Happiness Blog

November 4, 2013

Last week we talked about the negativity bias – our hard-wired tendency to notice negative stuff more than positive stuff.  Now let’s talk about getting around that bias, and getting happier!

Every time you use your brain you are messing with its wiring.  When you learn a new word or try a new dance step, it changes things just a bit up there.  When you keep on practicing that thing that neural pathway gets more use.  The longer that pathway gets used, and the more neurons that fire, and the more intensely they fire, the more we get wired in that direction, and that thing – that way of thinking, or doing, or feeling – is easier next time.  It’s how habits are made.

If we want to change our wiring to be more positive, we have to notice and stay with positive experiences longer, to give them a chance to become a part of our neural structure.  So look for those experiences.  Seek them out.  Remember you have a natural tendency to notice negative things, so put some extra effort into noticing those tiny purple wildflowers, or the smile on that kid running by, or the pleasant texture on the overdone rice.  Stay with it for a few moments longer than you normally would.  Then look for the next tiny piece of joy to add to your increasingly happy brain structure.

October 28, 2013

A client asked me the other day why she focuses on the negative stuff more than the positive stuff.  I’ve heard this question a number of times over the years.  We notice that our spouse didn’t empty the dishwasher as promised but don’t really notice that they did a whole bunch of other helpful tasks.  The constructive criticism in our annual review somehow seems much LOUDER than the praise.  Since we’re all so eager to be happy, why on earth do we overly-notice and harp on the very things that make us unhappy?

The short answer is – we’re wired that way.  It’s called the negativity bias.  Since the caveman days we’ve been honing our ability to see danger in the environment so that we can fight it or flee it and keep on being alive.  Our brains are now really good at scanning for threats.  The problem is, we’ve gotten so good at it that we now not only notice the bear that might attack us, but also the guy who might be annoyed at us, the people in the audience who don’t seem to be liking our speech, or that coworker who might be putting the moves on our partner.  Threats!  Not to our lives, but to our ego, our reputation, or our relationship.  And what do you do with a threat?   You isolate it and take care of it.  Isolating it means focusing on it (and losing sight of the big picture.  Sound familiar?).  Taking care of it might mean learning to people please, or joining Toast Masters, or planning some strategic PDA at the next office party.

So are we doomed?  Is there no getting around millions of years of neural wiring towards negativity?  Of course not!  In fact, you’re probably already doing a lot of things to combat it, since you are happy, positive, and maybe even optimistic sometimes.  Stay tuned for next week’s post!

October 21, 2013

Math class!  It was the worst!  (Or English, or History, or Science…)  Remember how you had to force yourself to do the homework (if you did it at all)?  Struggling at the kitchen table, thinking you’ll never use this anyway so why do you have to do it?!  You might have clear memories of doing all your other work first, even cleaning your room, to avoid it.  Maybe you did your English homework right away because you loved reading and analyzing great literature.  So what was the difference between sitting down with Shakespeare versus calculus?  You did your English because it came naturally to you and you enjoyed it.  You did your Math because you had to.

The takeaway?  There are different reasons we do things, and some are more motivating than others.  So it is with happiness activities, according to The How of Happiness’s Lyubomirsky.  We are more likely to continue doing something if it feels natural to us (Natural), or if we find it interesting and challenging (Enjoy), or if we value and identify with doing it even when it’s not enjoyable (Value).  We’re less likely to continue with something if we’re doing it because otherwise we’d feel ashamed, guilty, or anxious (Guilty), or if someone or some circumstance forces us to (Situation).

Consider some habits you tried to get going but stopped almost before you began (remember that no-carb, sugarfree diet you tried?).  Now think of habits you’ve started and continued (e.g. bike riding with your friend once a week).  Which descriptor best fits your reason for doing the activity (Natural, Enjoy, Value, Guilt, Situation)?  If you’re intrinsically and positively motivated, you’re more likely to continue with that behavior than if you’re motivated through internal or external coercion.  Of course, we can’t always do things just because they come naturally to us, because we enjoy them, or because they have value to us.  But the more you can find those activities, or create those motivations, the more likely you are to continue with that habit.  And imagine how much happier you’d be if you started more of what you began!

