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We often think of eating disorders/disordered eating as an adolescent or adult problem, but they can occur in young children, too, and the health complications can be quite harmful. Studies have shown the age at which children have been concerned about their body size and body image has been declining. Also, children of any age may overeat in our society of fast and processed food, and children of any age may use eating as emotional comfort or as a means to exert control. Thus even elementary school children can need help with disordered eating. The following symptoms are associated with food restriction (which can result in malnourishment and affect healthy development), or over-eating and binge-eating. Physical symptoms include weight loss, weight gain and obesity, intolerance to hot or cold temperatures, dehydration, amenorrhea (irregular or absent menstruation), lanugo (fine layer of hair-like “peach fuzz”- growing over arms, chest, face, and back in order to insulate the body), electrolyte imbalance, calluses on hands, dizziness, fatigue, sore throat, tooth decay, mouth ulcers, and tension headaches. Chronic emotional distress, lower self-esteem, anhedonia (loss of pleasure in activities), anxiety, and peer victimization are common psychological factors that both underweight and overweight children and adolescents often experience.

Potential difficulties that require early intervention:

1. Eating habits tend to be secretive as they are associated with guilt and shame.
2. Lack of resources (i.e. time, money) to obtain nutritious foods.
3. In comparison to adults, children and adolescents are not as likely to view their eating behaviors as problematic; they are also less aware of the short and long term health effects of disordered eating/eating disorders.
4. Children and adolescents are less likely to ask for help because they view their behaviors as either necessary or even helpful.
5. With regards to food restriction, adults may think that the child or adolescent is merely going through a passing stage and believe it is best not to intervene.
6. Adults are not sure how to intervene and are often criticized or treated with hostility by their child if they do try to intervene.

What to look for:

1. Restricted food intake.
2. Eating excessive amounts of food past the point of fullness (either following a period of restriction or following a period of normal eating).
3. Secretive eating.
4. Engaging in food rituals (i.e. taking an excessively long time to eat food because time is spent cutting up food into tiny pieces, rearranging the food on the plate, hoarding foods, chewing food but then spitting it out).
5. Cooking for others and not eating the food.
6. Excessive time spent reading cook books and dieting tips.
7. Increased irritability, sadness, or distress around mealtimes.
8. Drenching foods in fat free/low calorie condiments (i.e. mustard, vinegar).
9. Frequent weighing of oneself.
10. Excessive exercise.
11. Wearing extremely tight fitting clothes to show off body or wearing extremely baggy clothes to hide body.
12. Going to the bathroom after most meals.
13. Increasingly isolated behaviors.
14. Denial of hunger despite severe food restriction.
15. Expressions of guilt or shame after eating.

What you can do: The earlier the intervention, the greater likelihood of establishing healthy and adaptive eating habits.

1. Work together as a family by trying to approach the problem with a team effort.
2. Don’t blame yourself or your child; disordered eating and eating disorders have many causes and parents are often paralyzed by fears that they “did something to cause the problem.”
3. Take care of yourself and reflect on your own values, beliefs, views regarding food and body image.
4. If necessary, create a treatment team (child, parents, therapist, dietician, personal trainer, etc.).
5. Try not to label foods as “bad” or “good” and encourage your child to try a variety of foods that can “fuel” his or her body.
6. If your child either over exercises in isolation or is resistant to all exercise, take a group approach. Encourage your child to participate in exercise activities with others (i.e. a family hike, joining a team sport, etc.).

Dr. Tina Lepage Answers Questions from Carolina Parent magazine on
CHILDREN AND BODY IMAGE: HOW PARENTS MATTER

(1) Given today’s powerful and omnipresent cultural and media stereotypes about bodies and beauty, do you think parents have any control over how children and adolescents feel about their bodies? Please explain.

Actually, parents have a lot of control over how children and adolescents feel about everything, their bodies included. For example, studies have found that the messages that parents give to their child have more influence on the child’s thoughts and behaviors than messages they get from peers. So parents can help combat unhealthy media and cultural messages about body image by providing healthy messages within the home.

(2) In what ways do a parent’s body image “issues” affect and/or determine those of his or her children? Is it more common for children to have the same or different body image issues as their parents?

