Archive for: Ask Anything!

Q: My kids won’t apologize to each other. It drives me crazy! Usually they just stand there and say nothing, and if I push it they grunt like a caveman. I’m worried what will happen (or may already be happening) to their friendships and future relationships if they can’t learn to do this. How do you teach a child to say they’re sorry?
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A: You are not the first parent to struggle with this. I bet some of those prehistoric cave paintings were cave-parents trying to figure out this very thing.

What’s the real point of an apology? It’s not merely to say the words “I’m sorry” but that’s what we teach when we force someone to apologize (even if we follow up with, “Now say it like you mean it!”). The point of an apology is to try to heal a relationship by taking ownership of a behavior, by demonstrating remorse for having hurt someone, and by indicating that we intend not to hurt them in this way in the future. A real apology is about healing and connection rather than shame and weakness. It gives both parties a chance to feel good about themselves and each other and allows the relationship to move forward. Along the way, apologizing can help a person develop empathy and social skills, learn to organize thoughts, and develop the detailed language needed to express them well.

It’s understandable why parents try to force their kids to apologize – they want to make it right for the victim and they want the perpetrator to be responsible and own up to his wrongdoing. But a forced apology usually isn’t genuine and typically doesn’t work. It’s more likely to make both parties mad – the apologizer feels controlled and ashamed and the apologizee feels insulted a second time. Fake apologies often just increase spite and competition. So we want to teach rather than force kids to apologize. After all, we’re not born knowing how to give a great apology and it’s an important social skill. The first thing to remember, as with anything else we want our kids to learn – model, model, model it. Let your child see you apologize to others, and of course apologize to your child whenever it’s appropriate. Not only is it teaching by demonstration but it also shows that everybody makes mistakes and apologizing is healthy, effective, and a sign of strength.

Here are some ideas on instructing your child in the fine art of apologizing:

• Wait until his anger has subsided. When angry, a person needs to be heard before they can listen well. If the person needing to apologize is still emotionally charged from the event they are not yet in a place where they can hear you and be vulnerable enough to apologize.

• In private, talk non-judgmentally about the event, empathize with him, discuss the relationship and why he might want to repair it, help him empathize with the other person, and help him problem-solve. Empower him to apologize. A sincere apology has three or four parts: it requires acknowledging what you did that was hurtful (“I broke your crayon.”), how it affected the other person (“That hurt your feelings and also you weren’t able to finish your drawing.”), possibly some insight as to why you behaved that way (“It was hard for me to wait my turn for that color.”) and what you will do differently next time (“Next time I’ll work on something else until you’re done.”). Help him construct a solid apology, give him a chance to practice it with you, and then support him in apologizing to the other person when he’s ready.

• Encourage him NOT to apologize if he doesn’t mean it. This will help him learn to apologize sincerely rather than using it as a free pass (“I can do this thing again as long as I say I’m sorry.”)

• Remind him to listen to what the recipient has to say after he apologizes. Warn him that the other person might not accept his apology, and that’s their right. Teach him how to gracefully deal with that. (It’s also a good idea to teach your child how to accept apologies gracefully.)

• For minor squabbles, a formal apology might be unnecessary. In that case it’s still a good idea to “make peace” or “repair,” whatever that means to the people involved. It might not include any words. Your child might hug the other person or help them fix the physical damage he caused. He might draw a picture for the other person, write a note about what he likes about them, or suggest playing a game they want to play.

• Rather than getting into a power struggle about him apologizing, or threatening consequences for not apologizing or repairing, emphasize your faith that your child will make a good choice about how to repair. Expressing confidence about someone’s character is a stronger motivator than expressing concern.

Remember that learning a skill, especially one so entwined with intense emotions, is a process. There will be trial-and-error and discomfort and lots of times when it doesn’t turn out the way you want it to, especially in the beginning. Stick with it and eventually your cave-kids will start issuing apologies like civilized folk.

Last month we discussed the benefit of logical consequences over punishment, and how (and why) to choose logical consequences. But it’s important to note that even if we follow all those guidelines and give a perfect logical consequence, it’s punishment if the child perceives it as such. It’ll have the same results to their attitude, self-concept, and self-esteem as punishment. We can attempt to influence how they see it by presenting it appropriately, but they have ultimate control over their interpretation. This is one reason to try to use other things before using logical consequences.

