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Checking your email; going through your cell phone; these are typical, everyday activities that many people perform. It only becomes an issue when it’s not your email that you’re checking; it’s not your cell phone that you’re going through. But why do we do this? Suspicion. Suspicion of our significant other – suspicion that they’re doing something that they’re not supposed to be doing.

But what causes us to be suspicious? And what happens when our significant other finds out that we are? Here we provide insight into why suspicion may occur, how it may occur, and what impact it has on relationships.

Why Does Suspicion Occur?

About 75% of couples that our couples’ therapists work with have damaged trust. Unfortunately, trust is easy to break, but hard to mend. Mistakes are just a fact of life. But once these mistakes break that trust, spouses find themselves on guard, looking for the next incident of disappointment.

Although there is a higher rate of women who are more likely to be suspicious and act on their suspicion, the rate of men having affairs is only slightly higher than the rate of women having affairs. It would seem that women are just less likely to be caught.

It generally starts with that subconscious gut feeling that something was off, without knowing what or why. Everyone has a “trust detector”, alerting them to suspicion. Just as some car alarms go off when someone merely walks by them, some people have very sensitive trust detectors. Thus, “evidence” of suspicious activities, such as not texting when the person said he/she would, will look different to people with different trust detector sensitivities.

Sometimes suspicion is caused by an act that the targeted spouse did, and sometimes they might not have done anything at all. Suspicion can be caused by a variety of factors: the current partner may have had inappropriate behavior with other people in the past, other couples the suspicious partner knows may have experienced infidelity, and it may even be that a partner wasn’t there in a time of need, or had made a major decision without consulting the suspicious partner. Partners may work late a lot, not come home when they said they would, be secretive about phone calls, have a sudden interest in their own appearance, change their spending habits or how they spend their time, or not be as engaged in the relationship as they usually are.
Sometimes a partner may be suspicious because of his/her own past relationships. In this case, it’s important that he/she acknowledges what effects the past hurts from his/her life are having on him/her currently. You can do that by looking at when you are the most suspicious of your current partner, and looking back to see if there are any similarities to what happened in that previous relationship. For example, if a woman had a past partner who was seeing another woman when he told her she was out with the guys, she might notice that she may freak out a little bit when her current partner has a guys’ night.

Identifying such patterns may indicate that your past relationship is interfering with your current one. At this point, you have to call it for what it is. So I call them artifacts. You can call it an artifact from my past, and recognize it’s a self-protection method that you’re just over-applying to the current relationship. Then you look at your current relationship to see if you have any evidence to really be suspicious of your partner, and sort out the suspicion that’s justified and what’s not.

And sometimes, people feel suspicious without having a past history of someone hurting them. Whether or not past history is involved, it’s really helpful to communicate to your partner that you’re having some thoughts of suspicion, and then to brainstorm together what would help you feel safer. For example, maybe you could say “Hey, look, so I’ve been watching a lot of ‘CSI’ lately. I’m feeling a little suspicious. Is there something that we can do to help me feel a little safer for the time being, until this passes?” This way both you and your partner knows what’s going on and why, and can brainstorm together to figure out what reasonable changes may help you feel a little safer until the suspicion passes.

We see couples who’ve had an affair in their relationship and couples who haven’t had an affair, but they haven’t built up their trust yet from a previous affair. Generally couples who have a suspicious personality (when they’re suspicious, but nothing’s happened yet) tend to do a little better because it’s a little bit easier to recognize, whereas the couples who have had something in their past need to do more work to get through that.

The Effects of Suspicion on a Relationship

When suspicion begins interfering in a relationship, the suspicious spouse may be very accusatory towards his/her partner, leading to arguments, feelings of disconnection, and withdrawal from a relationship.

Targeted spouses can feel really misunderstood and hurt that their partner doesn’t assume the best about them. And anyone who is constantly being accused of misbehaving will most likely react negatively, whether he/she is misbehaving or not. Constantly being accused causes confusion, and most people don’t tolerate it well in relationships. So the targeted spouse will get angry, the suspicious spouse interprets that as guilt and it makes him/her even more suspicious, causing the other spouse to get angrier, and so on and so forth.