In terms of overall self-image, on an internal level children see themselves as half mom and half dad. Thus if mom or dad has a poor body image, the child is at risk for having concerns about his or her own body, and for having low self-esteem around this issue. More specifically, children identify closely with the same sex parent in terms of their vision of what it means to be a man/boy or woman/girl. Since girls are more vulnerable to body image issues (due to societal pressures), and girls take their primary cues from their mom’s attitude about body image stuff, it is especially important for moms to reflect in their words and actions a healthy attitude about their bodies. Conversely, if mom and dad have a positive and healthy body image, the child is more likely to feel good about his or her own body, even in the face of cultural and media images that hold up unrealistic and sometimes even unhealthy body images. However, even with the best body images within the home, parents do need to also provide information to counteract the media and culture.

(3) What are the keys to establishing/nurturing a child’s healthy body image? How early should parents start? Is this a planned process or does it just happen?

There is both some planning and “it just happens” around nurturing a positive body image for your child. The “it just happens” part is what I spoke of above, wherein the parents’ body images have an effect on the child’s developing sense of self. In terms of when to start, it is never too early to nurture a positive body image (and positive self-image overall), though the key is to not have a high focus on the body and instead chose things that flow naturally into conversation. Here are some hints: (1) refrain from making negative comments about people’s bodies in general, and instead focus on the positive and on compliments versus tearing people down, (2) focus on health versus body size, for example, talk about healthy eating versus dieting and exercising for heart and body health versus to lose weight, (3) institute healthy eating and exercise into your family routine, (4) talk about looking healthy versus looking skinny, thin or fat, and (5) compliment your child regularly.

(4) Thinking specifically about ages 10-14, what are the major body image issues and how can parents best support a healthy attitude?

By this age of 10-14, children are very aware of the societal pressure to be thin and attractive, and this includes both boys and girls. The major body image issue for girls is thinness, which can be very difficult to deal with at this age as puberty sets in. This is also an issue for boys, and though there is less pressure to be “rail thin”, there is still pressure to be thin in general and to be “good looking”. The second major issue is more a broad area of the pressure to be attractive, which goes beyond the issue of thinness to things like nose size, acne, wearing clothes that are “in”, etc. Parents can support a healthy attitude by (1) having a healthy body image themselves, (2) having a healthy family lifestyle, (3) regularly providing information to counteract what the children see in the media, and (4) teaching the importance of character, personality, and accomplishments over external looks (for example, focusing more on compliments and positive feedback around positive character behaviors, such as helping a friend, doing one’s chores, trying one’s best at school, etc., and accomplishments, such as learning to ride a bike, or doing well in school, etc.).

Want To Get the Perfect Gift For Your Partner or Child?
Match It To Their Love Language!

Oh, how I love thee, but how should I show you the ways? Christmas is fast approaching and you may feel pressured to choose a gift your partner or child will like. One of the love hot topics that we’ve seen when working with couples is partners feeling at a loss about how to demonstrate their love in a meaningful way to their partner. For example, have you ever gone out of your way to cook a special meal for your partner and been less than impressed with their appreciation (or lack thereof)? Or maybe you tell your partner you love him or her frequently but they still seem unsure of your feelings for them?

According to Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, this is because we often show our partners how we feel about them in our own “love language” and not theirs. Growing up, we learned to show love in ways our families did. For example, some families are very verbally expressive with compliments and others are physically touchy-feely giving hugs and kisses frequently. Just as some families speak French and others speak Spanish, we learn to express our love in a language we have learned. So when two people come together who were raised speaking different “languages”, they find, in order to effectively communicate love, it’s time to learn a second language! So if you feel your partner hasn’t quite gotten the message of how much you love them, read on to figure out other languages you can use.

