Archive for: Ask Anything!

Q: After divorcing my husband a few months ago, I met a really wonderful man who I want to introduce to my children. I’m sure there are right ways and wrong ways to go about this and I want to set them up for a good relationship.
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A: That’s a great question, one that can be hard to figure out when you’re in the throes of new love. Parents are often eager to introduce their new partner to their children for both emotional and practical reasons. Experts recommend waiting a year after the official divorce to introduce the kids to your partner. The reasoning behind this is that children need time to understand that their parents will not reconcile, and to grieve the loss. Asking them to accept someone new before they have a chance to grieve sets them up to view your partner as the reason for the dissolution of their family or at least an obstacle to fixing it, and they are more likely to view your partner as a threat, since they might already be struggling with the loss of one or both parents (in some form) and fear losing you further.

It is also recommended that you introduce the kids to your partner only after you’re confident the relationship is stable (i.e. emotionally healthy) and permanent – you don’t want to ask them to bond with someone who might not stay. This second loss of a family unit can be traumatic and teach children to expect loss. Another reason to wait is that you want to ensure that your partner is not just a good companion for you but a good living partner and someone that could potentially have a positive relationship with your children. Those are things that take time to truly know. So before introducing them to your children, talk to them about all things children and parenting to see if they share similar values around this critical piece of your life. Experts recommend introducing your partner to your children after dating exclusively for at least six months, and then only if your children have worked through the grief process from the divorce.

So the general consensus among child and divorce specialists is to take your time with introducing your partner to your kids. Here’s some more expert advice:

• Tell the other parent and close family members that you intend to introduce your significant other to your children before you do it. You want them to be in the loop so they can be a good support for your kids if they need it.
• Have your kids meet your partner as a “friend,” but be honest if your children ask you if you’re dating. You want to give them accurate information but not more than they need to know or more than they can handle.
• Have them meet in a neutral spot, briefly and with a defined end time. Make it a casual event with no pressure to talk – a group get-together, or an activity that people can focus on. If your partner has kids, don’t invite them along the first few times.
• After a meeting or two like that, spend time together in a way that allows for more conversation between your partner and child (e.g., a meal after a movie).
• Hold off on sleepovers until your child is somewhat comfortable with your new relationship.
• Don’t try to convince them to like your partner. Invite their emotions and convey that whatever they feel is okay (but behaving inappropriately is not). Let them know your partner is not a replacement for their other parent. Reassure them that your relationship with them won’t change – schedule alone time with your children so they see you’re not going anywhere.

Of course, it can be hard or even impossible sometimes to follow these guidelines, and even if you do all of it an easy transition is no guarantee. If you feel like your child is struggling with you having a new romantic partner (a decline in grades, dropping out of extracurricular, a negative change in social groups, isolation, unusually sullen or sad behavior at home), consider meeting with a specialist who can help the family navigate this life experience and come out strong.

Q: Help! My 3 year-old won’t let me leave his room when it’s time to sleep. He keeps coming out and won’t settle into bed unless my husband or I are in there with him. Sometimes it only takes 10 minutes for him to fall asleep but sometimes it’s longer and we often fall asleep ourselves. We haven’t been able to figure out what the problem is. I’m concerned about it becoming a habit. How do we get him to stay in his room and fall asleep on his own?
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A: A preschooler’s sleep problem is everybody’s sleep problem. Late night crying or playing can wake family members or keep them from falling asleep in the first place. Nighttime wandering (not to be confused with sleepwalking) can be a safety issue. And then there is the joy of waking up at 3 am with a small face an inch from yours, or jolted awake from cold little feet on your back.

True sleep disorders are rare in children (but they do occur, so talk to your pediatrician to rule that out) but sleep problems are common in preschool years. It’s likely that there are some habits that are interfering with their ability to fall asleep. And that’s a good thing because that’s where you can make some changes.

It’s good to start with knowing how much sleep your child needs. In general, kids ages 1-3 need 12-14 hours of sleep in a 24-hour period. Kids ages 3-5 need 11-13 hours of sleep. Three can be a tricky age because they might be phasing out of napping. If they fall asleep toward the end of what is now Quiet Time, resist the urge to let them nap late in the day because it could make falling asleep at bedtime more difficult. That said, being overly tired can also interfere with their ability to fall asleep. If you’re now thinking that it sounds impossible to find the perfect moment to put your child to bed, take heart. Most likely you just need to change a few things and give them a chance to adjust to a new routine.

Good sleep hygiene is imperative when sleep is amiss. Start by getting rid of factors that can keep your child from getting sleepy: any kind of monitor or screen in the hour before bed (blue wavelength light is deeply stimulating), spicy foods or caffeine (in chocolate cookies or coffee ice cream), sugar, bright light (which can trip up their circadian rhythm), and roughhousing before bed (gets adrenaline pumping). If their bladder is interfering with sleep, restrict liquids for 2 hours before bed. If a pet is interfering with their sleep, remove it from the room.

