Happiness Blog

CAROLINA PARENT QUESTIONS:

1. In 2015, the American Academy of Pediatrics lifted their “no screens under two years of age” policy in favor of more nuanced recommendations that leave out time limits and instead urge parents to seek out educational content and preserve some screen-free family time. Do you agree with this policy change? How can parents set healthy media limits for young children (aged 1-5?)
2. What are some signs that a tween or teen may have a screen addiction or be engaging in unhealthy online behavior, and what are some steps parents can take if they notice these signs in their child?

DR. COLETTE DEGALLA:
I know the AAP has changed their policy on screen time for young children and I can see why they did: screens and digital media are pervasive in this country and have become integral to daily life. The reality is that if parents are making use of the multiple forms of digital media available to us, it is very likely their children will grow up in very close proximity to it and likely begin using it very early. While I would love to think that our culture could sustain a restriction on the use of digital media with children under the age of two, the ubiquity of this technology makes a restriction seem highly unlikely to be followed. Recommendations for a healthy engagement with digital media rather than an absolute restriction seems much more likely to be followed by parents and if that’s the case, I believe the change in policy is helpful.

What’s important to remember about the use of digital media, particularly with children under the age of two, is that there is no way it will not impact the child’s developmental process given the critical brain development we know is in progress at this age. When we stop to think about exactly what’s going on during this critical period between birth and age three, it becomes more clear why it will serve us well to be intentional about the use of electronics and digital media as we raise our children. We take for granted babies will learn to talk, to walk, to use the toilet instead of a diaper, and to get along with others. But all of these basic developmental milestones depend upon active engagement with caregivers and the physical world around us. Beyond these basic milestones, there are countless other developmental achievements happening during the first years of life, from learning colors and numbers to feeling the difference between rough and smooth textures, to understanding what’s right and wrong. These developmental tasks all depend upon the physical and psychological interaction of a child with his or her environment and caregivers. When the richness of the physical world is reduced to the two dimensions of a digital screen, some of that richness is clearly lost. For example, seeing a flower on a tablet screen might be a beautiful sight but it does not compare to exploring a real flower, which has its own texture, dimension, fragrance, and living quality. So although engaging with a virtual world might not be detrimental in itself to a developing baby, it is not a substitute for interacting with the real world.

Other things to keep in mind regarding the use of digital media and screen time for young children are all of the other developmental tasks on the agenda for those first few years of life. Critical to coping and mental health, babies and toddlers are learning how to self-soothe and to regulate their own emotional state. These early years are also the time to cultivate curiosity about the world around them and the impulse to explore in order to satisfy that curiosity. Language development is critical to not only basic communication but to overall cognitive development.

Babies and young children need opportunities to develop fine and gross motor control, perceptual capacities, and a sense of balance. All of these require active engagement with the world around them. The early years are also a crucial time for learning about empathy and developing a sense of morality. While use of digital media does not necessarily prevent all of this development in itself, the more time a baby has to engage in in ways that promote development, the better off he or she will be. What is absolutely critical in the first few years of life is a healthy attachment to mother, father, or a caregiver. There is no substitute for the loving attention and presence of a baby’s primary caregiver. Digital media should not be overused as a way to distract a baby or pacify a baby when a caregiver is busy or preoccupied.

Concerning the possibility of a tween or teen being addicted to screen time or the use of technology, the first signs to note are problems in school and difficulty keeping up with daily responsibilities. If a parent is concerned that a teen or tween might have an addiction, it is important to consistently observe the child’s behavior over a period of time. Parents should make note of significant changes in overall mood – an increase in irritability, anxiety, or depression. Lying about use of digital media or trying to hide it may also occur. Withdrawal from family engagement and a resistance to activity other than the use of digital media may also be signs of a screen addiction. An unwillingness to be separated from a computer or digital device and a sense of urgency about returning to a screen when separated from it are noteworthy as well. Changes in appetite, sleep patterns, and level of physical activity, all should be noted. When an addiction sets in, all other aspects of a person’s life become secondary to the source of the addiction. There is little tolerance for any competing demands on the person and very little tolerance of distress. The screen may be used to soothe and calm oneself and the only time the addicted person may feel good is while engaged in screen time.

It is important to remember, as with any addiction, that if a child seems to be addicted to screen time, harsh judgment and anger directed at the child will not help. If a parent is concerned his or her child may have an addiction, step one in addressing it is paying attention to what’s going on with the child. The parent’s own use of technology should also be considered – is the parent modeling behavior that would facilitate unhealthy use of digital media for the child? If so, parent behavior should be modified. Limits and once again, intentional use of digital media are important. It should not be used as “filler” for free time, whether at home, in the car, or during other “idle” times. If a child seems to be struggling with an addiction, it is time for helpful interventions that address the actual problem. Power struggles and angry punishments will be detrimental to addressing the problem and can have a negative impact on the child’s self-esteem. Some first-line interventions are to talk to the child about the concern including sharing observations without judgment, offer alternative activities in which both parent and child can participate, and to spend time outside playing or exercising. When parental interventions do not seem to be enough to change the behavior, parents can seek the help of a qualified mental health professional.

https://www.carolinaparent.com/Encouraging-Healthy-Media-Use-for-Kids/

In a previous post we talked about what a Parenting Coordinator (PC) is and the benefits to using one. This article is aimed at helping you prepare your clients to work effectively with their PC. A PC can be most helpful with calming a hostile and chaotic family dynamic if both parents are willing to work with the PC and make changes within themselves.

