Archive for: Ask Anything!

Q: My first grader cannot make a decision to save his life. He freezes and then tantrums any time he must make a choice (shoes, lunch, etc.). What can I do to help during these times and improve his decision-making?
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A: Excellent question and it hits home for me. My parents recall horror stories from my childhood when I cried my eyes out because I could not decide whether to leave my grandmother’s house or spend the night. These scenarios can wear down a parent and tempers are easy to lose. You might even start labeling your kiddo as a “difficult child.”

Honestly, the world is full of decisions and they can become quite overwhelming for a young child. Think about everything you must decide as an adult just about yourself in the first hour of the morning: oatmeal or cereal, straightener or curling iron, wake up early for alone time or hit the ground running with the kids. As parents, we want to make sure we both ease these situations and model appropriate decision-making. Check out the following tips:

• Limit options: Consider a child who has several items he could select as part of his lunch (fruit, vegetable, Sun Chips, and cookies). One reason indecisiveness occurs is because there are so many options. Furthermore, he may be choosing between several of his favorite snacks and would really like them all! If there are four options, remove one or two of them. Also, make sure the options have equitable value. For example, coloring or reading books are equitable while reading books and playing Pokémon Go do not carry equal value.
• Begin small: You can enhance your child’s decision-making by first addressing low-hanging fruit (think outfits) to build success and confidence. Your child should be able to begin picking-out clothes when you limit his options to a few. After several successes with outfits, you can introduce a new decision to target. It often helps to create a hierarchy of targeted decisions so you can design a plan to help your son work toward more challenging decisions like spending time with cousins or attending a friend’s party.
• Preparation: I am not a stranger to the chaos of a weekday morning: breakfast, clothes, food, and figuring out car rides for the entire family. It can be a stressful on everyone, maybe even more so for a kiddo who awakes cranky and has to make several decisions. You can alleviate some of the stress by having your child make decisions in the evening so he would have his shoes, breakfast food, and special school snack selected before waking the following morning.
• Role model: Take time to role-model decision-making for your child as it occurs naturally in your life. Consider you are at an ice cream shop and need to select from three favorite flavors. You could say aloud, “Wow, I love them all so much. It makes it really hard to pick” and then you could model using “eenie meenie miney moe” as an effective strategy. Flipping coins is also a great way to help your children select between two options. Finally, provide your child with the reasons behind your decisions: “Today, I’m having fruit for dessert instead of a cookie. I had a cookie yesterday and we stay healthy by not eating too many sweets.”
• Build-up self-esteem through reinforcement: Begin acknowledging your child when they do make decisions. Saying “Great job figuring that out” or “nice work flipping a coin to decide on a toy” can go a long way with your kiddo. These comments provide feedback to your child that he is doing well and is on the right track.
• Do not criticize the decision: The inevitable question is, “What do I do when he makes (what I believe is) a terrible decision?” Sometimes we win as parents, sometimes we lose, and sometimes our child parades through the mall in a Batman costume he picked out for the day. In the beginning, you might just need to allow him to wear that Batman costume. He made the decision and he feels awesome in it! As your child improves his decision-making ability, you can talk to him about alternative decisions: “What might be a different or better decision right now?” Natural consequences will also occur sometimes. The consequence of deciding not to eat his lunch at school is the hunger he will experience during the afternoon.
• Don’t do it for him: As tempting as it is to set clothes out for school, select all activities for evenings at home, and limit breakfast options to one brand of cereal to reduce tantrums and anxiety, decision-making is a valuable life skill. There will be up’s and down’s and he may occasionally need assistance, but with practice I expect you will see him make great strides.

