Archive for: Our Happiness Blog

Last week we talked about choosing to interpret a stressor as a challenge rather than a threat. The benefits are immediate (your blood vessels stay nice and relaxed; instead of panicking you are more likely to stay calm and act effectively) and long term (chronically high cortisol levels can lead to problems with digestion, metabolism, endocrine and mental function, high blood pressure, hyperglycemia, loss of bone density, and a suppressed immune response; emotionally you feel constantly stressed). But how do we look at stressors as challenges?

This week’s skill is a cognitive one. First, decide you’re going to view this stressor as a challenge. Don’t try to talk yourself into it, just decide to do it. Then ask yourself these questions:

1. How does this situation challenge me?

2. How can I rise to the challenge?

3. How will I benefit from doing that?

You’re waiting for your job interview to start. Instead of wondering if you have what it takes and stressing out about how bad it would be if you bombed the interview, you decide to view it as a challenge and have this thought process: 1. “This situation challenges me to market myself, which is hard for me.” 2. “I can make good eye contact, connect my strengths with the company’s needs, and ask questions that demonstrate good critical thinking.” 3. “Even if I don’t get the job, practicing those things will make me better at all of them which will help me in future job interviews and other situations where I need to market myself. It’ll also help my confidence and self-esteem.”

This will help you get into a challenge mindset. Next week watch what happens when you assume a power pose!

Next week: power poses

We’ve talked about stress before here but I wanted to bring it up again because the more I dig into the research the more excited I get. I’ll try to keep calm for this post. Any stressor (whether it’s a toddler’s tantrum, a job interview, or someone threatening to fight you) can be interpreted as a threat or a challenge. The threat mindset (“This could hurt me” physically, self-esteem, happiness, etc.) leads to fight or flight symptoms – which are great when you need to fight or flee, but when they’re severe and a response to a social rather than a physical threat it’s just a panic attack and not at all helpful. The challenge mindset: “This is an opportunity for me to practice skills, get a better outcome, feel good about myself.” Now here’s the hard science: cortisol is released as a response to threat and it’s very helpful… except in chronically high doses. Which is what happens when you’re constantly “stressed out” in life. Welcome to Heart Attack City. But when you view something as a challenge, testosterone is released! That’s the dominance and competition hormone. Bring it!

Next week: how to turn your mind toward challenge

Happy 2015 everyone! The last couple of posts talked about New Year’s resolutions. But I started feeling a bit remiss in my happiness duties here as I’ve recently heard over and over again some version of “Goodbye 2014! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” Why is everyone hating on 2014? Was it the economy? The weather? The huge amount of funk that we all got sick with this season? Maybe you experienced loss this year. Maybe there was significant struggle you didn’t expect. Maybe the good stuff you thought should happen, didn’t. Maybe what you really want to do is turn your back on 2014 and anticipate a brighter 2015. But listen – it happened. Let’s try to squeeze every bit of good we can from a year we think we want to forget.

Here’s a belated challenge that I like to do at the end of each year: take a moment to think back on the previous year and come up with all the good stuff that happened. Not just the momentous or obviously wonderful events but also the small joys. And the little silver linings that speckled the tough times. Maybe you can even see the hidden good that could one day come from the painful stuff. See if you can send 2014 off with a hug instead of a kick in the pants. After all, you’re still here so 2014 had at least one redeeming feature.

Last week we looked at some dismal statistics around New Year’s resolutions. But this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make any. Studies show that people who make resolutions are more likely to make changes than those have the same behaviors to change and don’t make resolutions. So it’s not a bad idea to set goals for change, we just have to do it in a healthy and effective way.

Many resolutions are focused on starting new habits. In the excitement of a new year, a new beginning, we tend to want to revamp ourselves and leap ahead to the person we strive to be. We want to start hitting the gym and calling Grandma every Sunday. Not bad habits to start, but take a look at what motivates you to do them. We are more likely to turn a new behavior into a habit if it comes naturally to us, we believe it has value, or we find it enjoyable. We are not likely to develop a habit around behaviors that we do out of guilt or shame, or because someone or something else is pushing us to do it. So call Grandma because you know it makes her happy and you enjoy her stories – not because your mother is making you. Go to the gym because you know it’s important for your health and also because you love your new “Gym 2015 Woooo!” playlist and not because you’d otherwise feel ashamed.

Last bit of advice about making New Year’s resolutions: don’t make 80 of them. Come up with one, maybe two. After all, you’re pretty awesome the way you are.

Of the 45% of Americans who usually make New Year’s Resolutions (38% never do), 8% achieve their resolution, 49% have infrequent success, and 24% fail every year (Norcross, Mrykalo and Blagys (2002). Are these gloomy statistics because Americans are inherently lazy and distractible and just want to sit around watching TV and eating Fritos? No. It’s because we go about setting resolutions all wrong and shoot ourselves in the foot before we can start the race.

