Archive for: Our Happiness Blog

When I was a kid, Christmas was THE BEST. School was out for a couple of weeks, I was going to get and give some presents, see some once-a-year cousins… awesome! I’d start getting psyched about it before we’d finished the Thanksgiving leftovers.  There was a lot of thinking about what I might do during vacation, planning what I might get and give for Christmas, imagining what cool stuff my older cousins would be into this time.  I had a whole month of excitement building up to the actual day.  Christmas day was always really nice, but what I remember decades later is the excitement leading up to it.

Flip side of the same coin – swim lessons.  I hated them.  Getting water in my ears and eyes and sometimes my nose was THE WORST.  The feeling of dread would creep up the day before so I was grouchy that evening, struggled with sleep that night, and was anxious and irritable for half the next day since lessons were in the afternoon.  They were never as bad as I imagined but I’d already gotten it into my head that swim lessons were my personal hell so 24 hours of every week in the summer was ruined.

In my young mind I thought that Christmas and swim lessons made me feel those things, and since you can’t change Christmas and swim lessons (believe me, I tried) you just have to put up with those difficult emotions. As an adult I realize that though you definitely have to put up with certain outside events, how you anticipate them is up to you.  Sometimes I even remember this in time to turn dread into something tolerable, or if I try really hard, something good.  Give it a shot – repeatedly.  Remember that happiness skills are like any other skills – the more you practice, the better and easier it gets!

Like a tiny flesh-colored Hulk, my toddler rages around his playroom upending everything he can get his hands on because I won’t give him one of my Advil. Suppressing an urge to roll my eyes and explain the difference between Advil and M&Ms, I take a deep breath, pop another Advil, and try extra hard to remember why people Hulk Out.

It’s easy to name this as “anger” and be done with it. But then we’re more likely to respond with our own anger, and two Hulks won’t improve the situation (Season 4, Episode 13 taught us that). Even if our version of anger comes in the muted form of exasperation, irritation, or defensiveness, it doesn’t help us or the other person get to a better place.

Back to my little Hulk.  Certainly, there is anger. The flying bristle blocks and shouts of rage can attest to that. But what’s behind the anger? Taking a deep breath, I slide into his shoes as best I can and feel a sense of powerlessness, sadness, and frustration. He did just hear “no” about ten times in the past five minutes, the cat got away again, and now he can’t have any of Mom’s little candies.  The compassion comes more easily now that I can see these difficult vulnerable feelings behind the big anger.

You don’t need a toddler to get practice with this.  Adults Hulk Out too, just in less obvious ways (usually).  Next time your teenage daughter gives you the cold shoulder, your spouse bites your head off, or you find yourself wanting to snap at complete strangers, take a breath and look for the vulnerable emotions behind the anger. It’s not all that’s needed but it’s the first step to getting back to Happy.

We’ve been old-schooling it with this blog.  It’s 2014 for crying out loud!  What better way to get happy than by using an app?

Happify is an app based on positive psychology research on cultivating happiness.  It helps you develop skills to enjoy the day-to-day more and deal with setbacks.  Based on a few bits of information about you it recommends a skill track to start on.  Their 26 tracks focus on things like positive thinking, being more gentle with yourself, raising happy kids, gratitude, hope, social connection, motivation, self-confidence, goal-setting, etc.  Five basic skills are emphasized: savoring, thanking, aspiring, giving, and empathizing.  You have the option to connect with others using the app (to take advantage of feeling supported and supporting others with their happiness goals) or staying private.  Unfortunately, only the teaser app is free.  To get any real use out of it you need to pay for a membership, starting at a few dollars a month.

There’s also Happier, an app designed to help you develop skills around gratitude and savoring, and also connects you to a happiness community.  Kindr is based on the idea that being kind spreads happiness, and allows you to create unique messages to send to people to brighten their day. Then there are apps that offer inspirational messages or happiness tips.

Or… you can just keep reading this blog.  It’s free and won’t drain your battery!  🙂

“…to construct the tower of happiness outside of ourselves is just the same as to build a house in a place that is consistently shaken by earthquakes.”  – Saint Nektarios of Aegina

I love this quote.  This Greek saint born in the mid 1800’s was trying to tell us what social scientists are currently trying to prove with a lot of research: don’t believe that your happiness is contingent on what’s happening outside of you.  Life is unpredictable but when we remember that happiness resides within us we are less vulnerable to external turmoil.  It’s not that we’re immune to the influences of the world around us – after all, it’s unreasonable to think that when our spouse comes home in a bad mood or when we see something horrible on the news it has absolutely no effect on us.  The point is that we have so much choice in how we react to it.  We don’t have to be pulled into a place of irritability or malaise with our spouse.  We can choose to respond in a way that will maintain our general happiness – maybe acknowledge that it was a tough day for them and they might need extra support, or a great distraction, or time to get over it.  We might use the horrible news story to feel inspired to make change, or feel better about our own lives in comparison.  If we base our happiness on the external world we are vulnerable to devastation by whatever uncontrollable instability comes our way.  Next time you feel like your tower of happiness is really shaken up, take a moment to consider how to re-situate it inside of yourself.