Q: What can I do to improve my sleep? The stress, and perhaps excitement, of the holidays is getting to me and I have been feeling tired all the time. Actually, it is not uncommon for me to experience sleep difficulties. In the past, I have been prescribed a sleep aid and have also tried an over-the-counter sleep aid. They work, but I would prefer to simply get a good night’s rest without relying on a sleep aid, especially as a long-term solution. Is there anything I can do, naturally, to get better sleep? I find I am a better parent when I am well-rested and not sleep-deprived!
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A: Sleep – we all need it but we do not all get enough of it. According to the American Sleep Association, 50-70 million individuals in the United States suffer from a sleep disorder with Insomnia being the most common specific sleep disorder. Approximately 30 percent of Americans report short-term insomnia and 10 percent report chronic insomnia. Sleep is important to our physical and mental health and it’s alarming to hear the number of individual’s who do not get adequate sleep each night. Sleep allows our body and brain to recharge and repair. It is imperative to our overall wellbeing and greatly impacts our daily functioning. Statistics from the American Sleep Association indicate 35.3 percent of adults, 37 percent of 20-39 year-olds, and 40 percent of 40-50 year-olds get less than seven hours of sleep each night.

Following are tips for healthy sleep hygiene…

1. Maintain a routine. You should go to bed and wake up at the same time every day. Yes, even on weekends. A regular sleep schedule prepares your body for, and allows it to maintain, it’s natural sleep-wake cycle. Get out of bed within five minutes of waking, regardless of the number of hours of sleep you got that night. If you have been getting less than eight hours of sleep per night, or are used to going to bed very late, start with your wake time and count backwards to a time that allows you your average number of hours of sleep per night. For example, if you have to wake up at 7:00am and are used to getting six hours of sleep, start going to bed around 1:00am and slowly add 15 minutes increments to your sleep schedule. So, you would be in by 12:45am, then 12:30am, then 12:15am, and so on until you are at a time that allows eight full hours of sleep.
2. Bedroom aesthetics. Not surprisingly, your bedroom should be a place of comfort and quiet. For a good night’s sleep prepare your sleeping area with a comfortable mattress, sheets, pillows, etc. Additionally, a cooler temperature is more conducive to good sleep, and of course, low, or preferably no, light source – that means from the light fixtures in your bedroom and light from technology. Also, position your alarm clock so that you cannot count the minutes while you are laying in bed. Complete darkness and cool temperature are best for sleep.
3. The bedroom is only for sleep and sex. No watching television or reading while in bed because doing so associates the bedroom, and bed, with wakefulness. One should refrain from using technology too close to bedtime as well. Our body is cued by our environment to naturally prepare itself for sleep. Exposure to unnatural light sources disrupts the body’s natural production of melatonin, thus impacting sleepiness, if you will. Nowadays, many tech items have a setting that allows for turning off light sources that impact melatonin production.
4. No napping during the day – for obvious reasons. Napping during the day takes away from the amount of sleep you need and typically creates difficulty in falling asleep at bedtime.
5. Don’t lay awake for longer than 10-15 minutes. No tossing and turning and lying awake just waiting to fall asleep. If you do not fall asleep within 10-15 minutes of laying down, get out of bed and do something quiet and relaxing such as reading a book. When you start to feel sleepy return to bed and attempt to fall asleep again.
6. Avoid food, drink, and substances that may interfere with sleep. Stop consuming food and beverages at least two hours prior to bedtime, especially items that contain caffeine. Additionally, cigarettes and alcohol impact sleep quality. Some people think alcohol as a depressant helps sleep, but it does not; because it raises body temperature, it results in waking after 2-3 hours of sleep and being unable to return to sleep.
7. Develop a bedtime routine. You have a bedtime routing for the kids because you know it helps get them prepared for sleep! Adults benefit from a bedtime routine too. Your bedtime routine should be calming and quiet, such as a warm bath or shower, or some type of relaxation, meditation, or reading. Avoid activity, especially high intensity exercise immediately prior to bed.

