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Limits, Consequences, and Follow Through For Teen Substance Use
An article written for the Herald-Sun Newspaper
by Tina Lepage, Psy.D., Linda Hammock, LPC/CAC, and Lynne Johnston, LCSW“Your teen will be offered drugs and alcohol at times throughout his or her middle school and high school years, even if your teen does not seek them out. In these situations it will be of tremendous help to your teen’s decision making if you have set clear limits, and if your teen can predict with certainty that when you set limits, you then enforce consequences when those limits are broken,” advises Dr. Tina Lepage, a licensed clinical psychologist who has worked with teens across the spectrum of alcohol and drug use. She continues, “Many parents struggle with setting appropriate limits for their teens, determining appropriate consequences when teens break the rules, and following through on enforcing consequences. Particularly given the dangers inherent in alcohol and drug use by teens, it behooves parents to prepare themselves with these skills.”

The earlier these limits are set, the easier the parent’s job will be. If firm limit setting is not your area of strength, here are three resources:

1. Positive Discipline for Teenagers: Empowering Your Teen and Yourself Through Kind and     Firm Parenting, Nelsen, J. Lott L
2. Setting Limits: How to Raise Responsible, Independent Children by Providing Clear     Boundaries, MacKenzie, R.J.
3. Parenting Your Out-of-Control Teenager: Seven Steps to Re-establish Authority and     Reclaim Love, Cells, S.P.

Also, we recommend that you seek out a therapist skilled in teen limit setting.

Linda Hammock, a licensed professional counselor and certified addictions counselor, added the following advice, “One of our most important parenting jobs now that our children are teens is to set the rules and apply consequences when they choose not to honor them. That doesn’t mean we don’t expect them to ignore our rules from time to time and test those limits. In fact, it is more likely that they will! In reality, messing up provides really important learning experiences. It forces them to be accountable by experiencing the consequences of their poor decisions and the rewards of their good decisions. It is the rules we set and whether we hold them accountable to them, which communicate our values and teach our kids how we believe they need to take care of themselves.

One of the challenges our progressive community faces is that there are no community norms around our teens’ behavior. There is no agreement as to whether kids should be using substances or not, there is no agreement as to what time is an appropriate curfew, there is no agreement about what level of supervision teens need or where they should be allowed to hang out. This forces each individual family to figure it out alone.” The boxes accompanying this article are a starting point to think about limits and consequences for supervision, substance use, curfew, and car riding.

Written contracts. Every family needs to develop their own set of expectations, rules, privileges, and consequences. It is much more effective if the six (or less) most important rules are written in the form of a contract with everyone’s signature.

Linda Hammock comments, “I consistently recommend that parents choose Zero Tolerance for substance use as their number 1 rule“. However, the parents choose the rules, the teen and parents negotiate the consequences and privileges that are most meaningful and motivating to them. Written contracts that clearly state the rules, the consequences and the rewards up front are helpful. Each rule should state a concrete goal, when and how often it will be monitored, a specific consequence for non-compliance and a specific reward or privilege for compliance. We all too often take compliance for granted and forget to validate it.

Changes to the contract should only be made in family meetings with everyone present and calm…no reactive decisions in the heat of a conflict. A contract enables parents to stay calmer when the teen makes poor choices because the tough decisions are already made. The parent’s entire job becomes implementing the rewards and consequences consistently.”

Privileges. Parents today have much more power than they use. Parents are in charge of many privileges that can be earned for appropriate behavior. Too often parents forfeit their control by giving their teens the message that they are entitled privileges without the responsible behavior that should be expected.