1. Words of Affirmation: These can include compliments (“Great dinner honey!” or “I really appreciate you taking out the garbage.”), encouraging words for something your partner has set as a goal (“I bet you’d write a great book!”), kind words (this can include forgiving your partner for a wrongdoing), and humble words (this can include making requests “I’d love it if you could paint the bathroom this weekend” instead of demands “Do you ever think you’ll paint the bathroom?!?”).
2. Quality Time: Give each other your undivided attention. Go for a walk, turn off the T.V. for 20 minutes, go to dinner and look at each other and talk, or any other activity that, now that you’re thinking about it, your partner has asked you to do with him or her.
3. Receiving Gifts: Gifts can be bought, found, or made. It can be a tangible item or the gift of yourself, standing next to your partner in a time of need. According to Chapman, this is the easiest second language to learn.
4. Acts of Service: This language includes doing things your partner wants you to do. Examples include mowing the lawn, doing laundry, bathing the kids, making dinner. When any of these are done with a smile and not out of fear, guilt, or resentment, they are expressions of love.
5. Physical Touch: Examples include holding hands, kissing, embracing, massaging, and sex. It can be as simple as a quick peck out the door or sitting next to each other on the couch.

Not sure what your partner’s love language is, or that of your child? You can take a quick test online and find out instantly! Go to: The 5 Love Languages.

So when thinking of a gift for your loved one this year (and all year!), consider which one of the five love languages your partner speaks fluently. Choose an example from that category and they’re sure to hear your message loud and clear.

Have you found yourself feeling less and less fulfilled by your marriage? Have you found yourself nagging or criticizing more lately? Want to know what you can do about it?

In a time of such uncertainty in our country (When will the economy pick up? Will I lose my job? etc.), many people look to their spouses (usually the people closest to us in proximity) to explain how stressed they feel. It is not uncommon for people to report feeling less close to their spouses when they are experiencing other stress in their life, a result of mistakenly identifying their spouse’s deficiencies as the sole cause for their discomfort (when in reality, a great deal of this discomfort may be coming from others places in their life). It is often helpful, when faced with uncertainty, to focus on what you DO have control over, and what many people do not often realize is how much control they have over the satisfaction they receive in their marriage.

John Gottman, a leading researcher in couples dynamics, offers 7 principles that can help you feel more fulfilled in your marriage (from his book with Nan Silver, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work):

1. Enhance your “love maps”: This principle focuses on increasing how much you know about your partner. While we typically spend a lot of time in the beginning of a relationship getting to each other, the time we spend on this tends to decrease until you can’t even name your spouse’s coworkers anymore. Continuing to learn about your partner will help you feel closer. So go ahead and ask some questions! What are some goals they have? What about current stresses?
2. Nurture you fondness and admiration: What we focus on tends to expand (Ever notice the longer you stare at dirty clothes on the bedroom floor, the angrier you become?). Steer your brain toward positive aspects of your partner more often, like what a creative cook they are or their sense of adventure.
3. Turn toward your partner instead of away: Generally people are more fulfilled when they have a good dose of interaction with others. However, your partner may have learned to not turn toward you to look for interaction (possibly because you give advice when they’d rather have you listen instead). Be on the lookout for your partner’s “bids” for your attention and answer them. For example, positively acknowledge when they speak by asking a question or making a comment, despite how trivial you think it may be. See how long you can go without giving a dismissive shrug or eye roll.
4. Let your partner influence you: Gottman’s research showed marriages are less likely to end in divorce when a husband allows himself to be influenced by his wife (other research has shown married men tend to live longer, most likely for this exact reason when it relates to listening to your wife when she says it’s time to have a check-up). Bottom line, you’re not going to be very happy if all your energy goes into trying to get your partner to see things your way (aka “the right way”).
5. Solve your solvable problems: The key to doing this is by talking to your spouse as if you were having a disagreement with a guest in your home. When a guest has done something we don’t like, we politely assume there must have been a misunderstanding or acknowledge our part in the problem. The soft start-up to these conversations usually ends in much better conflict resolution then the blaming, defensiveness, and criticism that can plague disagreements with our partner. In short, be polite.
6. Overcome gridlock: Every marriage has problems that will NEVER be solved. That’s okay. What can make these problems easier is by moving from gridlock to dialogue. Have the new goal of conversations around these topics be “How can I understand why this is so important to you?” instead of “How can I make you change your mind?” How can you be respectful of the differences between the two of you?
7. Create shared meaning: What makes the two of you a couple? What are the rituals the two of you have? What values do you share? What symbols or objects have special meaning to the two of you? Answering these questions and fostering an accepting culture between the two of you can help you add to these answers and feel more connected and fulfilled in your marriage.