You know that feeling like you’re banging your head against a wall?  We’ve all hit that point of frustration where we wish we could just wave a wand to make it go away.  It comes from trying to control something we’re not actually in control of.  You’re in a debate about something you feel passionate about and the other person is being really stubborn.  You’re trying to make someone like you but they’re somehow immune to your charms.  You want your spouse to follow through with that onerous chore and they just won’t do it. SO FRUSTRATING!  Until you remember… there are only two things we are (largely) in control of: how we think and how we act.  We can’t control how others think, act, or feel (in fact, we can’t even control how we feel – if we could, we wouldn’t struggle with emotions, we’d just change them.  We can, however, adjust our emotions through how we think and behave).  Don’t dismiss how influential you can be on others’ thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, but remember influence isn’t control.  Next time you feel like banging your head against the wall recognize that you’ve slipped into believing you can control something you can’t.  Stop, step back, and remember what you can control – how you think about this and how you respond to it. Let other people control themselves.  Like magic, that frustration will immediately melt away and you can get back to being happy.

Desiderata is a prose poem written by Max Ehrmann in 1927.  It means “desired things” in Latin.  I carried this around on a teeny, tiny piece of paper in my wallet for years and is the closest thing I have to a happiness prescription.  I often forget to follow it and always appreciate re-reading it because I find something newly relevant every time.  Enjoy.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

 it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection.  Neither be cynical about love;

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,

and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

                                                                                                                                                                  -Max Ehrmann

You know that nice, warm feeling you get when you help someone?  Science has proven that it goes beyond simply basking in the belief that we’re a good person.  As far back as 1956, studies have shown that altruistic deeds (doing them or even just watching them) actually trigger the release of endorphins – the body’s natural painkillers that are comparable to morphine.  This phenomenon is known as “Helper’s High” and is supported by brain imaging demonstrating that pleasure areas of the brain light up when simply imagining giving.  Not only that but every time we help someone we get a spike in oxytocin (the “bonding” hormone responsible for making us feel close with our baby after birth and with our partner during sex) which also reduces stress.  High levels of oxytocin have been found in very generous people.  Orphanage studies show that less oxytocin is secreted by young children raised in a neglectful environment than by children raised in loving homes, suggesting that there is a window of opportunity early in life to help create a biology inclined towards empathy and compassion.  More studies on young people further demonstrate causality – teens who volunteer are as a result less likely to use drugs, fail a subject in school, and get pregnant; and they tend to be happier, more socially competent, have higher self-esteem, and lower rates of depression and suicide.  Studies on older people (after factoring out other variables in order to demonstrate causality) show that regularly volunteering leads to overall better mental and physical health and a 44% lower rate of early death.

Not convinced?  Here are a few compelling numbers from surveys on some of the millions of adult volunteers in the US:

• 89% report an improved sense of well-being.

• 73% report lower stress levels.

• 68% report better physical health.

• 77% report enhanced emotional health.

• 92% report an enriched sense of purpose in life.

• 96% report an increased happiness.

“It is one of the beautiful compensations of life that no man can sincerely help another without helping himself.”  – Ralph Waldo Emerson

I was awake from 1:45-3:15am last night and I blame melatonin.

Normally I can make my way around the bedroom and bathroom in the dark without a problem, but last night I knocked something over and had to turn on a dim light to pick it up.  I instantly remembered a study I read yesterday about how even a brief exposure to dim light in the night resets our biological clock, shuts off the release of melatonin (which is what makes us tired), and then it doesn’t necessarily turn back on just because we plunge ourselves into darkness again.

I don’t know if I was awake because I truly screwed up my melatonin release or because I was just obsessing that I might have.  So this morning I thought I would take the opportunity to provide you all with a PSA, because feeling fatigued and lethargic can most certainly affect one’s happiness, especially if it’s a regular thing.

Study upon study indicates that exposure to light – especially blue ray light which is emitted from TVs and monitors of any sort as well as LED light bulbs –  prevents the release of melatonin.  If we’re exposed to it in the hours before bedtime it delays the release of melatonin and if we’re exposed to it in the middle of the night it can actually reset our internal biological clock.  Melatonin allows us to get sleep (which in turn affects our mood, energy level, and general mental health) and studies have suggested that melatonin contributes to a strong immune system, cancer prevention, Alzheimer’s disease, and inflammation.

So all you have to do is avoid all TVs, monitors, and LED lights for a few hours before bedtime and get really good at finding your way to the bathroom in complete darkness.  A small price to pay for increased protection from major illnesses, great sleep, and a mood boost!

“An optimist is the human personification of spring.” – Susan J. Bissonette

Spring fever. Winter blues. What is it about the seasons that affects our mood?  I’m not sure what other professions notice in people when winter starts to recede, but as a psychotherapist I see a distinct improvement in many people’s mood and energy at the first inkling of spring. The weather gets warmer and the sun makes more of an appearance. Leaves come out, grass gets green again, and flowers start to bloom. There’s a distinctly fresh smell in the air, more birds are singing, and people tend to spend more time outside. But why would this translate into feeling good? Does the warmth, the light, the smells, the nature sounds have some chemical effect on us? Maybe it’s biological – some scientists believe the energy increase is due to less melatonin production (the chemical our body makes to help us sleep – released in dark or dim light) when the days are longer. It could be psychological – when there are more daylight hours it seems that we have more time to be productive or enjoy the day. It could be physical – when it’s warm and sunny out people tend to get outside and play and exercise more, releasing more endorphins.

Whatever it is, spring seems to push us into feeling good. Take advantage of it – grab a quick walk during your lunch break, use all your senses to take in the spring, and enjoy the rest of your afternoon feeling a bit happier!