Other sleep hygiene habits that are important for many kids to fall asleep or stay asleep include doing a relaxing bedtime routine and waking at the same time every day (so their body gets into a rhythm), using the bed only for sleep (so they don’t associate their bed with energizing activity), having a positive association with their bedroom (if they are sent there as punishment it can be hard to associate it with relaxing sleep), enjoying the regular pre-bedtime quiet activity (to get them into a relaxed, positive mood), and dimming the light for 30-60 minutes before bedtime (to release melatonin, which makes people feel sleepy). Keep their bedtime routine consistent, allow them a security object, and keep the bedroom cool, quiet, and dark. Many parents have found it helpful to keep the door cracked open, use nightlights, white noise or soothing music, or quietly play a relaxing children’s audiobook (might help a restless child focus and drift into sleep).

Now for ideas to help your son let you leave their room easily so you can have that small window of time before your own bedtime that can be important to a healthy marriage (or your own sanity). First, explain to him that the expectation is that once you’ve left he stays in his room and doesn’t turn the lights on. Now, ditch the idea of punishing him for his poor sleep – he doesn’t like it any more than you do. Give him an incentive – figure out a reward that you could reasonably give for several weeks the morning after he’s met the expectation (a temporary tattoo, hand stamps, sprinkles on his oatmeal or a squirt of whipped cream on his waffle if there are no food-related concerns). If he forgets about the reward at night, put a picture of it where he can easily see it. Give him praise the next morning for earning it when he does; say little or nothing about it when he doesn’t (if he asks for his reward without having earned it, calmly and briefly explain why he isn’t receiving it and end with a vote of confidence that he will stay in his room tonight and earn it tomorrow).

Another idea is to start the routine you described, but instead of staying there until he’s asleep you stay in his room until he gets sleepy. Then tell him you’ll be in to check on him in one minute (or if he can’t tolerate one minute say “I’ll be right back” and come back in 30 seconds. If he’s not easily letting you go at all and is getting riled up and more awake, tell him you are going to use the bathroom or something else that he can understand and be okay with). Check in on him when promised but don’t stay; say “I’ll be back in 2 minutes” and then maybe next time it’s 5 minutes. Gradually increase the amount of time you stay out of the room so that he gets used to being in there without you. After one or a few nights, start leaving right after putting him to bed. Maybe you can start with “I’ll check on you in 5 minutes.” Maybe you don’t need to give times after a while, and just say “I’ll be back to check on you.” If he comes out of his room, gently lead him back without talking or emotion and put him back in bed saying that you’ll be back to check on him. The point here is to help him develop trust that you’ll come back, that he can be alone in his room without you at bedtime, and eventually that he can fall asleep on his own.

Remember that it can take up to a month to change a habit. Give something a try for 2-4 weeks before deciding that it doesn’t work. Don’t lose hope – something will work or change on its own in time. I guarantee you won’t find yourself falling asleep on your 17 year-old son’s floor.

Q: I’m a mom of two young boys who seem intent on killing each other. Every time I turn around they’re rolling around on the floor in a tangle or jumping on each other. I feel like I spend half my time warning them to stop or pulling them apart. My husband tells me that they’re “just playing” and he even initiates it sometimes! I need advice on how to handle this.
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A: Roughhousing can look dangerous, I know. And of course, like any social and physical activity, it can end up with tears, hurt feelings, and injury. But with true roughhousing that doesn’t usually happen – and it’s not what the kids remember about it.

Roughhousing or horseplay (rowdy, physical, interactive play) starts in toddler years and usually ends in high school (and then resurfaces again in fatherhood!). Boys tend to roughhouse more than girls, which helps explain why your husband jumps into the fun. It’s a language of sorts for boys; a way of saying “I like you” without overt vulnerability. In adolescence it can be a vehicle for establishing a social hierarchy. And it’s a natural form of bonding for fathers which is great because research shows us there are a lot of benefits to roughhousing. In fact, it’s especially good for a child to practice roughhousing with a parent who’s good at it so the child learns these life skills as well as how to roughhouse with friends.

