Happiness Blog

Q: I think my son is being bullied, but I am not sure and he won’t tell me. His teachers think he is fine. What can I do?

A: When it comes to the well-being your child, any type of uncertainty can be scary. When your child is not forthcoming about whether he or she is being bullied and school personnel has not reached out to you with any concerns, but you are suspecting something is going on, recognizing warning signs can be an important first step. After you are able to identify and recognize signs, you are in a better position to talk about them with your child. It is important to keep in mind the warning signs shared below can be related to other issues as well; however, having open communication with your child can help differentiate the root of the concerns.

Before jumping into warning signs, let’s take a moment to understand bullying. According to stopbullying.gov, bullying is defined as unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. Often, it is repeated behavior over time. Bullying can come in three forms: verbal, social, and physical. Here are examples of each form:

Verbal:

• Teasing
• Name-calling
• Inappropriate sexual comments
• Taunting
• Threatening to cause harm

Social:

• Leaving someone out on purpose
• Telling other children not be friends with someone
• Spreading rumors about someone
• Embarrassing someone in public

Physical:

• Hitting
• Kicking
• Pinching
• Spitting
• Tripping/pushing
• Taking or breaking someone’s things
• Making mean or rude hand gestures

Take time to educate yourself on the warning signs or potential red flags related to bullying, so that you can identify them as they come up. The stopbullying.gov website outlines the following signs linked to possible bullying:

• Unexplainable injuries
• Lost or destroyed clothing, books, electronics, jewelry, etc.
• Frequent headaches or stomach aches
• Feeling sick or faking illness
• Changes in eating habits (i.e., suddenly skipping meals, binge eating, or coming home hungry because they did not eat lunch at school)
• Sleep difficulties
• Declining grades
• Loss of interest in schoolwork
• Not wanting to go to school
• Sudden loss of friends
• Avoidance of social situations
• Feelings of helplessness
• Decreased self-esteem
• Self-destructive behaviors (e.g., running away from home, self-harm, or talking about suicide)

As discussed above, these red flags may be indicative of other issues and not just bullying. Regardless of the cause, if any of these signs are present, parents should explore them further and not ignore them!

Kids sometimes respond better to shared stories than to direct probing. Try sharing a story from your own childhood of when you or someone you cared about was bullied or not treated well by other kids, then check in to see if your child has experienced or seen anything like that. Using softer words and moving up to more serious words can also help draw kids out, such as using the phrase “not treated well by others” initially versus “bullying” when asking him what he has experienced. If he shares nothing and you still strongly suspect there are issues with bullying, consider taking your child to a therapist. Sometimes it is easier after a few sessions for a child to share information with a neutral third party than with parents. Also, let the school personnel know so they can keep an eye open for any issues; tell people such as teachers, principal, school counselor, school nurse, recess or lunch room supervisors, and coaches. Lastly, even if your child denies it is happening, engage in an educational discussion about how to deal with being bullied, why it is important to engage the help of adults, etc.

Q: My husband and I are planning to separate. How do I tell my child about this upcoming change?

A: That is a great question—often it feels as though there is never the right time or perfect way to have this conversation. Experts say that it is not the divorce itself that has the greatest impact on the child, but rather the actions parents take during it. Discussing the upcoming separation is the first step.

First and foremost, it is important to keep in mind there are different strategies for how to approach this topic depending on your child’s age. With younger children, use language they will understand. For instance, the terms “separation” or “divorce” may not mean much to them, so try explaining it in the context of “mommy and daddy will not be living together” and “being married is not working.” While there may be numerous uncertainties, be sure to explain that some things will change and it is okay if you do not have all the answers about how exactly things are going to change. During this conversation, we encourage you to highlight that no matter what, you will never stop loving them.

Now for adult children—regardless of their age, you are the parents and want to care for them through this process. If your child now resides out of the home, inform them you want to speak with them, but be sure to reassure them there is no illness or death. It can by scary to receive a call from mom or dad simply stating, “we need to talk.” While face to face conversations are encouraged, they may not be feasible, so try alternative options such as FaceTime or Skype. For adult children, things such as, where they should expect to come home for holidays, what is going to happen to the family house, and who is going to pay college tuition are additional topics that may need to be addressed. You can expect anger and even shock, which may require you to repeat information several times before it begins to resonate with them. Try your best to normalize their reactions and avoid invalidating their thoughts and feelings. Another thing to avoid is telling them you delayed the separation because of them. With adult children, it can also be helpful to share you believe in family and your separation or divorce does not mean they will not be able to have strong and happy relationships. Additionally, if you have more than one adult child, try to share the news at the same time. This may require considering multiple schedules and some planning.

As mentioned above, there is no perfect way to go about this conversation. Make sure you have ample time carved out to have this discussion, so that you do not find yourself rushing your child. Also, consider practicing ahead of time while anticipating reactions. After all you know your child better than anyone. Regardless of age, steer clear of bashing your partner, falling down the rabbit hole of the blame game, and discussing specifics of the separation. Instead, encourage open communication and offer support. After all, it is a process for everyone. If you feel like your child is struggling with the news and upcoming transitions, consider meeting with a specialist to help navigate this life experience.