So many moments, evenings, or whole relationships get off track because one or both people are not playing “on the team.” “On the team” means that you’re remembering that you love and respect your partner, and you’re looking out for their needs and feelings as much as your own. It does not mean giving in all the time, or falsely building them up. If both partners are playing on the team, you’ll have a discussion instead of an argument. You’ll problem-solve a lot more efficiently, with negotiation and compromise. More and more you’ll find each other considering the other’s needs because you won’t need to anxiously defend your own and try to ‘win.’ Next time you find yourself in an argument with your partner, take a moment to explore it and figure out who got off the team. And then get back on!
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Happiness Blog
CONFLICT SKILLS FOR RELATIONSHIPS (OR, HOW TO STAY ON THE TEAM)
Conflict. It’s a part of every intimate relationship. Sometimes it feels like it’s a big part – too big. Often, the same issue comes up over and over and you feel like you’re beating your head against the wall. Sometimes it seems like you and your partner are on two different teams. Take heart – you’re in good company. According to relationship researcher John Gottman, 69 percent of every couple’s arguments are about perpetual problems, meaning those issues are here to stay. But that doesn’t mean they have to cause so many conflicts.
Let’s start with resolvable problems, which make up the other 31 percent of relationship conflict. These include issues like who picks the kids up from soccer practice and how to decide which house to buy. We all try to resolve these problems, and sometimes we even try different things, and it still doesn’t work! The first thing to consider here is how you start talking about it. This especially applies to women who bring up an issue 80 percent of the time. You want to use a soft startup, because starting with anger or criticism is likely to put your partner into defensive mode immediately. “Soft” doesn’t mean “hesitant” or “wishy-washy,” it simply means respectful. You can imagine your partner’s response to, “I can’t believe you didn’t put the dog food away! Now he’s torn into the bag. Great.” Starting with “I” forces you to own your feelings instead of blaming your partner for them: “I’m annoyed the dog got into the bag of dog food. Can you please put it away after you feed him? Or try being lighthearted: “Thanks for feeding the dog. Don’t forget to put the bag away when you’re done, otherwise Roofus gets a free-for-all.” It’s easier to do this when you remember that your partner probably does a whole lot more right than wrong.
Accepting influence is a critical skill that men tend to struggle with more than women. What it doesn’t mean: letting your partner call the shots. What it does mean: remembering that you married a partner, someone who you respect and value. Of course you want them to make you think! This skill can be particularly hard to use when in conflict, but as with all conflict skills, that’s when it matters most. If you can listen to your partner, consider what they’re saying, and give the occasional, “I see what you mean” or “good point,” you are more likely to find yourself facing a teammate at the end of a discussion rather than an enemy at the end of a fight.
It’s important to be able to de-escalate during an argument because it keeps things from getting out of control. To do this one issues repair attempts, and they can come in many forms: taking a break when things get too heated, using humor to lighten the situation, apologizing. Gottman compares repair attempts to rumble strips on the side of the road: it warns everyone that the team is going off course, and gives you a chance to get back on track. Accepting influence during an argument can take it down a notch (or three).
Compromise is another critical skill. When headed into compromise you should know what you must have and what you would merely prefer. It requires great respect for your partner who will also come to the table with must-haves. Compromise includes sharing power, meeting in the middle, and sometimes being creative. Do you really HAVE to have dinner at the Italian place tonight when your partner really wants Thai? Maybe you could try that that new burger/sushi fusion restaurant and satisfy everyone. Or maybe you go to their place tonight and your place next week. Above all, compromise means not trying to win. Your goal is to have both people feel like winners as much as possible. Otherwise you’re in a competition, not a relationship.
But what about the other 69 percent of relationship conflicts? How do we deal with those? Perpetual problems arise from differences in needs and personality. For example, a couple with one strong extrovert and one strong introvert might frequently battle about how often they go to large social gatherings, how long they stay, if they should drive separately in case one wants to leave early, etc. Using soft startups, repair attempts, compromise, and accepting influence each and every time there’s an Evite in your inbox is going to get tiresome and isn’t likely to be effective. Those skills need to be used, but they’re not enough. The addition of two more skills leads to real success with perpetual problems: dialogue and acceptance. If you can keep up a neutral or positive dialogue about the perpetual problem you can avoid gridlock, where there’s either icy silence or unproductive arguing. Gridlock will block progress and breed negativity. It’s easier to avoid gridlock if you’ve accepted this unwanted behavior or mindset of your partner. He’s turned on every single light in the house again? Your closet looks like a bomb made of all her clothes hit it? Try looking at it with amusement, a mental eye roll with a head shake and a smile, and remember that your partner is NOT this quirk. This quirk is just a small part of your partner.