The opportunity to earn privileges is an excellent technique that can be used by every family. Even if you can financially afford to indulge your teen, doing so is a disservice. The world will not be so kind. Here are some privileges that can be awarded for responsible behavior and removed for irresponsibility:

· Cell phone
· Phone
· Allowance
· Management of one’s own money
· Parental signature on work permit
· Transportation to a job
· Overnight stays at your house or at another teen’s home
· Friends visiting
· TV use
· Computer use
· Weekend and evening social activities
· Privacy. Yes, this should be earned with trustworthy behavior! Untrustworthy behavior   can result in random searches of your teen’s belongings. (This is not a violation of privacy if teens are making decisions that put them at risk when you are still responsible for them.)
· Parental signature for off-campus lunch
· Use of car to and from school
· School parking space
· Gas in the car
· Transportation for social events
· Use of a parent’s car
· Parental coverage of teen on family car insurance

Consequences and Follow Through. Dr. Tina Lepage provided the following thoughts on how parental follow-through on consequences helps their teen to make good decisions. “Utilize immediate consequences for inappropriate behaviors of any kind, and stronger consequences for behaviors that are considered highly problematic, typically such as behaviors related to safety issues (drug and alcohol use, physical aggression, threats of violence, driving without a license, etc.). It is best if a teen has learned over the years that his or her parent(s) give immediate consequences when rules are disobeyed, and has learned that some rules (the ‘safety issues’) evoke a very high consequence. Then when confronted with the decision of whether or not to use drugs and alcohol, the teen knows from experience that if caught, he or she will be saddled with a very large consequence. This makes it less likely for a teen to make the initial choice to use.

It is a cost-benefit analysis for the teen, and parents should realize that the perceived benefits to teens may be many, such as looking cool in front of their peers, fitting in with peers, trying something new and daring, relief of boredom, ‘feeling good’ from the high, etc., and those ‘benefits’ are experienced immediately. Thus the teen must also know that the costs will be many and immediate as well.”

Please refer to the four boxes for additional strategies for parents; each box contains suggestions of ways to approach your child on a few key issues and some ideas about words you can use:

Supervision

· If you are spending the night, going to a party or social event or spending a teacher workday at another friend’s house, I will need to speak to the adult in charge to make sure an adult will be home.
· I will not go out of town and leave you and this home unsupervised.
· If you plan to have friends over to our home, please check with me first.
· If you are having friends over to our house when I am not home, here are the conditions:
· I need to have a parent’s name and phone number for each of your friends who is visiting or spending the night in our home.

Substance Use

· Drugs and underage alcohol use are not allowed in this house.
· I am the adult paying for this home, and I am legally responsible for anything that happens here – whether I am home or not. Parents in this community have been prosecuted for permitting use of illegal substances in their homes, as well as legal substances by underage persons.
· I am going to trust that you understand the seriousness of this and that you would not want to put our family at risk by violating my trust.
· If you do violate my trust and I find evidence of illegal substances in this house, I will call all parents (if friends are here) immediately no matter what time of the day or night.
· I will then call the police narcotics officer to meet with us and discuss the seriousness of your actions.
· I always have the right to search your room.
· If I suspect you are using drugs or alcohol, you will be expected to participate in a substance abuse assessment with a professional.

Curfews

· I will set the curfew based on your age and the level of responsibility you show in honoring your curfew.
· I expect you to be home by the time of your curfew.
· If unforeseen circumstances delay you past your curfew, I expect you to call before your curfew.
· Changes in your curfew will occur gradually, in a step-by-step fashion, as you demonstrate compliance with the current curfew.
· “Nothing worth doing happens after midnight.” The primary things that happen after midnight often involve sex, alcohol, drugs, illegal activity, or rebellion of some kind.

For older, responsible high school students 12:30 am (which is really midnight but allows 30 minutes for dropping off friends and transportation) is our upper limit curfew recommendation. Our community norm is much later at this time, so most of our teens will not think this curfew is reasonable. We are responsible, however, for determining the community norms, and only we can change them.

Car Riding

· You are absolutely not to get in a car with anyone who:
– Has had any drug or even a drop of alcohol in his/her system. (This includes marijuana, which does affect eye/hand coordination and speed of reaction – contrary to teenage myths.)
– Isn’t a licensed and safe driver.
– Does not have a seat belt space for you.
– Has other passengers without seat belts.
· You need to have the gumption to ask the driver to reduce speed or anything else necessary to be a safe driver or to let you out of the car.
· If you ever need a ride because you or another driver are not able to drive safely, you may call me at anytime of the day or night to get a ride, no matter where you are – no questions asked.
· Your safety is what is most important to me!

