Archive for: Ask Anything!

Q: Everywhere I look there seems to be something about the holidays and my daughter (age 7) has definitely noticed. She has already given us her wish list for Christmas and from the way she acts, it is clear she expects to get everything on her list. We know she is going to have a hard time when she realizes she did not get everything she wanted. Any suggestions on how to deal with the inevitable disappointment and possible tantrum that will result?

A: First off, you are not alone! Many parents are in the same boat. As you noted, there is mention of the holidays everywhere we look and stores never fail to highlight the gift giving aspect. This unfortunately can overshadow the true meaning of the holidays and place greater emphasis on presents. While having ways to manage disappointment on the day children are opening presents is important, we encourage parents this year to initiate the coping process before that. Start by discussing gratitude and giving, but without presents all around tempting all focus to be on wondering what could be under the shiny wrapping paper. One way to achieve this is by modeling the desired behavior. From very early on, children turn to their parents for clues on how to respond in situations. Be aware of how you are expressing gratitude. If a co-worker gives you the same gift again this year before heading off for her vacation to Hawaii, do you verbalize disappointment over dinner by saying to your family that your co-worker is cheap and not creative with gift giving, but spends so much money on vacations? Or do you express gratitude for her thinking about you this holiday season and remembering to bring in your gift before she left the office for the next two weeks? Try on a daily basis to express your gratitude about even simple things like a great dinner or no traffic on your drive home from work. Your child will notice!

In addition, consider taking time to discuss the true meaning of the holiday(s) being celebrated. Emphasize the holidays are not just about receiving, but they are also a time for us to reflect on what we already have and finding ways to give. Giving back to the community can be a great way to demonstrate this and can be done in many different ways. Find a way to give back that works for you whether it be volunteering at a soup kitchen, arranging a toy drive, or dropping off items at a food bank.

Writing thank you notes as part of the routine when gifts are involved is another option. This can be tedious, but it sends children the message they are not entitled to presents. Instead, the gift was a thoughtful and kind gesture. For little ones, encourage them to draw a picture in the card expressing their gratitude or have them tell you their message and you can write it. As children get older and have stronger writing skills, the torch can be passed to them and they can complete their own thank you cards.

Now for the disappointment that might ensue the day of. It can be mortifying to be amongst others when you hear your child loudly voice their discontentment. Create a plan beforehand as to how you plan to handle this situation. This plan should include staying calm and not shaming your child. Being shamed does not help children learn the points mentioned above, but it will definitely make them feel poorly about themselves and further exacerbate the situation. Try finding a private place where you can communicate one-on-one about their disappointment, but during this conversation, also sharing about what it was like for you when they reacted negatively. If the above suggestions were already implemented, you can always re-iterate what was discussed regarding what the holidays are really about. Most importantly, provide them the opportunity for a “do over.” A “do over” allows both of you to have a positive experience, so the remainder of the day is not clouded.

Q: My daughter just started 1st grade at a new school after moving to North Carolina from Florida. Though we moved this summer, she continues to struggle with living in a new home, having a new babysitter, and our overall new routine. What can I do to help her cope with the changes?

A: We all deal with change throughout our life and it can be difficult to adjust to even when it is welcomed change. To put this in perspective, if someone decides to go from brown hair to blonde, it is a personal choice; however, that person might still find themselves checking their hair in their mirror frequently over the weeks, asking others for their opinions, and questioning if the transition was right for them. For your daughter, the changes you mentioned may not necessarily be welcomed change. Thus, it may be even more challenging for her to navigate and more time may be needed.

Before discussing some strategies to help your little one, it is worth acknowledging childhood in general is characterized by constant changes. Some common changes children face include: starting solid foods, mom and/or dad returning to work, not wearing a diaper, and starting daycare/pre-k/etc. In addition to frequent changes, most if not all are ones the child does not have control over. Taking a moment to recognize this can aid in our ability to see things from their point of view. So, we encourage you to take some time to understand how your child sees the world and that perspective can help you help them navigate the unknowns.

You might find yourself wondering how do I foster that understanding? Talk and listen to them! While it sounds simple enough, as adults, we can easily get wrapped into day-to-day responsibilities and coping ourselves with all the new changes a move can bring. Set aside time to check-in with your child specifically about the change and how they are feeling. Acknowledging how your child is feeling can be a validating experience for them. It can also be helpful to share examples of how you adjusted when you were younger, as children love listening to stories! During these interactions, the other key component is listening. It is one thing to tell them you are there for them and another to actually be there to fully listen and engage. This can take some time and testing on their part to determine if you will actually be receptive to how they are feeling. Thus, it is important to allow them to take the lead.