Happiness and Stress

I recently listened to a great TED Talk by Kelly McGonigal, a health psychologist.  She admitted that she’s spent the last decade warning people about the dangerous effects stress has on physical health.  But she no longer considers stress the enemy since she learned there is a fine line between the body’s response to stress and its response to joy and courage.  The difference is in how the blood vessels react.  When you’re feeling stressed, your heart rate goes up and your blood vessels constrict.  When you’re feeling joy or courage, your heart rate goes up but your blood vessels stay relaxed.  Considering blood vessels carry oxygen and nutrients around the body and remove carbon dioxide and waste products away from the cells, this is a very important difference.  The point: how you interpret your body’s response can mean the difference between a heart attack or a long healthy life.  Need more evidence?  Dr. McGonigal talked about a study where everyone was exposed to the same stressor, but half the participants had been taught to view their stress response as helpful (their pounding heart and quickened breathing is a healthy, adaptive thing their body is doing to help them rise to the occasion – in general, fight or flee).  Their blood vessels stayed unconstricted as opposed to the participants who didn’t receive this training.  So next time you notice your body’s physical response to stress or anxiety, remember you are just a thought away from having nice, open blood vessels.  Doesn’t that kind of influence over your health make you happy?

Happy Money

It turns out money can buy you happiness, if you spend it right.

Elizabeth Dunn, a psychology professor, and Michael Norton, a marketing professor, wrote a book called Happy Money: The Science of Smarter Spending.  They make some thought provoking points about how you can use your money to make you happier.  Fortunately, it doesn’t completely negate my post about happiness and money (see post: Happiness and Winning the Lottery), since they take the focus off of buying material things to improve your life.

So now that you know the secrets to buying happiness, you can go win the lottery with a light heart.  Good luck!

September 30, 2013

Happiness and Flow

Have you ever found yourself doing something that absolutely consumed you and hours passed without realizing it?  Maybe you were hunched over your drawing all afternoon and never even noticed your back was cramping up.  Maybe you were reading an amazing book and suddenly realized you were starving long past dinner time.  You were in a state of flow.  Coined by Csikszentmihalyi, a Hungarian psychology professor, flow is achieved when you experience a balance of high challenge level and high skill level.  It’s the sweet spot between anxiety and boredom.  A 5-star restaurant chef won’t be in a state of flow when following the taco instructions on the back of the taco spice bottle – he’ll be bored.  A cooking novice won’t be in a state of flow if suddenly placed in charge of the Ritz holiday banquet dinner – he’ll be anxious.  Lyubomirsky (The How of Happiness author) recommends flow as one of the twelve things one can cultivate to become happier.  So the next time you find yourself bored or anxious, find a way to get a better balance of skill level and challenge.  And get ready to flow!

Happiness and Attention

“My experience is what I agree to attend to.”  – William James

I have a friend who reads the news every morning and typically by the time I meet her for lunch she is pretty depressed and anxious.  She’ll tell me about the most recent unemployment rate, the number of homeless animals that had to be euthanized at shelters this year, and a terribly sad and scary story of a local abduction.  I always leave thinking I should call her later to see how she’s doing.

I have another friend who also stays well informed.  But our lunches don’t leave me down and worried about her.  I asked her how she manages to keep up with the news and not get depressed.  The answer was simple – she chooses to focus more on the positive stuff.  She pays more attention to the news about the extremely successful pet adoption this past weekend, the story of the women who were freed after decades in captivity, and the fact that the unemployment rate tends to be improving.

Your experience – your life – is what you agree to attend to.  Whether it’s something outside of you (the news, who comes to your party and who doesn’t, if your dinner was burned or not) or something inside of you (your prediction that your blind date will be awful, your thought that maybe you WILL get that great job, staying focused on your elbow pain or feeling grateful that your migraine finally broke) – what we pay attention to hugely informs our mood.

Don’t get me wrong – we can’t just notice shiny happy facts about life, and can’t have only optimistic thoughts.  Paying some attention to the stuff that makes us feel “bad” in some way is really important – it can inspire incredible action.  I bet a lot of those new pet owners read about the euthanasia rate.  The point is, focusing mostly on depressing facts, worry thoughts, and negative possibilities is going leave you depressed, worried, and negative!  Try this: for 24 hours, within reason, focus on more positive stuff (internal and external) than you usually do.  Notice how it affects your mood, your behaviors, and how others respond to you.

And tell me if you don’t feel happier at the end of the day.

September 16, 2013

Happiness and Physical Health

By now everyone knows that the happier you are, the healthier you tend to be.  Less stress means a healthier heart, fewer digestive problems, sounder sleep… the list goes on.  But is this true for all happiness?  Does the happiness you feel when you win $100 on a scratch off ticket give you the same physical health benefits as when you volunteer at the soup kitchen?  A recent study suggests that happiness stemming from altruistic behaviors affects us on a cellular level.  So the next time you feel a little under the weather, consider reaching out to someone in need.  It could give your mood AND body a boost!