Most parents need support with this process. For more information consult Parent Power Prevents Substance Abuse Before It Starts on www.chhsptsa.org

Tina Lepage, Psy.D., Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Linda Hammock, LPC, CAC
Lynne Johnston, LCSW, Parent and Parent Educator

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Dr. Tina Lepage Answers Questions from Carolina Parent Magazine on
Children and Body Image
(1) Given today’s powerful and omnipresent cultural and media stereotypes about bodies and beauty, do you think parents have any control over how children and adolescents feel about their bodies? Please explain.

Actually, parents have a lot of control over how children and adolescents feel about everything, their bodies included. For example, studies have found that the messages that parents give to their child have more influence on the child’s thoughts and behaviors than messages they get from peers. So parents can help combat unhealthy media and cultural messages about body image by providing healthy messages within the home.

(2) In what ways do a parent’s body image “issues” affect and/or determine those of his or her children? Is it more common for children to have the same or different body image issues as their parents?

In terms of overall self-image, on an internal level children see themselves as half mom and half dad. Thus if mom or dad has a poor body image, the child is at risk for having concerns about his or her own body, and for having low self-esteem around this issue. More specifically, children identify closely with the same sex parent in terms of their vision of what it means to be a man/boy or woman/girl. Since girls are more vulnerable to body image issues (due to societal pressures), and girls take their primary cues from their mom’s attitude about body image stuff, it is especially important for moms to reflect in their words and actions a healthy attitude about their bodies. Conversely, if mom and dad have a positive and healthy body image, the child is more likely to feel good about his or her own body, even in the face of cultural and media images that hold up unrealistic and sometimes even unhealthy body images. However, even with the best body images within the home, parents do need to also provide information to counteract the media and culture.

(3) What are the keys to establishing/nurturing a child’s healthy body image? How early should parents start? Is this a planned process or does it just happen?

There is both some planning and “it just happens” around nurturing a positive body image for your child. The “it just happens” part is what I spoke of above, wherein the parents’ body images have an effect on the child’s developing sense of self. In terms of when to start, it is never too early to nurture a positive body image (and positive self-image overall), though the key is to not have a high focus on the body and instead chose things that flow naturally into conversation. Here are some hints: (1) refrain from making negative comments about people’s bodies in general, and instead focus on the positive and on compliments versus tearing people down, (2) focus on health versus body size, for example, talk about healthy eating versus dieting and exercising for heart and body health versus to lose weight, (3) institute healthy eating and exercise into your family routine, (4) talk about looking healthy versus looking skinny, thin or fat, and (5) compliment your child regularly.

(4) Thinking specifically about ages 10-14, what are the major body image issues and how can parents best support a healthy attitude?

By this age of 10-14, children are very aware of the societal pressure to be thin and attractive, and this includes both boys and girls. The major body image issue for girls is thinness, which can be very difficult to deal with at this age as puberty sets in. This is also an issue for boys, and though there is less pressure to be “rail thin,” there is still pressure to be thin in general and to be “good looking.” The second major issue is more a broad area of the pressure to be attractive, which goes beyond the issue of thinness to things like nose size, acne, wearing clothes that are “in,” etc. Parents can support a healthy attitude by:

(1) having a healthy body image themselves,
(2) having a healthy family lifestyle,
(3) regularly providing information to counteract what the children see in the media, and
(4) teaching the importance of character, personality, and accomplishments over external looks (for example, focusing more on compliments and positive feedback around positive character behaviors, such as helping a friend, doing one’s chores, trying one’s best at school, etc., and accomplishments, such as learning to ride a bike, or doing well in school, etc.).

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ASK THE EXPERT
By: Tina Lepage, Psy.D.Q: Are there dangers of Internet pornography use by adults? Should adults be concerned about their own use of Internet pornography, or even of sexual “relationships” with other adults in chat rooms? For example, I have little time to get out of the house with raising a child by myself and find myself being lured by all the chat rooms for companionship. Do you think developing friendships that could even be considered sexual “relationships” with other adults in chat rooms could be ok?