Q: I am pretty sure my teenager has used drugs, but am not sure (how can I tell??) and feel a little in the dark and like I missed the boat on preventing this from happening. What do I do now?
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A: This is a question we hear often. Early intervention in teen substance use is part of deterring the problem. People too quickly think that they have missed the opportunity for “prevention” once a teen uses. Yet, there is still the opportunity to prevent continued use, to make this something that happened a few times versus something that turns into an on-going substance use and abuse problem.

Parents must educate themselves about red flags that may indicate substance use, so that they can respond quickly when a red flag occurs. The American Council for Drug Education website provides the following indicators that have been linked to possible drug use. These indicators should motivate you to explore more and clarify if it is substances causing the symptoms:

1. Sudden decline in school achievement.
2. Cigarette smoking.
3. Marked shift in the child’s friends, especially association with known or suspected drug users.
4. Serious erosion of parental trust in the child.
5. Support by the child for the idea of legalizing marijuana.
6. Marked personality changes. (Such as social withdrawal, a new guardedness in communication with family members, depression, changes in sleep patterns, etc.)
7. Withdrawal from extracurricular activities that were previously important to the child.
8. Cutting classes, tardiness or truancy from school.
9. Deterioration in appearance and personal hygiene, or dramatic image changes.
10. Increased secretiveness, unexplained phone calls, heightened hostility to inquiry, sudden onset of hypersensitivity.
11. Going out every night. (Especially “hanging around” as opposed to scheduled youth activities.)
12. Unexplained disappearance of family funds or family and personal possessions (to buy drugs) and/or appearance of unexplained money or items such as new clothes and CDs (from selling drugs).
13. Aggressive behavior such as recurrent fighting, violent hostility, or other evidence of social alienation from the mainstream.
14. Heavy use of over-the-counter preparations to reduce eye reddening, nasal irritation, or bad breath.

While a red flag does not provide enough indication on its own that your teen is using, each of these red flags should result in some action by the parent to explore what has caused it. Substance use can be ruled out, and early intervention can occur to help fix the problem, whether the problem is substance use or something else.

Q: I don’t know how to talk to my teenager about a problem without it becoming an argument. I try to keep it going as a discussion for as long as possible but I admit I get really annoyed when she starts to shut down before I’ve even finished saying my side of things. It quickly turns into a yelling match with no one actually hearing what the other person wants or needs so nothing changes. What can I do to make this turn out differently?
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A: You’re not the first parent to have a yelling match with their teenager and you won’t be the last. But that doesn’t make the experience any less unpleasant, plus you’re right – no one benefits from an argument where neither person is heard and nothing is learned. In a previous post we addressed using John Gottman’s emotion-coaching parenting style to help connect with children in distress, and it sounds like implementing those concepts, steps, and mindset might be helpful in your situation. But let’s also talk about the concept of Position vs. Interest, which is best described by this little story:

There were two chefs who worked for the king. One day there was only a single orange and both chefs needed it for their dish. They fought bitterly over it, loudly declaring, “I need the orange!” “I need the orange more!” In the end they compromised and cut the orange in half, so one chef had half the amount of pulp needed to squeeze the orange juice, and one chef had half the amount of zest he needed for the dessert.

Had the chefs discussed why they needed the orange, they would have simply peeled it and each chef would have gotten exactly what he needed for his dish for the king. Instead they focused only on what they needed. They focused on their position (needing the orange) rather than their interest (why they needed the orange – for the pulp or the peel).

Often we enter a discussion (especially one where we expect some pushback) with our position very clear to us – I want her home by 10. I want him to get his homework done before playing a video game. Just as important as our what is our why – I want you home by 10 because I’m worried about you drinking at a late party or driving home late with post-partiers on the road. I want you to get your homework done before you get distracted for hours playing a game.

That might be the end of it. They might say, “Oh! I hadn’t understood. Sure, no problem!” (Hey, a parent can dream, right?) But more importantly, it might invite conversation from your teen on their whys. You might learn that she wants to stay out until midnight this time because her friend who moved away will be at this party and it’s her last night in town. Your son might tell you that he wants to play a video game before he starts his homework because the thought of getting down to homework after a whole day of school is too much and he needs to unwind first.