Feeling out of control is a common consequence of change. Offering your child choices can help them feel more in control. These choices can be related to routine things such as, what book they want to read for story time or what outfit they want to wear. It is recommended they are given three options and be sure you are okay with whatever option they choose. In addition, consider giving them a warning when something new or different is about to occur. This can further assist in the arena of control because they are then given time to prepare themselves, ask questions, and not be blindsided. Also, consider developing a routine. Structure creates predictability, which leads to an increase in feeling in control. Even as adults, when there is too much chaos and instability, we feel the consequences (e.g., stress). It is no different for children.

In our quest to make things okay for ourselves and our loved ones, the normalcy of the situation is often overlooked. It is okay for your child to be upset. No matter how silly the matter might be that they are upset about, for example, “my new school has a smaller playground” or “the new house doesn’t have stairs,” try not to belittle them. Sharing about the differences may be a way for them to get their feelings out about their new circumstances. Often, they might not be looking for you to fix the situation, rather just listen to them. Another fun ‘game’ to play with children during transitions is ‘things that change, things that stay the same.’ You both list things that have changed (new school, new job, new babysitter, new friends) and things that stay the same (family together, Taco Tuesdays, pool). Changes can be good too… my own bedroom or new furniture are things with moves that are fun and not just an item or person to be missed. Also, listen for areas your child needs help. Maybe he or she is shy and needs some coaching on how to make new friends. Helping your child connect socially by hosting a pizza-making party or some fun activity can also be key to a move. Overall, listen, empathize, let her have control over some things, and help as you can!

Q: My son is now in the 4th grade, but last year he had a really rough time remembering homework assignments. Since the school year is just starting, I was wondering if you could provide me with some ideas to make sure he does not fall into the same trap again.

A: Aside from completing homework, turning in assignments, and passing tests, organization is an important factor in academic success. A child can know the material and have the ability to obtain good grades, but work needs to be turned in to prove that. Most children want to do well in school and do not want to get in trouble, so giving them tools can go a long way.

A planner or assignment book is a great way for any child to get organized and can help parents track what is going on as well. When introducing a planner to your child, take time to talk to them about how to incorporate it in their daily routine that seems doable and realistic to them. Children have enough going on at school that a tool to help manage things should not add more stress. Perhaps it makes sense for them to sit down first thing in the morning and make note of any assignments indicated on the board into the planner or at the end of the day as they are packing up to go home. Consistency is key to making something automatic, so emphasize that over battling about what time you think is best for them. By having a planner, the burden of remembering multiple things is reduced. Instead, when they go home they only have to remember one thing – look in the planner! In addition, taking a collaborative approach to problem solve this reoccurring issue with your child shows them you are on their team and want them to succeed.

As this new method is in the experimental phase, it can be helpful for you to check-in with them about each subject to potentially help jog their memory in case they forgot to write something down. Many schools put assignments online, so you can also cross reference what your child has written down to what is posted. Otherwise, there is the option of asking the school for help. For instance, your child’s teacher can check the planner at the end of every school day to ensure all information is accurately noted.

For children that remember to write down assignments and complete them, but forget to turn them in, a little something extra is needed. The goal here is still to make whatever approach that is agreed upon automatic. For example, deciding on a specific folder that is only for completed assignments that need to be turned in. Your child then only has to remember to look in that folder versus searching the entire backpack for a worksheet. Similar to keeping up with the planner, you can check-in after homework time every day to make sure the completed work is in the correct folder. If that still does not help and your child still forgets to turn in the work, consider asking the teacher for help. By having a designated folder, you can let the teacher know where to look.

At the end of the day, the responsibility to complete and submit homework is not yours. Your role is to equip your child with skills, provide support, and be their cheerleader! If doing these things is ineffective and your child still struggles with organization and remembering, it could be helpful to meet with a child psychologist for assistance in finding strategies that work for your child, or to decide if psycho-educational testing to determine the presence of focus issues is warranted.

Q: Our 13- year old son just received a cell phone for his birthday and now we are realizing that maybe we needed to consider some rules before giving it to him. He has the phone constantly out at the dinner table, is distracted by it while doing his homework, and tries to keep it with him at night. What can we do?!

A: First off, you are not alone in this battle! Often children and teenagers, even adults, are glued to their phones. Before discussing how to address some of the issues that arise from a child having a phone, it is worth taking a step back and viewing the situation through a child’s lens. Children are starting to have cell phones at younger ages these days and those that do not have one claim all their friends have one already. Naturally, when a child receives his/her first phone, it is exciting! From that perspective, it makes sense that they want to use it whenever they can and it can feel like mission impossible to peel them away from it. With that said, too much screen time can be detrimental and some ground rules can help find a balance of allowing your child to reap the benefits of technology, but also connect with the real world.