How the relationship is affected when a partner finds out his/her partner is watching them depends on how the targeted partner interprets it. Taking a second to pause in that confusion of why would my partner spy on me, the targeted partner can try to understand his/her partner’s suspicion. Doing things to understand the suspicion, such as talking about it with the partner, will hurt the relationship a lot less. Conversely, if they’re instantly offended by not being trusted, then it’s going to create a downward spiral and no ones going to feel safe.

If you have a suspicious partner, it’s important that you don’t react with anger, but try to understand that the suspicion might not have anything to do with you. It’s something that you can help your partner through and brainstorm with them ideas to help them feel safer.
All in all, just don’t do anything you wouldn’t want your partner to know about. Life is just so much easier that way.

We cover many aspects of an affair, including why they occur, what impact they have on a couple, and how a couple can recover from them.

Why Do Affairs Occur?

Some people have had brief, one-time affairs and others have had longer, multiple-time affairs. One-time affairs are generally less discovered. When a spouse cheats multiple times, there may be an emotional reason underlying it.

Stereotypically, men tend to have affairs when they’re not sexually satisfied at home. They may not feel needed by their spouse and/or may lose some sense of self in the relationship. Women are stereotyped as having affairs because they feel an emotional disconnection from their spouse. However, it’s important to note that these stereotypes are just that – stereotypes; men may have affairs due to emotional reasons and women may have affairs due to sexual reasons.

When Are Affairs Most Common?

• First Year of Marriage
  The first year of marriage is a transition period. People need to adjust to cohabitating with another person (if they haven’t already lived together previously) and to the idea that they’re going to be with someone forever. This struggle is an unexpected one as people generally feel that their first year of marriage will be a happy one filled with love. This period usually involves one-time affairs and generally goes unnoticed by the other partner.
• After Babies Are Born
  Couples tend to feel a difference in either an attraction to their partner or their perception of their partner’s attraction to them. They also find themselves having to balance exhaustion from the baby (leading to less sexual intimacy) and coping with the fact that there’s another person around that they love as much as their partner. Men may see their wives more maternally and less sexually attractive. And women may be less secure about their attraction to their husbands, feel a disconnection from their husbands, and see less of them.
• “7 Year Itch”
  After 7 years, couples have already defined and deepened their relationship with each other. However, after meeting a lot of their common goals (ex. having children, buying a home), many partners tend to wonder what’s left. Divorce often occurs or is brought up, and clinicians may see a lot of couples in the 5-7 year period.
  “Mid-Life Crisis” Period
  Similar to the “7 Year Itch” period, partners in this period tend to reassess what they’re doing with their lives. They tend to look for ways to get more excitement, and infidelity may be one of those ways. This period has a high rate of divorce.

These latter two periods are where longer affairs that are more damaging to relationships occur. This is when people are people are really looking for an emotional connection elsewhere, and have a lot of work to go through therapeutically. The first two periods are more stress related affairs.

What Are the Effects of An Affair?

Different people will have different reactions to an affair. Some react with anger or rage, going to therapy as a “last ditch effort” to salvage anything from a relationship. Some partners want to know every detail about an affair, where others don’t. An affair can shatter relationships, but if used as an opportunity to honestly examine a relationship, they can strengthen them too. Really examining their relationship and identifying what’s going on and why it’s happening – finding areas that they can work on – couples can actually build trust and understand their relationship better.

How Do You Get Through An Affair?

Affairs feel like one of the worst things that can happen in a relationship. While some couples do end their relationship after an affair, 30% of couples do recover from it.

One of the primary reasons people come in for therapy is to try and make things work and get past an affair-related issue. We have observed that couples who survive an affair tend to display two factors in how they work together:

1. The partner who’s had the affair truly feels remorse for the act and has a true sense of empathy for their partner
2. Both partners have to accept their part in the affair

The second factor tends to be harder for the person who’s been cheated on, but it’s important to remember that affairs happen for a reason. Both partners need to look specifically at their communication patterns, intimacy level, etc.

Any relationship has the potential to recover from an affair, regardless of its nature. There are 5 steps to rebuilding:

1. Empathy/Forgiveness
   Both spouses need to be able to have empathy for one another and forgive each other. It’s important to set aside time at the beginning to focus on the partner who has been cheated on to be able to feel validated in their pain.
2. Rebuilding Trust
   Both partners need to define what trust is and identify the level of trust in the relationship. The partner who has been cheated on may name things that the other partner could do to show their effort in attempts to let them rebuild that trust.
3. Identifying Patterns
   Both partners should honestly examine their patterns of communication, intimacy, child-rearing, house cleaning, etc. What are areas that could be improved upon to deepen emotional connection and improve interaction?
4. Re-identify Positive Roots of the Relationship
   Every relationship began for a reason. What initially attracted you to this person and what brought your relationship together? Return to these initial reasons and find ways to bring back that newness into the relationship.
5. Willingness to Work
   Both partners need to be dedicated to moving forward with the relationship.

