Archive for: Articles and Podcasts

As Carrie Bradshaw asked, “Wouldn’t it be great if we had a flashing sign to tell us when our relationship is headed in the wrong direction?” What are some signs that your relationship is on the rocks? Here are a few ways to know if you or your partner has had enough, and how to keep your relationship afloat.

We never talk anymore….

Communication is crucial to relationship success. Asking questions, telling stories, and learning about each other all lead to a bond between partners. When you feel like one of those silent couples in a restaurant, it may be an indication that the love boat is getting ready to dock. The ability to talk to one another forms a connection between you that is different than other relationships. Consider setting aside a time each week that is dedicated to talking about what is going on with yourselves and each other. Time spent talking is time spent bringing value to your relationship.

You only notice what I do wrong….

All couples have disagreements, but when you find yourself or your partner focusing on the negative it’s time to pay attention. When you or your partner persistently pick fights and make critical judgments there may be an underlying problem that is not being addressed. It’s time to start addressing each other’s concerns as well as catching each other doing something positive.

You don’t bother to put the toilet seat down anymore. OR
When was the last time you washed your hair?

Over time we become more comfortable with one another and no longer feel we have to be on our best behavior. While this comfort is a great part of long term relationships, we also can drift towards apathy and taking each other for granted. Remember that time in your relationship when you used to make sure you cleaned your apartment and got dressed up for dates? How did it cross the line from comfortable jeans to sweats? You don’t have to wear stilettos or always have a freshly scrubbed toilet, but you can demonstrate that you care enough to take care of yourself and your surroundings. It may be time to spice things up a bit by changing the routine. Plan a special date to a romantic restaurant or surprise your significant other at the office with lunch. A small change in the usual can bring some surprising results.

I need some space….

Are you feeling overwhelmed with couple time? Feeling smothered is a big sign that things need to change in your relationship. You may not actually be spending any more or less time together than previously, but somehow, the time spent together has become less enjoyable. Remembering that it’s ok to have time apart, whether you spend time in a hobby or visiting with friends, it’s important to have a sense of your own individuality. This helps you appreciate the time spent with your partner
as well as break the cycle of one person always chasing the other. Take turns making plans as a couple – and don’t take it personally when one of you needs some alone time.

Do your problems seem more complicated than this…read on for tips to feel more fulfilled in your relationship.

What does depression look and feel like to the non-depressed partner? From the perspective of the partner who is not suffering from depression, their partner appears tired, irritable, disinterested in activities, disinterested in sex, unmotivated, “lazy” in their self-care, or as not participating in household or childcare. These changes are perceived as personal and unwarranted slights against the partner. It can also feel like the depressed partner is behaving this way “on purpose” or that no one else would react in such manner. The truth is that about 70 million people (1 in 4) will meet criteria for a major depressive disorder someone in their lives.

What is depression?

Symptoms of clinical depression can be physical, emotional, and cognitive.

1. Physical symptoms include persistent fatigue, aches and pains, difficulty sleeping, waking up periodically throughout the night, inability to sleep, sleeping more than usual (9 to 12 hours per day), and eating more or less.
2. Emotional symptoms include persistent sadness, feelings of guilt or a sense of worthlessness and helplessness, increased irritability and anger, loss of interest in one’s usual activities, and decreased interest in sex or decreased sex drive, which can have a big impact on the relationship.
3. Cognitive symptoms include distractibility, worrying, mild suspiciousness, difficulty concentrating and difficulty with memory.

How can resentment affect the relationship? It is most challenging for the partner of a depressed person to see depression as an illness and that their partner can’t just “snap out of it.” When there are symptoms of irritability in one partner, and they’re voicing concerns about the relationship, the non-depressed partner may feel the person’s depression has nothing to do with them or their relationship; this is best addressed through couples’ counseling. Resentment building between partners is a common outcome of one partner’s long term depression. The non-depressed partner has a difficult time differentiating between the illness and the person. Repeated feelings of rejection, not wanting to have sex, and irritability and/or criticism from the depressed person can be very hurtful to the non-depressed partner and result in resentment. Even when the non-depressed partner can differentiate between the illness and the person, resentment can sometimes build because it’s so difficult to have a partner who suffers from this illness. It may feel like the depressed partner is limiting the other person’s ability to enjoy him or herself, that they can’t do the things they used to do, or that there’s more work to be done by the partner who’s not depressed.

