Archive for: Something to Ponder

Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.” Joshua J. Marine

Want more meaning in your life? Focus on your “sweet spot.” The sweet spot is the area in between our “comfort zone” and “survival zone.” In the comfort zone, tasks seem effortless and we can act with ease, we don’t have a sense that we are struggling but at times we can feel bored. In the survival zone, we are in a constant state of arousal and stress, we don’t feel equipped to handle the tasks. We don’t get to enjoy anything during the process because we are just trying to get through it without falling apart. In the sweet spot, we can feel frustrated but we are not discouraged. The difficulty is not so overwhelming that it paralyzes us, but it’s right on the edge of our ability. It’s in this sweet spot that we learn the best and build our self-esteem.

When seeking out challenges, we want to be like Goldilocks- find something not too easy, not too challenging, but just right. In fact, you can turn most stressful events into something “just right.” Find out how to turn stress into a healthy challenge (as well as the negative long term effects if we stay in survival mode too long) here.

“Failure is simply an opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.” Henry Ford.

Well when you put it that way, failure doesn’t seem so scary! The idea of failure is so negative because since grade school we are taught to avoid getting that big red “F” on our tests. But even if we did get that “F” all that meant is that we had to take the test over again, and hopefully we learn what we need to do differently. Failing at something doesn’t mean we have to stop. In fact, a do-over, or even several do-overs, can result in great success. It famously took Thomas Edison over 10,000 tries to invent the lightbulb. A reporter asked Edison how he managed to keep trying after thousands of failures, to which Edison replied, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that didn’t work.”

“If I continue to do what I’ve always done, then I’m going to get what I’ve always got. “ –Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

I sometimes catch myself grumbling about how something I dislike in my life never changes, like how dishes always manage to pile up in the kitchen even after one day. For a while I was blaming my partner for not cleaning, but then he went away for a weekend where it was just me in the house, and the dishes still piled up. So then I blamed the small size of my kitchen believing that if I only had a bigger kitchen then it would be easier to clean. The more I blamed the mess on something external, the more frustrated I became.

Then I remembered what has now become my mantra: if I  continue to do what I’ve  always done, then I’m  always going to get what I’ve  always got. I finally took a step back and looked at what I  was doing. The problem was that I disliked dishes piling up yet I was not washing/putting away my dishes right after using them and I was allowing them to pile up. I wanted my partner and my kitchen to change for me, but I wasn’t changing myself. So I changed what I had been doing (by the way, it was not easy accepting that I was the cause of my own frustration, I got defensive and wanted to find fault with anything other than myself). I put the dishes away right after using them and the kitchen stayed much cleaner, and I was much happier at the end of the day! I’d like to say that I kept that habit, but I didn’t, the dishes still pile up because I get lazy. But I do feel less irritated about the mess because I feel empowered knowing that if I want something to be different, I can choose to do things differently.

“I hope everybody could get rich and famous and will have everything they ever dreamed of, so they will know that it’s not the answer.” Jim Carrey.

So what is the answer? Maybe we need to look to the people who are at the end of their lives for the answers. A palliative nurse wrote a book called, “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.” Here they are:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
“This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.”

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
“This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
“Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.”

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
“Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.”

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
”This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.”

“Success is neither magical nor mysterious. Success is the natural consequence of consistently applying the basic fundamentals.” Jim Rohn

How many times have we heard someone ask, “what’s the secret to their success?” It’s easy to believe that success is due to some magical secret ingredient, but success is actually a natural consequence of consistently applying the basic fundamentals. Ponder that for a moment…success is a natural outcome…when we consistently apply the basics. Let’s say we want to lose weight. The basic actions of losing weight are being mindful of what we eat and getting enough physical activity every day. Will success come as fast as we want it? Probably not. But there is no magical pill that will make us lose weight faster than is biologically possible. Just like there is no magical pill that can fix a struggling relationship overnight; what can improve the relationship is consistently applying the basics of healthy communication every day. So what are the basic fundamentals of your success?

“There are only two days in the year that nothing can be done. One is called ‘yesterday’ the other is called ‘tomorrow,’ so today is the right day to love, believe, do, and live.” Unknown.

How many of us wait for those two days of the year to get things done? It’s easy to forget that the only time we have is right now. Even this moment as you’re reading this is the only moment that exists and with each word you read, a moment passes. We truly only have right now. So what are you waiting for? How are you going to use this next moment?

“What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.” — Richard Bach

Perspective is powerful. Sometimes we can feel like the caterpillar where our world is ending, we feel the pain is going to go on forever or our situation is never going to change. It’s a hard place to be in but in reality no matter how painful a situation you are in or how emotionally stretched you become, you are still alive. And you have the power of perspective. Changing your perspective may not necessarily change anything about your situation, but it can help you see the bigger picture. Reflect on something in your life that could use perspective. What could be the bigger purpose? What might it be teaching you? Allow yourself to be open to seeing the butterflies in your life!

“We fail to realize that mastery is not about perfection. It’s about a process, a journey. The master is the one who stays on the path day after day, year after year. The master is the one who is willing to try, and fail, and try again, for as long as he or she lives.” George Leonard.

How are those New Year’s Resolutions going? Didn’t think anyone still thought about those this far into the year did you? If you feel like you’ve already “fallen off the path,” it’s ok. Remember, change is a process. Just because you may have stopped actively working on your goal doesn’t mean you can’t re-start and keep going. Stopping during a process of change does not equal failure, it just means you need to reflect on what happened and pick up where you left off, or maybe it means you need to create a new plan. You already have 3 months of experience to inform you on what worked and what didn’t. Don’t wait until next year to try again, try again now!

Happy March! If you are like most people, you’re getting tired of winter and are ready for spring to be sprung. You’ve also likely heard of a tradition many people do at the end of winter—spring cleaning! Often this refers to cleaning your home from top to bottom and this is a great way to clear your space of clutter and junk that accumulated over the winter months. It makes sense to spring clean our physical environment, but what about our mental and emotional environments? What about spring cleaning our hearts and letting go of resentments, fears, frustrations, or anger? When we de-clutter our emotional baggage, we have more room to fill up our emotional space with forgiveness and gratitude. By cleaning out the emotional clutter, we have space and freedom to move around and live in the present moment. And what about de-cluttering our relationships? This does not mean to coldly to treat relationships as if they’re objects to be thrown away, but we are all influenced by the people we choose to surround ourselves with. We need to be around people who love and support us, and if there are relationships who are taking away positivity more than adding, it may be time to ponder whether you need to clean that area of your life. That doesn’t necessarily have to mean completely ending relationships, but it does mean putting boundaries in place to keep negativity out and focus on the positive. Happy spring cleaning!