Before establishing any rules, consider your child’s usage. Perhaps spend a few days or maybe even a week to pay attention to how often they are using their cell phone and when. By being mindful of this information, you can be more specific with your rules. After learning the amount of time they spend on their phone, consider when you believe your child should shut off their phone for the night and when it is appropriate from them to turn it on the next day. Weekday and weekend times may differ, so take a moment to consider that as well. Also, think about activities during which you do not want them to use their phone (e.g., during homework time, meals, family time, etc.) It is important that whatever time is decided upon stays consistent and that you try to be as specific as possible.

If you have not done so already, decide on a charging area that is not their bedroom (e.g., kitchen or living room). If there is concern your child will sneak their phone into their room at night, then perhaps the charging station can be placed in your bedroom. Every night they are in control of placing the phone where it belongs as part of their night time routine, which in turn reduces the back and forth of “it’s time to give me your phone.”

Now that there are some basic rules, what are the consequences for breaking them? Rather than deciding in the moment, which can lead to inconsistency and further conflict, determine this beforehand. It is also beneficial to share these consequences with your child when you are telling them about the rules, so the consequence does not come as a surprise. Phone time can also be structured as a reward, such as, “After your homework you can use your phone,” or for the weekends, “After you clean your bedroom and mow the lawn, you can use your phone,” thus phone time becomes a reward. One of the best ways to increase compliance is modeling what is expected. This means, you also do not have your phone out at the dinner table!

These rules may have to be revisited and revised from time to time because this is a learning curve for both you and your child. Also, as your child gets older, changing habits, interests, and needs have to be considered as they relate to the cell phone rules.

Q: My 10-year-old is suddenly worrying about different things and just seems overall anxious. I tell her everything will be okay, but that helps relax her for only a bit. Is there anything else I can do to help her?

A: It can be hard as a parent to watch your child go down the rabbit hole of worry. Sometimes you may find yourself thinking, “What could my child possibly have to worry about at this age?” As a parent, you are not alone in dealing with this and the good news is, there are different things you can do to help! But before diving into discussing different techniques you can try out to help your little one cope, it is helpful to step back and view the world through their lens. Sure their worry about who to sit with at lunch, passing an upcoming math test, or walking down the hall in the dark may seem minor to adulthood worries, but to them it may feel just as big. Going down the path of comparing your worries to their worries can be invalidating and create a roadblock from you being able to actually help them cope effectively.

The goal is to help them identify their anxiety and cope with it in a healthy way. In order to do that, you have to hear them out. When you notice your child is becoming anxious, explore it with them instead of simply saying, “Don’t worry. It’ll be okay.” While that approach can provide temporary relief, it also comes with the risk of closing communication lines and no skill to cope in the future. Instead encourage your child to tell you about how it feels to them. This gives you the opportunity to reflect their experience and supply names for what they are doing or feeling. For example, “It sounds like you are worried about tomorrow’s reading test.” Then focus on assisting them in developing a game plan to address how they can cope if things do not go their way. Continuing with the example of the reading test, you can explore what your child can do if they do not do so well on that test. Allow them to come up with their own ideas and of course help as necessary to brainstorm effective ideas, such as asking the teacher for help in the future. A plan helps your child view the situation not just as a problem, but rather a problem that also has a solution. It also sends the message that you are confident in their ability to cope with the challenge.

Another skill to consider is giving anxiety a name, such as the worry monster. This approach helps your child separate the anxiety from themselves and puts them in a better position to then talk back to it. One great way to talk back is by creating coping cards. Examples include: “I can do this” or “Take a hike worry monster!” If your child does not want to carry a card, consider designating an object to represent what the card would say. For example, clipping a purple paperclip to your child’s backpack or notebook that can serve as a cue for their response.

Visualization is another helpful tool to cope with anxiety. For instance, encourage your child to imagine or even draw out what the worry monster looks like. Once that is done, have them imagine the worry monster on a boat floating far, far away until the worry monster is no longer visible. Alternatively, you can talk to your child about real life experiences that were fun or relaxing. Have them think about it and use their imagination to recall as many details as possible using all their senses. The idea is that by visualizing something pleasant, their mind is not focused on the anxiety producing thought or situation and also the visualization elicits a positive sensation.

It is helpful to remember that often childhood anxiety passes with time, especially after children learn ways to cope with the worry monster. However, if you still feel as though your child could benefit from further support, consider scheduling an appointment with a specialist.