So what exactly are the benefits of perfecting the Peter Parker or leaping like a flying squirrel off the couch onto your brother’s back? Physical fitness (strength, coordination, body control, flexibility, agility, quickness, complex motor learning, and cardio), emotional intelligence (reading social cues, being tuned in to your partner’s emotional state, regulating your own emotions and actions in response), social skills (teamwork, trust, leadership, negotiation, setting and following rules, good-natured competition), intelligence (anticipating moves, faking someone out, creating new moves), and energy discharge. It also teaches that there is more to physical contact than sex and violence, that winning isn’t everything and there is strength in compassion, and it helps kids develop inner strength and physical confidence. Horseplay (particularly when done with a parent who is good at it) provides the endorphin rush of athletics with the oxytocin of loving touch. It also releases a chemical (BDNF) that stimulates neuron growth in the regions of the brain responsible for emotional memory, learning, language, and logic.

And let’s not forget the loving bonding that is forged between sparring partners in good roughhousing. Having fun is hugely important in developing a strong relationship with your child, so if this is what they love to do, figure out how to do it really well and jump into the fray!

Good horseplay starts with rules – spoken and unspoken, which means that people may need some time and assistance to understand them well. Skillful roughhousers know when to ramp it up and dial it down. They know exciting but safe moves. They’re willing to let the other person lead and take direction while working together to try a new move. They make sure that the other person is in the right frame of mind before initiating play, and they respect the other person’s right to stop at any time. It’s a good idea to have a code word since typical ones like “stop!” might be part of the game, especially if role-play is involved (eg. cops and robbers). The person with the physical advantage could self-handicap to make the play more even and fun for everybody. When roughhousing with your kids remember that their joints are prone to injuries so be gentle on those shoulders, and avoid roughhousing right before bed unless you want a late night TV buddy and the hairy eyeball from the other parent.

Parents need to be able to differentiate between horseplay, torment, and fighting. It’s not easy, especially for moms who didn’t grow up with brothers. One study showed that 8 and 11yo kids were able to tell the difference from videos 85% of the time. Adult men were right 70% of the time, as were women who grew up with brothers. Women who didn’t grow up with brothers thought all the videos were real fighting. Here are some key differences between horseplay and something more serious: in play, kids are smiling and having fun, taking turns, holding back in capability, and it often occurs with a group of boys who play together happily afterwards. In fights kids are crying or angry, trying to hurt each other, and usually involves only two kids who don’t want to play together afterwards. If you’re not sure which it is, ask “Are you having fun?” If one or both kids are having a hard time disengaging when they need to, a parent should intervene with a time out and cool down and afterwards help them talk about if they thought it was fun or scary or too rough, etc. Research shows that roughhousing doesn’t usually get out of hand. But sometimes a child does take it too far, and these kids often tend to struggle with self-control, emotion regulation, or can’t read others’ emotions accurately, and would benefit from coaching in those areas. In particular, young, hyperactive kids can develop more self-control through a lot of coached roughhousing with the parent gently and firmly dominating.

If you’re still not sold on roughhousing, consider this: studies of horseplay found that kids who do it more at home get better grades up to third grade and make better friends than those who don’t. Kids who roughhouse at home are less violent outside the home because they can differentiate between horseplay and aggression. Studies show that the more intelligent species and the most competitive societies engage in physical play in youth more than others do. Animals deprived of physical play tend to grow up to imagine physical threats where there are none. Lack of horseplay is linked to inadequate control of violent impulses in adulthood. Sold yet?

Make room (in your heart and your living room) for roughhousing because the more you allow it the less your kids will try to do it dangerously when you’re not around. Teach them horseplay skills to open them up to developing all those hugely important life skills. You will see bruises and scrapes and rug burns, but probably no one will lose an eye. (Probably.)

Q: I have three kids (3, 7, and 12) and each of them has about a million toys. Our house always looks like a tornado hit it and I don’t think they use most of these items anyway! The holidays are coming and I know I can’t control what other people give the kids but I don’t want to contribute to the clutter. Help!

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A: I’m with you – kids’ toys take up a lot of room! It can be hard sometimes to not just think but act outside the box when it comes to the end of year holidays. We’re hit with commercials, billboards, store windows, and general holiday excitement before the last trick-or-treater comes around. Consider your family values and make some of your gift-giving congruent with them so you’re controlling the level of ‘stuff’ and sending messages with actions and not just words. Here are some gift ideas:

• Buy experiences. Don’t worry, I’m not talking Disney World here. Gift vouchers for the movies, a favorite restaurant, bowling night, mini-golf day, trip to the zoo, whatever floats your kid’s boat. There are indoor parks – water, playground, even trampoline! – that are lifesavers for days when you really need somewhere to go and it’s not feasible to be outside. Sporting events, tickets to a play or a concert… the possibilities on this one are endless. You could make it special time with a parent or two, take along the siblings, or invite Grandma and Grandpa or a friend. This also supports the value of quality time together!
• Classes. Buy a class or a course for something your child likes or might like. If he loves watching Jackie Chan and spends all afternoon flying around the living room furniture, he might like a martial arts class. Making cookies can be almost as fun as eating them (and in kids’ baking classes you get to do both!) and might create a kitchen helper if you don’t already have one. Then there’s art, music, dance, computer stuff, robotics… there’s no end to the classes are offered to kids these days.
• Memberships. Is there a children’s museum near you? Those are great because they have some stuff that is always there and can become a familiar favorite, and they also have rotating exhibitions/activities to keep things from getting boring. Depending on your child’s age and personality they might be interested in museums that are not specifically for children.
• Redecorate their bedroom. This can be extravagant and include all new furniture or be more budget friendly and include a paint job and maybe a new bedspread. Kids’ interests and preferences change as they mature and what appealed to them a few years ago (or to you when you decorated the nursery) might not appeal to them now. Let them pick the color or colors (hey, who’s it going to hurt if all four walls are different?). Maybe they want a stripe here or there. Wall decals are another great way to add personality to a room, and are removeable to boot!
• Grow something. Okay, this one’s a thing. But it’ll be an outside thing (right away or eventually, depending on what you choose to grow). Nurturing a living thing can be a powerful experience for any age, especially if they have a little guidance along the way to make it meaningful (and hopefully successful).
• E-books. If your kid is a reader and has a Kindle or an iPad, an e-book is a great gift that doesn’t take up space.
• Sponsor a child in another country. Sometimes it can be hard for kids (and adults) to really develop interest and compassion for someone who seems so far from them – in terms of distance and also lifestyle and experience. Some sponsorship programs allow you to communicate with the child you sponsor so your kid can feel connected, learn about another culture, and understand what value their gift has for someone in need. Maybe sponsor a child with the same birthday as your child to make it more meaningful.
• Subscriptions. Another thing. But these things can be thrown away or recycled after they’re read so they don’t take up room. Plus, kids love getting mail! Kids’ magazines have gotten popular and offer a variety of topics to feed your kid’s natural desire to learn.
• Cook together. I love this one because you can tweak it just a bit to feed different interests. If your kid is into science, you could prep yourself on the scientific basics of cooking (what does baking soda do to a cookie?) and make the process a fascinating science lesson with a delicious ending. If you have a kid who likes to cook then have them help plan out the whole process (find a recipe, shop, make the dish). If your child just loves playing pretend then don a wig along with your apron and get ready to play sous chef to their Alton Brown or Julia Child.
• Downloads. Vouchers for computer games, apps, or music.
• Meet a hero. Your kid’s favorite TV character might already be booked but if your child desperately wants to be a firefighter or a veterinarian, you might be able to make that happen through friends or just your local friendly neighborhood citizens. Who doesn’t want to meet an adoring fan and field questions about their amazing job?
• Photoshop a picture of them. Okay, this might be a thing because if you love how it turns out you might print it out and frame it, or have it made into a blanket or printed on metal, wood, or canvas. But just think of how your superhero-obsessed seven- year-old would love a picture of herself in full gear, saving someone in distress. Or as a rock-star killing it onstage in front of a million adoring fans. Or as a princess riding a unicorn. Whatever your kid’s current interest, having a piece of memorabilia (even if it just exists as the laptop wallpaper) can be enjoyed for a lifetime.
• Secret Hideaway. This one is only for those lucky parents who have a bit of unused storage space and a strong motivation to win Parents of the Year. You know those half-doors that allow you to toss a bunch of junk out of sight, between walls? The doors that maybe you never open because it’s a pain to move the bed to access it and then bend down awkwardly to wrestle things in and out? Transform it into a Secret Hideaway! Insulate it, put up some drywall, paint the walls, install some carpeting, and make it homey with a beanbag, a small shelf, and a picture. Boom. Every kid’s dream.

As tempting as it may be, I’d resist making every gift a non-thing item. The younger the child is the harder it is for them to understand the concept of a promise to get something later, and it’s nice to have something new and exciting to play with right away. If you’re worried about clutter, take some time to go through all those unused things with your kids before the holidays and donate them to others in need. It’s a great practice to get into – for your living room and your kids’ development. Happy Holidays!

Q: My young daughter uses “Christmas” to refer Santa and getting presents. She hollers, “I see Christmas!” when we pass lights on trees or pictures of Rudolph. I don’t want her to go through life knowing only the commercialism of the holiday. But we’re not very religious and we don’t go to church so I don’t even know how to start.
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A: She sounds like my child who kept asking at the third birthday party, “Where’s my birthday?” After a few confused rounds of explaining, “It’s right now! Today is your birthday,” I realized the meaning was, “When are we going to get to the presents?” Sigh. Just remember, kids are born with the survival instinct to look out for themselves first, and pretty early on this includes needs and wants. So at an early age this is normal and they’re doing just what they’re supposed to do (plus we can’t blame them for being sucked into the cultural mainstream blaring from every TV, radio, billboard, and mall speaker, not to mention peer influence, which starts much earlier than we sometimes want!). But you’re right – it’s our job to nudge them into a less self-focused existence.