So at this point in the discussion there’s no yelling but even more importantly people are feeling respected, cared about, and understood. A person’s anger can begin to dissipate when they feel heard, and a sense of team is strengthened when one feels understood. And there is a connection that comes when you acknowledge that the other person’s needs are different from yours and are just as valid and valuable. So demonstrating that you hear what your kid is saying and digging deep to feel some compassion for their side of things will go a long way towards staying connected and not having your discussion devolve into an argument. And then the team is further strengthened when you work together to negotiate based on each person’s whys. You want your daughter not-partying and not-driving after 10. She wants to see her friend on her last night in town. Together you might decide to invite the friend to dinner or for a sleep over instead of meeting at a late party. Your video-game-loving son needs a break between school and homework. You want him to get his work done before he plays, lest he fail to do his homework and not develop good study habits. You two might decide to have him unwind before starting his homework, and then schedule homework breaks if doing it all in one shot is too much for him.

So remember that each time you practice expressing interest and not just position you are strengthening your relationship with your child and also modeling skills you want your child to develop – like approaching a conversation with curiosity and open-mindedness about the other person’s needs, wants, and concerns; empathy; and negotiation and compromise. Which is an even better end result than them grudgingly complying with your position (and then sneaking video games or a party after you’ve gone to bed!).

Q: My kids (five and seven) are in a really annoying stage right now where everything has to be “fair.” Every little thing is scrutinized to make sure that the other sister doesn’t have a tiny bit more of a good thing or a tiny bit less of an unwanted one. I know it’s normal because I hear myself channeling my parents with “well sometimes life isn’t fair!” but I know adults who seem hung up on fairness and I don’t want my kids to turn out like that. How should a parent handle the not-fair stage?_____________________________________________________________________________________

A: When children complain about something not being fair they are usually saying something isn’t equal – he gets to stay up later than I do, I have more chores than she does. Equality refers to people getting the same thing; be it snack, support, or responsibilities. Equity refers to giving people what they need to be successful, whether success is measured in feeling satiated, feeling supported, or developing responsibility. So when a nine-year-old receives more of a snack than a three-year-old and they both finish feeling satiated, the snack wasn’t equal but it was equitable. If the nine and three-year-old both have the chore of washing the dishes, that is equal but not equitable (and not a good idea).

Not-fair moments are normal and healthy. Kids need to observe and wrestle with the concept of unfairness in life. What you’re worried about is a not-fair mentality. This results in playing the victim and blaming others every time things don’t turn out their way. The child constantly whining, “My teacher/coach/friend isn’t fair!” can become the adult constantly complaining, “My boss/spouse/life isn’t fair.” We need to help our kids with two things to prevent not-fair moments from becoming a victim mentality: acceptance and empowerment. Acceptance because life truly sometimes isn’t fair (you practice more than the starting player but you stay on the bench), and if you can’t accept that you will suffer (not struggle. We want kids to struggle sometimes because that is growth. Suffering is different). Empowerment because we often are in the position to make change – for ourselves and for others. Deciding something isn’t fair and then problem-solving a healthy and effective solution can and does change the world (think Civil Rights Movement).

Start by giving kids the vocabulary to talk about this (fair/unfair, justice/injustice, equal/unequal, equitable/inequitable, etc.), and then work with them on expressing their thoughts and feelings about the perceived injustice. Talk to them logically about the decision they take issue with, guide them in brainstorming a solution if one is available, and work with them on healthy communication and conflict skills if they decide to pursue it. If they don’t, work on radically accepting that which we wouldn’t have chosen. Restrain yourself from compensating for life’s unfairnesses by making them “right.” If Grandma gave the first grandchild $2,000 on their 18th birthday, but due to finances gave the next grandchild a Target gift card, what message do you send your young adult if you run out and buy them $2,000 worth of stuff just to make it “even”? If this is a pattern, they might learn that someone will balance out injustices for them and they won’t get good at acceptance or problem-solving.