Q: I think my son is being bullied, but I am not sure and he won’t tell me. His teachers think he is fine. What can I do?

A: When it comes to the well-being your child, any type of uncertainty can be scary. When your child is not forthcoming about whether he or she is being bullied and school personnel has not reached out to you with any concerns, but you are suspecting something is going on, recognizing warning signs can be an important first step. After you are able to identify and recognize signs, you are in a better position to talk about them with your child. It is important to keep in mind the warning signs shared below can be related to other issues as well; however, having open communication with your child can help differentiate the root of the concerns.

Before jumping into warning signs, let’s take a moment to understand bullying. According to stopbullying.gov, bullying is defined as unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. Often, it is repeated behavior over time. Bullying can come in three forms: verbal, social, and physical. Here are examples of each form:

Verbal:

• Teasing
• Name-calling
• Inappropriate sexual comments
• Taunting
• Threatening to cause harm

Social:

• Leaving someone out on purpose
• Telling other children not be friends with someone
• Spreading rumors about someone
• Embarrassing someone in public

Physical:

• Hitting
• Kicking
• Pinching
• Spitting
• Tripping/pushing
• Taking or breaking someone’s things
• Making mean or rude hand gestures

Take time to educate yourself on the warning signs or potential red flags related to bullying, so that you can identify them as they come up. The stopbullying.gov website outlines the following signs linked to possible bullying:

• Unexplainable injuries
• Lost or destroyed clothing, books, electronics, jewelry, etc.
• Frequent headaches or stomach aches
• Feeling sick or faking illness
• Changes in eating habits (i.e., suddenly skipping meals, binge eating, or coming home hungry because they did not eat lunch at school)
• Sleep difficulties
• Declining grades
• Loss of interest in schoolwork
• Not wanting to go to school
• Sudden loss of friends
• Avoidance of social situations
• Feelings of helplessness
• Decreased self-esteem
• Self-destructive behaviors (e.g., running away from home, self-harm, or talking about suicide)

As discussed above, these red flags may be indicative of other issues and not just bullying. Regardless of the cause, if any of these signs are present, parents should explore them further and not ignore them!

Kids sometimes respond better to shared stories than to direct probing. Try sharing a story from your own childhood of when you or someone you cared about was bullied or not treated well by other kids, then check in to see if your child has experienced or seen anything like that. Using softer words and moving up to more serious words can also help draw kids out, such as using the phrase “not treated well by others” initially versus “bullying” when asking him what he has experienced. If he shares nothing and you still strongly suspect there are issues with bullying, consider taking your child to a therapist. Sometimes it is easier after a few sessions for a child to share information with a neutral third party than with parents. Also, let the school personnel know so they can keep an eye open for any issues; tell people such as teachers, principal, school counselor, school nurse, recess or lunch room supervisors, and coaches. Lastly, even if your child denies it is happening, engage in an educational discussion about how to deal with being bullied, why it is important to engage the help of adults, etc.

Q: My husband and I are planning to separate. How do I tell my child about this upcoming change?

A: That is a great question—often it feels as though there is never the right time or perfect way to have this conversation. Experts say that it is not the divorce itself that has the greatest impact on the child, but rather the actions parents take during it. Discussing the upcoming separation is the first step.

First and foremost, it is important to keep in mind there are different strategies for how to approach this topic depending on your child’s age. With younger children, use language they will understand. For instance, the terms “separation” or “divorce” may not mean much to them, so try explaining it in the context of “mommy and daddy will not be living together” and “being married is not working.” While there may be numerous uncertainties, be sure to explain that some things will change and it is okay if you do not have all the answers about how exactly things are going to change. During this conversation, we encourage you to highlight that no matter what, you will never stop loving them.

Now for adult children—regardless of their age, you are the parents and want to care for them through this process. If your child now resides out of the home, inform them you want to speak with them, but be sure to reassure them there is no illness or death. It can by scary to receive a call from mom or dad simply stating, “we need to talk.” While face to face conversations are encouraged, they may not be feasible, so try alternative options such as FaceTime or Skype. For adult children, things such as, where they should expect to come home for holidays, what is going to happen to the family house, and who is going to pay college tuition are additional topics that may need to be addressed. You can expect anger and even shock, which may require you to repeat information several times before it begins to resonate with them. Try your best to normalize their reactions and avoid invalidating their thoughts and feelings. Another thing to avoid is telling them you delayed the separation because of them. With adult children, it can also be helpful to share you believe in family and your separation or divorce does not mean they will not be able to have strong and happy relationships. Additionally, if you have more than one adult child, try to share the news at the same time. This may require considering multiple schedules and some planning.