One last point, and this is crucial: remember that you two are a team. Consider all these skills and imagine using them under two conditions – with someone you see as being on your team and with someone you see as working against you. No matter the problem, it is far easier to approach it with someone you see as your teammate. When the relationship feels really hard and you don’t know whether to throw a tantrum or throw in the towel – take a deep breath, take a pause, remember you’re not alone, and think of this Motto: Never pass up a chance to be on the team.
September 9, 2013
The Happiness Secret
I’m about to tell you the secret to being happy.
Remember the first day of kindergarten, or when you moved in 10th grade? Can you remember that biting loneliness, the acute sense of isolation in a sea of kids? It was a tough first day no matter what grade you were in. Remember how your life changed instantly, dramatically, when you made your first friend?
Fifty years of happiness research done across cultures shows that the number one contributor to people’s happiness is how closely connected they feel to other people. How many good friends you have, how close you are to your family and neighbors, the strength of your work relationships – these forms of connectedness contribute to your happiness more than anything else in life. Happiness and social connectedness have a stronger relationship than smoking and cancer – in fact, they’re so closely related they can almost be equated. So next time you’re in the middle of something “important” and your friend asks you to hang out, choose your friend. The cleaning can wait.
September 2, 2013
Happiness and Curiosity
You’re at a party. You look around and don’t know anyone besides the host. You heave an inner sigh – no one looks particularly interesting. Plus they probably all know each other already. You start to wonder what excuse you could come up with that would make it okay for you to leave in the next five minutes. You head to the food table to kill some time.
You’re at a party. You look around and don’t know anyone besides the host. You start to imagine what each person does for a living. Are you surrounded by librarians, doctors, video game designers? You wonder what the tattooed woman and the guy in the sweater vest are discussing so animatedly. You head over to them to find out.
Curiosity can make or break a party from your first step in the door. You can see how being curious leads you to new knowledge, new people, and new experiences. The best thing is, curiosity is something you can cultivate – like so many of these other things that add to happiness! If you’re truly curious and not just trying to sound curious, the questions will come effortlessly. Just decide to be curious.
August 26, 2013
What is Happiness?
Happiness is about finding your passion and doing it every day—no matter what others think or what is popular or what obstacles you face. And this is long-term happiness I’m talking about, not short-term stuff you get with drinking, checking Facebook or ice cream. Happiness is hard and it takes focus. Happiness comes from within, not from without. Real happiness is self-sustaining and can grow even when you’re perfectly still or when you’re at the height of an activity—be it playing an instrument or dancing.
My view of happiness is perfectly embodied in Jordan Matters’ Dancers Among Us: A Celebration of Joy in the Everyday. This book is almost all photography of professional dancers in nontraditional dancing settings wearing street clothes. The first question you ask is, how did they make that leap without any special effects? And then the second question is, why can’t normal people look this happy in real life? I used to dance as a kid and I wondered if I was ever that happy. Their joy becomes our joy! After flipping through the pages of leaps, splits, and high kicks in coffee shops, horse pastures and in snowstorms, you get a sense that being happy can happen anywhere, in the middle of any mundane situation. It’s really about being present—not thinking about the past or dreaming of the future.
As these pages illustrate, these dancers exhibit such joy because they are staying in the moment since their bodies are their instruments. If they didn’t have full command of their hands, legs, feet, torso and head—they’d be a hot mess on the pavement. Their focus brings about their happiness, which begs the question—when you’re focused, are you happy? Another question is, do you have be a master at something to achieve happiness?
I would say, yes, but happiness is also more than being focused or working hard—it’s also about being at peace with yourself and being grateful for what you have. I find when I’m grateful, I can change my whole mindset and stop my complaints and cynicism. So I put together my bliss list and I’d love for you to put yours together too!
- Singing
- Comedy
- Watching my favorite TV shows: Mad Men, Game of Thrones, True Blood and reading all of the post-show blogs on Monday morning
- Going to the hair salon
- Running
- Clean sheets
- Coffee
- Clean house
- Poetry
- Hiking
- Networking
- Wine tasting
- Clothes shopping at my favorite consignment store
- Finishing a very long book
- Napping
- Dark chocolate
- Museums
- Hugs from my kids and husband
- Writing a blog post for myself!
- Saying “hi” to a deer while running
- My nightly tea made and delivered by my husband
Happiness is also about saying you’re worthy of having pleasure and that pleasure makes you a better person. No one else can make you happy except you. Take charge of your own happiness today!