As with almost all of the issues we tackle in this column, working on this starts in the home. In Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish point out that children don’t need to be treated equally, they need to be treated uniquely. One child might need more TLC than the other after being snubbed at school; another might need more help with homework. Giving each child the same thing could remove any chance of fighting about “fairness” but might not be meeting the need or want of each kid. Give according to need: How much applesauce would you like? How many hugs do you need tonight? But what about when your kids pull out the big guns – “Who do you love more?” Instead of answering with “I love you both the same” consider being even more genuine and thoughtful by speaking to the specialness of your love for them: “There is no one else like you in the world and I love you uniquely.” I’m not promising you won’t get the eye-roll and “Moo-ooom!” but at least this answer is absolutely true.

Q: My husband and I share the same values and goals but we parent differently and I’ve noticed when we are both with the kids they act up more. I get extremely stressed out – partly because he gets annoyed easily at regular kid stuff (being loud), and partly because he is less vigilant about safety than I am (holding hands in parking lots). I think they’re acting up because the stress level is higher. He loses his patience quickly and gets a little harsh (although it seems that everyone but me moves on quickly; I become a complete stress case). He thinks they’re acting up because I’m not firm enough with them. I think I know what works with the kids because I’ve spent more time with them and read a lot of parenting books, but I don’t know how to get my knowledge across to my husband. I’m thinking of calling a team-style family meeting to get at common goals and agreements, and then we can all help each other stay in check in a positive way. Any thoughts on how to go about this?
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A: Great question, because who among us with a parenting partner hasn’t been chafed by the other parent’s style at times (if not often)? It’s inevitable, and it’s why a fire department has one fire chief, a restaurant has one head chef, and a gorilla troop has one alpha. It’s just simpler if one person (or gorilla) is calling the shots.

It sounds as though when the family is all together the stress is increased for a couple of reasons: your husband’s lack of patience with regular kid stuff and your stress about his reaction. And then, since our children feed off our energy, perhaps the kids bring their own stress into the mix. Plus by this time these dynamics are probably predictable so there’s anticipatory stress which can jump start the whole thing. The trick is to decrease the stress in every way possible.

The idea you suggested to decrease stress is a good one – bring the whole family in on it, name the problem, brainstorm solutions, and get some quality control in there. But first, the family leaders need to get on the same page. Imagine how awkward it would be if the ‘Presidents of the United Family’ gave the State of the Union address only to end up contradicting each other and arguing about how to handle things? Chaos and mutiny would ensue.

It sounds like you and your husband are on the same page about some of the most important things: values, goals, and the fact that the current method isn’t working the way you want it to. That’s a great start. Commit to first having conversations (because this could be a process, not a quick fix) without the kids where you two explore what you want it to look like when you’re all together. If you find that you’re not on the same page about something, talk about not only what you want but why you want it. For example, one of you might want to intervene on kid arguments because tantrums are annoying and everyone gets in a bad mood, and the other person might want the kids to be able to argue with each other so they can figure out how to compromise and problem-solve on their own. It’s not unusual to find that one parent tends to work towards resolution of the immediate problem (e.g., a tantrum) while the other parent tends to work towards a more permanent long-term solution of a bigger issue (e.g., being entitled – normal for little ones but it does not age well). If this is the case, expect to have ongoing discussions since this could indicate a difference in parenting philosophy. But even in these cases, both parents usually want the same outcome for their child (e.g., to become an adult who can manage their emotions, listen, compromise, problem-solve, and work on a team). They just have different ideas on when and how to start working on it.

