Archive for: Our Happiness Blog

I worked on a beautiful mosaic once, a cardinal sitting on a branch with leaves behind it. It looked great when it was finished. Then, I noticed one problem. One leaf was backward; the wrong side of the tile was facing me. The turned leaf was not something that could easily be fixed and my initial pride turned into disappointment. Another student assured me, “Leaves turn in the wind and that’s what happening to this leaf. It means that this is an original piece.” Her little reframe improved my outlook and I made peace with the turned leaf.

A slightly different viewpoint and thought process can affect our emotions and perceptions of the world. Check out our clinicians who specialize in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy to help you address the turned leaves if your life.

A recent study in Social Psychological and Personality Science by Twenge and colleagues evaluated the indicators of subjective wellbeing of adolescents and adults in the United States from 1972 to 2014. The research findings demonstrated that recent adolescents are happier than they have been in past decades while mature adults (>30 years-old) experience less happiness than during previous decades. Prior to 2010, mature adulthoods experienced more happiness than adolescents and young adults (<30 years-old). Several reasons may account for this shift in happiness, but we are not sure why quite yet. Also keep in mind this does not mean people over 30 are unhappy as a group, they just experience somewhat more unhappiness than in the past. The role of technology and social media has yet to be fully understood in regards to happiness. Previous research demonstrates that social networking may be detrimental to the well-being of mature adults while boosting the well-being of adolescents and young adults. This could have given adolescents the edge on happiness thus showing a trend of younger individuals experiencing a happier well-being. But really, we just don’t know yet. As is often the case with research, we need more information!

Put down your electronic device, grab a pen, and look for a stamp because December 7th is National Letter Writing Day. There are historical letters that shaped history and have stood the test of time, such as those by Benjamin Franklin and Abraham Lincoln. There are personal letters that impact the heart like those written by my great uncles during WWI and WWII. These young soldiers wrote home to say hello to their siblings, ask about squirrel hunting season, and describe how cold it was sleeping on the ground without covers. Handwritten letters are personal, intimate, and can be powerful to the reader. This December 7th write a letter to reconnect with a long-lost friend, update your parents on your children, or share thanks for an act of kindness.

Thanksgiving is a time of eating ridiculous amounts of turkey and pie, watching football, waiting in department store lines at midnight, and being grateful for friends and family. While the majority of us agree that Thanksgiving is a cherished time of year, many of us do not look forward to spending a weekend with family. Arguments, sibling rivalry, disappointments, and regretful behaviors are played out live around the dining room table or discussed when someone has the good intention of reminiscing about the past. On the drive to grandma’s house, we create exit strategies with our partners, hope Cousin Larry’s invitation was lost in the mail, and wonder if Aunt Marjorie is bringing her new boyfriend. We fear seeing our loved ones instead of looking forward to reuniting with them.

I invite you to consider a different perspective in preparation for Thanksgiving this year: the elephant greeting ceremony. When elephants are apart from one another, whether it is days or years, their reunion is an extraordinary sight. Long lost elephant relatives and friends look directly at one another, spin, rumble, flap ears, and rub their tusks out of pure joy for being reunited. Try initiating your own greeting ceremony this year by hugging your uncle, picking-up your niece and spinning her around, and looking into your mother’s eyes during dinner conversation. Adopt a mindset of gratitude and joy for spending time with family and friends, which just happens to be the spirit of Thanksgiving.

“Your life did not just happen. You experience life exactly as you have fashioned it. If you are unhappy with where you are, you can deconstruct the parts you don’t like and build them up again.” -Srikumar S. Rao, Ph.D

I find this quote by Dr. Rao incredibly inspirational because it reminds and empowers us to take charge of our lives. Each of us has actively contributed to our own states of happiness, which means that you can bask in your awesomeness for living the life you have created. Conversely, you can look inward to determine the steps you want to take to have a more satisfying existence. You might try to understand your emotions, reactions, and patterns of relationships or you might venture into new land to broaden your experiences and open yourself up to new opportunities. This quote reminds us that the first movement toward happiness requires you.

Imagine a typical visit to your doctor’s office. You leave work one hour early with an inbox full of e-mails that need your attention now. You arrive at the physician’s check-in counter 15 minutes early for your appointment, but anticipate an additional 45 minutes in the waiting room. There is a very young girl fighting with her mom in the waiting room and you wish she would be quiet. The mom eventually provides the girl with a tablet and it’s finally silent, so you respond to some of those e-mails. All of sudden, you hear a loud giggle from the little girl and she tells her mom about a funny part of the movie she is watching on her tablet. She can’t stop laughing and you start laughing too because her giggles are contagious. The laughter wiped away all of your irritants, stress, and frustrations. Consequently, you feel cheerful, energized, and reset in your outlook.

