Happiness Blog

Is your emotional well-being reliant on one or a few people in your life? Maybe it’s a romantic partner. Maybe it’s a family member or a very close friend. Here are some signs you are experiencing codependency: you are hyper-aware of how you are making others feel and how they are making you feel; you feel responsible for the emotions or actions of others; you (perhaps unconsciously) attempt to control the behavior of others; you have low self-worth; you feel loved or needed through fixing others’ problems; you have difficulty saying “no”; you are a people-pleaser; all your focus is placed on your partner or other people; you betray yourself for others; you feel like you give more than you receive; you have a fear of rejection or abandonment; you are indecisive and fear you will regret any choices you make; you are scared of being truthful to yourself and others.

So, what does healthy interdependence look like in relationships? Interdependence involves recognizing the importance of the bond you share with other individuals, but showing up in those relationships as a whole, complete individual. Interdependent partners communicate well, are not demanding of one another, and feel worthy outside of that relationship.

How do you move away from codependence and toward interdependence? The first step is recognizing that you are not responsible for the actions and feelings of others, and they are not responsible for yours. Draw your focus inward, and do the work to meet your own needs first. Begin setting boundaries for yourself; know that it is not selfish to take time just for yourself or say “no” when it feels right. Engage in self-care. Do something for you, without the goal of receiving validation from others. Speak your truth, even if it is scary. Take accountability for your emotions and fears, and begin to understand the underlying reasons for them. Most importantly, be patient and kind with yourself, because shifting dependency patterns can be a scary, time-consuming process. Remember that your relationships will become healthier and more fulfilling as you do the work.

We hear the advice to meditate all the time. We are told (or perhaps have experienced) that meditating helps us relax, improves our focus, deepens our sleep, increases our productivity, reduces our stress, and even boosts our immune systems. It seems like a fix-it-all, miracle cure. How can something so simple do all of this at once?

Effect of Meditation

The reason meditation is so powerful is that it causes shifts in our awareness. Many people over-identify with their thoughts and emotions, which can prolong them and make them feel bigger than they are. Specific thoughts or feelings can agonize us for days on end. Such pervasive thoughts and intense emotions can culminate in all types of problems, including stress, anxiety, and depression. It is important to recognize that we are not our thoughts and feelings. Habitual meditation helps us realize that we are just the vessels through which they flow. We are the consciousness that experiences them, but we do not have to attach ourselves to them. We begin to feel bigger than our thoughts and emotions, and we are able to take back the control. We gain the capacity to zoom out and find inner-peace during times of difficulty.

If this convinced you to give meditation a try, do this simple exercise today. Find a comfortable position, perhaps lying on your back. Set an alarm for five minutes. Close your eyes and imagine a river running through your mind. Hear the sounds the running water makes. Feel the current sweeping through your brain. There are leaves floating down the river. Each time you have a thought, place it on one of the leaves. Let the thought go as the leaf flows away. At the end of the five minutes, slowly open your eyes. Notice how easy or difficult it was for you to let go of your thoughts as they arose. If you repeat this meditation daily, you’ll notice how much easier it becomes, both during the meditation and in daily life.