they are approached by someone asking questions that are uncomfortable. Or, if your teen made a mistake and corresponded with someone she or he thought was safe but now appears unsafe, encourage your teen to come talk to you about it to work it out.

Restricting Internet use entirely is not possible due to its accessibility in schools, libraries, and coffee shops. Arming your teens with information so that they can make healthy decisions is the best weapon. Many teens, who know what to be aware of, will make appropriate choices. However, if you suspect that your teen is caught in a risky Internet situation, act on it now. Report criminal activity to the authorities. Some parents have made the decision to eliminate Internet use entirely from their homes. Others have chosen to purchase wireless cards for their computers that they hand out for limited periods of time for teens to do homework. Parents can also review the websites that teens have visited or even restrict certain websites. Not computer savvy? Visit a local computer store to learn more ways to set healthy limits on Internet use.

 

Social Skills & Making Friends: How Parents Can Help

As the school year quickly approaches, some children may be nervous about making friends at school, especially if they will be starting a new school. The following tips can help your child feel more comfortable and confident in making friends.

1. Help your child practice introducing themselves to someone they would like to get to know better. Make sure to include important aspects of introductions like appropriate personal space, making eye contact, and smiling.
2. Once your child has mastered his or her introduction, move on to chit chat topics. Help your child brainstorm appropriate chit chat topics that can help start a conversation. Some examples include favorite television shows or activities your child likes to do with other children. Role play with your child, taking turns starting conversations until your child is able to start a conversation comfortably.
3. Another helpful skill to learn when making friends is identifying emotions through facial expressions and body language. This is important because it helps us accurately determine how to approach and talk to others. Let your child know that it is equally important to accurately portray how he or she is feeling so others know how to approach and talk to him or her as well. You can practice identifying emotions (make sure to include happy, mad, sad, and scared) with your child by asking him or her to guess how you or other family members are feeling based on facial expressions. Another great way to help your child become more aware of facial expressions is to stand with your child in front of a mirror and practice making various facial expressions with him or her. Help your child “perfect” his or her facial expressions and encourage your child to give you feedback on your facial expressions.

 

Click here to download this article as a PDF

Click here to return to Articles Related to Children/Teens & Parenting

Back to School Strategies 
for Better Success

The summer is just about over, and thus the school routine is about to start. Smooth transitions can be accomplished; below are some tips on what you can do to make going back to school a pleasurable experience. Also, success at school is vital to a child’s self-esteem and sense of self; below are some strategies to help your child succeed at school.

Transitioning:
1. Prepare in advance. Help your child know what to expect and if there will be any changes to anticipate.

2. Talk about feelings. Encourage your children to talk about their feelings and help them put a positive spin on going back to school.

3. Develop a checklist to help get you and your child ready for school.

4. Be there. Be involved with dropping off and picking up from school, especially the first couple of days.

5. Let teachers and counselors know what’s going on. If there have been any significant changes or stressors, the school can be an excellent support system.

6. For children starting school, or a new school or new program: Read books about school to your child. Reading books with children is a great way to introduce any experience. They can see how other children beginning school or a new program have the same feelings of uncertainty and how they overcome them.

Succeeding at Homework:
1. Buy a planner or calendar and write down all assignments.

2. Avoid procrastination by developing a few short goals instead of a large one. For example, finish two pages of a paper per day, not 10 pages by the day before it is due.

3. Complete homework in advance, not the day it is due, to allow for questions and more free time.

4.  Have homework reviewed by a peer, parent, or teacher before turning it in.

5. If there are questions about the assignment, ask the teacher to prevent careless mistakes.

6. Avoid the television or turn it off if it is impossible to be in a different room.

7. Don’t work on a bed, or anywhere you take naps, to prevent falling asleep.

8. Eat beforehand or bring a small snack to limit yourself to until work is done.

9. Have proper lighting to keep you awake and motivated.

10. Avoid heavily trafficked areas to stay on task and not converse with friends.

11. Work when you are most active (mornings or late nights).

12. Reward yourself with short 5-10 minute breaks when working on longer projects.

Succeeding with Others:
1. Interact with your teacher, show they that you are interested and that you care.

2. In larger classrooms, introduce yourself to the teacher to become more comfortable with asking them for help.

3. Ask questions and if you don’t understand something, don’t be afraid to get more details.

4. Talk to students in the class who share an interest in learning the material and work together.

5. Organize study groups with friends to help further your knowledge.

6. Most importantly, celebrate success on an exam with friends to encourage you to do the same thing next time.

 

Click here to download this article as a PDF

Click here to return to Therapy & Treatment Articles

Relationship Success: 3 Quick Tips to Improve Your Relationship

Valentine’s Day serves as an annual reminder to show your partner you care or, at the very least, to let them know you are aware you still have a partner. But showing your partner how much you care should involve more than a box of chocolate once a year. Here are three quick tips to show your appreciation and improve your relationship every day of the year (and none of them involve hearts or bows).

1. Catch your partner doing something right.

It’s easy to get caught up in being critical of what your partner says or does. But if you find yourself only saying negative or critical comments to you partner, your partner may feel as if nothing they do is ever good, which can affect their self-esteem or damage the closeness in your relationship. Although it is much harder to recognize and acknowledge what your partner is doing that you actually like, doing so rewards your partner and teaches them more about your preferences. Research by Gottman has found that couples in happy marriages make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship as negative ones. Point out at least one thing a day your partner has done that has led you to feel cared about, helped, or understood.