A: There are two different issues in this question: pornography use by adults and chat room sexual relationships. Let’s look at each of these briefly and separately. To some extent the question of whether an adult should be concerned about their own use of pornography is a personal values question that is not best answered by a neutral, outside expert. However, I will speak to some concerns one might want to keep in mind. Internet porn can be limitless and thus more likely to draw one into an addiction. Unlike a pornographic magazine or video, Internet usage is limitless, and one can spend hours barraged by images. If your child mistakenly learned of your Internet pornography use (and kids are better with computers than we are!), not only would it open up the world of pornography to your child’s awareness, it would also put you in the position of having to explain to your child why you chose to view porn. Pornography tends to give one an unrealistic view and expectation of sex, and it can cause distance, dissatisfaction, and raise concerns within relationships. Whether viewing porn or engaging in an on-line sexual relationship, both take you away from the real world, that is, from getting out and meeting people and pursuing a real relationship. Two dangers of Internet chat room relationships are that with anonymity comes deception, and with anonymity boundaries are more quickly crossed. You never really know who you are talking to, or even if the self-photo they sent is real! This fantasy world can give you a false sense of intimacy and attachment, which in the long run will not meet your needs for a healthy attachment and relationship with another person. Perhaps the most important question here is how to address the problem of having so little time to yourself out of the house that you feel lonely and thus look for Internet relationships. For suggestions on how to provide time for yourself to pursue “real, live” friendships and intimate relationships, see previous Ask the Expert question that addressed this issue. (That question was: I have school age children. How can I make time again for me and find my own identity when I have to often play both roles of mother and father as a single parent? Can you give me some suggestions before I pull ALL of my hair out?)

 

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ASK THE EXPERT
By: Tina Lepage, Psy.D.Q: How do I check on my teens’ activities on-line without making them feel like I don’t trust them or have invaded their privacy?

A: Teenagers are at an age when developmentally it is appropriate for them to want and be given more privacy than they had as children. However – though they might argue to the contrary! – there still must be limits to their privacy, particularly when safety issues are involved. The Internet has not only become a wonderful information resource for teens in a positive way, but has also become a place to easily access pornography, and a place where pedophiles solicit unsuspecting teens, often by pretending to be children themselves, or by pretending to be a caring adult who is interested in the child. Teens generally understand that safety concerns have more boundaries around them than activities that have no harm potential. Explain to your teens that their computer use is not monitored because you disrespect their privacy, but rather because as a parent you are responsible for their safety. Have the computer in a public place in the house so that you can make fly-bys while your teen is on the computer (no different than checking in on them when they have friends over). Review the websites that your teens have visited or even restrict certain websites. This is no different than being familiar with any place your child may spend time, such as friends’ homes, the Mall, or a sports facility, and just as you might restrict your child from going places that you view as unsafe or not in line with values you want them to learn, restricting some websites makes sense. Again, communication is key, so explain to your teen why you are checking on their “whereabouts” on-line. Not computer savvy? Visit a local computer store to learn more ways to set healthy limits on Internet use. Regarding trust, think of the Internet just as you would any place your teen goes. If your teens are honest with you about the “where/with who/doing what/why/when-time spent” then you trust them more and give them more leeway; if your teens lies about the where/who/what/why/when of their activities, then they have earned less trust and get less leeway. Though teens balk at it at times, again, they do understand the concept of trust being earned, and that their actions affect your trust. Lastly, let your teens know that the issue on Internet use is not a you-against-them issue, but rather is something you can become savvy about together. Take time to learn, with your teens, information about safe Internet use, so that they can make healthy decisions on their own too. Many teens, who know what to be aware of, will make appropriate choices.

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ASK THE EXPERT
Time For Self
By Tina Lepage, Psy.D.Q: “I have school age children. How can I make time again for me and find my own identity when I have to often play both roles of mother and father as a single parent? Can you give me some suggestions before I pull ALL of my hair out?”

A: Juggling being “mom” and “dad,” plus work, can be a challenge! But as your question implies, there is still an importance to finding time for yourself, both for relaxation and so you do have a sense of your own identity separate from your Self as a Parent. Three helpful hints:

(1) Let go of any guilt you have about time for yourself! I don’t say this just for the sake of letting guilt go, but because time to yourself is ultimately also in the best interests of your child. A little adult time or personal time or relaxation time goes a long way to improving mood and thus allowing you to be an even better parent. Plus if you always ignore your own needs, you are role modeling for your children that self-care is not important, and that being an adult and parent is all work and no play.