Once you’ve agreed on the goals, talk about ideas on how to get there. Important: Don’t get sidetracked with blame and defensiveness; keep it factual about what’s worked and what hasn’t, remembering that you’re on the same team here and everyone wants to do what works. Don’t get hooked on “my idea” – your partner might have a surprisingly good one that you won’t notice if you go into this with a closed mind. Once both of you are clear on what the expectations are for the kids and parents, take it public. Invite the kids to share their experience of the double-parenting situation with you. Maybe they feel more stress and don’t like it. Maybe they love the pandemonium because it’s meeting a need they could get met in a different way. After fully listening, explain why it’s not working for you and your husband (and the kids), share what you’ve mapped out, and invite them to add any ideas they might have to improve things. Then, clearly define a manageable, reasonable set of expectations (there’s room for adding, adjusting and refining later) and explain what will happen if they do cooperate and if they don’t. Positive incentives (especially concrete ones for younger kids, and don’t underestimate the power of praise!) can do wonders for getting buy-in and starting new habits. Avoid immediate consequences for not cooperating – new habits can be hard to start, plus they might be struggling with the same anticipatory stress you have (read here about what to do before setting consequences, and read here about how to use natural and logical consequences). Consider making a visual reminder for the expectations (list of words for kids who can read, pictures for those who can’t) and get them involved in making it – coming up with the words, decorating the poster, etc.

Remember, this is all part of the process of raising kids so don’t expect a quick change. Tell them you’ll meet again in a month (sooner for the two parents) to applaud improvements and make adjustments to what isn’t yet working. Keep it a team feel, like you said, but remember that strong teams have solid leaders so if you have a little revolutionist on your hands, remember you’re the Presidents.

And bring snacks – meetings are always better with snacks.

Q: My 3-year-old daughter has been telling lies lately. Outlandish ones and small ones, often for no apparent reason. My husband and I disagree on how to handle it, but both are afraid of this behavior getting worse if we don’t curb it. Suggestions?
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A: It’s understandable to feel confused or even concerned about this new behavior in your generally honest-to-a-fault preschooler, but rest assured that lying at this age is normal. Although “lying” suggests manipulation, and oftentimes it’s more innocent than that.

Let’s talk about actual lying first. Kids typically learn to lie between ages two and four, and it’s considered a milestone because it shows they have learned that their mind is separate from other people’s minds. True lying requires higher order thinking, like anticipating consequences, organizing information, and guessing at what the other person is thinking and feeling. It involves independence, perspective taking, and emotional control – major players in good social skills, which is why some experts suggest that failing to figure out when and how to lie well can lead to problems later in life. Preschoolers sometimes lie to avoid getting into trouble or to get something they want, but if they do it’s a pretty simple lie and they generally give themselves away if there’s further questioning.

So how should you handle it when your preschooler lies?

• Don’t set traps. If you know she ate a cookie, don’t ask her if she did so you can try to catch her lying. That doesn’t build trust.
• As much as possible stay calm about small infractions. Real lies happen because the child fears the consequences. The more our child trust us to still love them and think well of them when they’ve done wrong, and to not hurt them physically or emotionally, the more they will tell us the truth. So getting mad about small things increases the chance that a child will choose to lie next time to avoid your anger and the consequences that go along with it (shame, loss of a toy, etc.).
• State what you know to be true matter-of-factly (“I see you ate a cookie”) and remind her of the rules (“We eat cookies for dessert, not snack.”).
• Engage her in a compassionate discussion about why she did it and what to do next time (“If you’re hungry, tell me and I’ll get you a snack.” “If you’re excited about the cookies we baked earlier, draw a picture of you eating one and we can talk about how great it’ll be to have one for dessert.”). If it’s an onerous task she’s lying about (washing hands), empathize with her and help her make it more fun (sing a silly hand-washing song). Teach her to use her brain for identifying a problem, expressing it, and problem-solving rather than for lying.