If you have any questions about these principles, or need help implementing them into your marriage, feel free to call us (919-572-0000) or email ([email protected]) to connect with one of our couples’ counselors.

As Carrie Bradshaw asked, “Wouldn’t it be great if we had a flashing sign to tell us when our relationship is headed in the wrong direction?” What are some signs that your relationship is on the rocks? Here are a few ways to know if you or your partner has had enough, and how to keep your relationship afloat.

We never talk anymore….

Communication is crucial to relationship success. Asking questions, telling stories, and learning about each other all lead to a bond between partners. When you feel like one of those silent couples in a restaurant, it may be an indication that the love boat is getting ready to dock. The ability to talk to one another forms a connection between you that is different than other relationships. Consider setting aside a time each week that is dedicated to talking about what is going on with yourselves and each other. Time spent talking is time spent bringing value to your relationship.

You only notice what I do wrong….

All couples have disagreements, but when you find yourself or your partner focusing on the negative it’s time to pay attention. When you or your partner persistently pick fights and make critical judgments there may be an underlying problem that is not being addressed. It’s time to start addressing each other’s concerns as well as catching each other doing something positive.

You don’t bother to put the toilet seat down anymore. OR
When was the last time you washed your hair?

Over time we become more comfortable with one another and no longer feel we have to be on our best behavior. While this comfort is a great part of long term relationships, we also can drift towards apathy and taking each other for granted. Remember that time in your relationship when you used to make sure you cleaned your apartment and got dressed up for dates? How did it cross the line from comfortable jeans to sweats? You don’t have to wear stilettos or always have a freshly scrubbed toilet, but you can demonstrate that you care enough to take care of yourself and your surroundings. It may be time to spice things up a bit by changing the routine. Plan a special date to a romantic restaurant or surprise your significant other at the office with lunch. A small change in the usual can bring some surprising results.

I need some space….

Are you feeling overwhelmed with couple time? Feeling smothered is a big sign that things need to change in your relationship. You may not actually be spending any more or less time together than previously, but somehow, the time spent together has become less enjoyable. Remembering that it’s ok to have time apart, whether you spend time in a hobby or visiting with friends, it’s important to have a sense of your own individuality. This helps you appreciate the time spent with your partner
as well as break the cycle of one person always chasing the other. Take turns making plans as a couple – and don’t take it personally when one of you needs some alone time.

Do your problems seem more complicated than this…read on for tips to feel more fulfilled in your relationship.

What does depression look and feel like to the non-depressed partner? From the perspective of the partner who is not suffering from depression, their partner appears tired, irritable, disinterested in activities, disinterested in sex, unmotivated, “lazy” in their self-care, or as not participating in household or childcare. These changes are perceived as personal and unwarranted slights against the partner. It can also feel like the depressed partner is behaving this way “on purpose” or that no one else would react in such manner. The truth is that about 70 million people (1 in 4) will meet criteria for a major depressive disorder someone in their lives.

What is depression?

Symptoms of clinical depression can be physical, emotional, and cognitive.

1. Physical symptoms include persistent fatigue, aches and pains, difficulty sleeping, waking up periodically throughout the night, inability to sleep, sleeping more than usual (9 to 12 hours per day), and eating more or less.
2. Emotional symptoms include persistent sadness, feelings of guilt or a sense of worthlessness and helplessness, increased irritability and anger, loss of interest in one’s usual activities, and decreased interest in sex or decreased sex drive, which can have a big impact on the relationship.
3. Cognitive symptoms include distractibility, worrying, mild suspiciousness, difficulty concentrating and difficulty with memory.