When we see a misbehavior we often feel driven to stop it immediately. It’s why yelling is first line of defense for many parents. But our goal is twofold: stop the behavior and keep it from recurring. Remember that there is always some belief, some unmet need, driving every behavior. The better you can understand what that is, the more effectively you can connect with your child in a way that treats the origin of the problem and strengthens the relationship, making them more likely to not engage in this misbehavior again. Here are some questions you might ask yourself to help you decide how to handle a situation:

• What developmental issue(s) might this behavior be about (consider Erikson’s Psychosocial Stages)? Is this behavior – though troubling – normal or even adaptive? This doesn’t mean you don’t want to improve it but you will approach it with a very different attitude if you think it is normal or even good (sassy = assertive).

• What need is being met with this behavior (consider Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs)? Could you perhaps even remember what it was like to be a kid with this particular need? This will help hugely with compassion and gentleness.

• Is it clear to the child what is expected of them in this situation?

(Consider discussing the next three with your child after they’ve calmed down.)

• What rule is being broken?

• What problem is the behavior creating?

• What will help to solve the problem?

This last one is so important. Sometimes we forget about good old-fashioned problem solving if we’re in the habit of giving consequences. If a misbehavior is repeated frequently that is a strong sign that we need to problem-solve, which you can do as a team, with your child. Because chances are your child is not a little beast. Chances are your child wants life to go pretty smoothly, just like you do. It’s likely that he just doesn’t have the skills necessary to logically and creatively solve the problem.

Also, ask yourself if you even have to address this. Maybe natural consequences will be the teacher so you don’t have to be. Natural consequences are those that inevitably happen as a result of one’s choice. They are not administered by you. For instance, if your child refuses to wear a coat in the winter, he will be cold. If you see behavior at home that you anticipate will be a problem elsewhere, help your child understand and anticipate natural consequences as a disincentive to continue it (hitting a peer might result in the peer not wanting to play with you at recess). You’ll often have a choice to make about whether or not to use natural consequences. You definitely don’t want to when the behavior you’re trying to eliminate is dangerous, like running into the road without looking. But how about not tying shoes? A slightly skinned knee might be a good teaching tool but broken teeth would be overkill. You also want to avoid natural consequences as the main teacher when they are so far in the future that your child won’t connect it to the behavior. And obviously, don’t use natural consequences when they negatively affect someone other than your child.

Another reason to use something other than consequences is because experiencing (often unpleasant) consequences is not always necessary or even the best way to learn. Remember that a person does not need to suffer in order to learn. This sounds obvious but even the most loving parent might feel irked when they are fed up with a misbehavior and impose a consequence… and their child enjoys it. Remember your goals: stop the behavior and keep it from recurring. Rewards for not doing the misbehavior can often be much more effective than negative consequences (for example, if a young child is waking you at the crack of dawn, giving a small reward (praise is enough for some children) each time he stays in his room until a certain hour might get better results than taking away a favorite toy every time he doesn’t). Consider using emotion-coaching skills (empathizing, connecting, setting limits on inappropriate expression of emotion, and problem-solving with them). This is often more effective than giving consequences because it addresses the misbehavior while strengthening the relationship and supporting the child’s self-esteem. Prevention is another important area that is easy to overlook – structuring things so that the misbehavior can’t be done in the future (usually by setting routines and teaching rules. For example, if the misbehavior is coloring on the wall, a rule for the future might be that you only get to hold a crayon if you’re seated at the table).

One last reason to use something other than a logical consequence – sometimes you just can’t think of one! When that happens it could be a sign that a logical consequence isn’t the way to go. Since we often find ourselves wearing the disciplinarian hat far more than we want to anyway, we might as well try one of the other techniques. Who knows? Maybe we’ll find a result of giving fewer consequences is that our child needs them less, and we can wear the fun hat more often.