To increase the chances that the PC work and relationship goes well, you can help prepare your client by sharing the following suggestions:

1. Be positive in your interactions with the PC; do not project your anger at your ex onto the PC.
   Some people who did not want a PC interact with the PC with a lot of hostility, sometimes even before any PC decision has been made for them to disagree with! Being calm and positive with the PC can help pave the path for a good relationship with your PC. That doesn’t mean every decision will go your way, but by being positive with your PC he or she will be able to best hear and consider your perspective when making tough calls.
2. Remember, the PC’s decisions are not personal. The PC is a neutral party who does not have an emotional history with the family and is making decisions based on best practices for divorcing families. Those decisions won’t always be in line with what you want and they won’t always be “even.” A good PC is going to make decisions that are best for the child and based on what is considered best practice. Along those lines, avoid thinking of PC decisions as you or your ex “winning” or “losing.” That framework keeps you locked into Conflict Mode with the other parent, which results in high hostility and stress for everyone involved – including your child.
3. Do what your PC says. Follow the official PC decisions to the letter as those are legal in nature (i.e., same as if a judge ordered them). When the PC implements structure to help increase effectiveness and efficiency of the work (e.g., email the other parent only through the PC, limit number of communications), work within that structure. If the PC makes suggestions (e.g., how to phrase something to the other parent), take them. They are trying to help you decrease hostility and develop skills so that you and the other parent can function effectively on your own in a way that is healthy for your child.
4. Keep your child in focus with every decision. When you find yourself entering into a conflict with the other parent ask yourself, “Am I arguing for something that is clearly in our child’s best interest, or could this be a matter of opinion?” Sometimes after years of conflict people can develop a pattern of arguing just for the sake of arguing; your brain immediately assumes the worst and/or develops a position opposite of what your co-parent suggested. Remember, the point of PC work is to decrease hostility and make decisions for the good of the child, so if your PC suggests you may be arguing for no good reason, listen and work to be less argumentative.

Those may seem like some obvious basics but nonetheless can be quite challenging for couples that are locked in such hostile conflict that they require a PC. The following are more aspirational goals:

1. Two things contribute most to a child having a good outcome from a divorce – low hostility between parents and a strong, healthy relationship with each parent. Support their relationship with the other parent. The child needs you both. Never speak poorly about the other parent in front of your child – children see themselves as half each parent, so when you disparage their other parent you cause emotional pain to your child.
2. Keep the focus on the present and the future. Your goal is not to convince the PC with examples from the past that you are the good parent and the other parent is bad, your goal is to do what is best for your child from here forward.
3. Enter the relationship with the goal of learning from the PC so you can stop working with them and be effective, amicable co-parents for the benefit of your children. Depending on your PC’s background and style, you might have the chance to learn about child development, your child’s experience in two homes, and skills to improve communication and resolve conflict. You are paying for this service – get everything you can from it. Your PC has no interest in wasting your time or money so take their suggestions on how to engage most effectively in this process and as a co-parent.
4. Avoid being an accountant, keeping track of how many decisions are made in each parent’s favor. This only contributes to the mindset of being in an adversarial relationship with the other parent when a major goal of working with a PC is to have an effective working relationship with the other parent for the sake of your child.
5. Think of the PC and the other parent as your teammates in making decisions that affect your child. Be respectful of your teammates and assume they are doing what they think is best for your child. Come to each meeting (or email) prepared with what you want to discuss and keep your interactions brief, to the point, and polite or even friendly.
6. Be familiar with the PC order so you know what your PC is allowed to be involved with. For example, the PC is never allowed to make decisions about money or make major custody changes. Talk with your attorney when there are issues outside your PC’s purview.

As their attorney you might at times receive complaints from your client about PC decisions, or their perception that the PC is aligning with the other parent. After looking into this, if you feel the PC has been neutral it is helpful to the PC process to remind the client that the PC is a neutral party keeping their child in focus, and that compromise and negotiation isn’t part of being divorced, it’s part of being a parent – married or not. Also, attorneys and PCs can model good communication by having a good working relationship too. Reach out to the PC at the beginning of a case just to open the lines of communication, and help the PC if you can any time they reach out to you. Together attorneys and PCs can often help clients get the most out of their PC experience.