Alice Osborn, M.A. is the author of three books of poetry, After the Steaming Stops (Main Street Rag, 2012), Unfinished Projects (Main Street Rag, 2010) and Right Lane Ends (Catawba, 2006) and is the editor of the anthology, Tattoos (Main Street Rag, 2012). She’s working on her next poetry book, Heroes without Capes. Her past educational and work experience is unusually varied and now it feeds her strengths as an editor for hire who takes good writers and turns them into great authors. A Pushcart Prize nominee, she has taught workshops to hundreds of aspiring authors of nearly all ages from 9 to 90, both in person and online. Her pieces have appeared in the News and Observer, The Broad River Review, The Pedestal Magazine, Soundings Review and in numerous journals and anthologies. She serves on the Board of Trustees of the North Carolina Writers’ Network and performs her poetry to audiences throughout the region. Alice lives in Raleigh with her husband, two children and three birds. Visit her website at https://www.aliceosborn.com/
August 19, 2013
Happiness and Fit
Sonia Lyubomirsky reassures us in The How of Happiness that there are as many ways to get happy as there are to get unhappy. But not all ways are equally effective for everyone. One of your friends might be thrilled with how productive she was at work today, while your other friend is still jazzed about ditching work for the beach. How do you figure out what might work for you? The author encourages us to take three things into account:
- What is the source of your unhappiness? Do you compare yourself to others, hold onto grudges, feel unaccomplished?
- What are your strengths? Are you focused on achieving? Creating? Connecting with others?
- What is your lifestyle? Do you have the time to put into the more labor-intensive behaviors, or do you need to do something on- the-go? Should your efforts be focused on work, relationships, leisure time?
There is a lengthy assessment in the How of Happiness that helps you determine which behaviors might work best for you based on those three things. Coming up: specific behaviors we can engage in intentionally to increase our happiness set point.
August 12, 2013
Happiness is Contagious
How often have you watched a great YouTube video that made you happy (penguin being tickled, a boy’s bike ride speech, mother cat hugs kitten) and passed it on to friends? Or told a great joke you just heard? Or felt a bit lighter after hanging out with someone who was happy? Burst into smile at seeing a child laugh, even though you have no clue why? Happiness is contagious. The more happy people you have in your life the happier you will feel, and the more happiness you will put out there which you will then get back from others. It’s a cycle worth getting sucked into!
August 5, 2013
Happiness and The Is
Today, I went for a run and a swim with my husband. As we started out, my legs felt sluggish – they did NOT want to run today! To motivate myself, I decided to make a game out of how much I could observe as I ran.
I noticed some everyday things – like street numbers, cracks in the pavement, a helicopter in the sky. After a few minutes of noticing, I noticed the pain in my legs disappear, noticed that I was enjoying myself. And then I noticed a real gem – palm trees! Here in Durham, North Carolina. Growing all over this neighborhood just 2 miles from my home. I felt like my moments of observation had been rewarded, both with happiness in the moment, and the idea of palm trees in my own front yard someday. 🙂
In the pool, I continued the game. 20 laps, how much could I notice? You would think that there wouldn’t be much to notice in a pool, traversing the same 25 meters up and back. But there was! I noticed how beautiful the bubbles were, when I put my hand down in the water to make the stroke. I noticed how comforting the smooth water felt around my body. It gave me the mind of a child, to suggest a few jumps and flips before we left, which we did. And then, the most rewarding of all – when I got out of the water and toweled myself off, I took a minute to actually look at the pool – the first time this summer that I really *looked* at it – and noticed how happy and comforting it was. Pool noodles, smiling faces. A woman doing laps, kids jumping in and chasing each other, a toddler excited to learn the word “bike”, a lifeguard examining her nails. Everyone being who they were in that blissful moment of summertime. In that moment, I was so content that I actually said out loud to my husband, “I don’t need anything more than what I have right now”.
Noticing “The Is”. Some people call this mindfulness. It turns normal moments into those you remember and cherish. To me, that’s happiness. 🙂
Katie Benedetto Jones
July 29, 2013
Happiness and Gifting
When was the last time you gave someone a gift? Or did something really helpful for someone? You felt good doing it, didn’t you? Whether you’re giving your daughter that scarf you saw her eyeing or if you’re babysitting for your overwhelmed friend while he gets out of the house, giving someone a gift makes us feel happy. Knowing that we’ve contributed to another person’s life in a positive way is uplifting. The great thing is, it doesn’t have to do with recognition and getting credit. When we give a gift anonymously we feel good. Furthermore, you feel good before you do it (anticipatory excitement) and for a while afterward (satisfaction). Imagine how those minutes of happiness would add up if you gave a gift – doesn’t have to be huge – every day!
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