Q: I have a 9 year-old and a 16 year-old and with both I sometimes struggle with figuring out appropriate punishments. My husband thinks mine are too severe and my teenager recently told me that what I came up with yesterday “didn’t make sense.” And I agreed with her! But I didn’t know what else to do. How do you figure out a good consequence?
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A: That’s a great question. First, let’s differentiate between punishment and logical consequences. Punishment uses shame to enforce compliance to the rules and create discomfort. It results in the child feeling not only ashamed but also discouraged, resentful, and angry. It’s personal and you are the bad guy. Punishment teaches avoidance of the punisher and in the face of frequent punishment children tend to become skillful in the art of deception and evasion. If they do comply to avoid punishment it is done out of fear and with resentment. Punishment often only works in the short-term and becomes ineffective as they learn to tolerate that discomfort, at which point you are forced to up the ante. We often punish as a reaction rather than a response. Logical consequences allow the child to maintain their dignity and therefore be more capable of using the situation as a learning experience where they understand how and why to make a better choice next time. Logical consequences strengthen the child’s self-respect and your relationship with them and promote responsibility and a positive self-concept. They teach lessons so they work better long-term. They are logical, not personal, and you are a neutral party (and in the best circumstances, a teammate).

Simple in theory but not in practice! What parent hasn’t struggled with figuring out consequences from time to time? It’s not always easy to dole out a logical consequence right when you need to. In the moment we might be so annoyed or scared or frustrated that we just aren’t able to come up with something appropriate and instead give an emotion-based consequence that is ineffective and maybe even hurts the relationship or our child’s self-esteem. So practice taking a breather. Literally. Leave the room and take some slow belly breaths. For a few minutes keep your mind on your breathing and off the situation. Then try some self-talk focused on compassion and empathy for your child so you can return to the discussion in a more reasonable state of mind. Respond to the misbehavior only after calming down, empathizing, and brainstorming a logical consequence if you have to. There are several things I’d recommend trying before logical consequences, and we’ll discuss them in next month’s article. Right now we’ll address your question about logical consequences.

Logical consequences are ones picked by you (or everyone in a family meeting) and enforced by you. Whenever possible they are decided in advance (saves you from having to think on the fly!). They are respectful to the child – stated kindly and firmly, avoiding judgment and shame; relevant to the behavior (a common one is removing the privilege that was misused); and reasonable – proportionate to the crime and truly do-able. If any one of these three factors aren’t present it’s not logical consequences, it’s punishment.

It can be hard to be respectful while we’re disciplining but this is so important. Not only do we want to preserve our child’s self-esteem but we want to strengthen our relationship with them which we can actually do while setting limits, if we’re respectful. Also, we are always modeling for our children so when we treat them with disrespect because they made a poor choice or because we are feeling something intense, it teaches them to treat others that way when the tables are turned. Being respectful means using respectful words and a calm and kind or neutral tone of voice, facial expression, and body language. Again, much easier if you have done the prep work of empathizing.

Parents often struggle with the “relevant to the misbehavior” aspect of logical consequences but with practice it gets easier. Sometimes it’s as obvious as losing the misused toy or abused privilege for the rest of the day. But what happens when your kid misses the school bus by purposefully dawdling while tying his shoes? Driving him to school and having him do extra chores to pay for the gas might be an appropriate consequence. Sometimes you have to get creative to keep it related. Resist the urge to simply take away his favorite thing if it had nothing to do with the misbehavior.

Like the others, “reasonable,” will be easier to achieve when you’re calm. It can be tempting to take away your teen’s phone for the rest of the year when she used it to text her boyfriend during class again. But that sets you up for a long time of having to enforce this consequence and deal with whining and inconvenience and maybe feeling guilty, and you might cave. If you do, your child learns your consequences are flimsy and can be changed with enough whining. If you don’t, your child will think of you as unfair (and after you’ve calmed down and gotten some perspective you might agree!). Also, if your consequences are so big that your child feels hopeless about enduring them you will be creating more problems in attitude and behavior than you are solving. Make sure your consequences are reasonable before you lay down the law.

Be consistent with logical consequences so you don’t accidentally reinforce the problem behavior by allowing them to “get away with it” intermittently (a powerful motivator for some kids). Along those lines, follow through with the consequence after you’ve given fair warning – you don’t want to become known for issuing empty threats. Whenever possible, before giving a logical consequence tell your child what will happen if they choose to misbehave.: “If you choose to throw sand at kids at the park we will leave and come back home.” That way the child is fully informed and not only gets to practice making choices but also you won’t have to defend yourself against accusations that they didn’t know what would happen and you’re not being fair (and probably wonder yourself). Though it might be much easier to punish rather than use logical consequences, taking the time to do the latter is more likely to result in a good relationship with a child who has a good sense of responsibility and desire to do what’s right.