Now for other non-truths. The preschool set have minds that are still struggling to distinguish between imagination and reality, and they figure it out by exploring the boundary there. Sometimes they explore it out loud and in your presence, and due to their limited verbal abilities it sounds like a lie. They might be enjoying a fantasy (“I saw a fairy on the playground today”) or imagining success (after seeing an older child tie a shoe they tell you that they tied their own shoe). They might be using it as a way to protect themselves when they feel overwhelmed (“I saved my brother when he fell off his bike” after seeing her older brother wipe out).

Here’s how to handle non-truths:

• Do nothing.

Research shows that allowing your preschooler to exist in this flexible place between fact and fiction helps them figure it out at their own natural pace, develop trust in you, and strengthen self-esteem. So play along with a fantasy (“A fairy! Wow. What did she look like?”), and help her dream of success without praising her for it (“Tying your own shoes is a very handy thing to be able to do.”). When you can tell she’s using fantasy protectively, acknowledge what she felt (“That must have been scary seeing your brother fall off his bike”), or wished she felt given her fantasy (of saving him – “You must have felt so relieved.”). It’s okay to let these non-truths go at this tender age – you’ll have plenty of opportunity to address real lying in the coming years since kids only get better and better at it. Stay tuned for this in a future post!

Q: My daughter is a bright, respectful, ambitious 16-year-old who just will not to do some of the basic things she’s going to have to do when she’s at college in a couple of years. She takes school seriously but if we didn’t wake her up in the morning she’d miss her first class entirely. She wouldn’t be caught dead looking “gross” yet relies on me to do her laundry. My concerns about how she’ll do on her own at college fall on deaf ears. Help!
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A: If only it were like at NASA: Prepare for launch in 3…2…1… Adulthood! But launching our kids is more like the building of the rocket, which takes many years. The knowledge of how to go about being an adult is not something we’re born with (who among us hasn’t figured out the hard way that some clothes don’t go in the dryer, or the importance of keeping up with your finances?). Yet it’s common for parents to get frustrated with teens who aren’t acting like an almost-adult. Why aren’t our older adolescents preparing themselves for life outside of the home?

There can be many reasons, but often it’s because they don’t have to. Sometimes our love for our children translates into efforts to make their life easier so they avoid stress and struggle. We think we’re helping them (and so do they), but really we’re robbing them of the opportunity to develop independence. Kids are going to individuate anyway and the more self-sufficient they are when that happens, the better. They’ll push for increasing autonomy, but autonomy without responsibility is a recipe for entitlement. So we need to give and expect increasing responsibility as they grow older.

It sounds like that might be your situation. Your daughter has a lot more autonomy than she did when she was in elementary school but some of her basic life responsibilities haven’t also grown. Here are some ideas that will help get you back on track:

• Tell her that some routines are going to change because you want her to develop habits that will make the transition to college much easier (and because she needs to know how to do them in life). Have in mind what responsibilities you’d like her to take over, but ask her what she wants to start with. This might open up a good conversation about what she imagines college life will be like (and give you a chance to correct unreasonable expectations). Start with a few responsibilities, then add on a couple more as she achieves mastery.
• Teach her how to do those things. Review with her how her alarm works and strategies for alarms if you are a heavy sleeper (setting two alarms, placing an alarm across the room versus by the bed, etc.) Show her how to do laundry. Something that might be obvious to you, with your years of adult experience, might feel overwhelming or intimidating to her.
• Set expectations with these new responsibilities. Tell her how often she’s supposed to empty the dishwasher, how thoroughly she’s supposed to clean the bathroom, etc. And let her know what to expect if she doesn’t follow through. One idea is to give One Free Pass for a habit fail (so she gets warning), then let your daughter experience natural consequences. She might need proof that you’re really not going to save her, and she deserves fair warning. A natural consequence for example might be that your daughter, who cares about what she looks like, has no clean clothes if she does not do her laundry.
• Let her fail. Failure is a powerful learning tool and motivator. While you might not want her to sleep all morning and miss school altogether, failures with natural consequences such as the laundry example are good.
• Praise her achievements! The positive reinforcement of praise is also a powerful motivator, and helps her develop pride in her own achievements in adult responsibility.