Based on your question it sounds as though by “meaning of the holidays” you’re referring to the religious stories behind them, and feel a little uncertain of teaching these due to your lack of affiliation or perhaps knowledge with any specific religion. No worries! The web has many resources to teach any age group any level of depth about religious holidays. If you want to brush up on them yourself here’s a starting point for December holidays of many major religions. No matter what your religious background, it doesn’t hurt to provide your child with information about a variety of religions. Some parents are unsure of whether to share these stories as fact or fiction (Santa, anyone?). One way to phrase it is, “Some people believe…” so that you’re not calling it true or false (unless based on your beliefs you want to call it true or false, which is your choice). The child can do what they wish with the story. If your child hears these stories as fact rather than belief and that’s not your intention, introduce them to this important concept by playing Fact, Fiction, or Belief – you make a statement (the ball is round, the dog is purple, green is the best color) and they holler out if it’s fact, fiction, or belief/opinion/preference.

In general, most kids are open to exploring basic ideas of spirituality around five. Their minds are ripe for concepts and personification of good and evil which is often part of these holiday background stories. A couple of years later they are likely to bring the subject of religion up more and might even have their own thoughts about it. Take the chance to talk about the different religious beliefs of people close to you and consider having your child talk to them and learn about it from a more personal viewpoint. Around ten years of age children are able to be even more abstract and you can introduce ideas such as free will, higher power, etc. As your child moves into the teen years they will likely start to be more influenced by their peers. Stay available for discussions about these things as you remain the home base for your child to bounce major ideas off of.

In addition to whatever religious beliefs you share with your child about the holidays, share “the meaning of the holidays” the way Dr. Seuss might have wanted you to – by talking about concepts important to character and happiness (that of self and others) like gratitude, goodwill toward others, helping those in need, the significance of family, etc. Model these things and set up experiences for your child to practice them (for ideas on how to do this see our November post on teaching gratitude during the holidays). And don’t hesitate to get the popcorn and snuggle in for How the Grinch Stole Christmas – people of all ages can use a little reminding that Christmas doesn’t come from a store, and that Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.

Q: I have two kids (3 and 7) and as we enter end of the year holidays I start feeling uncomfortable that they act entitled to a lot of gifts. I have to remind them to say thank you and they are incredibly annoyed when I push them to write thank-you notes. I don’t want to get preachy with them because I know they’ll just tune out but I don’t want them to become selfish teenagers. What’s the best way to teach gratitude to kids?
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A: Kids are hard-wired to get their needs met first. It makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint – young, vulnerable creatures who didn’t demand to get their needs met wouldn’t survive. So take heart in knowing that the self-centeredness you see in your kids is a normal survival mechanism.. for a while. Eventually humans need to curb the self-focus if they want a quality life in our interdependent society. Studies done on gratitude in children and adolescents show that grateful kids tend to have better social support, stronger self-esteem, fewer physical health complaints, use their strengths to improve their community, and are more satisfied with their lives. They tend to do better academically, are more engaged in hobbies, and have a better attitude about school, family, and friends. Adults who practice gratitude are more empathic and optimistic and have lower levels of depression and stress. It’s been shown over and over that gratitude plays a huge role in happiness (some experts say it can boost happiness by 25%) which has been repeatedly linked to good health and a longer lifespan. We want all those things for our kids! So you’re right in thinking you need to step in – things like gratitude and putting others first need to be taught.

Your question specified entering the holiday season keeping gratitude in mind. Great timing – you can talk about why Turkey/Football/Macy’s Parade Day is actually called “Thanksgiving,” and relate it to present-day reasons to give thanks. Here are a couple of fun Thanksgiving projects the family can do to cultivate gratitude. Another creative option is to bring a tree branch into the house (or draw a tree) and every day have family members write down one thing they’re grateful for on a construction paper leaf and attach it to the tree.

For the gift-giving season, give your kids a portion of what they asked for. Receiving everything you want promotes a sense of entitlement, and entitled kids who grow up to be entitled adults experience frequent disappointment with life and relationships. Pass the “fewer gifts” message on to extended family, especially if loving grandparents tend to overindulge. If you do end up with a million presents, consider storing some (unopened) for another time – they can be a great incentive and reward for a major behavior change or can quickly improve moods on a boring rainy day. If you’re inundated with excessive gifts that threaten to nudge you out of your living space, consider non-thing gift ideas.