How can resentment affect the relationship? It is most challenging for the partner of a depressed person to see depression as an illness and that their partner can’t just “snap out of it.” When there are symptoms of irritability in one partner, and they’re voicing concerns about the relationship, the non-depressed partner may feel the person’s depression has nothing to do with them or their relationship; this is best addressed through couples’ counseling. Resentment building between partners is a common outcome of one partner’s long term depression. The non-depressed partner has a difficult time differentiating between the illness and the person. Repeated feelings of rejection, not wanting to have sex, and irritability and/or criticism from the depressed person can be very hurtful to the non-depressed partner and result in resentment. Even when the non-depressed partner can differentiate between the illness and the person, resentment can sometimes build because it’s so difficult to have a partner who suffers from this illness. It may feel like the depressed partner is limiting the other person’s ability to enjoy him or herself, that they can’t do the things they used to do, or that there’s more work to be done by the partner who’s not depressed.

What happens if depression goes untreated? When depression goes untreated, the impact it can have on the family and marriage can be devastating. The children may suffer from not receiving the love and attention they need from the depressed partner. They may also begin to internalize some of the negative emotions of the depressed person. The marriage itself suffers when there’s persistent unhappiness and the depression goes untreated. The relationship is more likely to become adversarial and unsupportive for both partners. Household routines and activities may begin to unravel and the security of routines may erode away because they are no longer followed by the depressed person.

Is it possible to get the relationship back to a positive state? Yes, but important steps need to be taken. If there’s been persistent unhappiness and resentment has built up over time, the trust that would normally exist between partners has probably declined and can be difficult to reestablish. The key is not to let the marriage get to that point in the first place by treating the depression as soon as possible. Even if the depression has gone untreated for some time, the willingness of both partners makes it possible to re-strengthen the relationship. This may involve a combination of individual therapy for the depressed person, medication for the depressed person, and couples counseling.

How to stay supportive and keep the relationship going. In order to be supportive of a depressed partner, you must distinguish between actions of the person and outcomes of the depression. This can be facilitated through couples’ therapy but it is equally important for the non-depressed partner to have outside support. It’s important for both partners to have a sense of connection with others. Additionally, the person who’s not depressed should not be responsible for being the sole support of the depressed person.

It’s crucial to keep in mind that the other person may be feeling vulnerable, insecure, and scared about what’s going to happen, whether or not the other person will ever recover from their depression, and what it means for their relationship. The most important thing to keep in mind is that depression is treatable and that by drawing on the strengths of each other along with maintaining patience and compassion, it is possible to get the relationship back to a loving state.

In age-difference relationships, although we typically see older men in relationships with younger women, we are now more frequently seeing older women in relationships with younger men. The current term “cougar” implies an older woman on the prowl for a younger man, specifically for sex. However, Linda Franklin has been campaigning to define the real cougar woman which she views as a smart, sexy, independent, and confident woman who may be in a relationship with a younger man not because he’s younger but because there is mutual attraction and compatibility in energy level, interests, and values. 

Older women dating younger men. Older women in relationships with younger men are a phenomenon that is still relatively uncommon. Fewer than five percent of marriages will occur between an older woman and a younger man whereas up to about fifteen percent of marriages will be between an older man and a younger woman. The overall trend is that relationships or marriages between older women and younger men are increasing. There are celebrity relationships like Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher or Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins that are bringing this type of relationship more into the public eye.

How big of an age gap makes a relationship officially an “age-difference” relationship? A significant age gap is eleven years or more.

What are some of the issues that people in significant age difference relationships may face? Despite the age difference between two partners, issues that may arise are going to be a little bit different when it’s an older man versus an older woman. However, generally some of the issues are as follows:

1. The judgment or perception by others that there’s something wrong with the relationship or that it’s not all right for there to be that significant of an age difference. This is particularly an issue when it’s an older woman married to a younger man. This type of relationship is subject to the most scrutiny and judgment by family members, friends, and even by strangers.
2. Children from a previous marriage or a relationship without children but a desire to have them can also create an issue. Children from a previous marriage can complicate matters and there can be a whole host of issues that need to be addressed. A complicating factor can be having children the same age as your spouse. Often, the children of the older spouse are not quite as old but very close in age to their step parent or in some cases, as with larger age gaps between two spouses, they are the same age or even older than their step parent. This confuses the relationship between the child and the step parent. What role is the step parent to play in the life of their spouse’s adult children? The relationship between the step parent and the adult children need to be addressed as its own relationship rather than as an adjunct to the relationship between married partners. By cultivating a relationship in its own right, the role of step parent becomes less of an issue since it is not based on parenting.
3. The possibility of having slightly different perceptions of the world. With a significant age difference, spouses may find that they view the world differently because they were brought up in different time periods. This may come into play with regard to the division of household chores and sharing of expenses.
4. Different life stages. Partners may be transitioning through different life stages, which can present another set of issues. What these issues are depends on the couple and how long they have been together.