Although affairs can feel like an end to a relationship, people who are committed to working on the relationship can move forward and get past the affair.

Here we discuss how spouses can go about telling their spouses they’ve had an affair, and what they might expect.

Why Tell a Spouse in the First Place?

Affairs, physical and emotional alike, have a major impact on a relationship as they undermine the foundation of trust that relationships are built on. So if an affair is over, why tell?

An affair will create a wedge between spouses. It’s important that the offending spouse takes responsibility for his/her actions and tell the offended spouse. If not, then there’s a risk that the offended spouse will find out another way, which will undermine that trust even further.

Important Things to Keep in Mind

Spouses differ in how much they want to know, from wanting to know nothing to wanting to know everything. When telling a spouse, remember to…

1. CHOOSE A TIME AND LOCATION
Make sure you have enough privacy and time to talk about it.

2. SPEAK PLAINLY
It’s a difficult situation, but don’t talk around it or belittle it. Be clear about what happened!

3. GIVE YOURSELVES PRIVACY
The spouse needs an opportunity to express themselves completely and fully take in what you’re saying in a private setting.

It’s important for the offended spouse to state how much information they want to know. Often times, the offended spouse won’t want to know a lot about the affair initially because they’re so overwhelmed.

Spouse’s Reactions

The offended spouse’s reactions can be anywhere from silence to relief to anger to violence. And his/her emotional reaction is similar to how anyone might respond to a traumatic situation, such as numbness, shock, sadness, and anger. It all depends on the type of person the spouse is and how he/she is feeling at the moment. Regardless, it’s important that the offended spouse needs to be able to express him/herself however he/she needs to in the moment (excluding physical).

What About a Third Party?

When a spouse has an affair, the trust between spouses has been broken. Often times, the offended spouse will be inclined to police their spouse to keep tabs on him/her. Thus, it might be beneficial to bring in a third party. This should be a mutual third person who is willing to meet on a regular basis at least once a week. This person should follow through in ensuring the affair has ended and should provide encouragement and relief to the offended spouse.

Can Our Relationship Ever Recover?

The offending spouse has made a series of bad decisions, but if he/she takes responsibility for his/her actions by stepping forth and being sincerely remorseful about the affair, healing is more likely to occur. Alternately, if the offended spouse finds out about the affair first ad confronts the offending spouse, and then the trust is broken even further.

No one ever forgets about an affair, but some do forgive. Some couples break up, but some heal and grow stronger. Affairs cause ruined relationships and side effects, but they also can be caused by breakdowns in the relationship such as deterioration of communication, sharing, and intimacy. As affairs are a result of conscious choices made by the offending spouse, forgiveness is a result of conscious choices made by the offended spouse.

In couples therapy we so often hear of the negative consequences of smartphones on the closeness of a couple. “He’s always on his phone when we’re eating.” “She won’t get off Facebook to have a conversation with me.” “The text was so short and curt, I had no choice but to think you were annoyed with me.” And all these are viable issues that can cause chasms in relationships. However, there are also new and profound ways to use technology in the service of the relationship, rather than its detriment. Many app developers have realized the potential to use the computers we carry around in our pockets and purses all day to improve planning, intimacy, and connection. Here’s a sampling of the most helpful:

Avocado – Couples can use Avocado to create shared to-do lists, grocery lists, or send private messages to each other. They can create personal emoticons and upload quick notes such as “I love you” or “Be home soon.” Relationship milestones can even be archived and exported to other social media outlets. The app was interestingly named as the only fruit to grow in pairs, as the trees only produce the fruit when in proximity of another tree.

Fix-A-Fight – Developed by a clinical psychologist, this app walks people through arguments toward successful resolutions. It includes self-soothing technique suggestions, functionality designed to help identify and communicate emotion, and offers “quick fixes” for each step in the repair process.