Next month: Things to Try Before Using Logical Consequences

Q: My 4th grade daughter has been in a really bad mood lately – moping around, angry, crying sometimes. My wife and I handle it in different ways: I try to distract her and get her mind on something fun, and my wife pushes her to talk about what’s wrong. Nothing we’ve tried works and we’re arguing with each other a lot about how to help her. Any advice?
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A: This is a great question. You’re both probably approaching your daughter with techniques that used to work with her or techniques that work for you. If there’s one thing we know about kids, it’s that they’re always changing and what worked on Tuesday might not work on Wednesday. And it’s true that what works for one person won’t necessarily work for another. It sounds like this situation would be a good time to practice an Emotion Coaching parenting style. The research of John Gottman has shown us the benefit to viewing difficult emotions as an opportunity to connect. He describes Emotion Coaching Parents as parents who are comfortable with difficult emotions in themselves and others. They notice the feelings are there and can identify them (can distinguish between different emotions and label them correctly). They view their child’s difficult emotions as a chance to connect and teach. They approach their child gently and with sincere interest and listen empathically while validating the child’s feelings. They help the child label the emotion he or she is having and set limits on emotional expression while helping the child problem-solve.

In contrast, Dismissing Parents and Disapproving Parents tend to disengage from their child in distress because they feel uncomfortable with difficult emotions and are focused on having those emotions go away as soon as possible. They don’t help their child name their emotions or assist them in problem-solving. They are more likely to avoid any discussion about it or tell them what to do. The child doesn’t feel heard and understood and doesn’t learn to become more comfortable with difficult emotions, figure out how to cope with them, or learn problem-solving skills. Disapproving Parents tend to also have a shaming, critical message during their child’s distress. Laissez-Faire parents are on the other end of the spectrum. They believe any emotion and any emotional expression is appropriate, so while they can sit with their child through the difficult emotions, they don’t teach the child about coping or problem-solving.

Children of Dismissing Parents and Disapproving Parents tend to struggle with trusting and accepting their emotions because they believe that negative emotions are wrong and bad and shouldn’t exist. They struggle with calming themselves and figuring out solutions. Children of Disapproving Parents also struggle with self esteem. Children of Laissez-Faire Parents have trouble forming friendships and getting along with others. All of these children struggle with emotion regulation because they weren’t taught what emotions are and how to calm themselves.

Don’t despair if you feel like the Dismissing, Disapproving, or Laissez-Faire Parent describes you at times! All these parents can be loving, smart parents who want to do their best for their children. The difference amongst the four types of Parenting Styles is the comfort level with emotions and skill sets in teaching about what emotions are, how to regulate them, and how to problem-solve. These are all skills that can be learned. And if you feel like your daughter is struggling with something or in some way that is truly beyond your scope, and if she is talking about hurting herself or engaging in self-injurious behaviors, I’d recommend asking her if she’d like to talk with a neutral third party and contact a therapist in your area. This person can talk directly with your daughter and also work with you on connecting with your daughter during hard times.

Q: My 6 year old is now suddenly afraid of a lot of things – getting on the bus, staying with a sitter, getting hurt, etc. I spend hours every day trying to convince her she has nothing to worry about but it doesn’t help. I’m getting very frustrated but also worried for her because I see her life getting more limited as she avoids the things she’s worried about, and my life is starting to feel more limited as I have to compensate (I drive her to school now every morning). What can I do to help her?
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A:It is so hard to see our child suffer, and when we can’t fix it it’s easy to get caught in the frustration/guilt loop. The good news is there are a lot of things we can do to help our child learn to manage anxiety, and if needed we can call on professionals. It’s important to remember that anxiety itself isn’t “bad.” We all feel anxious sometimes – no species would survive without a healthy dose of it. Not only does it play a critical role in keeping us alive but studies show that a small amount of anxiety can boost our performance. We deal with anxiety by controlling and avoiding, and it can work well or backfire. Anxiety in childhood is considered a problem when rational anxiety becomes irrational fear or chronic worry and interferes with at least one area of life to the point that it triggers inappropriate behaviors or they can’t participate in age-appropriate activities. The onset of clinical anxiety is usually around six years old and symptoms can escalate around age ten. Somatic complaints are common: stomachaches, GI distress, headaches, muscular pain, even injuries. Don’t be quick to assume your child is faking – it’s normal for anxiety to be experienced as physical symptoms. Some of this is the fight or flight system doing its job in ways that aren’t very helpful when there’s not actually a reason to fight or flee.