What happens if depression goes untreated? When depression goes untreated, the impact it can have on the family and marriage can be devastating. The children may suffer from not receiving the love and attention they need from the depressed partner. They may also begin to internalize some of the negative emotions of the depressed person. The marriage itself suffers when there’s persistent unhappiness and the depression goes untreated. The relationship is more likely to become adversarial and unsupportive for both partners. Household routines and activities may begin to unravel and the security of routines may erode away because they are no longer followed by the depressed person.

Is it possible to get the relationship back to a positive state? Yes, but important steps need to be taken. If there’s been persistent unhappiness and resentment has built up over time, the trust that would normally exist between partners has probably declined and can be difficult to reestablish. The key is not to let the marriage get to that point in the first place by treating the depression as soon as possible. Even if the depression has gone untreated for some time, the willingness of both partners makes it possible to re-strengthen the relationship. This may involve a combination of individual therapy for the depressed person, medication for the depressed person, and couples counseling.

How to stay supportive and keep the relationship going. In order to be supportive of a depressed partner, you must distinguish between actions of the person and outcomes of the depression. This can be facilitated through couples’ therapy but it is equally important for the non-depressed partner to have outside support. It’s important for both partners to have a sense of connection with others. Additionally, the person who’s not depressed should not be responsible for being the sole support of the depressed person.

It’s crucial to keep in mind that the other person may be feeling vulnerable, insecure, and scared about what’s going to happen, whether or not the other person will ever recover from their depression, and what it means for their relationship. The most important thing to keep in mind is that depression is treatable and that by drawing on the strengths of each other along with maintaining patience and compassion, it is possible to get the relationship back to a loving state.

In age-difference relationships, although we typically see older men in relationships with younger women, we are now more frequently seeing older women in relationships with younger men. The current term “cougar” implies an older woman on the prowl for a younger man, specifically for sex. However, Linda Franklin has been campaigning to define the real cougar woman which she views as a smart, sexy, independent, and confident woman who may be in a relationship with a younger man not because he’s younger but because there is mutual attraction and compatibility in energy level, interests, and values. Please see her website for more information: The Real Cougar Woman

Older women dating younger men. Older women in relationships with younger men are a phenomenon that is still relatively uncommon. Fewer than five percent of marriages will occur between an older woman and a younger man whereas up to about fifteen percent of marriages will be between an older man and a younger woman. The overall trend is that relationships or marriages between older women and younger men are increasing. There are celebrity relationships like Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher or Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins that are bringing this type of relationship more into the public eye.

How big of an age gap makes a relationship officially an “age-difference” relationship? A significant age gap is eleven years or more.

What are some of the issues that people in significant age difference relationships may face? Despite the age difference between two partners, issues that may arise are going to be a little bit different when it’s an older man versus an older woman. However, generally some of the issues are as follows:

1. The judgment or perception by others that there’s something wrong with the relationship or that it’s not all right for there to be that significant of an age difference. This is particularly an issue when it’s an older woman married to a younger man. This type of relationship is subject to the most scrutiny and judgment by family members, friends, and even by strangers.
2. Children from a previous marriage or a relationship without children but a desire to have them can also create an issue. Children from a previous marriage can complicate matters and there can be a whole host of issues that need to be addressed. A complicating factor can be having children the same age as your spouse. Often, the children of the older spouse are not quite as old but very close in age to their step parent or in some cases, as with larger age gaps between two spouses, they are the same age or even older than their step parent. This confuses the relationship between the child and the step parent. What role is the step parent to play in the life of their spouse’s adult children? The relationship between the step parent and the adult children need to be addressed as its own relationship rather than as an adjunct to the relationship between married partners. By cultivating a relationship in its own right, the role of step parent becomes less of an issue since it is not based on parenting.
3. The possibility of having slightly different perceptions of the world. With a significant age difference, spouses may find that they view the world differently because they were brought up in different time periods. This may come into play with regard to the division of household chores and sharing of expenses.
4. Different life stages. Partners may be transitioning through different life stages, which can present another set of issues. What these issues are depends on the couple and how long they have been together.