First, let’s acknowledge that with resolutions we are striving to become a better person. Yay! But the thrilling thought that with the turn of a calendar page we can be exactly who we want to be is unrealistic. Boo! Since I want to help you be happier in 2015, here are some tips on sticking to your New Year’s resolution.

First, you have to believe you can do it. Next, have a clear, positive goal (“Lose 50 lbs” rather than “Don’t be fat”) and a clear plan. Schedule it on your planner or link it to some other habit you already have and set reminders to do it if you won’t remember. Make it public so people can support you and keep you accountable. Celebrate small successes and anticipate imperfection. And my number one suggestion for crafting a good resolution: make it achievable.

I know, I know. That sounds really boring and who wants to start a new year with a boring goal? But setting an achievable goal means you’re less likely to become overwhelmed and give up on it by February which is what happens to at least half of us. You’ll be ringing in 2016 closer to the person you want to become. If that doesn’t make for a happy new year, I don’t know what does.

Next week: New Year’s Resolutions Part II

A friend shared with me that she’s been feeling kind of “off.” Just not good about herself, slightly irritable and hypersensitive. When we looked more carefully at her life lately, it became apparent that she hasn’t been behaving like the person she wants to be. She’s made excuses to avoid volunteering at her kid’s school though she normally values and enjoys helping with their fundraisers. When she realized she hadn’t paid for some items at the bottom of her grocery cart she chose not to go back and pay, which is unlike her. She normally is very polite to strangers but lately she hasn’t been doing small but important acts of kindness like pausing to let someone else pass through a doorway first.

Sometimes the gap between who we are and who we want to be seems vast. Different things can trigger it – a few nights of poor sleep, struggling with a difficult life event, slipping into the groove of self-focus that can come from even mild anxiety or depression. It can happen as a matter of normal human growth, when you begin to realize who you want to be and that who you are doesn’t quite match. It doesn’t really matter why the gap is there. If we don’t behave like someone we’re proud to be for long enough, we will find that we are unhappy. Fortunately, this is something we can change on a dime. Right now, start being the person you want to be. This very moment, turn towards happiness.

One day in my seventh grade my math teacher gave us a sheet of problems to do as an in-class assignment. Immediately my anxiety kicked in because I didn’t think I could get it all done during the class period. Math wasn’t my best subject – I could do it but it was laborious and difficult. I didn’t want to waste any time so I started plugging away and was shocked when I found myself almost finished and class wasn’t over yet. Somehow, even though I didn’t like this type of math, I found myself in the zone. I wasn’t zooming through but I was getting it done. That sense of success gave me enough hope to push forward and finish by the end of class.

Not a very exciting story (like so many life lessons), but a great learning experience. My main takeaway was that slow and steady can win the race if you get started and stay the course rather than waste time being unhappy and challenging “what is.” Of course, there are times in life when it is crucial to challenge “what is.” Lucky for me, Mrs. Perry’s math class wasn’t one of them.

It’s December 1! You might be counting down to Christmas, Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or maybe to the start of the new year. No matter what you’re counting down to, there’s no better way to tick off the days than with acts of kindness. Whether your tradition includes opening little doors of an advent calendar, lighting candles, or just checking off each day in your planner, consider adding a kindness goal for each day. It might be something simple like “hug someone who needs it.” It might be something that takes a bit more effort like “help someone who is struggling.” It could be specific, for instance, “bring food to someone who is hungry.” You might choose to come up with all the acts of kindness in advance or maybe you decide each day what the next act of kindness will be. Whether you’re doing this alone or with family, spend time reviewing the act of kindness and how it made you and others feel. It’s a great way to keep from getting sucked into all the commercialism and remember the real meaning of the holidays.

Kintsugi means “golden joinery” and is the Japanese practice of repairing broken ceramics with gold lacquer. Instead of discarding damaged pottery they repair it and emphasize the scar, making it a focal point of beauty. They believe that the suffering and damage from a meaningful history is cause for celebration. Using kintsugi to repair the piece renders it more valuable than before.

We’ve all felt broken or damaged at some point. It’s inevitable, unless you don’t plan to go anywhere, say anything, do anything, or meet anyone. So the goal cannot be to avoid getting scarred but rather to make the scars into something meaningful. Like the kintsugi artist we can enhance the beauty and value in our own lives by filling our scars with meaning and gratitude. Figure out your own way of kintsugi-ing your scars and imperfections instead of trying to hide them. Celebrate each one for what it is – a testament to your will to live a life worth living.