Emphasize celebration, togetherness, and tradition rather than presents. But unless you’re living under a rock it’s next to impossible to escape our gift-giving culture in December, so encourage the giving part of exchanging gifts. Have your kids make two lists – a list of what they’d like to get and a list of what they could give. This promotes empathy (given what I know of this person, what would make them happy?), being observant of others (if you’re trying to think of a gift for someone you’re more likely to notice their likes, dislikes, and needs when spending time with them), and creativity (especially if the gift is homemade). Encourage not just giving but doing for others – here’s a family challenge that can be a fun tradition around the end of the year that embraces the generous spirit of the holidays.

Get the kids in the habit of writing thank-you cards. Acknowledge their misery about it but let them know it is a part of receiving a gift, and that sending a text doesn’t cut it because it requires very little effort so it doesn’t have the same meaning (but if written thank-you’s just aren’t going to happen, email is better than nothing. Email a video of your child expressing appreciation or a help your child type a note). Make handwritten notes easier for them by gathering all the supplies (notecards, stamps, address book, etc.) and set reasonable expectations (e.g. two cards a day until they’re done). Kids who are verbal but can’t yet write can draw a picture or dictate to you their message of thanks. Elementary school kids can write it themselves – one sentence per grade is a good guideline. No matter how you’re expressing thanks, model and encourage strong, fleshed-out thank you’s that are specific and meaningful and authentic (don’t say, “I love it!” if you don’t). Don’t be afraid to channel your mother and tell your kids what she told you: “It’s the thought that counts.” And like you said, don’t just state it in a preachy way. Talk about in a way they can relate to (“I know this sweater is too young for you now, but Aunt Hattie remembers that you used to love teddy bears and she thought you would enjoy this.”).

Above all, model gratitude. The kids won’t be the only ones who benefit.

Q: My child is almost 3 and suddenly having a hard time with transitions. My little one will fret before going to a very much loved activity saying, “I do not want to go there!” for a full 30 minutes before, then is enjoying it so much when I arrive to pick up and thus does not want to leave with me at the end. I’m a little concerned as we are starting a new longer day program this Fall. Any tips on a) this phase, at a high level, b) preparing for the new program, and c) building a daily routine that does not include 30 minutes of upset in the morning. Thank you!
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A: It can be confusing when your preschooler freaks out because it’s time to do something they love! Props to you for thinking about this before the longer preschool day starts – being able to transition well is a critical preschool skill (“skill” being the operative word here – skills are things we can learn). It may help to know that it is normal for 3 year-olds to struggle with transitions sometimes. Okay, frequently. Before assuming that it is always because they don’t want to go to the new activity or place, let’s look at some reasons why transition tantrums happen.

First of all, transitions are hard when you’re young. Adults don’t think twice about getting out of bed, using the bathroom, eating breakfast, showering, getting dressed and ready for the day, and leaving for work. But that’s five transitions right there. Then in preschool there are more transitions between activities, eating lunch and snacks, washing hands, using the bathroom… things adults don’t consider a big deal but when you have low frustration tolerance, no control over what will happen next, and experience a lot of waiting, transitions can get really annoying. Add to that the fact that the developmental task of ”threenagers” is autonomy but they are almost never the ones calling the shots on their schedule, and you’ve got yourself a recipe for transition tantrums.

Other reasons a child might struggle with transitions: they didn’t feel finished with their activity, they dislike a task that needs to happen before transitions (eg. cleaning up, using the potty), they have a poor sense of time and don’t know how long they’ll be at the next activity or when they’ll get to come back to this one, mistaking the activity ending for punishment, and anxiety (separation anxiety, anxiety about not knowing what will happen next or not knowing how to transition). And of course, there are times when the child assumes they won’t like the next activity.

Now, what to do. First, remember that transitions take more time for your preschooler than they do for you so allow extra minutes for transitioning – rushing your child will almost surely lead to a tantrum. You’ll be able to prevent some tantrums by anticipating when your child will be low on internal resources because they’re tired, hungry, overstimulated, or sick. Routines are essential for regular transitions. When your child knows what will happen in the mornings and what is expected of him, confidence replaces anxiety and he can go about his job of developing more self-sufficiency. It might be as simple as talking with your child about what will happen the next day, or if your child is a visual learner, making a chart with pictures to show the routine.