Children can struggle with different types of anxiety, and often more than one (separation anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, phobias, social anxiety, generalized anxiety disorder). Their anxiety is often misread as depression, ADHD, or a learning disorder because the effects of stress hormones (adrenaline and cortisol) can present in a variety of ways: oppositional, irritable, moody, tearful, distractible, confused, disorganized, fidgety, isolating. After ruling out any medical reasons for anxiety, consider having your child meet with a specialist to help them learn to manage it. There are many options available to help children with severe anxiety: art therapy, play therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, neurofeedback, and medication are some. Those professionals will work out a treatment plan for your child and instruct you on how to participate in it at home.

In general, you want to help your anxious child learn to identify anxiety, express it effectively, and manage it in a healthy way. Often parents take the child’s lead and try to remove all stressors from the child’s life so they don’t feel anxious but actually the goal is to create an environment where they can feel anxiety and triumph over it. You don’t want to knowingly expose the child to more anxiety than they have internal skills to manage but you also don’t want to teach them that avoidance is the best way to manage anxiety. Here are some things you could try:

• Start by talking to them about it. Many parents want to ignore their child’s anxiety in hopes of extinguishing it. That could work for mild, typical anxiety but if it’s a real problem the child might feel invalidated and escalate their behaviors to be heard. Sometimes good old-fashioned empathy can help a lot. But know that it’s common for children to be unable to verbalize anxiety, or indicate something other than the true culprit. It’s hard for many of us to know why we feel anxious, but children especially have trouble acknowledging that. When exploring their anxiety with them try to avoid using the word “why.” It can sound like an accusation (even to adults) and children are particularly prone to wanting to please and are likely to interpret “why” as they’ve done something wrong. Try “how come” and questions that start with “what,” “when,” “where,” “are” and “is.” (One thing to keep in mind is that physical or sexual abuse can result in children being anxious about things that remind them of the offense, like the offender, place of offense, time of day of the offense, etc., but emotionally shut down about it and be unable to verbalize anything about it.)
• Get objective collateral information about your child’s functioning from teachers, babysitters, and other adults who see your child when you’re not there. This will help you figure out triggers and patterns and allow everyone who spends the most time with your child to work as a team. 
• Teach them to self-soothe physiologically with diaphragmatic breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, and relaxing visualization techniques. These methods can be modified for any age. Fun visualization can help decrease physical manifestations of anxiety – imagine a “good” shark biting off chunks of that knot in your stomach and with each bite the knot gets smaller, imagine throwing that worry thought onto a cloud passing by and it carries it away, etc.
• Try some compassionate reality-testing. Have them write down or draw what they’ve been worried about and later see if it happened. Doing this over time will show that either their worst fear doesn’t tend to come true or their fears sometimes come true and they are still okay. Then talk with them about how they would handle it if their fear came true. When we get wrapped up in anxiety we often stop at the “that would be so bad! I don’t know what I would do/I wouldn’t be okay” part. Usually when we think about it we know how we would handle it and just knowing that can help quell fear because it’s reassuring to have a plan. Plus, over time this can translate into a belief that one can handle difficult things in the moment.
• Teach your child how to fantasize in a realistic or positive way. They are already very good at negative fantasizing and have trained their brain to do that without any effort. Train them to drift off to sleep with a positive fantasy about the next day, or have a realistic fantasy as they approach the event that worries them.
• Coach your child in positive self-talk. Just as we teach our children how to talk to others we can teach them to talk to themselves in a supportive, loving way. “I can handle it” and “I will be okay” are hugely powerful beliefs to instill.
• Don’t underestimate the power of prevention! Many children (and adults for that matter) do well with knowing what to expect in the day. For your child this might look like a brief discussion (or pictures) in the morning or the night before. Also, try to prevent them getting overly tired or hungry (teach them how to know these signs) since those conditions make them particularly vulnerable to stress.

Remember that you are a powerful role model for your child so if they see you anxious it will fuel their anxiety, and if they see you using these techniques they’re likely to try them. Learning to deal with anxiety is a process. Keep doing your best with empathy and compassion and trying new things, and remember that your child is also doing their best. Childhood anxiety often passes in the natural course of learning about the world and how to cope so don’t assume this will always be a problem for your child.