Ways to deal with age difference issues: A big part of dealing with issues in a relationship that may arise from a significant age gap is acknowledging that there will be issues that may come up in the relationship. It’s important to talk about them with your partner to open up a dialogue and ensure both spouses are aware of what these factors are in the relationship. This acknowledgement allows you to adjust your approach and attitudes by finding ways to accommodate differences as with any marriage or relationship. Although an age difference might lead to the development of some complicating factors, these factors are not insurmountable obstacles, and they do not reflect that there’s something wrong with the relationship.

Is the age gap an easier or harder problem for people to work through? Most couples do not present to therapy for problems related to age gap differences. They come in because there are other relationship issues that are coming to the surface. This is not to say that the age gap difference hasn’t been a problem in the relationship but usually they aren’t the key issue that these couples seek help for.

Benefits of having an age gap in a marriage: One of the benefits of having a marriage where there’s an age gap is that you can gain the wisdom of the older person in the marriage which can add richness to the relationship. The couple can also benefit from the youthfulness of the younger person in the relationship. Another benefit is the ability to obtain a mix of social contacts which can be enriching to the marriage as well. Financial stability of the older partner can also be an additional benefit, although the couple does need to be careful not to get into a power dynamic with regards to money.

Things to keep in mind: As a younger person married to a much older partner, it is important to remember that concerns about the age difference will come and go. There will be times when it won’t be an issue at all and there will be other times when it seems like a really big issue. During these times it is important to remember that there are going to be fluctuations and that you have got to keep your focus on what brought you together as partners in the first place such as commonalities of interests, attraction, and the enjoyment of each other’s company. As things settle back down again, the couple may be in a better position to appreciate the enriching experience of having gone through a transition together or to have integrated step-children into the picture.

For an older person married to a younger partner, the most important thing to keep in mind is that having patience and humor will go a long way in dealing with ups and downs when it comes to being with somebody much younger. Although you may feel like you have lived through many of the experiences that you’re seeing your younger spouse go through and you may think you have all the answers, it’s important for your partner to find his or her way, of course with your input. Remember that they’re in their own process, and it needs to be respected, just as yours was when you were at that stage.

Relationships with significant age differences are manageable. There are statistics indicating that these marriages endure and are as likely to remain intact as are marriages between people closer in age.

Do you find yourself wondering where the spark has gone in your relationship? Perhaps you and your partner started out having great, energetic, exciting sex but now find your sex life has suffered from the demands of everyday life. Many relationships experience difficulty when sex becomes routine, predictable, or infrequent. Sexual intimacy is one of the best ways to maintain not only a healthy marriage, but a happy one as well. A satisfying sex life is often the glue that holds a relationship together and can also make relationship challenges easier to handle. But what can you do to revitalize your sex life and add back the spice to the bedroom?

Let’s start by identifying some of the underlying causes of a dysfunctional sex life:

• Gender Differences: Men and women tend to differ in sexual frequency. Generally, while women are usually interested in sex and would like a better sexual relationship with their husbands, there are factors that can deter them from having sex as often as their husbands would like. Men and women also differ on the role sex plays in their relationship. Most often, men want to have sex to form a connection between themselves and their partners while women want to have already formed a connection before sexual activity.
• Lack of sex or sexual compatibility: A lack of sex in a relationship can indicate a problem in another area. In situations when there is no sex, challenges that arise can be much more difficult to deal with.
• Non-sex issues: The busy demands of everyday tasks can play a role in the drop-off in sexual satisfaction. Sometimes couples fall into a routine, place other things above caring for their sexual relationship, or sex simply falls lower and lower on the priority list without the couple realizing it.

Don’t forget about emotional intimacy. A healthy sexual relationship isn’t just about the physical closeness, but includes the emotional intimacy as well. While a spicy love life is entirely subjective, happy couples usually feel free to explore and enjoy their sex life through vitality, creativity, and intimacy both physically and emotionally.