Cozi – This free app provides a centralize location for a lot of the planning that’s required in running a household. You can input kids’ school schedules, make to-do and grocery lists, and assign chores with it. It integrates with Google calendar, and even includes release dates for movie night.

The Gottman Apps – The country’s most renowned couples researchers, Drs. John and Julie Gottman, have released their set of ten free apps as well, designed to increase intimacy and logistic coordination between couples. These include Give Appreciation, Expressing Needs, Affection and Lovemaking, Sex Questions to Ask Your Man and Sex Questions to Ask Your Woman. These Apps are grounded in the Gottmans’ research and are excellent augmentations to couples therapy.

With these apps, it’s possible to turn the power of smartphones from a divisive force in a relationship to a unifying tool.

CONFLICT SKILLS FOR RELATIONSHIPS (OR, HOW TO STAY ON THE TEAM)

 Conflict. It’s a part of every intimate relationship. Sometimes it feels like it’s a big part – too big.   Often, the same issue comes up over and over and you feel like you’re beating your head against the wall. Sometimes it seems like you and your partner are on two different teams. Take heart – you’re in good company. According to relationship researcher John Gottman, 69 percent of every couple’s arguments are about perpetual problems, meaning those issues are here to stay. But that doesn’t mean they have to cause so many conflicts.

 Let’s start with resolvable problems, which make up the other 31 percent of relationship conflict. These include issues like who picks the kids up from soccer practice and how to decide which house to buy. We all try to resolve these problems, and sometimes we even try different things, and it still doesn’t work! The first thing to consider here is how you start talking about it. This especially applies to women who bring up an issue 80 percent of the time. You want to use a soft startup, because starting with anger or criticism is likely to put your partner into defensive mode immediately. “Soft” doesn’t mean “hesitant” or “wishy-washy,” it simply means respectful. You can imagine your partner’s response to, “I can’t believe you didn’t put the dog food away! Now he’s torn into the bag. Great.” Starting with “I” forces you to own your feelings instead of blaming your partner for them: “I’m annoyed the dog got into the bag of dog food. Can you please put it away after you feed him? Or try being lighthearted: “Thanks for feeding the dog. Don’t forget to put the bag away when you’re done, otherwise Roofus gets a free-for-all.” It’s easier to do this when you remember that your partner probably does a whole lot more right than wrong.

 Accepting influence is a critical skill that men tend to struggle with more than women. What it doesn’t mean: letting your partner call the shots. What it does mean: remembering that you married a partner, someone who you respect and value. Of course you want them to make you think! This skill can be particularly hard to use when in conflict, but as with all conflict skills, that’s when it matters most. If you can listen to your partner, consider what they’re saying, and give the occasional, “I see what you mean” or “good point,” you are more likely to find yourself facing a teammate at the end of a discussion rather than an enemy at the end of a fight.

 It’s important to be able to de-escalate during an argument because it keeps things from getting out of control. To do this one issues repair attempts, and they can come in many forms: taking a break when things get too heated, using humor to lighten the situation, apologizing. Gottman compares repair attempts to rumble strips on the side of the road: it warns everyone that the team is going off course, and gives you a chance to get back on track. Accepting influence during an argument can take it down a notch (or three).

 Compromise is another critical skill. When headed into compromise you should know what you must have and what you would merely prefer. It requires great respect for your partner who will also come to the table with must-haves. Compromise includes sharing power, meeting in the middle, and sometimes being creative. Do you really HAVE to have dinner at the Italian place tonight when your partner really wants Thai? Maybe you could try that that new burger/sushi fusion restaurant and satisfy everyone. Or maybe you go to their place tonight and your place next week. Above all, compromise means not trying to win. Your goal is to have both people feel like winners as much as possible. Otherwise you’re in a competition, not a relationship.

 But what about the other 69 percent of relationship conflicts? How do we deal with those? Perpetual problems arise from differences in needs and personality. For example, a couple with one strong extrovert and one strong introvert might frequently battle about how often they go to large social gatherings, how long they stay, if they should drive separately in case one wants to leave early, etc. Using soft startups, repair attempts, compromise, and accepting influence each and every time there’s an Evite in your inbox is going to get tiresome and isn’t likely to be effective. Those skills need to be used, but they’re not enough. The addition of two more skills leads to real success with perpetual problems: dialogue and acceptance. If you can keep up a neutral or positive dialogue about the perpetual problem you can avoid gridlock, where there’s either icy silence or unproductive arguing. Gridlock will block progress and breed negativity. It’s easier to avoid gridlock if you’ve accepted this unwanted behavior or mindset of your partner. He’s turned on every single light in the house again? Your closet looks like a bomb made of all her clothes hit it? Try looking at it with amusement, a mental eye roll with a head shake and a smile, and remember that your partner is NOT this quirk. This quirk is just a small part of your partner.