As mentioned above, there is no perfect way to go about this conversation. Make sure you have ample time carved out to have this discussion, so that you do not find yourself rushing your child. Also, consider practicing ahead of time while anticipating reactions. After all you know your child better than anyone. Regardless of age, steer clear of bashing your partner, falling down the rabbit hole of the blame game, and discussing specifics of the separation. Instead, encourage open communication and offer support. After all, it is a process for everyone. If you feel like your child is struggling with the news and upcoming transitions, consider meeting with a specialist to help navigate this life experience.

Potential Consequences

Q: Despite reading various information online about managing my child’s behavior with consequences, I’m not sure I really know how to most effectively utilize consequences to get my child to behave. Can you give me some examples of how to best use consequences to get my child to behave? Thanks!

Often times parents find themselves deciding in how to respond to their child’s behavior. What happens immediately after a child engages in a specific behavior is a consequence. This could be either positive or negative. A positive consequence demonstrates to your child they have done something you approve of, whereas a negative consequence or discipline shows your child they have done something unacceptable or inappropriate.

Let’s take a look at positive consequences or rewards. Rewards can be beneficial in encouraging your child and it increases the likelihood of them engaging in positive behaviors. Rewards can come in many forms, including praise, attention, activities, or material rewards (e.g., a toy). Praise and what I call relationship-based rewards are some of my favorites because they build self-esteem and connection. Examples of relationship-based rewards could be getting two stories at bedtime while snuggling with mom and dad instead of just one book, getting to choose the game played for a family game night, or 1-1 time with dad at the park or playing video games versus having to ‘share’ dad with your siblings.

When deciding on this approach, be sure to set goals that are realistic because if your child does not feel he or she can achieve the goal, they likely will not try. Also, when choosing a reward, determine if it is desired by your child. For instance, if your child does not care about a new sticker book, then it would not be a good reward to choose. So take a moment and consider your child’s likes and dislikes. For this to be successful, parents should give rewards regularly and consistently. This can be achieved by aiming to provide rewards periodically while your child is working towards a bigger reward for when they achieve a long-term accomplishment. For example, rewarding good grades on exams and projects while working towards the long-term goal of good grades on the final report card. Additionally, once a reward is promised, be sure to always follow through! This increases the likelihood of a follow through on your child’s part when a new goal and reward is established in the future. When setting up this approach, be clear with your child about the requirements to receive a reward by being as specific as possible. For example, a clean room means picking up clothes off the floor, putting toys in the toy chest, and making the bed. Similarly, be clear about the reward. If the reward is picking the restaurant for the family’s Friday night dinner out, you might specify the price range, any off limits because the commute is too far, or any other limitations that may exist. To track progress towards a reward, get creative and create a method that works for you and your child. As a general rule of thumb, for toddlers and preschoolers, it is best to reward them immediately, as their memory is not as good as it is for older children and the positive consequence must immediately follow the positive behavior for them to connect the two.

Now let’s talk about negative consequences. When using negative consequences or discipline to target misbehavior, aim to clearly identify the inappropriate or misbehavior. To achieve this, first ask yourself what it is you want your child to stop doing. Once you are able to answer that, make clear to your child what is okay and what is not to reduce confusion on their part. For instance, if your child is doing something you want them to stop doing, respond by providing a warning that the behavior needs to change or a consequence will follow. Be specific about the behavior and exactly what is to follow in the instance the child continues to misbehave (e.g., “If you throw the block again, I will take all the blocks away.”) It is often best to tie the negative consequences to the negative action, such as throwing blocks leads to blocks being taken away. However, it is also important to know your child’s ‘currency’ as to what is important to them. For example, for several months my daughter was in love with her pink sparkle shoes, and any warning that I would take them away for the rest of the day was followed with her complying with whatever I had requested she do or stop doing. Once the warning has been issued and the behavior persists, the next step is follow through of the consequence. It is worth noting, if your child does what you have asked, a positive consequence should follow. This can be in the form of praise, high fives, or a hug. If you find yourself having to go the route of a negative consequence, it is helpful to explain why the negative consequence is taking place (e.g., “Because you threw the block, I am taking the blocks for the evening.”) At this point, children may beg, plead, negotiate, or tantrum in an attempt to sway you into not following through with the consequence. That is normal and should not impact your decision to follow through; in fact, if you cave, your child will learn your warnings can be ignored as a negative consequence will not follow. Once the consequence has taken place, go back to communicating positively with your child. Be on the lookout for positive behaviors and acknowledge them with a positive consequence! That side if the equation is more fun for children and parents alike.