Ways to deal with age difference issues: A big part of dealing with issues in a relationship that may arise from a significant age gap is acknowledging that there will be issues that may come up in the relationship. It’s important to talk about them with your partner to open up a dialogue and ensure both spouses are aware of what these factors are in the relationship. This acknowledgement allows you to adjust your approach and attitudes by finding ways to accommodate differences as with any marriage or relationship. Although an age difference might lead to the development of some complicating factors, these factors are not insurmountable obstacles, and they do not reflect that there’s something wrong with the relationship.

Is the age gap an easier or harder problem for people to work through? Most couples do not present to therapy for problems related to age gap differences. They come in because there are other relationship issues that are coming to the surface. This is not to say that the age gap difference hasn’t been a problem in the relationship but usually they aren’t the key issue that these couples seek help for.

Benefits of having an age gap in a marriage: One of the benefits of having a marriage where there’s an age gap is that you can gain the wisdom of the older person in the marriage which can add richness to the relationship. The couple can also benefit from the youthfulness of the younger person in the relationship. Another benefit is the ability to obtain a mix of social contacts which can be enriching to the marriage as well. Financial stability of the older partner can also be an additional benefit, although the couple does need to be careful not to get into a power dynamic with regards to money.

Things to keep in mind: As a younger person married to a much older partner, it is important to remember that concerns about the age difference will come and go. There will be times when it won’t be an issue at all and there will be other times when it seems like a really big issue. During these times it is important to remember that there are going to be fluctuations and that you have got to keep your focus on what brought you together as partners in the first place such as commonalities of interests, attraction, and the enjoyment of each other’s company. As things settle back down again, the couple may be in a better position to appreciate the enriching experience of having gone through a transition together or to have integrated step-children into the picture.

For an older person married to a younger partner, the most important thing to keep in mind is that having patience and humor will go a long way in dealing with ups and downs when it comes to being with somebody much younger. Although you may feel like you have lived through many of the experiences that you’re seeing your younger spouse go through and you may think you have all the answers, it’s important for your partner to find his or her way, of course with your input. Remember that they’re in their own process, and it needs to be respected, just as yours was when you were at that stage.

Relationships with significant age differences are manageable. There are statistics indicating that these marriages endure and are as likely to remain intact as are marriages between people closer in age.

Do you find yourself wondering where the spark has gone in your relationship? Perhaps you and your partner started out having great, energetic, exciting sex but now find your sex life has suffered from the demands of everyday life. Many relationships experience difficulty when sex becomes routine, predictable, or infrequent. Sexual intimacy is one of the best ways to maintain not only a healthy marriage, but a happy one as well. A satisfying sex life is often the glue that holds a relationship together and can also make relationship challenges easier to handle. But what can you do to revitalize your sex life and add back the spice to the bedroom?

Let’s start by identifying some of the underlying causes of a dysfunctional sex life:

• Gender Differences: Men and women tend to differ in sexual frequency. Generally, while women are usually interested in sex and would like a better sexual relationship with their husbands, there are factors that can deter them from having sex as often as their husbands would like. Men and women also differ on the role sex plays in their relationship. Most often, men want to have sex to form a connection between themselves and their partners while women want to have already formed a connection before sexual activity.
• Lack of sex or sexual compatibility: A lack of sex in a relationship can indicate a problem in another area. In situations when there is no sex, challenges that arise can be much more difficult to deal with.
• Non-sex issues: The busy demands of everyday tasks can play a role in the drop-off in sexual satisfaction. Sometimes couples fall into a routine, place other things above caring for their sexual relationship, or sex simply falls lower and lower on the priority list without the couple realizing it.

Don’t forget about emotional intimacy. A healthy sexual relationship isn’t just about the physical closeness, but includes the emotional intimacy as well. While a spicy love life is entirely subjective, happy couples usually feel free to explore and enjoy their sex life through vitality, creativity, and intimacy both physically and emotionally.

What matters more, quality or quantity? What matters most is what you as a couple enjoy and find valuable. Not everyone is creative or curious in the bedroom. If this is you, you might value quantity and can add the spice back into the relationship by just having sex. For others, quality might be important. Explore together and figure out what’s right for you as a couple.

Don’t let a foggy haze get in the middle of your relationship, clear it up. Try clearing up some of the blockages between you and your partner. This could include attempting to understand what the other is getting caught up in or addressing some of the barriers in your relationship. By simply clearing some of the haze out of your love life you can find more empathy and compassion for one another, which can help to address the sexual relationship more directly.

