Archive for: Something to Ponder

Remember that part in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off when Cameron was looking at Seurat’s painting and the camera honed ever closer to it, and you could see it was made up of tiny colored dots? It’s a cool, quick demonstration of pointillism, but it’s also a great analogy of what we sometimes do when we ruminate. You remember the one question in the interview you stumbled on, and after thinking about it for a day you’re convinced that’s the only question you were asked, you are a total idiot, and you’ll never get hired anywhere. Or you can’t stop thinking about a bad decision your spouse made and you forget about the past 15 years of their generally good decisions. It can happen in the other direction too – remember that person you dated that was so amazing! So perfect! And then later you asked yourself how on Earth you somehow missed all those awful characteristics? Hyperfocusing isn’t healthy, effective, or accurate. Every so often ask yourself if you’re seeing the whole picture. Then mentally pan out.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing; the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way” – Viktor Frankl from Man’s Search for Meaning.

Viktor Frankl lost his entire family and barely survived the horrors of the Nazi concentration camps of WWII. He developed the philosophy that we must recognize the fact that we have responsibility to choose how we respond to any given situation. He realized this while in the midst of one of the most horrific experiences any human being could ever go through. Yet despite the suffering he experienced, he chose his attitude in his situation. We’ve all had bad, painful, or overall negative experiences in our lives and maybe we’ve wished they’ve never happened, maybe we are living with regret, or anger, or resentment. But if a man can choose his attitude while living in a concentration camp, we can certainly choose our responses.

Relationship not working? Work stress? Kids being challenging? Health problems? The reality is, yes, these events in life bring us suffering and turmoil and sometimes we feel we have no control over them. But what we always, always, have control over is how we choose to respond to those challenges. My personal favorite attitude to have in any given situation: everything can be an opportunity for self-reflection and personal growth.

If my relationship is not working, maybe it’s a good time to think about my interpersonal skills and how to improve them. If I’m stressed at work, I can reflect on how I’m contributing to my own stress levels, develop coping skills, and foster gratitude that I have a job. Kids are being a pain in the-you-know-what? Maybe it’s time to expand my repertoire of parenting skills and check out some resources. Health problems can always be a good signal to slow down and take an honest look at my lifestyle.

As the holiday season is approaching, particularly Thanksgiving, we talk more of gratitude and being thankful. This is the best time to exercise our power of choice and choosing our attitude in any given set of circumstances. What do you choose?

“Being able to shift perspectives is like having a freely functioning vehicle. If a car is stuck in any gear, what you’ve got is a dysfunctional car. Even if it’s a Maserati, if you’re stuck in first gear, or you’re stuck in reverse, no matter what gear you’re stuck in, it’s dysfunctional. But the moment you have fluidity and movement and you’re able to shift up or down or into reverse, or whatever you need to do, you’ve got a functional vehicle.” ~ Zen Master Dennis Genpo Merzel from Big Mind · Big Heart

What a great analogy! You can have the most expensive, desired car on the market, but if that car loses its ability to shift gears, all it can do is stay stuck going in one direction. Such is true with our minds. When our minds can shift gears and see various perspectives, we give ourselves more options. We don’t become stuck with seeing a situation one way and believing we have only one choice. There is freedom and peace knowing that whatever life may throw at us, we will be able to cope with it because we have the flexibility and adaptability to accept whatever comes our way. Cultivate your mind to be a freely functioning vehicle, and enjoy the ride!

“The great French Marshall Lyautey once asked his gardener to plant a tree. The gardener objected that the tree was slow growing and would not reach maturity for 100 years. The Marshall replied, ‘In that case, there is no time to lose; plant it this afternoon!'” John F. Kennedy

How often do we put off taking the first steps because the desired outcome may take months or years? It can be discouraging knowing we may not see the end result for a while, but that does not mean growth and change is not happening in that time, and we can enjoy and benefit from the process and not just the end result. If it’s going to take 3, 5, or 10 years to achieve your goal, why wait? Time is going to go by whether you start acting on it or not, so why not start right now?! Still not motivated or confused where to start? Enlist a friend to join you, which research shows helps maintain momentum, or utilize a professional to design a plan with you. Long-term goals can feel overwhelming, so just focus on the  “start” and do something small to “plant your tree” this afternoon!

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.” – Albert Einstein

How often do we beat ourselves up for not being able to do “something – fill in the blank” as well as so-and-so? If we stopped comparing ourselves to others, we would have more time and energy to focus on our own abilities and we would see more clearly just how good we are at “lots of things – fill in the blank.” Don’t be the fish trying to climb the tree just because others can. Find what feels natural to you, find what makes you happy, and do it. You are a genius!

Just ask yourself for a moment…have you ever accomplished anything without first seeing yourself accomplish whatever it was you set out to do? Making a New Year’s Resolution is, for many people, just a trick to keep you stuck in a pattern of failing to change things you don’t like about yourself or your life. The problem with resolutions is that they are often nice ideas that you can’t really imagine happening. This year, rather than making a resolution, give yourself permission to stop thinking so much and start using the power of your imagination to envision and enliven your wishes and dreams. Your imagination is closely connected to your intuitive and emotional faculties which means when you envision something, you can also feel as though you’ve already accomplished it. Don’t envision yourself struggling to meet your goals! Envision yourself, complete with the full emotional aspect of the experience, already having accomplished your goals, wishes or dreams. Give yourself an early gift in this gift-giving season and take a few minutes to relax and breathe some life into your dreams or goals for 2014. Imagine how you would feel, despite how unrealistic it might seem, for you to have already gotten into shape, run that 10K, saved that extra money, completed all the work you have before you, or enjoyed a special connection with a loved one. Enjoy the sense of accomplishment, the feeling of victory, the vision of yourself having completed all you set out to achieve!

Sometimes life gets off track and we don’t know how it happened. Maybe you find yourself arguing with a loved one or being chronically late for work. Asking yourself, “Is this working?” can quickly help you identify that there is a problem and what it is, and then you’re on the road to fixing it! If something is “working” for you it means it’s moving towards your goals and you’re able to feel generally hopeful. If you find yourself frustrated, anxious, angry, or depressed, it’s likely that something is not working for you, and you need to make a change. It may be a big thing, like ending an unhealthy relationship, or a small thing, like laying out your clothes the night before so you’re not late to work. It may be a mindset, like accepting your partner’s quirks, or a behavior, like changing your morning routine. Try asking yourself this question next time you’re not feeling great emotionally. You might find you have a lot more control over your life and your mood than you thought you did.

So many moments, evenings, or whole relationships get off track because one or both people are not playing “on the team.” “On the team” means that you’re remembering that you love and respect your partner, and you’re looking out for their needs and feelings as much as your own. It does not mean giving in all the time, or falsely building them up. If both partners are playing on the team, you’ll have a discussion instead of an argument. You’ll problem-solve a lot more efficiently, with negotiation and compromise. More and more you’ll find each other considering the other’s needs because you won’t need to anxiously defend your own and try to ‘win.’ Next time you find yourself in an argument with your partner, take a moment to explore it and figure out who got off the team. And then get back on!

Did you know you can turn your anxiety into eagerness, motivation, and inspiration with just a quick change of thinking? If you choose to perceive a stressor as a challenge rather than a threat, your body releases less cortisol (a stress hormone) and more DHEA (a hormone linked with healing and relaxation). This means you will feel physically and emotionally less anxious and more positive. Think back – when have you considered something a challenge? What were your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors as a result? In the past when you’ve regarded something as a threat, how did that affect you? Could you have reframed that situation as a challenge instead? How might that have changed your mood and response? The way we think is one of the few things we have control over – take advantage of it!