(2) Plan ahead, and one general plan that can be used regularly is best, otherwise planning itself can get put off. That is, build your personal time into your weekly schedule, don’t wait for there to be “time” for it. People do best with routines and schedules. Be creative and find what works for you and your family. Maybe Saturday mornings are your time to read and relax, or Sundays you go to evening church services, or every other Saturday you go hiking, or every Friday after work you go to happy hour, or Saturday night you participate in a game night or night out with friends… Whatever you do for yourself, build it into your schedule. A regular “me time” schedule, whether weekly, every other week, or once a month, allows you to plan your time more easily.

(3) That brings up the question of child care for some people. Be creative! If you can afford a regular sitter (every other Saturday night for example), then advertise and find one. It is actually easier to find a sitter to work a regular schedule than to scurry to find a sitter for occasions as they come up. If you cannot afford a sitter, perhaps you can barter with a friend. For example, if you like to cook, maybe you can make a favorite meal in exchange for a night of child care. Or the most direct exchange is to swap child care services between yourselves. Also, accept all of the help that you can get! If a friend or family member offers free child care, graciously accept. By taking time for yourself, you will feel better and be role modeling a more balanced lifestyle for your child.

 

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ASK THE EXPERT
Children Left Alone
By: Lepage Associates’ Staff Psychologist

Q: “What is an appropriate age to leave your child home alone, and how long should you start initially leaving them alone?”

A: Most states do not have regulations or laws about when a child is considered old enough to care for him/herself or to care for other children. Currently, the few states that do have guidelines or recommendations state anywhere from age 8 to age 12 as appropriate. According to Child Protective Services (CPS) of Wake County, there is no written guideline as to what age is appropriate for a child to be left at home in North Carolina. CPS did state that due to fire regulations, a child under the age of 8 is not to be left alone in a dwelling.

However, the decision is generally left to parents to make on an individual basis. Parents are reminded to consider the following before leaving a child alone:

• How mature is this child?
• How long will the child be left alone?
• What does the child have access to in the home that might be dangerous?
• Does the child know what to do in case of an emergency?

If you feel comfortable leaving your child alone after answering the questions above, it is typically best to start with a short period of time, such as an hour, and increase the time from there as you feel comfortable. Make sure children always have a list of phone numbers to call in case of an emergency.

 

ASK THE EXPERT SERIES
By: Lepage Associates’ Staff Psychologist “What is an appropriate age to leave your child home alone, and how long should you start initially leaving them alone?”

Click here to download the article as a PDF

“I have school age children. How can I make time again for me and find my own identity when I have to often play both roles of mother and father as a single parent? Can you give me some suggestions before I pull ALL of my hair out?”

Click here to download the article as a PDF

“How do I check on my teens’ activities on-line without making them feel like I don’t trust them or have invaded their privacy?”

Click here to download the article as a PDF

Are there dangers of Internet pornography use by adults? Should adults be concerned about their own use of Internet pornography, or even of sexual “relationships” with other adults in chat rooms? For example, I have little time to get out of the house with raising a child by myself and find myself being lured by all the chat rooms for companionship. Do you think developing friendships that could even be considered sexual “relationships” with other adults in chat rooms could be ok?”

Click here to download the article as a PDF

 

Get an A+ in “Back to School” Preparation
By: Lepage Associates’ Staff PsychologistThe summer is just about over. No more going to bed late, sleeping in every morning, or playing outside until dark. Now the routine has to change. These new experiences can bring on stress or cause children to resist necessary adjustments. Parents also often find the transition to a new school year stressful as they have more responsibilities, less time, and may be struggling with things in their own lives. Smooth transitions can be accomplished if the adults who care for children try to view the situation from the child’s perspective. Here are some tips on what you can do to make going back to school a pleasurable experience.

Prepare in advance

Young children always feel more comfortable if they know what to expect. Before the new school year begins, family members can explain to children how their daily routines will change. Describe what the morning routines will be in age-appropriate terms. Some children may enjoy creating a pictorial chart to include each step of the morning schedule.

