Happiness Blog

Do you ever find yourself intentionally expecting the worst? It’s something I discuss in session regularly because it’s a pretty popular form of protection against difficult feelings: expect the worst so if it happens you’re prepared for it, and if it doesn’t happen you’re pleasantly surprised. That makes perfect sense. Unfortunately, the reason this comes up in therapy so often is because it doesn’t work – in the long run, anyway. It might minimize your feelings of disappointment or devastation for that event, but it also makes you overall more anxious and depressed. Here’s why: if you practice negative anticipation it becomes a habit, and then it’s really easy to notice “bad” things and much harder to notice “good” things. On top of that, instead of interpreting something as neutral or good you’re more likely to interpret it as bad because you’ve trained your brain to go in that direction. Then fear or depression sets in because you’ve learned the world delivers a lot of bad stuff. Then you start to act in ways that actually cause more bad things to happen which reinforces your tendency to negatively anticipate. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy and downward spiral. So stop waiting for the other shoe to drop and start looking for more reasons to be happy!

“Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary?”

– J.M. Barrie, 1902, The Little White Bird

J.M Barrie, the author of Peter Pan, wrote this in 1902. The book I read it in paraphrased it:  “Always be a little kinder than is necessary.” For some reason this quote resonated with me. Probably because it sounds so simple but can be so hard to do. But don’t worry, it doesn’t mean you’re a mean person.  Maybe just a little… self-focused in that moment. Who here has zoomed through the grocery store line without even making eye contact with the check-out clerk, so intent were you on rushing to pay, maybe bagging it up yourself, and dashing off with your cart so you could get dinner started, hurry-hurry-hurry?  Or maybe you’ve found yourself feeling that awkwardness that comes with not really knowing when is the appropriate moment to make eye contact with the stranger you’re about to pass, so you avoid eye contact altogether, whew-weirdness-averted? Or maybe your struggle feels more consuming, and you wonder if everyone is looking at you and judging you, or perhaps you fear that you’re not worth noticing at all? All of these render us really self-focused in the moment, which makes it hard to focus on being kind to others.  “Great,” you might be thinking.  “All I have to do is stop being in a hurry, or ever feeling weird or insecure, or thinking that others don’t like me.” For some, changing these ways, feelings, and thoughts is a long and familiar struggle. So start with a small step. Strive to be a little kinder than is necessary in one situation today.  And then tomorrow do one more.

When I was a kid, Christmas was THE BEST. School was out for a couple of weeks, I was going to get and give some presents, see some once-a-year cousins… awesome! I’d start getting psyched about it before we’d finished the Thanksgiving leftovers.  There was a lot of thinking about what I might do during vacation, planning what I might get and give for Christmas, imagining what cool stuff my older cousins would be into this time.  I had a whole month of excitement building up to the actual day.  Christmas day was always really nice, but what I remember decades later is the excitement leading up to it.

Flip side of the same coin – swim lessons.  I hated them.  Getting water in my ears and eyes and sometimes my nose was THE WORST.  The feeling of dread would creep up the day before so I was grouchy that evening, struggled with sleep that night, and was anxious and irritable for half the next day since lessons were in the afternoon.  They were never as bad as I imagined but I’d already gotten it into my head that swim lessons were my personal hell so 24 hours of every week in the summer was ruined.

In my young mind I thought that Christmas and swim lessons made me feel those things, and since you can’t change Christmas and swim lessons (believe me, I tried) you just have to put up with those difficult emotions. As an adult I realize that though you definitely have to put up with certain outside events, how you anticipate them is up to you.  Sometimes I even remember this in time to turn dread into something tolerable, or if I try really hard, something good.  Give it a shot – repeatedly.  Remember that happiness skills are like any other skills – the more you practice, the better and easier it gets!

Like a tiny flesh-colored Hulk, my toddler rages around his playroom upending everything he can get his hands on because I won’t give him one of my Advil. Suppressing an urge to roll my eyes and explain the difference between Advil and M&Ms, I take a deep breath, pop another Advil, and try extra hard to remember why people Hulk Out.

It’s easy to name this as “anger” and be done with it. But then we’re more likely to respond with our own anger, and two Hulks won’t improve the situation (Season 4, Episode 13 taught us that). Even if our version of anger comes in the muted form of exasperation, irritation, or defensiveness, it doesn’t help us or the other person get to a better place.

Back to my little Hulk.  Certainly, there is anger. The flying bristle blocks and shouts of rage can attest to that. But what’s behind the anger? Taking a deep breath, I slide into his shoes as best I can and feel a sense of powerlessness, sadness, and frustration. He did just hear “no” about ten times in the past five minutes, the cat got away again, and now he can’t have any of Mom’s little candies.  The compassion comes more easily now that I can see these difficult vulnerable feelings behind the big anger.

You don’t need a toddler to get practice with this.  Adults Hulk Out too, just in less obvious ways (usually).  Next time your teenage daughter gives you the cold shoulder, your spouse bites your head off, or you find yourself wanting to snap at complete strangers, take a breath and look for the vulnerable emotions behind the anger. It’s not all that’s needed but it’s the first step to getting back to Happy.

We’ve been old-schooling it with this blog.  It’s 2014 for crying out loud!  What better way to get happy than by using an app?