 One last point, and this is crucial: remember that you two are a team. Consider all these skills and imagine using them under two conditions – with someone you see as being on your team and with someone you see as working against you. No matter the problem, it is far easier to approach it with someone you see as your teammate. When the relationship feels really hard and you don’t know whether to throw a tantrum or throw in the towel – take a deep breath, take a pause, remember you’re not alone, and think of this Motto: Never pass up a chance to be on the team.

The Role of the Mental Health Professional in Collaborative Divorce:

New and Innovative or Just New Packaging?

By: Dr. Tina Lepage

            Collaborative divorce (CD), which has been around for a little over 10 years, includes mental health professionals (MHPs) as part of the process under the labels of child specialist and divorce coach. Mental health professionals have also worked for many years under their typical label of therapist in the adversarial model of divorce and in mediation. Let’s look first more closely at the roles as they are defined in CD, and then compare them to the traditional roles of MHPs in divorce.

            In crafting what the roles of MHPs would look like in CD, it became important to the architects to be clear that MHPs in CD were not acting as therapists and the process was not therapy. Parties would not be expected to discuss their childhood, and the focus would be on the here-and-now. Divorce is not a disease, and the average client probably would not warm to being told he or she must have a therapist. Instead there would be a coach and child specialist, licensed MHPs specially trained in how these roles are utilized in the collaborative process. Their interventions would be designed to help the CD process stay on track to reach an agreement in a timely manner and in a manner intended to be emotionally healthy. A description of these roles will help you picture how they are utilized.

            The divorce coach is an amazingly helpful role, which is interesting since people sometimes have a hard time envisioning the role the coach plays. Coaches prepare clients for successful amicable negotiation of an agreement. They help clients identify underlying emotions and needs/interests/concerns so that clients can prioritize issues and be fully prepared for meetings. They also help clients develop a plan for effective communication of the importance of those issues. As part of that process coaches learn the client’s unique impediments to effective problem resolution (we all have some!) and prep the client to get past those so meetings can be effective. For example, they can teach patience, timing, or assertiveness in communication as needed, or teach temper control to achieve less confrontational meetings. A coach might also create a private signal for the client, such as a brief hand on the shoulder, to cue the client and remind him or her of skills they practiced.

            Coaches also help clients handle emotional issues that might interfere with the settlement process so each person can think clearly about the future, prioritize issues, communicate effectively, and move forward. Thus the coach can help clients deal with such feelings as sadness, anger, fear, frustration, etc., that are impeding the ability to settle. Overall, the coach will work closely with clients in many ways to aid their development and effective utilization of skills needed to deal with critical issues involving the divorce. In addition, when children are involved, coaches may also hear the feedback from a child specialist and assist clients in developing a parenting plan. They can then coach clients in cooperative, amicable co-parenting.

            While concerns about finances conjure up many emotions, there is perhaps nothing more emotional than the concern of parents regarding what will happen with their children. Parents worry about how their children will cope with the divorce, how much less time they will have with their children than when they lived in the same home, how the parent-child relationships will be affected, and how the children will feel about whatever custody schedule is decided upon. Yet in traditional divorce the children’s voices are typically not formally part of the process.

            The child specialist in CD is a neutral who meets with each child to check in on what the child is feeling and thinking about the divorce. The child feels respected as this meeting provides recognition that the child is experiencing a huge life change, too, and will have feelings and thoughts about that which should be heard. The child specialist shares that discussion with the parents and is able to bring the voice of the child to any impasses regarding child issues. This often helps parents get past the disagreement. Another important role the child specialist plays is to provide information on divorce and children, generally. The child specialist should be knowledgeable about the current research on children and divorce, along with parenting plans appropriate for different developmental stages, and how to help children get through the divorce with as little stress and pain as possible. As with the divorce coach, the child specialist can also help parents come to agreement on a parenting plan and develop skill in cooperative and amicable co-parenting.

