Archive for: Something to Ponder

According to the New York Post, only 8% of Americans keep their New Year’s resolutions. Many times, people set unreasonable expectations for themselves. Of course, we would all like to exercise more, eat better, and become “healthier.” However, that wording does not create a realistic, achievable goal. That’s when SMART goals come in. 

SMART goals, according to the University of California, describe goals that are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound.

• Specific: “What will be accomplished? What actions will you take?”
• Measurable: “What data will measure the goal? How much? How well?”
• Achievable: “Is the goal doable? Do you have the necessary skills and resources?”
• Relevant: “How does the goal align with broader goals? Why is the result important?”
• Time-Bound: “What is the time frame for accomplishing the goal?”

The questions above guide you to ensure your goal meets the criteria. Once you write this goal (It might take a few sentences!), you should have a well-thought-out resolution. You can use SMART goals for anything, but resolutions greatly attest to their usefulness!

And, of course, give yourself the grace to make mistakes. Most people won’t stick to a new diet or routine perfectly. Let yourself mess up, then correct it. You’ve got this!

Why do holidays exist? To give thanks to those around you! To give perspective to your life! It’s easy to focus on the negatives in life. However, when you step back and focus on those who love you, you’ll be able to appreciate what you have.

According to youth.gov, unhealthy relationships are characterized by disrespect, dishonesty, control, hostility/violence, and dependence. Conversely, healthy relationships are characterized by respect, trust, freedom, kindness, and understanding. These characteristics don’t exclusively apply to romantic relationships; they can pertain to platonic ones too. 

Relationships can start healthy and later become unhealthy. Many maintain unhealthy relationships because they avoid change, love the other person, or think it’s better for the other person. Recognizing the signs of an unhealthy relationship is challenging, especially if you love the other person. If you are questioning whether a relationship is healthy or not, go through the list of characteristics (from youth.gov, Very Well Mind, or Psychology Today). Some people like a quiz (with physical results) rather than just a list to go over yourself. So, here is a romantic relationship health rest from Mind Diagnostics: https://www.mind-diagnostics.org/relationship-health-test. 

So, what should you do if you recognize a relationship as unhealthy? 

1. Don’t ignore the problems: Remember, ignoring them will not resolve them. Sometimes having a physical list helps. Write down the issues and signs of unhealthy relationships that apply in the situation. Use that list to analyze the situation. Also, getting an outside perspective and/or explaining the situation to someone who isn’t connected can help you recognize the severity.
2. Is the relationship fixable or worth fixing?: To repair the relationship, both parties must be aware of the problems and willing to work to improve them. If one (or both) of you are willing to put in the effort, the relationship will succeed. You have to care enough about the relationship to put in the effort. 
3. Discuss your boundaries with the other person: If you want to fix the relationship, especially in less severe situations, coming to the other person could help. Each relationship is different and requires different efforts. Sometimes, some much-needed communication can help people better understand each other and the necessary boundaries to maintain the relationship. 
4. Get professional help: If you can’t go to the other person, seek help. Depending on the situation, there are various resources. Couples therapy can help couples repair their relationship with a professional. Individual therapy for both parties can also help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is always available for cases involving violence: 800-799-7233.

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” – Oscar Wilde

I admit this saying is a bit cheesy, but it’s true! A study in 2014 conducted by Guler Boyraz et al. at Louisiana Tech University found that “those who showed greater authenticity at the first time point were more satisfied with life and less distressed at the second time point; but distress and satisfaction at the first time point did not predict authenticity at the second time point” (Joseph, 2017). Therefore, happiness results from authenticity. 

Many people will emulate those around them (especially those they admire) for many reasons: they don’t trust their judgment/thoughts, want to fit in, or want to impress other people. Imitation is normal human behavior, but if it’s overdone, it can have dire consequences. 

But how can you “be yourself?” That seems like a very abstract concept. Some people like a more concrete approach. Below is a list of steps provided by Psychology Today to help people be themselves: 

1. Accept yourself.
2. Identify negative self-talk.
3. Celebrate your strengths.
4. Express yourself.
5. Show your vulnerability.

You can look at the websites linked to see a further breakdown of each step! 

Have you ever made a goal, tried to meet it, and thought to yourself, “I can’t do this.” The problem might not be your abilities; it might be your mindset. A growth mindset describes a mentality characterized by the following:

1. I can grow from failure.
2. Constructive feedback is not an attack on my work; it’s a chance for me to improve. 
3. With enough effort, I can do anything I put my mind to. 
4. You have the power to change your intelligence.
5. Embracing challenges will help me grow. 
6. The success of others inspires me.

Conversely, a fixed mindset describes a mindset characterized by believing that your intelligence cannot change with effort. Some people believe that you are either born with particular skills or not. However, this couldn’t be farther from the truth. Our brain has something called neuroplasticity, meaning our neurons can form new connections as we have new experiences. Neuroplasticity is at its best when we are young, but that doesn’t mean it completely goes away as we age. To learn, we need to take action and practice skills. Doing so will literally rewire your brain, leading to new knowledge and skills. Just believing your brain can grow will cause you to behave differently. You will achieve more if you think you can work to get smarter. It’s kind of like manifestation (turning the ideas in your head into a reality). When you tell yourself you can’t, you won’t. But when you tell yourself you can, you will. So next time you think to yourself, “I can’t,” see if changing your outlook changes your success.