Fresh it up a bit! This requires interest and intent on both parts of the couple. Once these are firm, you might find the freedom to try all kinds of different things in the bedroom to spice up your sex life. With a connection and emotional intimacy between partners can come the freedom to mix things up a bit. Try to discover what brings the most to your relationship, whether it by surprise, mystery, performance, or something exotic. It’s up to you to try something new specifically designed to excite and satisfy the other person.

Most importantly, nurture and care for your relationship. Try to cultivate your relationship both inside and outside of the bedroom. Enjoy one another, have some fun, and trust each other! Spicing up your sex life is not only a matter of sexuality but also a matter of treating the relationship as something to be cared for and something that grows and changes over time. You should continually look to find ways to bring energy and interest

Remember the good ole days, the days without children when you could go out to dinner and do adult things with just you and your significant other? Now you find yourself not only balancing marriage and everyday life, but also a couple kids with toys scattered throughout your house. Unfortunately, when adding children to the relationship, it’s not all that uncommon to lose time for the romance, which changes the marriage and creates a whole new dimension to the relationship. Fortunately, it doesn’t always have to be this way, for we have some healthy tips to balance the scale between raising children and maintaining a happy marriage.

Why do studies show a negative relationship between marital happiness and having children?

1. Age: Terrible twos? Sweet sixteen? Your child’s age can contribute to stress levels both individually and within your relationship. In particular, you might find your stress levels go through the roof when your kids are very young, infant or toddlerhood, and during adolescence.
2. Financial Stability: This doesn’t mean that if you are struggling with finances that you’re never going to be happy with kids or that your kids are going to be causing you misery for the rest of your life. What it does mean is planning ahead or along the way can ease some of the tension child rearing can create.
3. Division of Labor: Unfortunately, we still see a lot of studies show when women are working full time or just as much as their partner, they actually are taking on more of the household and child-raising responsibilities, adding to the stress of an imbalanced relationship.

Make your partner a priority: Try taking five minutes at the end of each night to check in with one another to see were the other is at. A quick back rub, a smile, or a simple conversation about the other’s day can go a long way to balance the relationship. This may seem really simple, but its simplicity can be a small piece to add to your routine and help to improve your marriage. Another great option is to literally “go to bed together.” Turning out the lights, going to sleep, and ending your day together can be comforting and help to bring back that special connection between you and your spouse.

Define your roles: Moms, don’t think you have to be super-mom, super-wife, and super-employee all at the same time. The same goes out there for you too, super-dads. To help to balance children and marriage, both partners need to be willing to ask for help when needed or ask what to help out with. Don’t let raising your children be one-sided. Historically, moms might be more of the caretaker while dads might be more of a playmate who comes to the rescue for disciplinarian actions, but find what works best for you and your relationship!

Be a team: Presenting a unified front to your kids will help avoid the difficulties couples sometimes experience when children try to play off of one parent or another. Triangulation, or when a child tries to insert themselves into the parent relationship, can add stress to a marriage. Find what works best for you, and make sure you are both on the same page in terms of responsibility.

Don’t put the romance on the back burner: Even though you know you love each other and know you have a solid relationship, don’t let everyday priorities take priority over your love life. While large gestures are nice, try to incorporate some small romantic gestures into your routine. For example, this could be as easy as mommy and daddy coffee time after dinner or a nice stroll around the neighborhood every evening. It doesn’t have to be extravagant, just a moment set aside for you to enjoy the company of one another.

Checking your email; going through your cell phone; these are typical, everyday activities that many people perform. It only becomes an issue when it’s not your email that you’re checking; it’s not your cell phone that you’re going through. But why do we do this? Suspicion. Suspicion of our significant other – suspicion that they’re doing something that they’re not supposed to be doing.

But what causes us to be suspicious? And what happens when our significant other finds out that we are? Here we provide insight into why suspicion may occur, how it may occur, and what impact it has on relationships.

Why Does Suspicion Occur?

About 75% of couples that our couples’ therapists work with have damaged trust. Unfortunately, trust is easy to break, but hard to mend. Mistakes are just a fact of life. But once these mistakes break that trust, spouses find themselves on guard, looking for the next incident of disappointment.