            What does this all actually look like in practice? Parties meet in the MHP’s office — either individually with their own coaches or together with one coach — to attend to all of the above, and, similarly, children and parents meet in the MHP’s office with the child specialist. There are also sessions referred to as full team meetings when coaches and/or the child specialist will meet with the parties and their attorneys.

            Now let’s look at roles MHPs have traditionally performed for clients going through divorce, roles that have included custody evaluator, child specialist, and both parental and child therapist. First, the role of custody evaluator bears no similarity to any MHP role in CD. No one is evaluated in CD, nor does the psychologist make recommendations as to custody schedules. On the other hand, the role of child specialist in CD bears many similarities to how it has been for decades. For many years prior to CD, and still among parties using traditional divorce or mediation, it is common for parents to come to a child specialist to discuss divorce and their children. Sometimes they seek out advice on their own, and sometimes their attorneys or a mediator suggest they see a specialist. Parents worry about how their children will be affected by divorce and want to discuss specifics, such as how to tell the children about their decision to separate or broader concerns, such as how to protect the children during this life transition. They might also use the time with a neutral skilled in difficult communication (therapist) to agree upon a parenting plan and talk about co-parenting. What differs in CD with the child specialist role is the specific emphasis on the voice-of-the-child, and the inclusion of the child specialist in team meetings.

            The role of therapist has historically been a broad role in divorce. MHPs who are educated and trained in child therapy provide supportive therapy to children and teenagers. Adults seek out MHPs for supportive therapy as well, and to assist with any feelings of depression, anxiety, anger, etc. they may be experiencing. While divorce is not a disease, it is a highly stressful time, and it is fair to say many adults going through divorce meet criteria for an Adjustment Disorder. This is defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR) as the development of clinically significant emotional or behavioral symptoms in response to an identifiable stressor, and divorce is one of the most common examples of such a stressor.

            So what does it mean when we say, “to provide therapy?” The idea that therapy is primarily focused on the past and analyzing the effect of one’s childhood on the self is outdated and has been for some time. That certainly can be a focus of therapy if the client so wishes, and can be very beneficial, but clients often present with a here-and-now focus. Clients going through separation very often want to address their emotions as they affect the present so they can start feeling better day-by-day. Their hope is that this will help them cope better with the divorce process and contribute to emotional stability in the future. People going through divorce may want help clarifying their thoughts on their positions, which therapists do by helping them understand the underlying meaning of their wants and the emotions surrounding them. They often want to get their presentation of those thoughts straight so they can more effectively communicate what they wish to explain in meetings. Whether a client has a temper, or trouble speaking up, the therapist will help them identify behavioral triggers and develop coping skills for use in difficult conversations. Accordingly, the therapist will help them either calm down or be more assertive. As with the child specialist role, the role of the divorce coach bears many similarities to the role of a therapist. What differs most is the strong focus of the coach’s role on helping parties reach agreement, and the inclusion of the divorce coach in team meetings.

            The question one can ask is: are these differences of roles significant?

            The portions of the child specialist role that have to do with helping parents be best able to help their children through the process and with discussing parenting plans are not new. But they can seem new to MHPs who have not already worked for years in traditional divorce, and the trainings offered around these topics are often terrific, which is to say it is really good and useful new packaging.

            As a child psychologist I cannot give enough professional praise to the original architects of the voice-of-the-child concept. This is new and innovative as a piece to be built into the process, and it respects children of all ages. Divorce is a major life event that children have no control over when it happens to them; it becomes a chapter in their life they will tell over and over again as they form friendships and intimate partnerships (i.e., “the story of when my parents divorced”). The meeting with the child specialist allows children to be heard in a developmentally appropriate way, and so often I have seen results in a stronger parent-child bond through the process because parents understand their children better and the child feels heard. As adults we all know we like to feel heard, and children are no different. Also, children have some great ideas, and keeping their voices in their parents’ minds can help keep meetings grounded when hostilities flare. This is not new in that some parents chose to have this type of meeting with their children and a therapist before CD existed; CD did not invent this interaction, it built it into the CD process and highlighted its importance, which is significant.