Happify is an app based on positive psychology research on cultivating happiness.  It helps you develop skills to enjoy the day-to-day more and deal with setbacks.  Based on a few bits of information about you it recommends a skill track to start on.  Their 26 tracks focus on things like positive thinking, being more gentle with yourself, raising happy kids, gratitude, hope, social connection, motivation, self-confidence, goal-setting, etc.  Five basic skills are emphasized: savoring, thanking, aspiring, giving, and empathizing.  You have the option to connect with others using the app (to take advantage of feeling supported and supporting others with their happiness goals) or staying private.  Unfortunately, only the teaser app is free.  To get any real use out of it you need to pay for a membership, starting at a few dollars a month.

There’s also Happier, an app designed to help you develop skills around gratitude and savoring, and also connects you to a happiness community.  Kindr is based on the idea that being kind spreads happiness, and allows you to create unique messages to send to people to brighten their day. Then there are apps that offer inspirational messages or happiness tips.

Or… you can just keep reading this blog.  It’s free and won’t drain your battery!  🙂

“…to construct the tower of happiness outside of ourselves is just the same as to build a house in a place that is consistently shaken by earthquakes.”  – Saint Nektarios of Aegina

I love this quote.  This Greek saint born in the mid 1800’s was trying to tell us what social scientists are currently trying to prove with a lot of research: don’t believe that your happiness is contingent on what’s happening outside of you.  Life is unpredictable but when we remember that happiness resides within us we are less vulnerable to external turmoil.  It’s not that we’re immune to the influences of the world around us – after all, it’s unreasonable to think that when our spouse comes home in a bad mood or when we see something horrible on the news it has absolutely no effect on us.  The point is that we have so much choice in how we react to it.  We don’t have to be pulled into a place of irritability or malaise with our spouse.  We can choose to respond in a way that will maintain our general happiness – maybe acknowledge that it was a tough day for them and they might need extra support, or a great distraction, or time to get over it.  We might use the horrible news story to feel inspired to make change, or feel better about our own lives in comparison.  If we base our happiness on the external world we are vulnerable to devastation by whatever uncontrollable instability comes our way.  Next time you feel like your tower of happiness is really shaken up, take a moment to consider how to re-situate it inside of yourself.

You know that feeling like you’re banging your head against a wall?  We’ve all hit that point of frustration where we wish we could just wave a wand to make it go away.  It comes from trying to control something we’re not actually in control of.  You’re in a debate about something you feel passionate about and the other person is being really stubborn.  You’re trying to make someone like you but they’re somehow immune to your charms.  You want your spouse to follow through with that onerous chore and they just won’t do it. SO FRUSTRATING!  Until you remember… there are only two things we are (largely) in control of: how we think and how we act.  We can’t control how others think, act, or feel (in fact, we can’t even control how we feel – if we could, we wouldn’t struggle with emotions, we’d just change them.  We can, however, adjust our emotions through how we think and behave).  Don’t dismiss how influential you can be on others’ thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, but remember influence isn’t control.  Next time you feel like banging your head against the wall recognize that you’ve slipped into believing you can control something you can’t.  Stop, step back, and remember what you can control – how you think about this and how you respond to it. Let other people control themselves.  Like magic, that frustration will immediately melt away and you can get back to being happy.

Desiderata is a prose poem written by Max Ehrmann in 1927.  It means “desired things” in Latin.  I carried this around on a teeny, tiny piece of paper in my wallet for years and is the closest thing I have to a happiness prescription.  I often forget to follow it and always appreciate re-reading it because I find something newly relevant every time.  Enjoy.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

 it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection.  Neither be cynical about love;

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,

and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

                                                                                                                                                                  -Max Ehrmann

You know that nice, warm feeling you get when you help someone?  Science has proven that it goes beyond simply basking in the belief that we’re a good person.  As far back as 1956, studies have shown that altruistic deeds (doing them or even just watching them) actually trigger the release of endorphins – the body’s natural painkillers that are comparable to morphine.  This phenomenon is known as “Helper’s High” and is supported by brain imaging demonstrating that pleasure areas of the brain light up when simply imagining giving.  Not only that but every time we help someone we get a spike in oxytocin (the “bonding” hormone responsible for making us feel close with our baby after birth and with our partner during sex) which also reduces stress.  High levels of oxytocin have been found in very generous people.  Orphanage studies show that less oxytocin is secreted by young children raised in a neglectful environment than by children raised in loving homes, suggesting that there is a window of opportunity early in life to help create a biology inclined towards empathy and compassion.  More studies on young people further demonstrate causality – teens who volunteer are as a result less likely to use drugs, fail a subject in school, and get pregnant; and they tend to be happier, more socially competent, have higher self-esteem, and lower rates of depression and suicide.  Studies on older people (after factoring out other variables in order to demonstrate causality) show that regularly volunteering leads to overall better mental and physical health and a 44% lower rate of early death.

Not convinced?  Here are a few compelling numbers from surveys on some of the millions of adult volunteers in the US:

• 89% report an improved sense of well-being.

• 73% report lower stress levels.

• 68% report better physical health.

• 77% report enhanced emotional health.

• 92% report an enriched sense of purpose in life.

• 96% report an increased happiness.

“It is one of the beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely help another without helping himself.”  – Ralph Waldo Emerson