Last month, we talked about internal family systems, which is the idea that we have different parts within ourselves that are often in conflict. For example, there may be part of you that feels betrayed and excluded when you find out your two best friends went out to dinner without you, while another part of you completely understands, does not take it personally, and is happy your two friends are able to connect with each other so well. You may be confused how you can feel both things so strongly at once. We all have an inner child who craves love and approval, and is sensitive to any signs of rejection or critique. We also have a protector side that is quick to come out to defend this sensitive inner child. This is often the side that comes out during an argument, or is your first reaction to a rude email. When we pause and breathe instead of reacting immediately, we are often able to summon up a part of ourselves that is wiser and more equipped at peacefully handling the situation. This part has more empathy and understanding for the person on the other end of the conflict. Some people consider this side of themselves their “higher self.” The higher self is the part of you that is less affected by your ego and sees things from a broader perspective. This part is able to interact with the world from a deeper place of love and understanding. This part is always in reach, but it may take some practice to be able to summon it when needed. When you are in a difficult situation, practice taking a pause to breathe, and simply asking your higher self to make an appearance. You can ask yourself, “What would my higher self do?” The more you practice this over time, the more naturally your higher self will come to you. You will slowly begin to experience more of your life from this place. When we can step into our higher selves, we are stepping into wisdom, maturity, empathy, and love. 

If you’d like to learn more about this topic, there are many online resources that may be helpful. We recommend the spiritual coach Bunny Michael, who has a book, podcast, and Instagram page which explore the concept of the higher self.

We tend to think of ourselves as having a singular identity, but really we have different parts of ourselves that are often in conflict. For example, have you ever been around someone for too long and gotten annoyed of them? Maybe one part of you is saying mean things in your head and wants them to leave as soon as possible, but another part of you loves that person, wants them around, and feels bad for having those thoughts and feelings. Maybe two of your best friends are going out to dinner and don’t invite you. One part of you, your inner child, may feel the harsh feeling of exclusion. Another, more adult part of you knows that it has nothing to do with you and there is no problem with them having dinner without you. After observing clients in therapy in the 1990s, Richard Schwartz proposed that people have different parts of themselves which make up an internal family system (IFS). The more we acknowledge these different parts of ourselves, the more we can untangle the conflicting web in our heads, and use the different parts to help each other and aid in our overall healing. For example, when your inner child is upset about not being asked to dinner, your inner mother can comfort the inner child. As children, we are often helpless when bad things happen to us. For example, if you had an angry dad, there might not have been any way to escape that at the time. When you are exposed to yelling or anger as an adult, your inner child might have a strong reaction, as if it were still in that same situation with your father. Your inner mother can soothe the inner child, and tell her the situation is not the same as when you were young. You can even create your own inner father, who treats you like you should have been treated and helps fill holes that may have been left by your childhood. Parts work can also help us deal with the sides of ourselves we aren’t proud of. We can see these sides as a specific part, and recognize that there are other parts who wish to be better and who can guide this part. It may be most helpful to do IFS in therapy, but there are also several resources online that can help you get started on your IFS journey on your own. 

We live in a consumerist society. We’re constantly exposed to advertisements telling us all the things we need to be better, and it’s easy to get caught up in this mindset. We all want to be happy, so what does the science really say? Research over the past decade has shown that experiences make us happier than material goods. Why is this the case? Psychologists believe happiness lies within moment-to-moment experiences. We can’t be in pleasant moments all the time, so while it’s still good to try and stay present regardless, the reality for most of us is our minds tend to wander quite a bit. Research shows that our minds actually tend to wander toward dark places, unless they have something positive to look forward to in the future, or something fond to remember about the past. So when you can’t live in the moment, the best place to reside is in the anticipation of the future. Research shows that anticipating an experience elicits more happiness, pleasantness, and excitement than anticipating a material good. Waiting for a material good involves more impatience. People also tend to have fonder memories of experiences than of acquiring possessions. Also, people are more likely to compare their possessions with others than their experiences. Furthermore, experiences are more associated with identity, social behavior, and connection, which lead to long term happiness. Even after the fact, people enjoy sharing their experiences and hearing about other people’s experiences more than they enjoy discussing possessions. It’s okay to invest in and enjoy material goods, especially ones you get daily or weekly use out of. But, with this information in mind, there are probably purchases you can forgo to save money and effort that you can then put toward bringing more experiences into your life–and the lives of those important to you! These experiences can range from bigger vacations to smaller weekend trips, to simple evenings at a restaurant or movie theater. It may be time to reconsider what types of gifts you are giving others, and what type of rewards you are providing for yourself. It’s time to create more happiness for you and your loved ones!

There are many reasons we bottle up our emotions; we may be scared of being judged by others, we may be trying to “keep the peace,” we may not understand our emotions or how to deal with them, or we may be scared of our own emotions. Many people learn as children that their emotions are not safe to share; they may have been dismissed, belittled, made fun of, or simply ignored. You may have even gotten in trouble for expressing anger, fear, or sadness. This can lead to being a stifled adult. But hiding our emotions can backfire. It can put a strain on our emotional, physical, and relational health. Some signs you may be bottling your emotions include feeling like other people don’t understand you, feeling dissatisfied from your relationships, and experiencing a growing anger, frustration, and resentment with the world and others. You could be experiencing physical symptoms such as an upset stomach, digestive issues, headaches, a racing heart, and tension. Emotions need to be expressed in a healthy way, which isn’t always easy to do if you are not in the practice of it. Sometimes the easiest way to start is simply by expressing your emotions to yourself. When an emotion comes up, instead of pushing it down, let yourself get curious about it. Maybe start writing about your emotions in a journal, or start talking about them with a therapist. Eventually, you will want to be able to express yourself in your relationships. You can start with small, positive comments, such as, “I really enjoy eating dinner with you.” Gradually, you can begin to express yourself in more difficult ways, such as being able to say, “sometimes I feel like you don’t hear me.” While some people might push back, the right people will respect and appreciate you speaking up for yourself, and feel closer to you in the end. You will begin to feel more seen, understood, and connected with yourself and others.