            The vast majority of the divorce coach role includes things MHPs have been doing forever with clients going through divorce; that is, the coaching with the parties is not necessarily all that different than therapy with a client (which can also be done individually or as a couple). Clients have presented to therapists for years asking for the same things built into the coaching process in CD. Therein lies the new and innovative piece: it is not so much what the MHP can do with the person, but rather that the role is embedded in the process. Being embedded in the process has some important meaning. As such the MHP is supposed to keep the focus of coaching moving in a direction that clearly assists the person in getting to settlement. A therapist very well might try to re-focus a client who presented with a certain goal and was off track, but, generally, the client determines the focus of therapy. Similarly, the client still essentially determines the focus in CD by engaging the therapist as someone to help keep the process on track. Also, importantly, because they are embedded in the process the professionals working in CD have developed a shared language. More typically communication between legal professionals and MHPs has been and still is cross-cultural communication. As professionals we work together more effectively when we know what we are each talking about.

            Having MHPs in team meetings is also new. Traditionally MHPs work alone with the client and then, if the client wishes, communicate what happened in session to attorneys. What underscores these roles in CD and is also new and innovative is the idea that MHPs need to be a central part of the divorce process, and that is very significant. A primary developer of CD, Stu Webb, has related that soon into that journey of development he had an ‘ah-ha’ moment, realizing divorce is 80% emotional, and thus he believed the real work of divorce would be better handled by MHPs.

            So, is the role of the mental health professional in collaborative divorce new and innovative or just new packaging? The new and innovative aspects of these roles are that (1) they are embedded in the process, which gives them a new level of attention and importance, that (2), in turn, has resulted in the roles being used in a more organized way and interventions within the roles being more defined. The result is a more ‘manualized’ approach, which often leads to increased effectiveness of interventions. For example, therapists for decades talked to clients about how their thoughts and behaviors impacted their feelings, but once that procedure was well defined as ‘cognitive-behavioral therapy’ understanding of it and its use in interventions grew and it became highly effective. Interestingly, the roles can be incorporated into mediation or used by clients in the traditional divorce process, and are in no way exclusive to CD. There are large parts of the roles that are just new packaging; however, new packaging can be good! Sometimes a new look and new language to describe something gives it the appeal necessary to help people realize they needed it all along.

(This article is published in the November 2012 edition.)

How to Help Your Child be a Successful Student

It takes more than being smart to succeed in school. Many bright kids struggle in school for a variety of reasons including difficulties with organization, attention, and time management. Here are some strategies you can implement now to help your child start the school year off right and achieve academic success.

 1.      Does your child often get points deducted for turning in their work late?

Unfortunately many kids’ grades end up reflecting their disorganization rather than their knowledge of the content. The first step is to sit down with your child to determine why this is happening. Are they forgetting their work at home? Do they forget to turn it in during class? Do they forget to do the assignment? Once the cause is identified, you and your child can come up with a strategy that is individualized to their struggle. Some kids benefit from having a dedicated folder to put their completed homework in each evening. Other kids, who can’t find their materials in their messy binder, do well with a loose paper folder. They can put their handouts, class work, and such in this folder instead of rushing and shoving the papers in their backpack or binder. The most crucial component of this strategy is that they consistently allocate 5 minutes each evening to sort through the papers and put them where they go.

 2.      Does your child wait until the last minute to get projects, papers, or studying for tests done? 

Sometimes assignments are so overwhelming it is hard to know where to start. Help your child with the skill of ‘partializing’ tasks. Break down the paper into its component parts, with step one being as basic as identifying a topic. After the assignment is broken down into small steps, have your child make a list of materials/resources needed for each step as well as a due date for each part. These self-imposed due dates should be transferred into their assignment notebook to keep them on track as they do their homework each day.

 3.   Does your child accuse you of nagging when you try to help them improve their grades?

Direct them to various online resources and have them choose a few they will commit to trying. Inspiration (https://www.inspiration.com) is a graphic organizer program which helps win the writing and brainstorming process. Quizlet (https://quizlet.com/) is a great tool for studying for tests. Livescribe (https://www.livescribe.com) is a helpful device for kids who have trouble taking notes in class. Electronic reminders can be programmed onto smart phones or computers to help remember things like putting the homework folder in the backpack. Sometimes outside help is also beneficial. Tutors can be helpful when your child struggles with a particular subject. There are also programs that can help develop academic skills. The Successful Student offers a six week course that teaches children to manage their time, get organized and learn the skills needed for academic success.

Written by: Jennifer Viemont