Q: My 3 year old son is generally a sweet kid but he’s a beast when it comes to sharing! I model it at home and we practice it together when we play, but he just won’t do it with other kids. Trying to encourage sharing in the moment hasn’t helped – he just seems to dig his heels in faster and harder now. I don’t want him to be seen as unfriendly or a bully so I usually end up making him give his toy to the other kid but that makes the situation worse and feels hypocritical to me since I don’t want him to learn to yank things away from others. What’s the best way to teach him to share?
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A: Anyone with a kid (or two, or three) knows that unfortunately, sharing is not something that comes naturally and easily to us humans. But it’s a crucial life skill (indeed, civilization would have died off long ago were it not for sharing) and one well worth teaching to our children. When we talk about sharing we’re talking about something more than just handing our item over to someone else, no questions asked. Because really, we wouldn’t want our kids to learn that for the real world. Sharing refers to skills for both parties, including communication skills, assertiveness, empathy to some extent, waiting patiently, and negotiation skills. When you think about it, it’s pretty complex and no wonder children struggle to do it gracefully!

Toddler possessiveness is a normal part of development. It stems from anxiety that occurs when one thinks they don’t or won’t have what they need. So when your son is freaking out because he wants that truck the other kid is using, he feels he needs that toy in order to be okay. If this seems hard to understand, think back to a time in life when you thought you’d be okay if only this person liked you, or you had more money, or a particular job, etc. We’ve all been there. But toddlers have a disadvantage by virtue of having less life experience and therefore less insight and fewer skills. Not only are they often used to playing with their own toys for as long as they want at home (depending partly on whether they have siblings), but they may be particularly possessive when they’re feeling unsure about a new situation or are out of their routine and therefore need a sense of control and security. Or when they’re tired. Or hungry. Or sick. Or not getting their way. Or it’s Tuesday. You get my drift.

I can appreciate your dilemma with wanting your child to share with friends and sometimes, against your better judgment, forcing him to share to help him avoid unwanted social consequences. I agree with you that when we do that we aren’t sending the message we want to send. Rather than teaching social and emotional benefits, forced sharing reinforces the belief that they need to be anxious and protective of their stuff because it might get yanked away, and furthermore that it’s okay to snatch from someone if you want something they have.

So what to do instead? First, consider standing back and seeing what happens. Even young children often find a way to resolve social conflict naturally but it doesn’t necessarily come quickly or easily. I know it can be so hard to see our children struggle but struggle is not the same as suffering. We grow through struggle, and when we save someone from struggle we deprive them of that growth opportunity. Remember that the purpose in these interactions isn’t to avoid difficult feelings at any cost. The purpose is to help our children develop insights and skills for the rest of their lives.

If the conflict looks like they’re heading into dueling tantrum mode consider jumping in as coach for either or both children. Non-judgmentally narrating what is occurring can help them develop social awareness. Start with observational narration: “He’s using the crayon to draw his picture.” Use empathy to help the child feel understood: “I can see that you really want that crayon.” Ask questions like, “I wonder if he was finished with that? What do you think he would say if we asked him?” Help build emotional intelligence by naming emotions: “You are angry.” “He looks sad.” Encourage social skills: “What could we do to help him feel happy?” If things don’t take off from there, suggest playing together with the toy. If that falls flat you could suggest the concept of swapping (especially helpful when a much younger child is involved, for instance a toddler taking a toy from a baby) and turn-taking. When guiding turn-taking, allow the child with the toy to determine how long his turn lasts (chances are he won’t need a very long turn once the wrestling match has stopped). Work with the other child on patience, helping him find something else to engage in while he waits his turn. Continue to empathize and support: “I know it’s hard to wait. I’ll help you” (this compassion might help him feel safe enough to cry even harder and get those big feelings out, or he might feel heard and understood and relax immediately). And then when your child does try out any of these skills remember to praise him for his hard work and kindness.

Though what you might want to do these days is avoid situations where sharing will be an issue, it’s important for your son to be exposed to sharing experiences regularly. Host play dates and prepare him by modeling and role-playing the aforementioned skills (turn-taking, “playing with”, and offering to swap). Ask him beforehand if there is a toy he will not be willing to share and then put that toy out of sight. Remind him that the other toys are for everyone to use. The more he sees that sharing is a normal occurrence and that he will be okay, and the more he can experience the benefits of sharing, the more comfortable he’ll feel when it comes up. He’ll go from a sharing beast to a prince in no time.