Other tips to ease activity transitions:

• Use a positive, warm tone when asking your child to change gears and help him get used to language like after/then and when/then.
• If you sense that your child doesn’t want to leave because he’s having such fun, find out what he needs so that he can feel “done” and ready to leave. Maybe he wants just two more minutes to finish the picture and then will go with you happily. You don’t want to cave every time they whine or throw a tantrum because that just teaches them those behaviors work but it’s not bad to model flexibility and respect for others’ reasonable needs.
• Provide verbal cues when it’s almost time to go (“five more minutes… one more minute” or “five more turns on the slide”) so they can mentally prepare to leave.
• Use a timer to mark transition times (“I’m going to set the timer for five minutes. When it rings, it’s time to go.”)
• Give choices to give them a sense of control (“Do you want to sing one more song or read one more book before we go?”).
• Make sure they know what to do if there are tasks before transitioning (for example, if they need to clean up they know which toys go where).
• Minimize waiting time for the child (standing at the door in their coat only to have to wait for their siblings to use the bathroom will increase the chance of a tantrum).
• Let them use a transition object (a special toy they only use in the car, or a stuffed animal for soothing).
• Associate the transition with something positive (when we get in the car to go somewhere you can have a fruit pouch).
• Sing transition songs! Many daycares work these songs into the routine so you increase the chances of cooperation if you use at home the same ones that work at school.
• Make transitions fun – walk to the car in a silly way, clean up while barking like a dog, etc.
• Give them a “Very Important Job” to do.
• Allow them to finish their activity (when that episode is over/when the game is done we’re leaving).
• Help them ramp down their energy before transitioning.
• Work some physical activity into the transition, if possible (spend five minutes running around outside before getting into the car). Many kids need to discharge some physical energy before they can move on to something else smoothly.
• Give specific positive feedback about how well they’re transitioning (Wow! You’re putting all the toys right where they belong!)

Sometimes tantrums just need to happen and we have to weather the storm. Use emotion coaching skills to join with your child empathically, allow them to get their big feelings out, let them feel heard and loved, and possibly get some important information from them about why they’re struggling. It might help you problem-solve with them and create a smoother transition. If you spend five minutes soothing your toddler and are then five minutes late for work, consider those five minutes well-spent.

Prepare for the new program by driving by the school if it is new to the child, seeing the classroom and meeting the teacher if possible, and talking about the basic daily schedule. If you think your child might be anxious about being away from you, ask if they can have a special animal or blanket from home for naptime or a photo of the family on the wall. Develop a ritual for morning dropoff (upside down kiss, special hug). You could read a book the night before that addresses separation anxiety or new school jitters. Talk about being picked up at the end of the day so he knows he’s not being left forever (“Daddy will pick you up after snack and you guys can play until I get home and then we’ll eat dinner together.”) Leave extra time to not have to rush in the morning but don’t linger at dropoff – any teacher will tell you that usually makes things worse. Show confidence that your child will have a good day at school (kids feed off of our emotions so if you’re anxious, he will be too).

It’s not unusual for a child to struggle when starting a new program. If morning tantrums are a problem, ask the teacher how he does the whole day – often kids perk up as soon as the parent leaves. Expect that after a few weeks he’ll get the hang of things (the power of peers is strong!) and talk to the teachers to find out what works for activity transitions at school and what strategies you might adopt for the home. If he continues to struggle with transitions after trying lots of different strategies, consider talking to a child psychologist to rule out things that require special knowledge, skills, and support (autistic spectrum disorders, sensory processing disorder, ADHD, anxiety).

Q: My spouse, in my opinion, is an alcoholic. I have a therapist and support around how to talk to him about this, and I am trying to do so with limited success so far. My question is about my children. I worry about the impact this is having on them. Should I take them to therapy? Should I talk to them about the drinking? It’s kind of this known negative ‘secret’ of sorts we all see and avoid commenting on.
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A: Alcoholism is a large problem in our society. It is estimated that one in five children are exposed to substance abuse within their home. Children who grow up with parents who are alcoholics are at greater risk for developing behavioral and emotional difficulties. Children respond to dysfunction in the home in many different ways.

Difficulties can include anxiety, depression, anger, guilt, embarrassment, and failure to form friendships. The child will often try to keep problems at home a secret from other adults and peers. Some behaviors to watch for include, but are not limited to, truancy or failures at school, withdrawal from friends, risky or delinquent behavior, aggression, depression, and substance use.
Some children of alcoholics may show no difficulties while others become the “parent” in the home. They may look out for the well being of themselves and others in the home, including their parents, and be very successful at school to compensate for the difficulties at home.
These children often live in fear of their parents and of what may happen to them if others discover their parent’s alcoholism. They may also feel guilty that they are unable to change their parent’s behavior. Although these children may present well, they tend to have poor self image and are insecure in relationships.