Although there is a higher rate of women who are more likely to be suspicious and act on their suspicion, the rate of men having affairs is only slightly higher than the rate of women having affairs. It would seem that women are just less likely to be caught.

It generally starts with that subconscious gut feeling that something was off, without knowing what or why. Everyone has a “trust detector”, alerting them to suspicion. Just as some car alarms go off when someone merely walks by them, some people have very sensitive trust detectors. Thus, “evidence” of suspicious activities, such as not texting when the person said he/she would, will look different to people with different trust detector sensitivities.

Sometimes suspicion is caused by an act that the targeted spouse did, and sometimes they might not have done anything at all. Suspicion can be caused by a variety of factors: the current partner may have had inappropriate behavior with other people in the past, other couples the suspicious partner knows may have experienced infidelity, and it may even be that a partner wasn’t there in a time of need, or had made a major decision without consulting the suspicious partner. Partners may work late a lot, not come home when they said they would, be secretive about phone calls, have a sudden interest in their own appearance, change their spending habits or how they spend their time, or not be as engaged in the relationship as they usually are.
Sometimes a partner may be suspicious because of his/her own past relationships. In this case, it’s important that he/she acknowledges what effects the past hurts from his/her life are having on him/her currently. You can do that by looking at when you are the most suspicious of your current partner, and looking back to see if there are any similarities to what happened in that previous relationship. For example, if a woman had a past partner who was seeing another woman when he told her she was out with the guys, she might notice that she may freak out a little bit when her current partner has a guys’ night.

Identifying such patterns may indicate that your past relationship is interfering with your current one. At this point, you have to call it for what it is. So I call them artifacts. You can call it an artifact from my past, and recognize it’s a self-protection method that you’re just over-applying to the current relationship. Then you look at your current relationship to see if you have any evidence to really be suspicious of your partner, and sort out the suspicion that’s justified and what’s not.

And sometimes, people feel suspicious without having a past history of someone hurting them. Whether or not past history is involved, it’s really helpful to communicate to your partner that you’re having some thoughts of suspicion, and then to brainstorm together what would help you feel safer. For example, maybe you could say “Hey, look, so I’ve been watching a lot of ‘CSI’ lately. I’m feeling a little suspicious. Is there something that we can do to help me feel a little safer for the time being, until this passes?” This way both you and your partner knows what’s going on and why, and can brainstorm together to figure out what reasonable changes may help you feel a little safer until the suspicion passes.

We see couples who’ve had an affair in their relationship and couples who haven’t had an affair, but they haven’t built up their trust yet from a previous affair. Generally couples who have a suspicious personality (when they’re suspicious, but nothing’s happened yet) tend to do a little better because it’s a little bit easier to recognize, whereas the couples who have had something in their past need to do more work to get through that.

The Effects of Suspicion on a Relationship

When suspicion begins interfering in a relationship, the suspicious spouse may be very accusatory towards his/her partner, leading to arguments, feelings of disconnection, and withdrawal from a relationship.

Targeted spouses can feel really misunderstood and hurt that their partner doesn’t assume the best about them. And anyone who is constantly being accused of misbehaving will most likely react negatively, whether he/she is misbehaving or not. Constantly being accused causes confusion, and most people don’t tolerate it well in relationships. So the targeted spouse will get angry, the suspicious spouse interprets that as guilt and it makes him/her even more suspicious, causing the other spouse to get angrier, and so on and so forth.

How the relationship is affected when a partner finds out his/her partner is watching them depends on how the targeted partner interprets it. Taking a second to pause in that confusion of why would my partner spy on me, the targeted partner can try to understand his/her partner’s suspicion. Doing things to understand the suspicion, such as talking about it with the partner, will hurt the relationship a lot less. Conversely, if they’re instantly offended by not being trusted, then it’s going to create a downward spiral and no ones going to feel safe.

If you have a suspicious partner, it’s important that you don’t react with anger, but try to understand that the suspicion might not have anything to do with you. It’s something that you can help your partner through and brainstorm with them ideas to help them feel safer.
All in all, just don’t do anything you wouldn’t want your partner to know about. Life is just so much easier that way.

We cover many aspects of an affair, including why they occur, what impact they have on a couple, and how a couple can recover from them.

Why Do Affairs Occur?