Happiness is contagious and can catch you at the most unexpected moments. You can create happiness for yourself as well as be influenced by the happiness of others. Think about when you smiled at the baby sitting across from you on the subway or when you noticed the squirrels playing on a tree during your morning jog. As you take notice of these moments, you acquire positive experiences that can reduce stress and refocus your attitude.

“Thanks for cooking dinner tonight. Thank you for taking out the trash. Thanks for saving me a parking spot. Thanks for driving today. I’ll drive the next time we run to the store.”

These are common statements in my home. A meal does not pass by where my partner or I doesn’t thank the other person for taking time to cook dinner. We express gratitude for the effort regardless of whether the meal was burnt, bland or had too much garlic. Decades of psychological research emphasizes that it important to thank your partner for both tiny and large acts of kindness in order for the relationship to strengthen and maintain itself.

Lately, I began evaluating whether saying “thank you” is an automatic response or whether I experience gratitude at a deeply personal level. A level that is both meaningful and genuine. A sense of thanks for life as it is in this moment in which you are sincerely grateful for relationships, personal accomplishments, health, happiness or friendships. This visceral feeling of gratitude brings peace and calmness to the mind and spirit. It also connects you more deeply and intimately to your loved ones as you become more grateful for their presence and influence on your life. I encourage you to take a closer look at what you are grateful for in your life at this very moment. Maybe you are grateful that your partner prepared dinner or maybe you are grateful that your partner has entered your life and the two of you are sharing life’s journey together. Experience this gratitude within yourself and feel the calmness and happiness it brings to you. And, if you are ever so daring, express this gratefulness to those around you.

What are some of the outstanding tasks or projects in your life? The old office that needs sorted through? The junk drawer that looks more like a vortex than a drawer? The dining table that needs refurnished but still has not been painted? Wow, these projects can feel overwhelming! And we tend to push off these projects because they feel all-consuming. Consequently, the junk drawer remains cluttered and the dining table remains in the garage instead of the dining room. The projects may nag at you when you walk past them and you begin to think, “When will I ever have enough time to tackle this?”

In order to scratch some big items off your list I invite you to start the 15-minute challenge TODAY. My challenge to you is to spend 15 minutes per day working on a project until it is completed. This may take one day or it may take a month, but the idea is that you are consistently working on the project over manageable time periods. You may ask yourself, “Where can I find 15 minutes?” Well, it turns out that there is approximately 15 total minutes of commercials during an hour-long TV program. Ideally you would work for 15 straight minutes, but my point is that you have downtime during the day when you can scratch items off your list.

Think about the 15-minute challenge with a positive mindset. First, remind yourself that 15-minutes is not a long period of time. This means that you are not spending your entire Saturday afternoon cleaning an office, but instead poke into the office for 15 minutes each day. You can also consider having your partner, family member, or friend help with the 15-challenge so that you can accomplish projects at a faster rate. Most importantly, once you start the 15-minute challenge you will begin to see changes quickly and bask in your small victories.

Many of the people I have worked with over the years have struggled with sleep. The most recurrent problem is the inability to fall asleep at night. Why is this so? Often the mind is planning the next day’s schedule, worrying about finances, sorting through an interpersonal struggle, or teasing through an argument. The funny thing about these thoughts is that they tend to build off one another while the clock ticks by the hours. The effects of sleep deprivation influence the ability to function the next day as people are more irritable with partners and children, less productive at their jobs, and exhausted. So, let’s review some tips and tricks for proper sleeping hygiene.

First, a consistent sleep pattern is paramount. Try to establish regular bedtimes, even on the weekends, so that sleep becomes part of your day-to-day structure just like going to work. Also, make the bedroom your sleeping sanctuary. That is, use your bedroom for sleeping and not for reading, watching TV, or browsing the internet on your tablet. Many of us use our phones for the alarm clock feature, which is fine, but make sure you are not playing games or reading the news in your bedroom. Create a sanctuary conducive to your sleeping by setting a comfortable room temperature, having socks or extra pillows nearby, or turning the ceiling fan on to the appropriate speed.

Now that we have set the stage for sleeping let’s focus on nighttime brain activity. One trick for when your mind is activated at night is to leave the bedroom and read a book or work on a crossword puzzle until you feel tired. You can also practice diaphragmatic breathing in bed by breathing from your stomach instead of your chest. If you can solve the problem that is keeping you up in a few minutes, solve it. If it is a long-term problem that can’t be fixed tonight then leave it for the morning because nothing will be accomplished except for higher levels of exhaustion. Remember not to beat yourself up over not falling asleep. Remind yourself that all those thoughts and worries is your brain working just like it works the other 16-18 hours of the day. Treat these tips and tricks like an experiment. If one trick helps you fall asleep that is fantastic! But if a trick doesn’t work for you, try the others until you find one that helps you get the rest you need.