Try getting up earlier a week before the new school year begins and explain why you’re doing it. This may prevent your child from being confused, groggy, cranky, or refusing to get out of bed on the first day of school.

Discuss how the school or child care environment will be different from the previous year. Many schools and child care professionals invite families to visit the classroom and new teacher before the school year begins. If possible, take advantage of these opportunities to allow the child to meet the teacher or caregiver, find his classroom, the bathroom, and the playground.

Try to be clear about the things that are changing by answering any questions children have such as: When will we eat? Where is the bathroom? How will I get home? Will I see my old friends again?

Involve children in preparing for school. For example, they can lay out their clothes, pack a back pack, or select a favorite toy or photo to take with them to the program. Letting them bring familiar objects from home is important, too.

Arrange play-dates with friends from school to re-establish connections that may have been dropped for the summer, or to create new ones.

Read to your child

Reading books with children is a great way to introduce any experience. They can see how other children beginning school or a new program have the same feelings of uncertainty and how they overcome them. Here are some book suggestions for younger children to help ease the transition:

· Berenstain, Stan and Jan. The Berenstain Bears Go to School. Random House, 1978

· Bridwell, Norman. Clifford’s First School Day. Scholastic,1999

· Haywood, Carolyn. Back to School with Betsy. Odyssey Classics, reissue edition, 2004

· Jackson, Ellen. It’s Back to School We Go! Millbrook Press, 2003

· Parish, Herman. Amelia Bedelia Goes Back to School. Harper Festival, 2004

· Rey, Margret. Curious George Goes to School. Houghton Mifflin, 1989

For the middle school child anxious about making the transition to high school, here is a book to help with easing the anxiety:

· Spethman, Martin J. and Klein, Chuck. High School Bound: The Ultimate Guide for High School Success and Survival. Westgate Publishing & Entertainment, 1997

Talk about feelings

Encourage children to describe how they feel about the new year; and try to ease any fears they may have.

If your child is anxious about starting the next grade, reassure her that other children have these feelings too.

Put a positive spin on going back to school. Talk about the fun things your child will be learning, the old friends he’ll see and the new friends he’ll make.

Parents may also feel sad or fearful about their children going off to kindergarten or back to school after a summer together. Even if you are feeling this way on the inside, exude confidence and good feelings when saying good-bye.

Expect an occasional meltdown. Beginning something new can be stressful and adjustment takes a lot of concentration and effort. Child care professionals, teachers, and families should expect–and be prepared to handle–a few tears and other emotional displays from young children.

Be there

If possible, arrive at the new school or program early on the first few days to help the child settle in. The teacher or caregiver may also be available to talk one-on-one with your child before the day’s learning begins.

It is also important to arrange for predictable pick-up schedules. Children need to feel confident from the beginning that they can count on a loved one to come back and to come when they said they would. Use the commute to ease the transition between school and home.

How adults handle transitional situations can set the stage for how well a child adjusts to other challenges in life. Those who love and care for children can help them adapt by making preparations in advance, clearly explaining the changes about to take place, and listening if doubts or fears develop.

Let teachers and guidance counselors know what’s going on.

If your child has recently undergone a stressful change such as divorcing/separating parents, share this information with his/her teacher and school counselor. You don’t have to go into great detail, but a simple statement like, “Johnny’s father and I separated over the summer, and he’s having a difficult time with the transition” can alert the teacher and counselor to the situation. You may want to tell the guidance counselor specific concerns you have, i.e., “Johnny has started to become much more fearful in new situations and has trouble leaving me” so that he or she can help your child during the day if a problem arises.

The school is in an excellent position to offer supportive services to children of divorce. Children spend much time in school, where the continuity and routine can offer a safe environment for interventions. Counselors, teachers, and other school personnel are available on a daily basis and can provide help during the school day.

Checklist for the first day of school:

Is your child registered? When is the first day of school? What time does school start?

What time is lunch? Can your child buy it at school, and how much will it cost? Will he or she need a snack?

Have you filled out all the health forms or emergency contact forms that have been sent home?

Have any new health problems developed in your child over the summer that will affect his school day? Does the school nurse know about this condition, or is an appointment set up to discuss it?