Q: I am struggling to set limits with my son who is not yet two years old. The thing I’m most concerned about is safety – he laughs and squirms away when I try to hold his hand or tell him he cannot go into the road or parking lot. He is so curious and adventurous; I don’t want to crush his spirit but I’m afraid one of these days he’s going to get really hurt. He does things like dig around in our key drawer where we keep all our important items. He outsmarted the child lock and doesn’t listen when I say ‘No’ countless times. I tried time-out once for two minutes in his crib and he cried the whole time. I don’t want to ruin the positive association he has with sleeping in his crib so I don’t plan to do that again. I would love your input on this! He is so sweet, and I think it is mostly developmental, but also an important time to start disciplining in an effective way.
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A: Under two can be a tough age! They’re developed enough to be able to move around quickly but not mature enough to have a good sense of safety. Plus at this age they’re all about being independent so they want to do everything on their own, and when they sense there are too many boundaries they feel powerless, get angry, and have a meltdown. It’s a normal part of toddlers’ development, but you’re right, now is the time to start teaching about safe behaviors and part of that means setting limits.

It helps to understand that children of all ages have several developmental needs they are constantly striving to get met: the need to feel safe, to receive attention (positive or negative), to explore, to master skills, to feel powerful, and to individuate (become their own person and not be an extension of you as they were in babyhood). Tantrums stem from these unmet needs – and no, that doesn’t mean that when your child has a tantrum you’re a terrible parent because you didn’t meet their need. We can only do our best at knowing their need and meeting it right when they need it in just the way they want it. Children can be picky!

Here are some guidelines for effectively setting safety limits. First, anticipate and intervene, which you’re already doing because now you expect he’ll try to run into the road and you stop him. Guess at his intention: “You really want to cross the road all by yourself, don’t you!” With verbal children ask about their intentions in an honestly curious way and listen to their answer without judgment or shame. Then validate the intention: “It would be exciting to run across alone because we always make you hold our hands when we cross the street and you want to do it by yourself like a big boy.” It’s easier to validate when you link the unwanted behavior to the understandable developmental need (in this example, probably explore, master, individuate, feel powerful). Then set a limit clearly and succinctly, using positive language since negative language (“don’t) can actually be confusing for young children as they have to understand what they aren’t supposed to do and then figure out what they are supposed to do: “We always hold hands when we cross the street.” Give a brief explanation: “There are cars on the street that can hurt you by accident and I don’t want you to get hurt so you need to hold my hand to stay safe.” If he’s still fighting you and is not able to be safe give an honest choice: “You can hold my hand or I will carry you.”

Remember that helping your child learn to respect limits is a process, so don’t expect a complete change of behavior overnight! It’s important to continue teaching in between the actual events, since having a tantrum or being excited on the roadside might not be the best time for new information to sink in. Children learn best with by doing and playing. At home you could play “cross the road” with his toys, modeling safe steps for crossing the road and the positive consequences afterwards (safety, praise, maybe some silliness like a “Crossed the Road” song). Also, talk about crossing the road ahead of time. Even if it seems like he doesn’t understand, trust that it is sinking in little by little and he probably understands more than you think. Prepare him step-by-step for what will happen when you get to the roadside. Then when you get there follow through with the steps (while talking about them) and involve him in the process, ideally in an engaging way. Get down on his level and point in the different directions, if there are cars or not, demonstrating how to look with his eyes and listen with his ears, pointing out if there’s a red light, a “walk” sign and what that means, etc. In fact this can validate and meet his need to be powerful and have mastery in situations, because he may be able to take the lead in saying the steps he’s learned during play.

Rewards and consequences can play a role in behavior as well, though as you noticed time-out is generally minimally effective as a consequence. In addition to the above proactive learning-through-play, you could prompt that is he behaves well in various situations he will get an extra story at bedtime, or extended play during bath time, etc. (I prefer these relational and activity rewards to buying things). Likewise a consequence could ensue such as taking away his favorite toy for a day. But try positive approaches such as learning through play and rewards first, as they make him feel better about the situation, and use consequences instance by instance only if he doesn’t respond to the positive approaches.

And always remember that stages pass, and you will not have a 17-year-old son dashing across the road without looking. Probably.