2. Let yourself be influenced by your partner.

There’s an old saying: Nothing is as dangerous as an idea when it is the only one you have. Some couples spend an enormous amount of energy trying to convince each other their point of view is “right” and their partner’s point of view is “wrong.” When both partners approach a conversation this way, nothing gets accomplished except damaging the closeness in the relationship. By consistently engaging in this pattern, you are essentially choosing being “right” over satisfaction and happiness in your relationship. The next time you find yourself trying to convince your partner your way is the only way, take a step back and allow yourself to hear and consider your partner’s point of view.

3. Raise your partner’s priority on your to-do list.

As you allow your schedule to become more and more packed, something has to give and that something typically is time alone with your partner. Try to designate alone time as a couple every week. By setting aside time for just the two of you every week, you are sending the message that your partner is important to you, and are allowing time for maintaining emotional connection. By minimizing distractions (e.g., turning off the television, putting your cell phone on silent), you are letting your partner know you value the time you have together.

 

Click here to download this article as a PDF

Click here to return to Couples & Marriage Articles and Podcasts

Financial Health Advice From a Leading Expert A conversation with Haleh Moddasser of Stearns Financial Services Group In a nutshell, what are people doing right and what are people doing wrong when it comes to their financial health? Interestingly, the answer is the same to both questions – and that is “worrying”. People worry about money. They worry about paying for college, upsizing, downsizing, retiring, and a myriad of other unknown financial events such as a job loss or a leaky roof. This type of worry is a good thing when it causes people to take positive actions such as carefully planning their expenditures, saving for retirement and investing wisely. It is bad, however, when it causes otherwise healthy people to lose sleep at night. There is a fine line between enjoying today and saving for tomorrow – most people have a hard time finding that line. Depression has long been referred to as the “common cold” of mental health, i.e., a lot of people will experience this at some point in their lives. What is the equivalent analogy in financial health? What has historically been thought of by financial experts as the ‘common cold’ of financial health? The most prevalent “illness” we see are people becoming overly influenced by the daily barrage of negative media, something we often refer to as “newsfluenza”. Unfortunately, our 24/7 media continually feeds us “newsworthy” bites of information that impact the markets in the short term, but have little relevance in the long term. This type of media hype can often lead to emotional decision making that can destroy a long history of prudent saving and investing. Often, investors will sell investments at the bottom of the market, or buy at the top, simply because they become either fearful or greedy. This type of irrational decision making, often referred to in the industry as “behavioral finance”, accounts for at least 60% of the losses most people incur in their investment portfolios. What steps can people take to prevent that; and which steps can they do themselves versus which are best done with help from a professional? The key is to adopt an investment approach that includes a diversified, well balanced portfolio of high quality securities, and to stick to it. This can be accomplished in many company retirement plans or by independently using a good mix of mutual funds. For busy professionals, or those who would rather not spend their time continually monitoring their investments, it is often best to use a professional. As an objective third party, a professional can more easily avoid “behavioral finance” mistakes. Additionally, because professional investment advisors are focused on the fundamental values of the companies issuing stocks and bonds, they are better equipped to make wise buying and selling decisions. It’s funny because as I ask this question, I realize I’m not so sure depression is winning that unpopular race anymore. In my clinical experience I’d have to say that anxiety is perhaps pulling ahead. In our modern society with the plethora of stresses, many of which are financial by the way, I think experiencing anxiety may now be the ‘common cold’ of American mental health. Have you found anxiety impacting people’s financial decisions – budgeting, saving, spending, etc. – more so over the past 10 years than previously? We see many people who begin to question their ability to achieve their financial goals, especially given the barrage of negative news in the media. Everything from the crisis in the Middle East, to the looming “fiscal cliff” to the inability of congress to work together in a bipartisan way can create feelings of extreme anxiety. Often, people feel insecure about their careers as a result of the changing world around them. In our experience, the very best anecdote to this type of anxiety is a good financial plan, with multiple scenarios that include both “upside” and “downside” scenarios . If we can get people comfortable with their financial future, even in a “downside” scenario by saving enough, investing wisely, living within their means and taking the steps necessary to protect their earnings power, then they often feel a great sense of relief. Do people with wealth to invest do so, or do people avoid this task? Often, people are not as conscious about investing as they could be. Sometimes we see people with large amounts of cash sitting in checking or savings accounts, earning little to no interest. Often these folks are simply extremely busy with their careers and have little time to manage their assets. It’s important to know that putting your money to work for you, as early as possible, can have a tremendous positive impact on your overall wealth. For example, a person aged 35 who saves 10% of their $50,000 salary per year into a 401k, will have over $900,000 at age 65. A full two thirds of this amount, $600,000, is due to compound earnings, while only $300,000 equals contributions (includes 3% company match). Pre-tax vehicles such as 401k and IRA accounts further leverage compound earnings, because assets are earning on higher pre-tax savings. It’s December and people are thinking ahead to how to make 2013 better. What are some important behavior changes a person could begin or one thing they could do to begin improving their financial health? As important as a good investment strategy is, there is no substitute for savings. A solid financial plan will help you determine if your savings will ultimately meet your needs in retirement and will answer questions such as “when can I retire?”, “can I afford a bigger home?” or “can I start my own business?”. A plan such as this is, perhaps, the best investment you can make, because it informs every other major life decision.

Click here to download this article as a PDF Click here to return to Self-Help Articles