Many books have been written on launching our teenagers, so know you’re not alone with this struggle. There are a lot of reasons why it’s tough – our economic environment, our social culture, the nature of transition. Plus, there are a lot of areas of growth involved – physical, biological, academic, social, emotional, rational… we can’t expect our newly-minted adult children to be fully formed. After all, the human brain isn’t done developing until at least the mid-twenties. So there’s an awful lot of nudging and teaching and encouraging and supporting and trying and failing that needs to happen before the actual launching can occur. Maybe parenting is harder than rocket science…

Q: My kids are 12 and 14 and do not get along. They bicker all the time and sometimes it gets physical. They’ve always been this way and I’ve never found a good way to make it stop for long. It’s incredibly frustrating but also sad – I had hoped they would be good friends like my older sister and I are. Is there anything I can do to help them not just get along better but actually like each other more?
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A: Sibling rivalry is common enough but when it’s bad it can affect the whole family. Pat yourself on the back for wondering what you can do to change the dynamic, rather than just try to make the kids change. The fact is, there is often a lot we can do – or stop doing – to improve our children’s relationship. It starts with understanding the premise behind sibling rivalry.

According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, people are motivated by their desire to get their needs met. We must meet the most basic needs before we can move on to the next level of needs. Survival needs are first, followed by Safety needs, Love and Belonging needs, Esteem needs, and finally Self-Actualization. Anything that might keep us from getting our needs met is a threat. So in a way we are hard-wired to resent that sibling who might not only eat the last of the Cocoa Krispies but also get all of Mom and Dad’s love. Cries of “MINE!” through households and across schoolyards are common because kids innately want some, most, or better yet all of something that meets their needs.

For those of us with kids who really struggle with sibling rivalry, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish provide help in their book Siblings Without Rivalry. They share the many ways we good-meaning parents might be contributing to sibling rivalry, and what to do instead:

• Don’t compare siblings to each other. Sometimes it’s obvious when we do it (“Why can’t you be more like your sister!”), but we might be doing it unintentionally when we praise one child in front of the other: “A+ in algebra! You’re a math whiz! I’m so proud of you!” can easily be heard by the sibling who got a B as, “You are better in math than your brother, so I am proud of you and not proud of him.” This hits on needs for Love and for Esteem all in one swoop, which can trigger a deep fear of loss of Safety and Survival since children are dependent on their parents. The authors suggest that instead of comparing, describe what you notice, “I see shoes on the couch” and “I see you put your clean clothes away.” Give praise in privacy.
• Parents tend to worry about making things equal between their kids (“If we get him a bike for Christmas we have to get her one, too.”). But since kids aren’t all the same, making things equal won’t necessarily be meeting their needs. Instead, assess what each individual child needs and strive to meet it. One child might go through a period where they need more of your time than your other child does, or more reassurance, or more help with confidence, etc.
• Allow each child to be their whole self. Don’t get pulled into labels (this child is the Smart One, that child is the Social One) because it can discourage a child from pursuing something that is his sibling’s “thing.”
• Faber and Mazlish strongly encourage parents not to interfere with siblings’ squabbles and to let kids work out solutions themselves, remembering that it is up to parents to model empathy and problem-solving skills. When things get physical, keep everyone safe and help them figure things out in a family meeting. The authors also suggest that if kids are constantly irritating each other, not to force togetherness since it can damage the relationship further.

It’s tough when siblings don’t get along. After hours or years of bickering, your goal might be to just stop the argument and move on as quickly as possible. Remember that your child’s distress is an important time to try to connect with them. Here is more on that topic. Also, don’t assume that your kids will never get along. Whether it’s sibling rivalry or just clashing personalities, relationships often get better with age and physical space.