It can be difficult to intervene effectively in this situation for many reasons. The problems associated with alcoholism are often kept “secret” from others, so sometimes the drinking parent does not want the sober parent to take the child to therapy. The child may feel that they are betraying their parent if they seek out assistance for themselves, such as talking with a school counselor. The parent may be in denial of the problem or have no desire to change their behavior; certainly it is easier when the drinking parent agrees to treatment. Then the whole family enters treatment and begins the recovery process; however when this is not possible, provide children with support and help them in building meaningful relationships with others. It is important for these children to understand that they did not cause their parent’s alcoholism and they are not responsible for curing it; so that end, you do not have to avoid the topic with them, but talk about it in a straight forward way that does not demonize your spouse, i.e., no person is perfect and this is a weakness we are trying to address. Older children may benefit from participation in groups such as Alateen which focuses on social connectedness and community involvement. Professionals can also treat disorders that commonly occur in children of alcoholics such as anxiety and depression, and therapy would be ideal both to address any issues the child has, but also as preventative medicine to not develop any if the myriad of issues often seen in adult children of alcoholics.

Often times the emotional impact that alcoholism had in the child’s life will surface during adulthood. Adult children of alcoholics often have difficulty maintaining relationships, overreact to change, seek constant approval from others, have difficulty following through with tasks, are very hard on themselves, and have poor problem solving skills. It is important for adult children of alcoholics who are having difficulties to seek the assistance of a professional when having difficulty achieving success, developing healthy social and romantic relationships, or having difficulty coping with life’s stresses.

Q: My husband and I are adamantly against spanking so we’ve always used Time Outs to help get control of a situation and teach our children about managing their behavior. But now I’m hearing about that Time Outs are bad. We never figured out the secret to getting them to work that well anyway, but now we don’t know what to use.

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A: This is a great question because at one time Time Out was all the rage. It’s nonviolent, removes a child from a bad situation, and gives everyone a chance to cool down. All good stuff, so what’s the problem?

The problem with Time Outs is that even when they are delivered kindly and patiently, the message to the child is that they are not fit to be near others when they are struggling emotionally. Depending on their age and personality many children will experience a Time Out as rejection or abandonment, understanding that they only have value when they are well behaved. But it is when they are misbehaving that children most need our loving support and guidance. Triggering their fear of abandonment or a sense of low value will only worsen future behavior (not to mention self-concept and self-esteem). Plus, giving them time to sit and stew when they feel so bad is much more likely to strengthen their ability to fantasize about self-righteous revenge rather than consider how they can become a better person (which is what we all assumed they were thinking about during Time Out, right? Riiiight).

Another reason Time Outs have lost favor with many is because it is so easy to misuse them. A properly done Time Out can be helpful for some children (typically older children with a strong self-esteem and no major anxiety) if they need a break from the action, they are not there for long (no longer than same number of minutes as age), it’s not punishment, and you debrief with them afterwards so they understand what was inappropriate about their behavior and what they will try next time. The idea of a true Time Out is that the child can de-escalate and return to the situation feeling better able to cope. But when you don’t know how to effectively use Time Out it’s easy for it to morph into a shameful punishment of isolation that lasts too long and relies on a reprimand rather than teaching and support. When a child misbehaves you want them to learn stuff about emotion regulation, behavior management, empathy, and problem-solving. Rather than teaching this, isolation sends the message that the child is bad, and people who feel bad about themselves behave badly. Removing a child from the chaos isn’t enough for long-term learning to occur. For that, you need connection – the opposite of what is offered with a Time Out.

When a child is knowingly misbehaving, that is a clear message that they’re struggling with some big emotions, don’t know how to handle them, and they need us. Time Out won’t provide that. Enter the “Time In” where all the same stuff happens, plus a bit more, while in your supportive presence.

A Time In uses misbehavior as a signal that your child has big, distressing emotions they can’t handle and needs a loving connection with you in that moment. Here’s how it works: the family has already designated a safe and comfortable area that anyone can go to if they need to calm down. Books and stuffed animals can be there for comfort. You use a Time In when the child doesn’t respond well to several redirections. You tell them kindly or neutrally that they need a Time In and why (“Honey, it looks like you’re having trouble sharing the toys. Let’s go to Time In.”). You go with them to the special spot and offer your nonjudgmental presence. Respect their needs when possible. If they don’t want you to look at them, don’t. If they want to talk, let them lead and limit your participation to empathy and problem solving. Take nothing personally. Gently set limits on inappropriate behavior (such as hitting you or ripping books) but otherwise just let them be. The point is to allow them to have their feelings and come out the other side with you there, accepting them. When the anger has passed there will typically be sadness and more of an openness to comfort. Unlike Time Out, Time in teaches kids that they can tolerate distressing emotions and how to do this, that having those emotions is not “bad” and they are still loveable, and that you are on their team even through rough patches. This adds to a healthy self-concept and strengthens self-esteem. Plus you didn’t have to be the bad guy. Win!

So there you have it. Time In is the new Time Out. Give it a shot.