What matters more, quality or quantity? What matters most is what you as a couple enjoy and find valuable. Not everyone is creative or curious in the bedroom. If this is you, you might value quantity and can add the spice back into the relationship by just having sex. For others, quality might be important. Explore together and figure out what’s right for you as a couple.

Don’t let a foggy haze get in the middle of your relationship, clear it up. Try clearing up some of the blockages between you and your partner. This could include attempting to understand what the other is getting caught up in or addressing some of the barriers in your relationship. By simply clearing some of the haze out of your love life you can find more empathy and compassion for one another, which can help to address the sexual relationship more directly.

Fresh it up a bit! This requires interest and intent on both parts of the couple. Once these are firm, you might find the freedom to try all kinds of different things in the bedroom to spice up your sex life. With a connection and emotional intimacy between partners can come the freedom to mix things up a bit. Try to discover what brings the most to your relationship, whether it by surprise, mystery, performance, or something exotic. It’s up to you to try something new specifically designed to excite and satisfy the other person.

Most importantly, nurture and care for your relationship. Try to cultivate your relationship both inside and outside of the bedroom. Enjoy one another, have some fun, and trust each other! Spicing up your sex life is not only a matter of sexuality but also a matter of treating the relationship as something to be cared for and something that grows and changes over time. You should continually look to find ways to bring energy and interest

Remember the good ole days, the days without children when you could go out to dinner and do adult things with just you and your significant other? Now you find yourself not only balancing marriage and everyday life, but also a couple kids with toys scattered throughout your house. Unfortunately, when adding children to the relationship, it’s not all that uncommon to lose time for the romance, which changes the marriage and creates a whole new dimension to the relationship. Fortunately, it doesn’t always have to be this way, for we have some healthy tips to balance the scale between raising children and maintaining a happy marriage.

Why do studies show a negative relationship between marital happiness and having children?

1. Age: Terrible twos? Sweet sixteen? Your child’s age can contribute to stress levels both individually and within your relationship. In particular, you might find your stress levels go through the roof when your kids are very young, infant or toddlerhood, and during adolescence.
2. Financial Stability: This doesn’t mean that if you are struggling with finances that you’re never going to be happy with kids or that your kids are going to be causing you misery for the rest of your life. What it does mean is planning ahead or along the way can ease some of the tension child rearing can create.
3. Division of Labor: Unfortunately, we still see a lot of studies show when women are working full time or just as much as their partner, they actually are taking on more of the household and child-raising responsibilities, adding to the stress of an imbalanced relationship.

Make your partner a priority: Try taking five minutes at the end of each night to check in with one another to see were the other is at. A quick back rub, a smile, or a simple conversation about the other’s day can go a long way to balance the relationship. This may seem really simple, but its simplicity can be a small piece to add to your routine and help to improve your marriage. Another great option is to literally “go to bed together.” Turning out the lights, going to sleep, and ending your day together can be comforting and help to bring back that special connection between you and your spouse.

Define your roles: Moms, don’t think you have to be super-mom, super-wife, and super-employee all at the same time. The same goes out there for you too, super-dads. To help to balance children and marriage, both partners need to be willing to ask for help when needed or ask what to help out with. Don’t let raising your children be one-sided. Historically, moms might be more of the caretaker while dads might be more of a playmate who comes to the rescue for disciplinarian actions, but find what works best for you and your relationship!

Be a team: Presenting a unified front to your kids will help avoid the difficulties couples sometimes experience when children try to play off of one parent or another. Triangulation, or when a child tries to insert themselves into the parent relationship, can add stress to a marriage. Find what works best for you, and make sure you are both on the same page in terms of responsibility.

Don’t put the romance on the back burner: Even though you know you love each other and know you have a solid relationship, don’t let everyday priorities take priority over your love life. While large gestures are nice, try to incorporate some small romantic gestures into your routine. For example, this could be as easy as mommy and daddy coffee time after dinner or a nice stroll around the neighborhood every evening. It doesn’t have to be extravagant, just a moment set aside for you to enjoy the company of one another.