Some people have had brief, one-time affairs and others have had longer, multiple-time affairs. One-time affairs are generally less discovered. When a spouse cheats multiple times, there may be an emotional reason underlying it.

Stereotypically, men tend to have affairs when they’re not sexually satisfied at home. They may not feel needed by their spouse and/or may lose some sense of self in the relationship. Women are stereotyped as having affairs because they feel an emotional disconnection from their spouse. However, it’s important to note that these stereotypes are just that – stereotypes; men may have affairs due to emotional reasons and women may have affairs due to sexual reasons.

When Are Affairs Most Common?

• First Year of Marriage
  The first year of marriage is a transition period. People need to adjust to cohabitating with another person (if they haven’t already lived together previously) and to the idea that they’re going to be with someone forever. This struggle is an unexpected one as people generally feel that their first year of marriage will be a happy one filled with love. This period usually involves one-time affairs and generally goes unnoticed by the other partner.
• After Babies Are Born
  Couples tend to feel a difference in either an attraction to their partner or their perception of their partner’s attraction to them. They also find themselves having to balance exhaustion from the baby (leading to less sexual intimacy) and coping with the fact that there’s another person around that they love as much as their partner. Men may see their wives more maternally and less sexually attractive. And women may be less secure about their attraction to their husbands, feel a disconnection from their husbands, and see less of them.
• “7 Year Itch”
  After 7 years, couples have already defined and deepened their relationship with each other. However, after meeting a lot of their common goals (ex. having children, buying a home), many partners tend to wonder what’s left. Divorce often occurs or is brought up, and clinicians may see a lot of couples in the 5-7 year period.
  “Mid-Life Crisis” Period
  Similar to the “7 Year Itch” period, partners in this period tend to reassess what they’re doing with their lives. They tend to look for ways to get more excitement, and infidelity may be one of those ways. This period has a high rate of divorce.

These latter two periods are where longer affairs that are more damaging to relationships occur. This is when people are people are really looking for an emotional connection elsewhere, and have a lot of work to go through therapeutically. The first two periods are more stress related affairs.

What Are the Effects of An Affair?

Different people will have different reactions to an affair. Some react with anger or rage, going to therapy as a “last ditch effort” to salvage anything from a relationship. Some partners want to know every detail about an affair, where others don’t. An affair can shatter relationships, but if used as an opportunity to honestly examine a relationship, they can strengthen them too. Really examining their relationship and identifying what’s going on and why it’s happening – finding areas that they can work on – couples can actually build trust and understand their relationship better.

How Do You Get Through An Affair?

Affairs feel like one of the worst things that can happen in a relationship. While some couples do end their relationship after an affair, 30% of couples do recover from it.

One of the primary reasons people come in for therapy is to try and make things work and get past an affair-related issue. We have observed that couples who survive an affair tend to display two factors in how they work together:

1. The partner who’s had the affair truly feels remorse for the act and has a true sense of empathy for their partner
2. Both partners have to accept their part in the affair

The second factor tends to be harder for the person who’s been cheated on, but it’s important to remember that affairs happen for a reason. Both partners need to look specifically at their communication patterns, intimacy level, etc.

Any relationship has the potential to recover from an affair, regardless of its nature. There are 5 steps to rebuilding:

1. Empathy/Forgiveness
   Both spouses need to be able to have empathy for one another and forgive each other. It’s important to set aside time at the beginning to focus on the partner who has been cheated on to be able to feel validated in their pain.
2. Rebuilding Trust
   Both partners need to define what trust is and identify the level of trust in the relationship. The partner who has been cheated on may name things that the other partner could do to show their effort in attempts to let them rebuild that trust.
3. Identifying Patterns
   Both partners should honestly examine their patterns of communication, intimacy, child-rearing, house cleaning, etc. What are areas that could be improved upon to deepen emotional connection and improve interaction?
4. Re-identify Positive Roots of the Relationship
   Every relationship began for a reason. What initially attracted you to this person and what brought your relationship together? Return to these initial reasons and find ways to bring back that newness into the relationship.
5. Willingness to Work
   Both partners need to be dedicated to moving forward with the relationship.

Although affairs can feel like an end to a relationship, people who are committed to working on the relationship can move forward and get past the affair.

Here we discuss how spouses can go about telling their spouses they’ve had an affair, and what they might expect.

Why Tell a Spouse in the First Place?

