Archive for: Something to Ponder

“We don’t grow when things are easy; We grow when we face challenges.” Joyce Meyer

We don’t grow when things are easy, we grow when we choose to respond differently to challenges. Think about the last time you faced a challenge. How did you respond? Did you do things that made you feel better in the moment but didn’t necessarily resolve the issue long term? Or did you aim to do something different that was uncomfortable in the short term but had positive long term consequences? Short term relief can be things like avoiding talking about a conflict with your partner to avoid feeling uncomfortable, or staying home by yourself and drinking alcohol to avoid feeling anxiety at the social event. These are short term solutions that make us feel better in the moment but don’t help us grow long term and they can eventually have long term negative consequences, like creating a deep rift in the relationship, or causing isolation, depression, and alcohol abuse. Growth happens when you allow yourself to tolerate the discomfort in the moment. If you’re not sure how to do that or the thought of allowing yourself to feel emotions like sadness, anger, shame, etc., overwhelms you, there are resources and strategies that can help you. Talking to trusted friends can help you gain some perspective on how others might handle the situation. Or talking to a therapist can you help you learn how to tolerate uncomfortable feelings. Both these things are challenges in themselves if you’re not used to it and they are not the easy short term solutions, but they have positive long term effects and you will definitely grow as a person!

Read more about tolerating uncomfortable emotions here.

“Most of us lead far more meaningful lives than we know. Often finding meaning is not about doing things differently; it is about seeing familiar things in new ways.” Rachel Naomi Remen

I tend to go back and forth between craving routine and craving change. I love having a daily routine because it gives me a sense of comfort, I know what to expect, and it takes way less energy than having to figure out every next step. But then after a while, I start to get bored with that routine and I want something to change. When that happens, I will incorporate some variety into my routine, like switching up my daily workout or taking a long weekend trip, which tends to be enough of a break in the monotony to scratch that itch. But then other times when I switch things up, it doesn’t seem to give me that same feeling. I realized in those times, I’m not needing to add anything to my life, but I’m looking for something more meaningful amongst what I’m already doing. To find meaning in what we already do, we need to switch our perspectives and see familiar things in new ways. We can do this with anything! For example, I’ve made a mundane chore like flossing my teeth, into an activity I’ve come to love and consider a meaningful part of my routine. At first, flossing was something I wished I didn’t have to spend time on it. So I thought about what it means to floss my teeth, and as someone who really values health and self-care, I started to see flossing as important as exercising and a reflection of what I value (I value putting in time and energy to take care of my body). I started listening to music while I flossed, or did it while I watched tv, and I made the activity enjoyable. It didn’t take long before I started to genuinely enjoy flossing and I stopped seeing it as something that uses up my time, but as something I want to make time for. It’s pretty incredible that we are capable of finding meaning in our lives without changing anything other than our perspective. What meaningful things in your life are you already doing?

Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.” Joshua J. Marine

Want more meaning in your life? Focus on your “sweet spot.” The sweet spot is the area in between our “comfort zone” and “survival zone.” In the comfort zone, tasks seem effortless and we can act with ease, we don’t have a sense that we are struggling but at times we can feel bored. In the survival zone, we are in a constant state of arousal and stress, we don’t feel equipped to handle the tasks. We don’t get to enjoy anything during the process because we are just trying to get through it without falling apart. In the sweet spot, we can feel frustrated but we are not discouraged. The difficulty is not so overwhelming that it paralyzes us, but it’s right on the edge of our ability. It’s in this sweet spot that we learn the best and build our self-esteem.

When seeking out challenges, we want to be like Goldilocks- find something not too easy, not too challenging, but just right. In fact, you can turn most stressful events into something “just right.” Find out how to turn stress into a healthy challenge (as well as the negative long term effects if we stay in survival mode too long) here.

“Failure is simply an opportunity to begin again, this time more intelligently.” Henry Ford.

Well when you put it that way, failure doesn’t seem so scary! The idea of failure is so negative because since grade school we are taught to avoid getting that big red “F” on our tests. But even if we did get that “F” all that meant is that we had to take the test over again, and hopefully we learn what we need to do differently. Failing at something doesn’t mean we have to stop. In fact, a do-over, or even several do-overs, can result in great success. It famously took Thomas Edison over 10,000 tries to invent the lightbulb. A reporter asked Edison how he managed to keep trying after thousands of failures, to which Edison replied, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that didn’t work.”

“If I continue to do what I’ve always done, then I’m going to get what I’ve always got. “ –Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.

I sometimes catch myself grumbling about how something I dislike in my life never changes, like how dishes always manage to pile up in the kitchen even after one day. For a while I was blaming my partner for not cleaning, but then he went away for a weekend where it was just me in the house, and the dishes still piled up. So then I blamed the small size of my kitchen believing that if I only had a bigger kitchen then it would be easier to clean. The more I blamed the mess on something external, the more frustrated I became.

Then I remembered what has now become my mantra: if I  continue to do what I’ve  always done, then I’m  always going to get what I’ve  always got. I finally took a step back and looked at what I  was doing. The problem was that I disliked dishes piling up yet I was not washing/putting away my dishes right after using them and I was allowing them to pile up. I wanted my partner and my kitchen to change for me, but I wasn’t changing myself. So I changed what I had been doing (by the way, it was not easy accepting that I was the cause of my own frustration, I got defensive and wanted to find fault with anything other than myself). I put the dishes away right after using them and the kitchen stayed much cleaner, and I was much happier at the end of the day! I’d like to say that I kept that habit, but I didn’t, the dishes still pile up because I get lazy. But I do feel less irritated about the mess because I feel empowered knowing that if I want something to be different, I can choose to do things differently.

“I hope everybody could get rich and famous and will have everything they ever dreamed of, so they will know that it’s not the answer.” Jim Carrey.

So what is the answer? Maybe we need to look to the people who are at the end of their lives for the answers. A palliative nurse wrote a book called, “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying.” Here they are:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
“This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.”

2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
“This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.”

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
“Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.”

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
“Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.”

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
”This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.”

“Success is neither magical nor mysterious. Success is the natural consequence of consistently applying the basic fundamentals.” Jim Rohn

How many times have we heard someone ask, “what’s the secret to their success?” It’s easy to believe that success is due to some magical secret ingredient, but success is actually a natural consequence of consistently applying the basic fundamentals. Ponder that for a moment…success is a natural outcome…when we consistently apply the basics. Let’s say we want to lose weight. The basic actions of losing weight are being mindful of what we eat and getting enough physical activity every day. Will success come as fast as we want it? Probably not. But there is no magical pill that will make us lose weight faster than is biologically possible. Just like there is no magical pill that can fix a struggling relationship overnight; what can improve the relationship is consistently applying the basics of healthy communication every day. So what are the basic fundamentals of your success?