Does your child know where she is going after school (e.g., home, babysitter)? Does she know how he will get there? If you will not be there when she arrives, does she know who will be responsible for her, what the rules are, and how to get help in an emergency?

The following websites were helpful in writing this article and are good resources for additional information.

https://www.kidsource.com/kidsource/pages/Education.html https://www.greatschools.net https://aap.org/advocacy/archives/augschool.htm (American Academy of Pediatrics)

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Internet Predators
By: Alexandria Wise-Rankovic, M.SWondering what your teenager is doing on the computer? Years ago, in the confines of one’s own home, parents of teenagers had only the television and the family telephone to be concerned about when attempting to keep their children safe. These days, an entire world is available to your teens at the tips of their fingers through another form of technology: the Internet. In many cases, this is a good thing. Teens can complete their homework assignments using information posted on the web. Children are more worldly than ever, having the opportunity to instantly pen pal with other children in far away countries where they learn about cultural differences. While the Internet should not replace face-to-face time with one’s peers, teens also have safe opportunities to do what teens do best: chat with their friends.

At the same time, the Internet opens up equal opportunities for unwanted exposure to adults and even other teens with bad intentions, including sexual predators and pornographers. One child out of every 5 is a target for online sexual solicitation. Chat rooms are a primary location for this activity because predators can easily approach your child. Teens can sign up on websites like www.myspace.com (this website is merely mentioned as an example, numerous such websites exist) and post pictures of themselves (any pictures), enter chatrooms, post blogs, and more. Any other person can sign up on these websites, listing any age, and pretending to be anyone they want to be. Your teen can easily be approached by a sexual predator. Unknowingly your teen could have conversations with these individuals and could reveal information that could lead to a face-to-face encounter, either wanted or unwanted. Child pornographers lure children in by first exposing them to pictures of other children to lower their inhibition.

Parents need to get involved long before teens reach this point. Fortunately, parents have numerous choices about how to get involved. Here are some recommendations:

1. Research tells us that teens who engage in risky Internet relationships may have poor relationships with their parents. They may seek support from individuals on the Internet because they cannot receive that support from their family. It is never too late to rebuild a positive, supportive, and healthy relationship with your teen. Remember: quality not quantity.
2. Discuss with your teen or pre-teen the dangers that exist on the Internet. Tell him or her about strangers on the Internet in the same way you discussed not talking to strangers many years ago.
3. Establish Internet rules with your teen.
   • Tell them to never provide personal information to anyone over the Internet such as one’s address or last name.
   • Tell them to never arrange a personal meeting with someone they meet over the Internet.
   • Guide them to choose their user names and email addresses carefully to not reveal age or too much identifying information.
   • Remind them that information sent over the Internet is not always private.
   • Tell them that you will want to know who they are corresponding with so that you can help them be certain of who is on the other side of the chatroom.
4. Place limits on computer time. Think of time in front of the computer in the same way you do about television. Set limits on the total amount of computer and TV time each night. That will help to limit exposure to unwanted Internet activities as well as to encourage teens to create an engaging world away from the screen. Set a timer and stick to your decision.
5. Consider putting your computer in a public area in the home. A computer in a teen’s room provides unrestricted access and limits your ability to monitor its use.
6. Finally, keep the door of communication open to your teen. Let her or him know that s/he can tell you if they are approached by someone asking questions that are uncomfortable. Or, if your teen made a mistake and corresponded with someone she or he thought was safe but now appears unsafe, encourage your teen to come talk to you about it to work it out.

Restricting Internet use entirely is not possible due to its accessibility in schools, libraries, and coffee shops. Arming your teens with information so that they can make healthy decisions is the best weapon. Many teens, who know what to be aware of, will make appropriate choices. However, if you suspect that your teen is caught in a risky Internet situation, act on it now. Report criminal activity to the authorities. Some parents have made the decision to eliminate Internet use entirely from their homes. Others have chosen to purchase wireless cards for their computers that they hand out for limited periods of time for teens to do homework. Parents can also review the websites that teens have visited or even restrict certain websites. Not computer savvy? Visit a local computer store to learn more ways to set healthy limits on Internet use.