Affairs, physical and emotional alike, have a major impact on a relationship as they undermine the foundation of trust that relationships are built on. So if an affair is over, why tell?

An affair will create a wedge between spouses. It’s important that the offending spouse takes responsibility for his/her actions and tell the offended spouse. If not, then there’s a risk that the offended spouse will find out another way, which will undermine that trust even further.

Important Things to Keep in Mind

Spouses differ in how much they want to know, from wanting to know nothing to wanting to know everything. When telling a spouse, remember to…

1. CHOOSE A TIME AND LOCATION
Make sure you have enough privacy and time to talk about it.

2. SPEAK PLAINLY
It’s a difficult situation, but don’t talk around it or belittle it. Be clear about what happened!

3. GIVE YOURSELVES PRIVACY
The spouse needs an opportunity to express themselves completely and fully take in what you’re saying in a private setting.

It’s important for the offended spouse to state how much information they want to know. Often times, the offended spouse won’t want to know a lot about the affair initially because they’re so overwhelmed.

Spouse’s Reactions

The offended spouse’s reactions can be anywhere from silence to relief to anger to violence. And his/her emotional reaction is similar to how anyone might respond to a traumatic situation, such as numbness, shock, sadness, and anger. It all depends on the type of person the spouse is and how he/she is feeling at the moment. Regardless, it’s important that the offended spouse needs to be able to express him/herself however he/she needs to in the moment (excluding physical).

What About a Third Party?

When a spouse has an affair, the trust between spouses has been broken. Often times, the offended spouse will be inclined to police their spouse to keep tabs on him/her. Thus, it might be beneficial to bring in a third party. This should be a mutual third person who is willing to meet on a regular basis at least once a week. This person should follow through in ensuring the affair has ended and should provide encouragement and relief to the offended spouse.

Can Our Relationship Ever Recover?

The offending spouse has made a series of bad decisions, but if he/she takes responsibility for his/her actions by stepping forth and being sincerely remorseful about the affair, healing is more likely to occur. Alternately, if the offended spouse finds out about the affair first ad confronts the offending spouse, and then the trust is broken even further.

No one ever forgets about an affair, but some do forgive. Some couples break up, but some heal and grow stronger. Affairs cause ruined relationships and side effects, but they also can be caused by breakdowns in the relationship such as deterioration of communication, sharing, and intimacy. As affairs are a result of conscious choices made by the offending spouse, forgiveness is a result of conscious choices made by the offended spouse.

In couples therapy we so often hear of the negative consequences of smartphones on the closeness of a couple. “He’s always on his phone when we’re eating.” “She won’t get off Facebook to have a conversation with me.” “The text was so short and curt, I had no choice but to think you were annoyed with me.” And all these are viable issues that can cause chasms in relationships. However, there are also new and profound ways to use technology in the service of the relationship, rather than its detriment. Many app developers have realized the potential to use the computers we carry around in our pockets and purses all day to improve planning, intimacy, and connection. Here’s a sampling of the most helpful:

Avocado – Couples can use Avocado to create shared to-do lists, grocery lists, or send private messages to each other. They can create personal emoticons and upload quick notes such as “I love you” or “Be home soon.” Relationship milestones can even be archived and exported to other social media outlets. The app was interestingly named as the only fruit to grow in pairs, as the trees only produce the fruit when in proximity of another tree.

Fix-A-Fight – Developed by a clinical psychologist, this app walks people through arguments toward successful resolutions. It includes self-soothing technique suggestions, functionality designed to help identify and communicate emotion, and offers “quick fixes” for each step in the repair process.

Cozi – This free app provides a centralize location for a lot of the planning that’s required in running a household. You can input kids’ school schedules, make to-do and grocery lists, and assign chores with it. It integrates with Google calendar, and even includes release dates for movie night.

The Gottman Apps – The country’s most renowned couples researchers, Drs. John and Julie Gottman, have released their set of ten free apps as well, designed to increase intimacy and logistic coordination between couples. These include Give Appreciation, Expressing Needs, Affection and Lovemaking, Sex Questions to Ask Your Man and Sex Questions to Ask Your Woman. These Apps are grounded in the Gottmans’ research and are excellent augmentations to couples therapy.

With these apps, it’s possible to turn the power of smartphones from a divisive force in a relationship to a unifying tool.